It's over - now what!? (Break-up with MM)

[OldRover]

Love cannot be turned off that way. It takes time. The love the OP has for her MM will die eventually so long as she doesn't overly romanticize the relationship in her mind and she resists the temptation to think that the MM is a helpless victim of his controlling "misery" like wife. So long as continues to face reality and does not turn the affair into a Romeo and Juliet tragedy in her mind, the love will fade.

 

Good post, and like the post about the OP getting some professional help to deal with depression... like a doctor, or counselor that can offer medical help. For now, I'd rate the HIGH on the list of things to do.

 

Little Pleiades:

Don't beat up on yourself, your MM, his wife or anyone else. Be concerned about YOU. You will get over this... it's just to short to have a long lasting recovery... but WILL take some time and effort, but hopefully it will be short.

 

This situation could have turned out many different ways, and I'm not going to call anyone involved on the carpet, except both you and the MM did elect to have an affair, and I'm sure you both realized the risks. You did get hurt, because he changed his mind, and that's his right to do so, as it was your right to do the same, if you felt uncomfortable with the situation......

 

Nonetheless, YOU'RE hurt and need to heal. Many of us have been there, in similar situations (myself included), and the pain is REAL... as is the possible depression, anxiety, and the feeling that the world has just come down on top of you.

 

So, again, WORRY ONLY ABOUT YOURSELF, and getting out of the dumps, holding your head high and surviving. The very first thing is get some GOOD support.... a really dear friend that you can hug and cry on their shoulder that really cares.... VERY IMPORTANT. Some of never had that and that's important. It could be a counselor, but has to be a special one, which is very hard to find. I was lucky and had both when going thru stuff like this. Second is to develop a MENTAL attitude that you WILL survive this and life will get better. You CAN mentally program yourself to fall out of love (and you can program yourself to fall IN love, if the right start is there). You will have to work on this, but I'm betting for you.... and I'm betting that you WILL survive this with head high, a better person and a happier life and cherish the opportunity to date again and seek a partner that is a better bet long term.

 

Please get some EMOTIONAL HELP, as soon as you can, that's step one.

 

Please keep us posted, we ARE concerned (as others have been concerned for us).

[Hope Shimmers]

As I can see how much pain she's in I will now "back off".

 

 

However it is totally unfair of you to tell me to back off, and then ask me a whole pile of questions which would mean a major thread jack if I were to answer them...

 

 

I will however say in response to the OP's first post that my view is that maintaining NC is the right thing to do, in my opinion.

 

 

Hope Shimmers I usually admire your posts and think you give really good advice. Perhaps this stems from your own very painful experiences or just from who you are. If you really want an answer to your questions that you asked of me, then PM me. For me to answer them on this thread would likely mean I express more negative views of the OP and I'm sure you didn't intend to entrap me in that... or did you?

 

They were rhetorical. Sorry - I should have made that clear.

[whichwayisup]

I do not have any vitriol for his wife. If you can't take my word on that, then I don't know what else I can say.

 

In terms of his lies, Old Rover, I did elucidate some of those in my previous posts. He lied to his wife about what happened and to everyone else - even when he has been in full confession mode, he has lied, and has humiliated both his wife and I in ways that I cannot seem to reconcile with myself.

 

You should all know that despite my anger towards him, that doesn't compare to the self-loathing and depths to which I'm currently tormenting and blaming myself. That some of you think that I don't take any responsibility really hurts me, because I have been on the verge of suicide over the past few weeks and riddled with both guilt and shame. I already think I'm a piece of crap and defective, so nobody could beat me up any more than I already do myself. I cannot make peace with myself for any of this.

 

Why do I still love him? I don't know. Perhaps it's just residual attachment. I guess it doesn't matter as both it and I are a waste. I'm very introspective, but the only truth I can currently find is that I'm a gaping void of a human being, who misdirects their love, and who probably doesn't deserve any peace of mind.

 

I want to write more, but I'm in a very bad place today. Thank you again for all your comments.

 

Stop it! This kind of talk serves NO PURPOSE. Be kind and loving to yourself.

 

You made a big mistake trusting him at his word. Don't let him ruin who you are and what you're about. This affair shouldn't define you.

 

Do counseling to help rid of the yucky feelings and insecurities you feel. I'm sorry you're feeling down and out, just know as time goes on you will feel better with the help of trusting and loving friends and family.

 

I could have replied to her messages and I could have hurt her even more by exposing him, but I haven't because I didn't want to do any more damage. The truth will come out soon.

 

You should tell your side of the story. She's already hurting and probably as time goes on she will see that he has lied to her more than she realizes.

[Little Pleiades]

Thanks again for all your comments and words of support.

 

Lady, I'm sorry that you also found yourself at such a low ebb as a BS; I know that others on here can empathise. I think that because he ended it in such a cruel way, and because he went NC straight away (except for the conversation we had a few weeks ago whereby he said not answering my calls was killing him), I feel like I have been abandoned and he won't hear me, and so I am taking every last thing out on myself. I can't shake off the feeling that I am inherently defective and that I am utterly repulsive. I feel like I deserve to suffer because I am obviously a worthless person whose urge to be loved and give loved has caused so much heartache. That's all I ever wanted - to love and feel loved. I am very sensitive, and I do have a big heart, but I'm afraid I don't think I can trust myself or anyone else anymore. I don't want to grow cold, and I'm so scared I'm going to die alone. I feel like he only entered in a relationship out of pity/wanting to "fix" me.

 

I am taking medication at present and am due to start counselling tomorrow, but again, I ask myself what's the point!?

 

I don't think his wife is receptive to my side of things at present, but I think there is an element of a power struggle. I think she deserves to know the truth, and there is no way their marriage will survive if he continues to lie about our relationship. I say this, and I'm very close to giving up on the whole thing and leaving him to lie in the "cesspool" he created.

 

I feel weak and torn today as one half of me never wants to see him again or for him to know anything about what happens to me from this point, but I'm struggling with the urge to contact him again. I feel like he's just brushed me under the carpet and forgotten I exist - I want him to know how much he's hurt me, and to be honest and give me answers, but I don't think he has any himself. After we split, he saw his doctor and they advised him to not contact or engage with me - I saw this as cowardly and so hurtful considering the way he left things. I can only imagine he told them I'm a nutcase who won't go away, and then he scuttled off with "stress", making himself into the victim and absolving himself of as much responsibility as possible, which I think would be very frustrating for his wife as she probably feels she can't push him or be outwardly angry. I don't doubt he was/is stressed, but I felt I'd been tossed aside in such a brutal fashion, and I couldn't make sense of any of it when I contrasted it with his actions towards me only a couple of hours earlier.

 

So, please, I need some encouragement to continue with NC - I'm really struggling with myself today.

Edited June 16, 2015 by Little Pleiades

[Poppy47]

I think he had a lovely dream with you and woke up to reality.

 

Do you think he is mentally unstable? It's difficult to understand why a man, in such a close community, would make it publicly known that he wanted to have a future with you unless he was dead certain.

 

I imagine he and his wife are going through their individual hells at the moment also.

 

His history and all his life are all built with his wife.

 

Step out of their life, go to counselling and give it a try. You don't have anything to lose. You have your whole life ahead of you. This is just one chapter in your book and you need to write many more.

 

Thinking of you,

Poppy.

[Little Pleiades]

I think he had a lovely dream with you and woke up to reality.

 

Do you think he is mentally unstable? It's difficult to understand why a man, in such a close community, would make it publicly known that he wanted to have a future with you unless he was dead certain.

 

I imagine he and his wife are going through their individual hells at the moment also.

 

His history and all his life are all built with his wife.

 

Step out of their life, go to counselling and give it a try. You don't have anything to lose. You have your whole life ahead of you. This is just one chapter in your book and you need to write many more.

 

Thinking of you,

Poppy.

 

Mental instability is something I've considered as everyone at University is perplexed, shocked, and appalled at his actions. I was convinced (as was everyone else) that this is what he wanted. He now claims he "wasn't himself", but I heard that several times over the past year, including when he admitted that he had feelings for me, where afterwards he told me he felt like "himself" again. I have since learned some things about his history at the University which do not paint a favourable picture, and though he has never had an affair before, he has a history of lying and re-writing history to paint a more favourable picture of himself. I don't know what was real of anything he told me he felt, all I know is that for me it was painfully real. I don't understand how someone can tell their colleague they're madly in love with a student with tears in his eyes then only a few days later claim he never loved her - it boggles the mind.

 

Yes, I imagine that things are quite difficult for them both at present, especially with the potential of him losing his job adding to the stress. They have been married for 8 years, and her ex husband cheated on - and left her - for another woman, so that no doubt compounds her pain. He was also married before, and his wife left him for another woman. They have ok children together, but he has adult children from a previous marriage. From what I know of her response to our affair, I think the prospect of her having to start again at her age was playing on her mind.

 

I have stepped away from the situation and isolated myself as much as possible from any triggers etc. I deactivated my Facebook account even though they'd both blocked me as I just want to disappear. Again, I'm trying to be brave and put myself back together, but I have no peace of mind, and moving forward is impossible at present because of my involvement with the University's investigation. I feel guilty at times because I don't want to hurt him and be the reason he lost his job. I hate that he's put me in this position and he knows this...

 

I wish I knew what he was thinking or had some answers to work with.

 

I need affirmation that NC is for the best and will serve no purpose.

 

Thanks for your support Poppy.

[elaine567]

I don't think his wife is receptive to my side of things at present, but I think there is an element of a power struggle. I think she deserves to know the truth, and there is no way their marriage will survive if he continues to lie about our relationship. I say this, and I'm very close to giving up on the whole thing and leaving him to lie in the "cesspool" he created.

 

Which is exactly the thing you should do. Leave them to it. He has made his choice, what they do with the rest of their lives is nothing to do with you.

 

I feel like he's just brushed me under the carpet and forgotten I exist - I want him to know how much he's hurt me, and to be honest and give me answers, but I don't think he has any himself....

I couldn't make sense of any of it when I contrasted it with his actions towards me only a couple of hours earlier.

I guess something drastic happened here that made his plans with you, null and void.

She has him by the short and curlies, as they say.

 

NO good will come of pressing this any further, accept it for what it is. An affair that went under the bus on d-day. It is not uncommon. Spouses especially men do not often leave their wives when it comes down to a stark choice. YOU are not alone there.

Pick yourself up and get on with your life, like so many others do every day.

[Little Pleiades]

*Typo in my last post: they have no children together - bloody predictive text!

[jen1447]

Hey Little P, be strong. Whenever you feel the need to talk, just post it here instead of to him. We're here for you and we're listening. You'll be ok.

 

NC really isn't just a smart move on your part right now, but also the only move due to what's going on there. You've mentioned an investigation - I assume that means the university is looking into all this, with him as the potential offender being as he was in a position of authority over you. That means that whatever's going to happen will happen regardless of your input at this point. But by interacting with him you could muddy the waters for yourself as well. Right now the facts speak for themselves, and by leaving it at that you're doing nothing more than letting the chips fall where they may for him. But if you re-engage with some sort of agenda - whatever it may be, it's possible that could affect your future as well. You don't want to go from the victim in all this to a meddler who the university might rather not have around.

 

If I were you I'd maintain total NC with him and his wife (nothing good can come of it - it's not your job to try to save their marriage or inform his wife what an ass he is) and cooperate with any official bodies who might seek relevant information from you, such as university investigators. By not making these moves yourself, you're not harming anybody, and by cooperating if someone comes to you, you're simply doing your civic duty. The facts of the matter are his own doing.

 

Again, you'll be fine thru all this hon, trust me. It will suck a lot of the time like it already has, but you'll get thru it.

[the_artist_1970]

Thanks again for all your comments and words of support.

 

Lady, I'm sorry that you also found yourself at such a low ebb as a BS; I know that others on here can empathise. I think that because he ended it in such a cruel way, and because he went NC straight away (except for the conversation we had a few weeks ago whereby he said not answering my calls was killing him), I feel like I have been abandoned and he won't hear me, and so I am taking every last thing out on myself. I can't shake off the feeling that I am inherently defective and that I am utterly repulsive. I feel like I deserve to suffer because I am obviously a worthless person whose urge to be loved and give loved has caused so much heartache. That's all I ever wanted - to love and feel loved. I am very sensitive, and I do have a big heart, but I'm afraid I don't think I can trust myself or anyone else anymore. I don't want to grow cold, and I'm so scared I'm going to die alone. I feel like he only entered in a relationship out of pity/wanting to "fix" me.

 

I am taking medication at present and am due to start counselling tomorrow, but again, I ask myself what's the point!?

 

I don't think his wife is receptive to my side of things at present, but I think there is an element of a power struggle. I think she deserves to know the truth, and there is no way their marriage will survive if he continues to lie about our relationship. I say this, and I'm very close to giving up on the whole thing and leaving him to lie in the "cesspool" he created.

 

I feel weak and torn today as one half of me never wants to see him again or for him to know anything about what happens to me from this point, but I'm struggling with the urge to contact him again. I feel like he's just brushed me under the carpet and forgotten I exist - I want him to know how much he's hurt me, and to be honest and give me answers, but I don't think he has any himself. After we split, he saw his doctor and they advised him to not contact or engage with me - I saw this as cowardly and so hurtful considering the way he left things. I can only imagine he told them I'm a nutcase who won't go away, and then he scuttled off with "stress", making himself into the victim and absolving himself of as much responsibility as possible, which I think would be very frustrating for his wife as she probably feels she can't push him or be outwardly angry. I don't doubt he was/is stressed, but I felt I'd been tossed aside in such a brutal fashion, and I couldn't make sense of any of it when I contrasted it with his actions towards me only a couple of hours earlier.

 

So, please, I need some encouragement to continue with NC - I'm really struggling with myself today.

 

I pray that you find peace and realize that if one person can drive you to despair and suicide, there is something deep within you that needs fixing. You may not see the need in counseling but I strongly advise you to seek professional help. No one person should have the ability to destroy another person the way you have allowed this man to destroy you. You have given him total power over your entire well being and your future. He is just one man. There are billions of people on this planet.

 

As far as what his W did to make him change his mind, you will never know. The thing about a M is that two ppl share history and so much more than you can gain from an A. Two ppl are bonded together and carry the weight of the world together. Their union is a bond that wasn't broken by an A. XMM probably did develop feelings of love for you, but "feelings" are not what makes relationships work. In long term marriages feelings go from one spectrum to another. Marriage is about commitment to another person in spite of those occasional "feelings" of things other than love that one may feel for their spouse temporarily. Right now, if he is truly rebuilding his M, his only thought is his W and their M. The two of them are bonding together and ridding their M of outside interferences that may cause harm to their M. I know this may seem harsh to you, but you are a threat to their M and he is doing what he should do when rebuilding. Forget about them and what they are doing an concentrate on how you can become a better you and find joy in your own life.

[Southern Sun]

Take it from all of us on here - he wasn't with you out of pity!

 

Secondly - maintain NC if it's the last freaking thing you do. It is the safest thing, the smartest thing, and will ultimately help you heal.

 

Besides - this jerk doesn't DESERVE to think he is even on your mind.

[Little Pleiades]

This situation affects other parts of my life too, which I am also extremely torn-up about.

 

I feel consumed with self-loathing right now and I can't stop crying. I feel disgusting and I don't want to see him ever again.

 

I feel stuck. I am a piece of crap and no wonder he didn't really love me. I repulse myself. I just want to disappear.

[jen1447]

You need a cuddle hon.

 

(why don't we have a hug smiley on here??)

[Southern Sun]

LP, I am concerned for you. Please seek help in real life. But also know that this man is NOT worth the power you are giving him. Don't let what happened with this ass define who you are. You were YOU before him. Stop and think about that.

[jwi71]

And it happened right after the "financial discussion." My guess is that was not a coincidence and she had something on him that smacked the cheat right out of him and back into 'loyalty.' Who knows what - maybe the mortgage is in her name, maybe her dad's rich, maybe a very specific prenup, maybe the OM's penniless and she threatened to leave him penniless-er, etc., etc.

 

Jen is insinuating that finances, not emotion, drive him back to his W. Which, to me, might allow one, perhaps LP, to convince herself that the love is still there (its not) and worth hanging onto and waiting for.

 

But what if we say the exact same thing Jen does - except instead of talking about the money thing between xMM (lets not forget the x) and his W - we make this between xMM and LP.

 

LP, your xMM values his money more than you. Said yet another way, you worth to xMM has measurable dollar amount - its whatever amount his W holds over him (if she in fact does - that in itself is pure guess - but a reasonable one). Think about that a bit. There is an amount of money he values more than you. In fact, he values this money so much, he is willing to go back to his W to "have".

 

Do you REALLY want a man who sees you with a dollar sign over your head?

Does love have a price tag? Does yours? His certainly seems to. Are you the richest woman alive? If not, then you will ALWAYS be susceptible to "him" chasing a bigger bank account (provided Jen's assertion is correct).

 

And your depression, especially if coupled with thoughts of suicide, are FAR beyond the scope of LS. You should seek qualified mental health immediately.

 

As to whether or not you have worth - of course you do.

 

I bothered to write all this drivel, most of what I write likely falls under this label - so says my W anyway (what does she know anyway hummph), so yes, you ARE valued. I see pages of value.

 

I do encourage you to read here. Post as you will - what you will. Take which resonates with you and ignore the rest (but do read it all - antithetical advice is often the most eye-opening)

[Hope Shimmers]

LP, I sent you a PM. I'm here if you need to talk today.

[OldRover]

Jen is insinuating that finances, not emotion, drive him back to his W. Which, to me, might allow one, perhaps LP, to convince herself that the love is still there (its not) and worth hanging onto and waiting for.

 

But what if we say the exact same thing Jen does - except instead of talking about the money thing between xMM (lets not forget the x) and his W - we make this between xMM and LP.

 

LP, your xMM values his money more than you. Said yet another way, you worth to xMM has measurable dollar amount - its whatever amount his W holds over him (if she in fact does - that in itself is pure guess - but a reasonable one). Think about that a bit. There is an amount of money he values more than you. In fact, he values this money so much, he is willing to go back to his W to "have".

 

Do you REALLY want a man who sees you with a dollar sign over your head?

Does love have a price tag? Does yours? His certainly seems to. Are you the richest woman alive? If not, then you will ALWAYS be susceptible to "him" chasing a bigger bank account (provided Jen's assertion is correct).

 

And your depression, especially if coupled with thoughts of suicide, are FAR beyond the scope of LS. You should seek qualified mental health immediately.

 

As to whether or not you have worth - of course you do.

 

I bothered to write all this drivel, most of what I write likely falls under this label - so says my W anyway (what does she know anyway hummph), so yes, you ARE valued. I see pages of value.

 

I do encourage you to read here. Post as you will - what you will. Take which resonates with you and ignore the rest (but do read it all - antithetical advice is often the most eye-opening)

 

I'm not so sure, that the MM has chosen money over LP..... I can believe he's that dumb to go through all of this without some knowledge of divorce laws in his state and have a pretty good feeling where he would stand at the end. If he REALLY had no intention of a divorce, I can't believe he'd be so stupid as to "tell everyone" his plan. Gut feeling there's more. He has way more time and effort invested in the marriage, and perhaps just realized that it was worth saving rather than investing time with a short term relationship that would have a long way to go to become permanent. Who knows.....? However, that's not really the point, and who cares? I'd be WAY more concerned about fixing the emotional roller coaster that LP is going through and the heck with anything else for now. She need help... and sounds like she is heading in the right direction.....

[StrungOut1975]

I have/am experiencing many of the feelings of the LP. Worthlessness, detest, shame, suicide, lack of dignity, deep depression, deep obsession etc.

 

I understand your pain. What I can say is consider it a blessing that the MM has initiated NC and has stuck to it. I've learned that many relapse bc of the lack of willpower of one or both. Neither myself or my MM have the willpower to sustain NC. It's an awful, horrible feeling to feel not in control of your actions and thoughts. To watch your life crumbling around you and not have the strength to stop it and to further propel its' destruction. Please realize that this man is actually SAVING your life by leaving you alone.

 

I wish you nothing but peace and healing.

[Dela]

This situation affects other parts of my life too, which I am also extremely torn-up about.

 

I feel consumed with self-loathing right now and I can't stop crying. I feel disgusting and I don't want to see him ever again.

 

I feel stuck. I am a piece of crap and no wonder he didn't really love me. I repulse myself. I just want to disappear.

 

Don t talk about yourself like this. You are a wonderful person and i m sure he had feelings for u, otherwise why the heck he told everyone about you??

It s what they do, they feel confident until they tell the wife, then she finds ways to threaten them and they become puppies. Don t be so hard on urself...

What happened doesn t have anything to do with you being a bad person. Bad people and piece of crap people don t love other people. u love this man and u will be fine. we are here for u, please take care and talk to us

[Quiet Storm]

You've recently discovered that your MM is weak, but it's very likely that his wife has known he is weak for a long time.

 

Since she's lived with a weak man all these years, it's not suprising that she sees you as the femme fatale type, and feels the affair is just another manifestation of his weakness or "mid life crisis".

 

She's handling it like many spouses handle alcoholism or addiction. They often feel the affair isn't a result of marriage issues or this once in a lifetime love- it's because he has no boundaries, self indulges and is just a weak man with issues. So she may not be blaming you... she just knows how he is.

 

She's probably dealt with tons of disappointments involving his weakness and shortcomings over the years. I doubt she's seeing him as a great guy and you as this defective depressed woman. I think she probably sees you both as two people with issues who made poor choices. And that could very well be the truth. Admitting that doesn't mean he didn't love you and it was all a lie, it just means that both of you have issues that led you down this path.

 

You now see this weak man that she's been dealing with, and feel betrayed by that weakness. The same way she does. She just wants a strong guy with integrity, too, you know. The weakness in him that led him to have an affair (instead of handling his marriage issues with integrity), is the same weakness that betrayed you. So he clearly is not a good partner for anyone, and trust me, his weak character would not morph into a man of integrity if he left her to be with you. You'd just be dealing with the same issues she is dealing with.

 

You and his wife are the collateral damage, but this is just how he operates. He doesn't confront his marriage issues because he's weak, he doesn't stick to his vows because he's weak, he doesn't have boundaries because he's weak, he lies because he's weak, he didn't keep his promises because he's weak, he didn't set his wife straight about you because he's weak, etc. etc. But now you know- he's a weak, pathetic man who is not worthy of either of you or his wife.

 

Please get as much help as possible for your depression. You feel a loss and need to grieve. You fell in love with a man who isn't good for you. But this doesn't mean you are defective or worthless. It doesn't mean you have to hold onto the shame. You are a good person who unfortunately got involved with the wrong guy. It's not the end of the world. There are much, much better men out there, and his choices have nothing to do with your worth. Have faith that these feelings are only temporary, and that there is joy and happiness in your future.

[jwi71]

I'm not so sure, that the MM has chosen money over LP..... I can believe he's that dumb to go through all of this without some knowledge of divorce laws in his state and have a pretty good feeling where he would stand at the end. If he REALLY had no intention of a divorce, I can't believe he'd be so stupid as to "tell everyone" his plan. Gut feeling there's more. He has way more time and effort invested in the marriage, and perhaps just realized that it was worth saving rather than investing time with a short term relationship that would have a long way to go to become permanent. Who knows.....? However, that's not really the point, and who cares? I'd be WAY more concerned about fixing the emotional roller coaster that LP is going through and the heck with anything else for now. She need help... and sounds like she is heading in the right direction.....

 

I tend to not reply to replies but Im worried my point was missed by OP.

 

I do not know, nor does anyone, why MM bailed. Only he knows (it doesnt matter anyways - and is almost always for the best). What I was saying is, if Jen's post was correct (and it IS to some degree), that we could flip the script a bit and view it through the MM and LP PoV and not the MM and his W.

 

Many times do we read here that MM can't leave "all of that" behind. Which is simply saying :

 

"You(generic) are not worth the sum of my potential monetary loss"

 

alternatively stated as:

 

"You(generic) are worth X dollars and the amount I stand to lose is more than X so see ya, it was fun while it lasted"

 

I would opine even that is an excuse - but off topic.

 

What a world class douche bag. Again, generic. Although likely appropriate here as well as I suspect the MM picked up on LP's depression and insecurity, had some fun, got caught up in the heady early days of love, stupidly went about saying it and got a reality check from "everyone" - or at least the W. Leaving OP dazed and confused. The reality check, in its detail, are unimportant only suffice it to know he choose otherwise. And, cannot be stressed enough, is NO measure of the OP at all. It NEVER is.

 

None of this has any bearing on OP. She needs to realize her worth is intrinsic and not extrinsic and that path is not only beyond the scope of this thread but of LS in general.

[mckenna2]

I was the "other gal" for awhile now at work. It started because he caught me using weed at work (hard for me to quit) and then he tried and we ended up having sex in a locker room at work. He's married and so am I. Went on and on and the sex was very good. I felt and still feel guilty but now he has finally said the guilt bothers him too much. I think there is some part of me that says this is a good thing....but difficult for me right now. I was beginning to have feelings.

[finally43]

I was using HER words when I said she was old and less attractive (I said "in her mind"). When he left her, she told him she felt old and ugly after she hacked into his Facebook account and browsed my profile. She perceived me as the cliché of a femme fatale, and didn't take me seriously at all; she would tell him that he simply had his head turned by a “pretty” woman, and that it was nothing more than a sordid fling. This perception wasn't helped by the fact that he did not stand up for me, and this is what hurts. I am not angry with her, as if I were her I would be doing everything I could to hold onto my marriage at first – what I hate is that he didn't correct her assumptions and allowed me to take full responsibility when I thought he loved me. His weakness is what angers me. I would never personally attack anyone in such a way, and so again, I can assure you that those words were not mine. Re: my 'Misery' comment: perhaps that was a bit over the top, but again I have no feelings of vitriol for her, as she is simply doing everything she can to keep him there; again, where I take issue is with his spinelessness in not being honest with her and explaining exactly what happened, and allowing this narrative of him being “confused” and in a “midlife crisis” to be propagated. That he would allow whatever it was we shared to be reduced in such a way is agonising when my feelings are genuine and achingly real.

 

I think you need to take everything you "know" about her or "heard" about her and throw it in the trash bin. Unless you spoke to her, you don't really know what she said or felt. You were given this info by the cheater and he isn't going to tell you anything good or nice about his wife. It takes away from him romancing you.

 

As someone who has been hurt in an affair, you will do yourself no good trying to understand what he did. It's done. It can't be undone. Doesn't matter if he really had feelings for you. Doesn't matter what happened for him to "change his mind". The events that happened are in the past. How he is trying to fix things at home isn't a concern for you. Same thing for at work, except I worry for you that you may not be prepared for back lash you may get because you did willingly go into the affair. Yes, he lied, but you were under no illusions about his marriage.

 

You need to work on forgiving yourself. I think everybody who has been the "other" has gone through self loathing / self hate. For me, I had to examine why I did it, try to come to terms with why I chose to overlook all the flags I saw (and made justifications for) and finally, forgive myself and put it in the past. Took me a year or so to put the past in the past. I am now married to a wonderful man, who knows of my past participation in an affair, and we have an amazing, loving and wonderful life. I never could have imagined that my life would have turned around the way it did. Believe in yourself. That's key in moving forward.

[Josmatjes]

You've recently discovered that your MM is weak, but it's very likely that his wife has known he is weak for a long time.

 

Since she's lived with a weak man all these years, it's not suprising that she sees you as the femme fatale type, and feels the affair is just another manifestation of his weakness or "mid life crisis".

 

She's handling it like many spouses handle alcoholism or addiction. They often feel the affair isn't a result of marriage issues or this once in a lifetime love- it's because he has no boundaries, self indulges and is just a weak man with issues. So she may not be blaming you... she just knows how he is.

 

She's probably dealt with tons of disappointments involving his weakness and shortcomings over the years. I doubt she's seeing him as a great guy and you as this defective depressed woman. I think she probably sees you both as two people with issues who made poor choices. And that could very well be the truth. Admitting that doesn't mean he didn't love you and it was all a lie, it just means that both of you have issues that led you down this path.

 

You now see this weak man that she's been dealing with, and feel betrayed by that weakness. The same way she does. She just wants a strong guy with integrity, too, you know. The weakness in him that led him to have an affair (instead of handling his marriage issues with integrity), is the same weakness that betrayed you. So he clearly is not a good partner for anyone, and trust me, his weak character would not morph into a man of integrity if he left her to be with you. You'd just be dealing with the same issues she is dealing with.

 

You and his wife are the collateral damage, but this is just how he operates. He doesn't confront his marriage issues because he's weak, he doesn't stick to his vows because he's weak, he doesn't have boundaries because he's weak, he lies because he's weak, he didn't keep his promises because he's weak, he didn't set his wife straight about you because he's weak, etc. etc. But now you know- he's a weak, pathetic man who is not worthy of either of you or his wife.

 

Please get as much help as possible for your depression. You feel a loss and need to grieve. You fell in love with a man who isn't good for you. But this doesn't mean you are defective or worthless. It doesn't mean you have to hold onto the shame. You are a good person who unfortunately got involved with the wrong guy. It's not the end of the world. There are much, much better men out there, and his choices have nothing to do with your worth. Have faith that these feelings are only temporary, and that there is joy and happiness in your future.

 

 

WOW! You just described my mm and probably a lot of others too. I always have to remind myself that my mm' s wife slept in another room and despised him for a reason. I wish I would of put that forefront in my mind before I started to be with him . She knew him much better and longer and you are right about eventually you would face the same problems...

 

Great post!

 

Lp, you will get through this and it will make you STRONGER!!!

[Quiet Storm]

WOW! You just described my mm and probably a lot of others too. I always have to remind myself that my mm' s wife slept in another room and despised him for a reason. I wish I would of put that forefront in my mind before I started to be with him . She knew him much better and longer and you are right about eventually you would face the same problems...

 

Great post!

 

Lp, you will get through this and it will make you STRONGER!!!

 

It's rare that the wife is horrible, or he'd be out of there trying to get custody of his kids. Most marriages have ups and downs, and you have to remember that MMs are giving OW clues about his character with his lies and behavior towards his wife.

 

Many MM paint a picture of a wife that doesn't get him, who doesn't want to have sex with him, is cold to him- but he leaves out the years of disappointments and broken promises. He doesn't admit to the irresponsible, weak and selfish behavior that led to that resentment between them. This isn't to say his wife is a saint, but he avoids trying to resolve the conflict in his marriage, and instead finds someone who doesn't know he's weak and selfish, someone who believes in him (because he hasn't disappointed her yet).

 

OW sees him as a great guy at first, because she doesn't really know him (his bad side) yet. As the affair goes on and the promises start being broken, she gets glimpses of his selfishness and weakness. She realizes he lies to her, too. He's not there when she needs him. It's all about him and his comfort level. She begins to hold him accountable (like his wife), and he avoids resolving these conflicts, too, because he's weak. So the OW ends up perpetually disappointed, and her resentment towards him builds.

 

These MM aren't worthy. Their own issues make them bad husbands/ boyfriends, for any woman. There are good men out there that aren't conflict avoidant or weak, and have integrity, who are in the right frame of mind for a real, honest relationship.