estranged father wants to keep in contact, but I'm scared

[makeithappen]

Hello everyone!

 

I have some good news and a bad one. Firstly, I have been estranged from my family for a little over a year. A few days ago, my father contacts me to tell me he wants to re-establish good relations and keep in touch. No emotional blackmail, guilt-tripping, or even rude language. He was calm, composed and respectful. I was pleasantly surprised. I kept his cool even though I got emotional at one point as he mentioned things that happened and which triggered me. Anyways, he said he wants to visit me, which I refused. I said I would rather first meet him in a coffee shop because I only open my house to those I have opened my heart to, but that I was still not over what happened. He got upset, as he was not my abuser (but I resented him for not standing up for me when everyone was ganging up on me and had no one!).

Anyways, I am touched that he wants to be back in my life (because he said I am his daughter, his blood). But he does not know that I made a big change in my spiritual life, and I am worried that when he finds out I no longer practice as I used to, he will reject me. Religion, customs and traditions are important for him. I am so scared of showing him who I am. I do not want to hide it, but it means risking losing him.

I am so lost and confused. I do not know when to have this discussion with him. Please advise. Thanks

[preraph]

You don't have to bring up religion at all. If he tries to get you to go church or wherever he goes, tell him no. Tell him you are finding your own way spiritually. Admit to yourself that you do not know , nor does anyone, what is true and what isn't when it comes to religion and don't be tempted to foist your views on him because, number one, then you will have become him, and number two, it will only end in a fight. Keep it to yourself. I departed from my mother's religion also and just tried to keep it on the low down so as not to offend her. It is her way. She knew I wasn't religious in her way but I never shoved it down her throat.

 

Be open. Maybe he'll apologize. Stay calm. Don't bring up old issues. You might have to remind him that getting some distance from one's parents is a natural part of growing up and that he should be more worried about you if you were still clinging to his pants leg. Sometimes parents forget that.

[makeithappen]

You don't have to bring up religion at all. If he tries to get you to go church or wherever he goes, tell him no. Tell him you are finding your own way spiritually. Admit to yourself that you do not know , nor does anyone, what is true and what isn't when it comes to religion and don't be tempted to foist your views on him because, number one, then you will have become him, and number two, it will only end in a fight. Keep it to yourself. I departed from my mother's religion also and just tried to keep it on the low down so as not to offend her. It is her way. She knew I wasn't religious in her way but I never shoved it down her throat.

 

Be open. Maybe he'll apologize. Stay calm. Don't bring up old issues. You might have to remind him that getting some distance from one's parents is a natural part of growing up and that he should be more worried about you if you were still clinging to his pants leg. Sometimes parents forget that.

 

 

 

Thanks for your reply!

 

He did not apologise, but he criticised my mum, and admitted that she acted incorrectly. Although he was respectful, I felt that he wanted to justify his behaviour, more than acknowledge that he too played a part in my suffering. He did not say anything bad about his behaviour when I was at home. I need to see that he is prepared to admit that he has acted in a problematic way too. I'm sorry but it's too easy to just call me and tell me 'I want to re-establish contact with you, and yes you're right, your other parent acted in a [insert negative word] way'.

What to make of this?

Moreover, even if I do not bring up religion, he will see that I changed: I no longer wear the Islamic veil. I had been wearing it for half my life, and he will see that I departed from the traditional interpretation that we uphold in my family.

[newmoon]

can you begin to re-establish contact another way, like perhaps direct him to your FB page, or an Instagram account, etc? that way he will see you (and your new look) before you guys meet up again in person? he can get to know you a bit through virtual means before establishing an in-person relationship. you might be able to better determine that way if he would accept your new spiritual choices and life and etc.

[preraph]

Thanks for your reply!

 

He did not apologise, but he criticised my mum, and admitted that she acted incorrectly. Although he was respectful, I felt that he wanted to justify his behaviour, more than acknowledge that he too played a part in my suffering. He did not say anything bad about his behaviour when I was at home. I need to see that he is prepared to admit that he has acted in a problematic way too. I'm sorry but it's too easy to just call me and tell me 'I want to re-establish contact with you, and yes you're right, your other parent acted in a [insert negative word] way'.

What to make of this?

Moreover, even if I do not bring up religion, he will see that I changed: I no longer wear the Islamic veil. I had been wearing it for half my life, and he will see that I departed from the traditional interpretation that we uphold in my family.

 

Well, it sounds like he is just trying to get you on his side. You very well may have to cut ties in order to move forward if he is going to condemn you for not adhering to his religion. He may think his wife should just do whatever and think whatever he does and may never agree he could be wrong. I'm sorry. Do not let him bully you. I don't know where you live, but if you happen to be in the U.S. there are helpful resources if it becomes a danger. Good luck to you.

[makeithappen]

can you begin to re-establish contact another way, like perhaps direct him to your FB page, or an Instagram account, etc? that way he will see you (and your new look) before you guys meet up again in person? he can get to know you a bit through virtual means before establishing an in-person relationship. you might be able to better determine that way if he would accept your new spiritual choices and life and etc.

 

I am thinking of just talking to him over the phone, and meeting him in person when I feel ready.

[makeithappen]

Well, it sounds like he is just trying to get you on his side. You very well may have to cut ties in order to move forward if he is going to condemn you for not adhering to his religion. He may think his wife should just do whatever and think whatever he does and may never agree he could be wrong. I'm sorry. Do not let him bully you. I don't know where you live, but if you happen to be in the U.S. there are helpful resources if it becomes a danger. Good luck to you.

 

I am not sure what to think of him. My reason was leaving home was that I was bullied and suffered abuse. My mum's narrative is that I left to become more corrupt (i.e. do stuff not allowed in our traditional reading of our religion). Seeing me with my scarf off will discredit my original claim and prove that my mum was right, hence probably resulting in me losing him.

 

I don't know... Should I insist on an apology? I am so angry that he never once took the time to reflect on his behaviour, but spent it agreeing with my criticism of my mum, whilst not wanting to get into the issue of the abuse of my siblings. I think he may have had an argument with my mum and hence, wants to have me on his side and support him and welcome him to my place.

He did say he wanted to visit me, but I refused because I am still upset.

He kept defending his passive behaviour and why he did not get involved although he witnessed the bullying I was receiving at home! Not once did he apologise. It was all 'but I could not bc I thought it was btw you and your mum, [...] but your mum told me not to get involved, [...] but it was not my fault....'

 

There's something not right with why he wants to talk to me now that my mum is away and has to leave the house to speak to me on the phone! They basically have no clue he's in contact with me I guess...

[Methodical]

You are already estranged, have no contact with him, so what do you have to lose by being honest about who you are? You can't lose what you don't really have. Be yourself from the start. I mean, you don't have to volunteer anything you are uncomfortable with, but don't hide your true self or feelings either.

[Tayla]

Your father made a genuine attempt. A year is a long time for a parent to suffer when their child cuts them out of their life.

 

Adults re group and work at resolutions.

 

If you arent ready ... then so be it. Be adult enough though to own your decisions and realize that people do change! You , yourself even have changed. That is a wonderful thing!!

 

Small steps forward, not backwards.

 

My counselor said we need to reparent ourselves during certain times in life. Whatever needs werent met in childhood can be met thru adult times. Give yourself that pat on the back or moment of compassion. We raise ourselves eventually.

[Radu]

I would avoid them completely OP.

 

I looked back into your threads and the thing that your mom did ... she is obviusly very abusive and so is your father [someone who just sits back and watch is also abusing, albeit in a passive way]; i could not believe your mom did an oil check.

 

Considering what your religion is, the country and the fact that you wore the veil for so long [means they are very traditionalists] ... it's probably best to move away from them.

You've got a massive hornet's nest of a family.

[SammySammy]

This is such a tough situation to deal with. It's hard to know what is exactly the right thing to do.

 

If I did decide to reconnect, my ground rules for myself would be:

 

1) I must be honest with myself and my father about how I feel.

 

2) I will not tolerate ANY abuse or disrespect from anyone.

 

Your father has reached out to you. I would probably reach out to him in return. However, I would be frank with him about everything. How you feel about him not standing up for you. The change in your religious beliefs. Everything.

 

If your father can deal with it in a respectful and constructive manner, then continue to rebuild the relationship with him.

 

If he reacts in a negative or destructive manner, then let him know that he has overstepped your boundaries and cut ties with him.

 

You don't have to accept abusive behavior from anyone - even your parents. Set the appropriate boundaries. As long as your father (or anyone else) treats you appropriately, then allow them into your life. If not, then you must carry out the appropriate consequences. Even if that means removing them from your life again.

[makeithappen]

I would avoid them completely OP.

 

I looked back into your threads and the thing that your mom did ... she is obviusly very abusive and so is your father [someone who just sits back and watch is also abusing, albeit in a passive way]; i could not believe your mom did an oil check.

 

Considering what your religion is, the country and the fact that you wore the veil for so long [means they are very traditionalists] ... it's probably best to move away from them.

You've got a massive hornet's nest of a family.

 

She did not do an oil check, but a tried to do a virginity test (thank God I managed to struggle enough with her and threaten to jump out of my bedroom's window to prevent her from doing anything!]

 

I live in Europe, and so do they. I just don't feel like being in regular contact with my dad, in the event that he ultimately apologises [i just wrote to him saying that he played a role too and should apologise, and wrote down some examples of situations that upset me].

 

I don't know why... it's just that I got so much peace without them for a year that I would gladly cut them off. But then, he did make a move to rekindle links with me and has been respectful...

[makeithappen]

This is such a tough situation to deal with. It's hard to know what is exactly the right thing to do.

 

If I did decide to reconnect, my ground rules for myself would be:

 

1) I must be honest with myself and my father about how I feel.

 

2) I will not tolerate ANY abuse or disrespect from anyone.

 

Your father has reached out to you. I would probably reach out to him in return. However, I would be frank with him about everything. How you feel about him not standing up for you. The change in your religious beliefs. Everything.

 

If your father can deal with it in a respectful and constructive manner, then continue to rebuild the relationship with him.

 

If he reacts in a negative or destructive manner, then let him know that he has overstepped your boundaries and cut ties with him.

 

You don't have to accept abusive behavior from anyone - even your parents. Set the appropriate boundaries. As long as your father (or anyone else) treats you appropriately, then allow them into your life. If not, then you must carry out the appropriate consequences. Even if that means removing them from your life again.

 

Let me see if he owns up to what he did. Then, I can open up about myself. Otherwise, I will severe ties with him.

[makeithappen]

Father confirmed that I will not get any apology because:

a) he has nothing to apologise for

b) even if he did something wrong, he's my father and in my community parents have rights over their kids (also, we tend to overlook elders' mistakes on the basis of their age).

 

However, I feel like I provoked this reaction because I sent a rude message that said:

 

 

"Thank you for your recent call. I would really like an apology from you because you also made mistakes (insert examples). I am sad you did not use the phone call as an opportunity to apologise because you did lots of things that upset me. We can talk on this further on...."

 

 

 

He called me back following this message and got really angry because according to him, he made the step to contact me, speak to me politely etc, and I am having such a negative response, just to push him away.... I explained that I felt abused etc and thus want an apology, but he said our interpretations of the events differ and it's all a matter of difference of opinion.... He added that even a third party would take his side and see me as the guilty party. He said I will not get an apology.

[I don't know]

Let me share something with you. My father pulled something similar, wanting back into my life after many years. Him requesting to meet up caused unnecessary drama so I know he didn't change.

 

 

Anyway I man up, accept his request to meet and I suggested a diner. At the meeting I let him know all the bad feelings I had for him and why. He didn't argue, apologized and just said he wanted to be back in my family's lives and see my children.

 

 

He came to my home one afternoon, spent a few hours with me and the kids and left. After the meeting he called once or twice and slithered back to whatever he was doing before. Haven't seen him since and maybe talked to him 3-4x in the last year.

 

 

Wanting to be back into our lives was bulls**t. I'm not even sure what motivated his contacting me. It doesn't really bother me because I mourned the end of our relationship years ago.

[beatcuff]

why does it have to be all or nothing?

 

you are reconnecting a/k/a OPENING the lines of communication, NOT "you owe me" (either side). this is NOT the time for demands.

 

he reached out, you should respond in kind. meet for coffee, at a busy location, with a strict time limit: a break at work. keep it under 15 minutes. consider having a co-worker/unknown (to dad) friend and them walk in and 'interrupt' at the 15 minute mark.

 

keep the conversation light, yes the weather is in play. i assume dad wants to make certain you are doing fine: home, job, etc. be upfront 'family drama' is off-limits (when you accept not at the meeting). if he brings it up, just say "off-limits". if he continues "i need to get back to work", then leave.

 

all the 'crap' will come out at some point, why do it at meeting one. once dad becomes convinced you are capable and willing to move forward without them, he may change his tune. he may never apologize, but may offer insight into the why he did what he did: and that maybe enough --- to keep the lines open.