It's over - now what!? (Break-up with MM)

[Little Pleiades]

Hi all,

 

I've been lurking around LS for a few weeks since my now ex-MM went back to his wife, and I thought I'd write a post as I'm truly heartbroken and struggling to cope.

 

It's a very complicated situation (isn't it always!?), and so I will try to be as concise as possible.

 

I had an affair with one of my married lecturers. He claimed that his marriage was over - and even told his colleagues as such - and so though the situation wasn't ideal, he seemed resolute about wanting to be with me and leaving his wife. He showered me with affection, and though it only lasted for a few months, he told me several times a day that he loved me and that I was his "soul mate". He built me up, and I gave myself to him in every sense - I was (and still am) madly in love with him.

 

He decided to leave his wife at the beginning of last month, and he even told his colleagues (with tears in his eyes) and the head of school about our relationship. He told his wife that he was leaving her for me, and of course, I received the expected slew of abuse; however, she seemed to put the blame entirely on me, and reduced me to a "femme fatale" character. It became her mission to undermine our relationship, and she didn't take me seriously at all as I am younger, and in her mind, more attractive. I didn't respond to her abuse, as I felt that I would have reacted the same, but what I didn't like is that my MM didn't seem to be strong enough to stand up for me or our relationship.

 

She gave him 48 hours to decide what he wanted to do, and with hindsight, I wish that I'd been more forceful about certain things, but I thought I was doing the right thing by giving him space to sort out his affairs. He did and said certain things that made me worry he would collapse under the weight of it all, but he assured me that he wouldn't leave me and that I am the woman he wants. Meanwhile, his wife was trying to convince him that he was having a midlife crisis and continued to devalue me - she was determined to take away his share of the blame as it was probably easier for her to think he was seduced by a temptress at a weak moment than to think he made a lucid decision to leave her.

 

Over the course of the 48 hours, we saw each other, were intimate, went for dinner, and he continued to tell me that he loved me and that he was so happy that we were finally going to be together properly. We had arranged to see each other after he went back to his house to discuss the finances - I'd already warned him that she would try to grind him down when she saw him, but again he assured me not to worry; however, his texts a few hours beforehand were concerning me, but I had faith that he wouldn't break my heart. Boy, was I wrong...

 

I was waiting for him to pick me up from my house to go for dinner, and he called me saying that he had to end our relationship. I was - and still am - grief stricken and heartbroken. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and I was hysterical with pain. What made it worse was that he repeatedly said that he didn't love me, and that he thinks that he always knew deep down that was the case - needless to say, hearing that ripped me apart. He spoke to me in such a contemptuous way, and this only compounded the agony. It didn't make sense, and I was in shock. He put the phone down on me, and no sooner did he do that than his FB-obsessed wife posted a picture of them together and tagged him in it - all for my benefit, I'm sure.

 

It didn't make any sense to me; only a couple of days before he was telling everyone he didn't love her and that they have nothing in common. I know that he was struggling with guilt, but I feel like he gave into her perceptions of me and was too weak to see it through. Everyone was shocked that he could do such a massive turnaround in the space of a couple of days.

 

I was obviously devastated and desperately trying to get hold of him to explain why he did this, but like a coward he scuttled away and blocked me on FB, his phone, whatsapp, etc. He then went off sick with stress at work and tried to cover his ass by claiming he hadn't been in his right mind of late and that his wife was his "true love". My other lecturers told me this, and have been incredibly supportive, but they are furious as he lied to them about our relationship and tried to make out that I was chasing him and obsessed. He lied to them about when our relationship began and told them it wasn't physical; he also lied to the head of school, and no doubt he's lied to his wife too. His job is now on the line because of the lies he's told. The other lecturers are so angry with him that they sent his wife a message telling her that he has lied and that they are appalled with his behaviour, but she has blocked both them and I, and seems to have her head buried up her ass.

 

I managed to get hold of him at one point a couple of weeks ago, but I could hardly understand what he was saying because he was vomiting and sobbing uncontrollably telling me how bad he feels for hurting me, but something didn't feel right; I think that he was only feeling bad for himself and desperately trying to get me on side so that he could save his job. He said that he must have loved me because he spent so much time with me, but that those feelings have gone - I've never heard such a crock of **** in my life. I've learned since our breakup that he has a knack for re-writing history and self-delusion/gaslighting, and so I think that he's convincing himself that he doesn't love me so that he can do "the right thing". He is currently obsessed with this notion of doing the right thing, but I (and others) think he is making a huge mistake.

 

He tried to get me to arrange a meeting at the university so that he could "apologise"/cover his ass at work (he knows I have the truth at my disposal and is scared), but this was denied, and since then he has changed his number. I have gone completely no contact with him now, as I feel used, humiliated, and incredibly depressed. I've been getting missed calls from withheld numbers, which my gut tells me is him checking I'm still alive/curious. I've deactivated my Facebook account too, as I find it triggers too many negative emotions.

 

In all honesty, I am completely devastated, and I still love him. I miss him so much, and we shared so many dreams and future plans, but all that has gone. I can't believe he could do this to me when not a day before he was telling me he loved me while we were intimate and that he wanted to marry me. I don't understand - he did the hard part, and I just wish he'd told me he was feeling weak. Now he's become her patient, and being a control freak, she has him where she wants him - it's like something from 'Misery', and he has managed to absolve himself of a lot of the responsibility by feigning a midlife crisis (after being manipulated by his wife into thinking there's something wrong with him). I feel like I've been emotionally raped, and I feel so humiliated and devalued. I keep getting flashbacks of the times we were together, and then of the breakup conversation. I feel traumatised and forgotten. My self esteem has been decimated by this, and I just want him to hear me and know how much pain he has caused. I feel like I'm not enough. I can't accept that he didn't love me. I think about ending it all every day.

 

I'm sorry this is such a long post, but there's so much to write, and I need to vent. Do you have any advice on how to heal or cope with this pain? I can't get rid of that ache in my chest. Am I doing the right thing by maintaining NC? I guess I just need some moral support/words of wisdom. Everything is such a mess, and this break up affects so many other parts of my life that it's hard to compartmentalise. I'm struggling to find the will to keep going. Help! Thank you in advance.

Edited June 14, 2015 by Little Pleiades
Adding something

[Hope Shimmers]

Oh LP. This was so hard to read.

 

"I feel like I've been emotionally raped, and I feel so humiliated and devalued."

 

I think many of us know that feeling all too well, as well as your comment about the pain in your chest that won't go away. For me it was like a feeling of panic, almost.

 

You are doing the RIGHT thing with NC, and do not and I repeat do NOT fix this for him professionally. This is on HIM. He put himself in this position professionally. He has lied to you and within the time frame of 24 hours, totally turned on you. You owe him NOTHING and his contacts to you are likely about getting you in line to fix his professional life. DON'T!!!! Just do NC and move on.

 

I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is. You are a very articulate writer, so I could literally feel your pain and relate to it.

[Doublegold]

I can only second everything that Hope posted. You pain and heartbreak leaps from the page. I am so sorry for all your hurt. Post here, it will help you. Stay strong. Don't despair and speak of ending it all. You will survive this. Remember who you are. ((HUGS))

 

As far as 'now what'--with time you will see he did you a favor, he is obviously not worthy of you.

Edited June 14, 2015 by Doublegold

[Babs22]

Ditto what both Hope and Doublegold said. Keep coming back here for support. Please do not think of ending it all for someone who wasn't worthy of you in the first place. It will get better, the pain will decrease a little each day, until one morning you will wake up and with great clarity you will realize that you dodged a bullet. He sounds like a real piece of work. Please remain NC. It sounds like you have done all the right things, by blocking his ability to reach you and deactivating your Facebook. You are strong and you will get through this.

[Southern Sun]

I am so sorry for what you're going through.

 

First, yes, absolutely maintain NC. You will feel pulled in a million directions, especially if he sends you mixed messages or reaches out at all. What happens in these situations is we usually commit to maintaining NC, xMM shows up with some words of love or some story of change, we fall back in, and then the same old thing happens. It's a merry-go-round and miserable cycle. It's not always the case. But your only hope of sanity is total NC right now. Either it lets you heal and eventually move on, or if something actually changes on xMM's end (rare) then, and only then, can you decide to have contact.

 

But just prepare for lots of emotions. It is painful. When you are that attached to someone, even if it was a shorter relationship, it can hurt to go through that withdrawal. And you have to be ready to endure it.

 

Just pay attention to who he really is, what you are seeing in his actions. You've now uncovered all the lies that he told to all the different people in his circle. Now that it got really real, he's scrambling. You don't really want someone like that. It's hard to see past all the FEELINGS he made you feel. But what you are seeing now is the real guy you would get if you moved forward.

 

I don't doubt he got swept away with you too. It doesn't mean he faked it all. It just means he's a coward and he enjoyed it while he didn't have to pay any consequences.

 

This is an aside, but I have to wonder if that phone call he made to you was done with his wife standing there...you said he was saying over and over how he never loved you, how he was ending things. Just makes me think that could have been somewhat for show.

[Susmay]

Just as you say the wife seems to unfairly hold you responsible for this mess, so you seem to be trying to convince us it's all her fault.

 

 

It's not even mainly her fault (or yours).

 

 

It's his; for being the dishonest, manipulative jerk he is, and you're both falling for the blame the other woman in his life idea.

 

 

His wife is the victim here, and what's more you've helped victimise her. She'd done nothing to you and would have left you alone had you not made your own decision to insert yourself into her marriage.

 

 

You're obviously in a heap of pain and I feel bad for you as you're probably young and naïve. At least you have the option to move on with your life and are not left trying to pick up the pieces with this horrible man.

 

 

Often this sort of guy see-saws between the 2 women and if you both allow this to happen you're both in for a heap of pain.

 

 

My advice is to move on, don't allow him back in, allow time to heal the wounds (it really does) and don't whatever you do fall into the trap of seeing it as a competition between you and his wife for this non-prize of a guy. Sadly, from the way you've written you already see it that way. In your own best interests please try to stop, and treat it a learning experience to not get involved in other people's marriages.

[Sassy Girl]

 

This is an aside, but I have to wonder if that phone call he made to you was done with his wife standing there...you said he was saying over and over how he never loved you, how he was ending things. Just makes me think that could have been somewhat for show.

 

I see this a bit from OW and I mean this constructively - so what?

 

So maybe he's lying and he did have feelings. Does it really matter? Those feelings weren't enough to stop him from intentionally and brutally ripping her heart out to 1. Save his own arse and 2. Prove his devotion to his wife.

 

OW shouldn't cling to this thought as a sign he loves her and it wasn't a lie. It doesn't matter. I don't think this helps in healing and recovery.

 

Good luck OP. His actions are clear and I hope you move on and find someone healthy and learn from this experience. You seem pretty smart, so don't let it affect your studies.

Edited June 14, 2015 by Sassy Girl

[Southern Sun]

I see this a bit from OW and I mean this constructively - so what?

 

So maybe he's lying and he did have feelings. Does it really matter? Those feelings weren't enough to stop him from intentionally and brutally ripping her heart out to 1. Save his own arse and 2. Prove his devotion to his wife.

 

OW shouldn't cling to this thought as a sign he loves her and it wasn't a lie. It doesn't matter. I don't think this helps in healing and recovery.

 

Good luck OP. His actions are clear and I hope you move on and find someone healthy and learn from this experience. You seem pretty smart, so don't let it affect your studies.

 

I totally agree, Sassy. Just pointing out what likely could have happened, even though it doesn't change the facts, nor what her marching orders should be.

[Mascara]

You poor thing. Try not to focus on his wife though, he's a grown man and isn't being held by force. Just as he told her he never loved you, so he told you he wasn't in love with her. He's a manipulator and a massive drama queen. Vomiting because he was so upset? Purlease. Focus your anger on him, that's how you get over it. Recognise him for the weak little pathetic man he is, who uses high drama to control people.

[Lois_Griffin]

What made it worse was that he repeatedly said that he didn't love me, and that he thinks that he always knew deep down that was the case - needless to say, hearing that ripped me apart. He spoke to me in such a contemptuous way, and this only compounded the agony. It didn't make sense, and I was in shock. He put the phone down on me, and no sooner did he do that than his FB-obsessed wife posted a picture of them together and tagged him in it - all for my benefit, I'm sure.

Ahh yes, the typical 'no contact" call the cowardly cheater makes when he's desperately trying to avoid being kicked out the front door.

 

Do keep in mind that he's really nothing more than an opportunist. Seems he has no problem at all telling whoever he's with at the time whatever he thinks they want to hear - and whatever will benefit HIM.

 

He's shown you who he is. Believe him.

[Little Pleiades]

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies – I really appreciate your support and advice at this very difficult time. I feel really alone at the moment, so it helps to know that I have a place to purge myself of some of the things I'm feeling and thinking.

 

I think I should clarify a few things. I'm actually 30 years old and I have already been married and divorced, so I am not as young as you might think, nor am I as naïve. My lecturer has succeeded in duping not only myself, but his wife, his colleagues, and the University with his Oscar winning performances – trust me when I say that he is one of those liars who can scarily convince himself of his own bull**** to the point where he believes it to be fact. It's almost pathological, and perhaps I should have believed him when he said he was a sociopath. Perhaps I also should have believed him when he said during our break-up call that the only person he loves is himself. It says a lot that his colleagues are so appalled by his behaviour that they felt the need to warn his wife of his propensity for lies. As a consequence of his fondness for lying, he is now being investigated by the University for misconduct. I'm torn up about this as I swing from feeling absolutely bloody furious with him to feelings of self-hatred. Ultimately, I very much resent being put in a position whereby I am pitted against him because I stupidly still love the bastard, but he has done this to himself, and I have given him several opportunities to make things right, but he has cut everyone (not just me) off, and is only surrounding himself with people such as his wife who will lap up the nonsense he spews.

 

Others tried to encourage me to send his wife all the evidence I have of his lies, but I am not a hateful person, and I do think about not wanting to hurt her feelings, though I also feel that I have to correct his version of events and set the record straight. I don't think she's receptive to anyone else's words other than his at the moment, because it makes easier for her to try to forgive him.

 

I feel that I should also state that I do not blame his wife, but I do think she is spiting herself by enabling him at present, yet nobody thinks she will be able to keep it up once the reality of what he has done crystallises. I think that she is happy to keep him as long as he is not with me, but that hollow sense of victory won't last, and he is a shell of a man at present who makes no sense with his fallacious stories, so I find it hard to believe she doesn't suspect anything. Plus, what my lecturers said to her about the lies he has told must have added to her suspicion, even though she wants to save face by blocking the truth out. I think she wants to make him feel that he needs her, and so keep him there, but again the truth will out. I guess that is what I need to get across to you – a large part of my frustration at the moment is at the lies he has told, and I feel like I need to get the truth out there, which I know will happen during the investigation, but I think they are both in denial and I just want to shake them out of it!

 

Again, I don't blame his wife - I blame him. I blame him for allowing her to place the blame entirely on me and to demonise me, instead of growing a pair and taking responsibility. His wife is a mental health professional, and she found out I had problems with depression, and she then used it against me to call me a “mental bitch” and sent me messages saying that I was going to ruin her husband's life, purely on the basis of my “mental health issues”. What upsets me is that I now see that she devalued me in his eyes in various ways, even though she didn't know me, and he gave into those perceptions. That makes me feel utterly worthless, humiliated, and shamed. What made that worse is I discovered that over the past few months he used my mental health issues as a ruse to explain to the other lecturers why he was spending so much time with me, after they questioned our relationship. He told them that I was obsessed with him, but that he was trying to “help” me by spending time with me, meanwhile he was telling me he loved me and that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. I can't tell you how painful it was to learn of the way he portrayed me – it only compounded the pain I was already feeling after losing him, and made me feel so embarrassed. He completely abused the trust of both his colleagues and I, again, hence their anger. He told everyone – after our relationship had been disclosed – that he was in a completely loveless marriage and that he and his wife had nothing in common, so again, his actions have not just involved me, but several other people.

 

I simply do not understand how you can go from taking the steps of leaving, telling your family, telling your colleagues, and finding a house, to doing a complete 180 in the space of 48 hours. He has dug himself a massive hole, and I imagine he probably feels he is trapped. I don't understand where those feelings of love have gone, and how he can claim they have just vanished. I don't think he knows his own mind at the moment, but I can't feel too sorry for him after the agony he has put everyone through.

 

Hope, you are right when you said that he is only concerned with saving his job right now, and that I should be wary of any contact from him; I am certain that he only wanted to meet to “apologise” at the University as a grand gesture in order to pacify them. And yes, the ache in your chest is a horrible sensation – I have had several anxiety attacks over recent weeks, and so I understand what you mean.

 

With regards to him having ended things with me in his wife's presence, I don't think that was the case, as I believe he was in his car outside his house. I heard the car door shut as he was trying to hang up on me. I have to say that the way he ended things was callous and cruel beyond any break-up I have ever been though; it was horrible, and though he apologised for being so horrible to me, I still have flashbacks of that conversation and hearing him say that he doesn't love me. You're right though, regardless of whether or not his wife was there, he still ultimately chose to go back, and so whatever feelings he does have for me is immaterial at this stage – something that hurts like hell to admit.

 

I'm most definitely feeling a plethora of emotions, but today I don't feel very strong at all, and I keep taking everything out on myself. My studies are being affected because everything is being investigated at present. I do feel like I've been violated. I'm full of self-hatred right now, and I can't reconcile what has happened with myself. I feel angry and upset with him, but he has emotionally gutted me, and I feel disgusting. I think that because he used my depression in such a cynical way, I feel like it's my fault or that I'm defective. I'm really struggling. I feel like I don' want to be seen by anyone ever again.

 

Yes Lois, I think he is a bit of an opportunist and does have a tendency to say whatever he thinks people want to hear. Sigh.

 

Thank you again for your support, and sorry if this is long-winded. I have so much bubbling away inside me right now, so it does help to be able to share these things with you.

Edited June 14, 2015 by Little Pleiades

[jen1447]

Wow, what a guy. If the lead-in to the end here was that he was going home to "discuss finances," and then suddenly after that he didn't love you anymore ("and never did!" ), it seems clear that she castrated him somehow with a grave threat or implication about the finances. That has a way of wiping the lovey-dovies out of people's heads.

 

Anyway this isn't a 'choose-what-to-do' moment like it normally is hon. imo you have only one course and that's complete and utter no-contact. Reason being he's got other irons in the fire here most likely (financial, professional) that you could have a direct impact on so he may seek and need your involvement to absolve him of blame. That simply won't end well for you at all, bc he'll no doubt use whatever manipulative tactics are necessary (reconciliation, the return of his "true love," etc.) to get you to do what he needs you to do.

 

His problems are his problems now, so tough sh*t for him. Let him wallow in the cesspool he created and stay out of it. He doesn't deserve any more from you anyway because red flags -

 

- He was quick to marginalize your needs when things went to sh*t for him.

- He felt bad *for himself* when he hurt you.

 

My bet is that six months from now you'll look back and just be glad you got out of that insane asylum.

[miseenscene]

That makes me feel utterly worthless, humiliated, and shamed. What made that worse is I discovered that over the past few months he used my mental health issues as a ruse to explain to the other lecturers why he was spending so much time with me, after they questioned our relationship. He told them that I was obsessed with him, but that he was trying to “help” me by spending time with me, meanwhile he was telling me he loved me and that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. I can't tell you how painful it was to learn of the way he portrayed me – it only compounded the pain I was already feeling after losing him, and made me feel so embarrassed.

 

This is a horrible thing he did -- and in many cases for people with mental health issues, because of the stigma that still exists around them in some circles, it is a vulnerable topic (I have struggled with depression myself for years and have tried several different regiments of anti-depressants before finding a combination that works for me). But the actual truth of the matter is, you are enacting the shame and humiliation that is his, not yours. He is the one who shamed and humiliated himself by lying, manipulating, and degrading himself in that fashion -- he should be ashamed of the fact that he is now exposed as a liar, someone without integrity. Deep down he probably is ashamed, but can't deal with it -- so he outsources that shame and humiliation to you by manipulating the narrative to your lecturers, his wife, maybe himself. But you have a choice as to whether accept it or not. What is so shameful or humiliating about having depression and seeking help for it? That is actually a healthy and brave thing to do, to try to manage it and heal yourself rather than hurting yourself and others in your orbit. Or about trusting someone who convinces you that they love you and you should trust them? He is the one who shamed and humiliated himself -- don't take that on for him.

[whichwayisup]

You poor thing. Try not to focus on his wife though, he's a grown man and isn't being held by force. Just as he told her he never loved you, so he told you he wasn't in love with her. He's a manipulator and a massive drama queen. Vomiting because he was so upset? Purlease. Focus your anger on him, that's how you get over it. Recognise him for the weak little pathetic man he is, who uses high drama to control people.

 

Nobody forced him to have an affair, he chose to have one with you. And, nobody has forced him to go back home and stay married, he chose that. I do think you trying to make his wife out to be the devil here isn't right, yes have some anger but remember, this is her husband, the man who married her in front of family and friends and built a life with her. She isn't just going to hand over her husband to you - She fought to save her marriage. If he wanted to truly leave her, and divorce her to be with you, he would have.

 

Your (ex) MM is a weasel and is selfish. He's dug his own grave (problems at work, lying and playing games/creating drama), this is all on him so don't try to help him save his job. He's a grown man and now he needs to face his own consequences.

 

Take care of you now, rely on good friends and family to help you through this and once the shock has warn off, do some soul searching and maybe you'll ask yourself what it is you truly love about him? Already you know he's a liar and what he's capable of, he's shown you who he is.

[whichwayisup]

My lecturer has succeeded in duping not only myself, but his wife, his colleagues, and the University with his Oscar winning performances – trust me when I say that he is one of those liars who can scarily convince himself of his own bull**** to the point where he believes it to be fact. It's almost pathological, and perhaps I should have believed him when he said he was a sociopath. Perhaps I also should have believed him when he said during our break-up call that the only person he loves is himself

 

When someone actually tells you who they are, believe them! There are so many red flags here, unfortunately your feelings of love and getting caught up in having an affair with him clouded your better judgement. I'm sure if you were an outsider looking in or a friend of yours was in this situation you'd see those red flags immediately and try to help her get away and end the A.

 

Be glad this A is over, this man is NOT worthy of you. You can do better.

[sandylee1]

This man really is something isn't he.

 

You've dodged a bullet. He's absolutely crazy.

 

I know you don't wish to hurt his wife, but I'd be pissed off if someone tried to make out that I was a crazy bi**h. I'd be very tempted to send her evidence with the truth then block the lot of them.

 

He is a deceptive , selfish fool and again, be glad he's out of your life .

 

Seek counseling to help you cope with the fallout.

[Southern Sun]

LP - I know your desire to set the record straight and clear your name is strong right now. But think things through very carefully. In this situation, anything you put out there "can and will be used against you." You know they are already painting you as someone with "issues." If you start trying to defend yourself, especially with any emotion (and it's hard to not get emotionally involved once the torpedoes start flying), then they will happily use that as further evidence that you are the one with the problem.

 

My suggestion is to hold your head high and be the only one right now NOT looking like an idiot. Give them nothing. You know you will never regret that. You really need some time before doing anything. Logical and rational isn't at the forefront right now...which means, do nothing. Believe me, your silence will speak volumes. It is the MOST dignified thing you can do.

 

And certainly do what Hope said and bow out of ANY discussions at the workplace. That is his problem now.

 

Really...I know it hurts and what you are missing is what you THOUGHT he was. But you are now seeing the real deal. You are the lucky one here.

[lemondrop21]

Wow, this was the most painful thing I've read on here so far. I feel utterly humiliated on your behalf just reading it. Others on here have mentioned taking responsibility for your own actions and while I agree that to a certain extent this is important (so that you don't make the same mistakes in the future), please also realize that you were victimized by him. Maybe it wasn't his intent to deceive you but clearly he did not know his own emotions, and decided it was best to line up everything with you before leaving his wife... And then changed his mind. If he had his sh** together, he would have left her before involving you to that extent.

 

That 48 hours that you reference made me want to throw up. Again, this is all so utterly terrible and there are no words I can say to make it feel better right now, although it will get better in time. For now, for sure see a therapist, and if you have any spiritual side it might be the time to explore that. I had a time in my life where I was in such unbearable pain and the only thing that saved me was feeling like I found God (and I'm not a religious person by nature).

 

Best of luck to you and please hang in there and post updates on how you are doing. Sending you much love!!

[anika99]

"Again, I don't blame his wife - I blame him. I blame him for allowing her to place the blame entirely on me and to demonise me, instead of growing a pair and taking responsibility. His wife is a mental health professional, and she found out I had problems with depression, and she then used it against me to call me a “mental bitch” and sent me messages saying that I was going to ruin her husband's life, purely on the basis of my “mental health issues”. What upsets me is that I now see that she devalued me in his eyes in various ways, even though she didn't know me, and he gave into those perceptions. That makes me feel utterly worthless, humiliated, and shamed. What made that worse is I discovered that over the past few months he used my mental health issues as a ruse to explain to the other lecturers why he was spending so much time with me, after they questioned our relationship. He told them that I was obsessed with him, but that he was trying to “help” me by spending time with me, meanwhile he was telling me he loved me and that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. I can't tell you how painful it was to learn of the way he portrayed me – it only compounded the pain I was already feeling after losing him, and made me feel so embarrassed. He completely abused the trust of both his colleagues and I, again, hence their anger. He told everyone – after our relationship had been disclosed – that he was in a completely loveless marriage and that he and his wife had nothing in common, so again, his actions have not just involved me, but several other people."

 

 

Well of course his wife devalued you. Even if you never said one bad word about her, and I don't know if you did or not, your ultimate goal was to take her husband and take apart her life as she knew it. You are her enemy and rightfully so. She is never going to like you or say nice things about you but why do you care?

 

 

Again this is all on the MM. He has lied to everyone. He lied to his wife about you and he lied to you about his wife. Had he left his wife for you and she came to you to tell you about his lies you wouldn't have believed her either. You would have sided with him and believed him and his wife would be the one saying that you are being an enabler and foolishly believing lies.

 

 

I'm sorry this man did such a number on you and that you are hurting. You need support and love at this time. Thankfully it seems everyone is aware of the nasty lies the MM told everyone and you will not need to spend your energy defending yourself. That's one good thing. I wish you well on your recovery.

[Susmay]

If you are going to mess around with another woman's husband and insert yourself into another woman's marriage you should be prepared for the consequences; including that your reputation gets trashed. You hardly have the "right" to complain when the wife is upset. I am amazed that you seem to feel entitled to mess up another woman's life (who is presumably unknown to you) and then complain about whatever she does to mess up your life.

Edited June 15, 2015 by Susmay

[Poppy47]

I can't say I blame the wife at all.

If he were my husband, I would have gift wrapped him and sent him by courier to your doorstep. Maybe she has a lot invested in him.

 

He has , as they say, pushed you under the nearest moving vehicle to save his ass. What a bad ass he is. Wonder how many times he has been down that path? Lecturers have a certain reputation with students....

 

You will recover although I understand what a University community can be like.

 

Walk away from it all,in public, even if you are dying inside.

 

Tomorrow, they will be talking about some other poor soul.

Cheers,

Poppy.

[Little Pleiades]

If you are going to mess around with another woman's husband and insert yourself into another woman's marriage you should be prepared for the consequences; including that your reputation gets trashed. You hardly have the "right" to complain when the wife is upset. I am amazed that you seem to feel entitled to mess up another woman's life (who is presumably unknown to you) and then complain about whatever she does to mess up your life.

 

What amazes ME is that you seem to be determined to project your own biases onto my situation without properly reading what I've written. I do NOT blame her, I blame HIM for being weak and giving into her perceptions of me when he knew better. I blame HIM for his pathological lies about his marriage to not just me, but his colleagues too; by all accounts, his wife wanted to move back to her hometown, and she told him she didn't love him, and it was just a question of him leaving for good - of course, I now know that this was all a lie, and that is just the tip of the iceburg. I blame HIM for how I've been misrepresented and for allowing me to be "thrown under a bus" while he absolves himself of any responsibility. I DO take responsibility for my part, and no, I do not think of her as the "devil", so please don't twist my words when I've been very clear about my opinion of his wife. I was merely stating what she'd done and my frustration at his getting away with lying about everything, being weak, and exploiting my "issues" to excuse his actions. I could have replied to her messages and I could have hurt her even more by exposing him, but I haven't because I didn't want to do any more damage. The truth will come out soon.

 

Please don't comment unless you're wiling to be fair - which most of you have been - and know that my anger and pain truly is directed squarely at him.

Edited June 15, 2015 by Little Pleiades

[FusionCutter]

I'm sorry you're hurting and that he did this to you.

 

Make better choices for a better future.

 

You will find the key to fixing this within yourself is completely within yourself. Some of that pain and anger should be directed at yourself.

 

Once you take ownership for what you partaked in, you can begin the healing process.

 

Healing can only be achieved via NC. NC NC NC and make it leakproof. It is the only way, proven time and time again.

[OldRover]

Little,

 

First I'm going to say a few thinks that may hurt, but only in trying to help you.

 

It takes three to have an affair. You didn't say who really started it, but not the point, you knew what you were getting into, and he may seriously thought that you were the one that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, and you felt the same. And, I'm sure you realized the risks. If he didn't really intend to make a life with you and leave his wife, he certainly wouldn't have told the world.... he told everyone, including his wife, and I be surprised if he wasn't honest at that point. Who did he lie to? (except I'm sure he lied when he said he didn't love you). One of the characteristics of being in love is that you want everyone to know.

 

He may have had problems with his marriage (more that likely, or you wouldn't be in this) and really felt it was time to leave. He probably would have been smarter to divorce her first and pursue you later, but he didn't, nor did you stop him.

 

He simply changed his mind. Whatever he went through, he apparently felt it was better to salvage his marriage. That sucks, but that happens. I'd bet he's hurting, too, and probably feels bad about hurting you.

 

Unfortunately, you got hurt badly in the whole process. But fortunately, you will heal and you do have some things on your side. First, your relationship was VERY short... you just don't fall in deep love in two month... and hardly enough time to make life long commitments, but some people do and it works. You didn't say if you had known him a long time or had a EA with him for a long time, which would add to the pain, but the affair was short. Unfortuately, the intimacy really brings people close together, that's part of what long term love is built around, so you were certainly heading that way and I'm not going to diminish your feelings.... I know you are hurting seriously.

 

You would be wise to go through most of the things to get over him..... NC which you are doing, try not to see him at all, and get a really good support person or two. Someone that really understands what it take to get over this. And you'll get support here.... some of the posts may have different thoughts, but we are trying to give you food for thought that will help you through this.

[Sassy Girl]

What amazes ME is that you seem to be determined to project your own biases onto my situation without properly reading what I've written. I do NOT blame her, I blame HIM for being weak and giving into her perceptions of me when he knew better. I blame HIM for his pathological lies about his marriage to not just me, but his colleagues too; by all accounts, his wife wanted to move back to her hometown, and she told him she didn't love him, and it was just a question of him leaving for good - of course, I now know that this was all a lie, and that is just the tip of the iceburg. I blame HIM for how I've been misrepresented and for allowing me to be "thrown under a bus" while he absolves himself of any responsibility. I DO take responsibility for my part, and no, I do not think of her as the "devil", so please don't twist my words when I've been very clear about my opinion of his wife. I was merely stating what she'd done and my frustration at his getting away with lying about everything, being weak, and exploiting my "issues" to excuse his actions. I could have replied to her messages and I could have hurt her even more by exposing him, but I haven't because I didn't want to do any more damage. The truth will come out soon.

 

Please don't comment unless you're wiling to be fair - which most of you have been - and know that my anger and pain truly is directed squarely at him.

 

when you say you take responsibility for your part, what does that mean to you?

 

There's been a lot of focus on BS and MM, but really it doesn't matter anymore.

 

Some self evaluation and introspection is what you need to work on. Try and understand what it was that made you think it was OK to have an affair with a married man and actively participate in breaking up someone else's marriage. Start there.