It's over - now what!? (Break-up with MM)

[jwi71]

when you say you take responsibility for your part, what does that mean to you?

 

I have the EXACT question.

What are YOU responsible for?

 

There's been a lot of focus on BS and MM, but really it doesn't matter anymore.

 

As is often is the case...we spend "forever" dissecting "them" and rarely examining ourselves, our roles and responsibilities played....

 

Some self evaluation and introspection is what you need to work on. Try and understand what it was that made you think it was OK to have an affair with a married man and actively participate in breaking up someone else's marriage. Start there.

 

Agreed.

What made you believe that becoming involved with a MM was a good idea?

 

Not snarky at all...its a real question...I hope you examine the red flags you ignored and really, WHY you ignored them. That, to me, is usually the genesis of virtually every mess we create for ourselves.

[Susmay]

What amazes ME is that you seem to be determined to project your own biases onto my situation without properly reading what I've written. I do NOT blame her, I blame HIM for being weak and giving into her perceptions of me when he knew better. I blame HIM for his pathological lies about his marriage to not just me, but his colleagues too; by all accounts, his wife wanted to move back to her hometown, and she told him she didn't love him, and it was just a question of him leaving for good - of course, I now know that this was all a lie, and that is just the tip of the iceburg. I blame HIM for how I've been misrepresented and for allowing me to be "thrown under a bus" while he absolves himself of any responsibility. I DO take responsibility for my part, and no, I do not think of her as the "devil", so please don't twist my words when I've been very clear about my opinion of his wife. I was merely stating what she'd done and my frustration at his getting away with lying about everything, being weak, and exploiting my "issues" to excuse his actions. I could have replied to her messages and I could have hurt her even more by exposing him, but I haven't because I didn't want to do any more damage. The truth will come out soon.

 

Please don't comment unless you're wiling to be fair - which most of you have been - and know that my anger and pain truly is directed squarely at him.

 

 

I said nothing that was incorrect. As you have described it you DID have an affair with a married man, and you HAVE directed a lot of vitriol at his wife, and complained a lot about what she's done. You have also blamed him, rightly so, but not taken much responsibility for your own actions.

 

 

The take home message for you, in my opinion, should be "don't ever mess around with married men again", but if you don't want to see that, it's fine by me. You did ask for our opinions as I recall. It doesn't bother me in the slightest if you don't take any notice or even if you disagree and do in fact think it's OK to interfere in other people's marriages. I mean whatever made you think it was all going to be OK to interfere in someone else's marriage? Most of what you know about her thoughts and feelings before she discovered the A cannot have come from her, but probably from him and you knew for certain he was a liar from the get go, because MMin affairs are always lying to somebody.

 

 

I am sorry for the pain you are in. I do happen to know from personal experience that it's a very painful thing to learn. It's also sad if someone doesn't actually learn from it.

Edited June 15, 2015 by Susmay

[Confused48]

OP - You describe a very despicable man. You seem to be very aware of his faults and that he is not a good person. Then you say, "I still love him."

 

What?! Why? How?

 

I do believe it is true or you would not be here agonizing over the loss of him. Still, I don't understand how this is possible. I have been on LS long enough to have seen this many times. I've never asked this question before though so maybe you can help me understand, how is this possible, knowing what you know about him?

[Little Pleiades]

I do not have any vitriol for his wife. If you can't take my word on that, then I don't know what else I can say.

 

In terms of his lies, Old Rover, I did elucidate some of those in my previous posts. He lied to his wife about what happened and to everyone else - even when he has been in full confession mode, he has lied, and has humiliated both his wife and I in ways that I cannot seem to reconcile with myself.

 

You should all know that despite my anger towards him, that doesn't compare to the self-loathing and depths to which I'm currently tormenting and blaming myself. That some of you think that I don't take any responsibility really hurts me, because I have been on the verge of suicide over the past few weeks and riddled with both guilt and shame. I already think I'm a piece of crap and defective, so nobody could beat me up any more than I already do myself. I cannot make peace with myself for any of this.

 

Why do I still love him? I don't know. Perhaps it's just residual attachment. I guess it doesn't matter as both it and I are a waste. I'm very introspective, but the only truth I can currently find is that I'm a gaping void of a human being, who misdirects their love, and who probably doesn't deserve any peace of mind.

 

I want to write more, but I'm in a very bad place today. Thank you again for all your comments.

[Dela]

i am so sorry for what you are going thru... i am currently in a relationship with a married man and i need to end is ASAP.

 

i m sure u are strong and u deserve to be loved. don t beat yourself up and don t be so hard on yourself. relationshps with MM are full of dissappintment and heartache and in the end someone gets really hurt. in many cases, it s the woman.

try to put back order in ur life and be at peace with yourself. **** happens when we fall in love with the wrong man. but in the end, we are the only ones who can fight for our sanity and for a better future.

take care

[Popsicle]

This is why I tell people to stay away from separated men/women. It's not over until the divorce is finalized, no matter what they say.

[jen1447]

I said nothing that was incorrect. As you have described it you DID have an affair with a married man, and you HAVE directed a lot of vitriol at his wife, and complained a lot about what she's done. You have also blamed him, rightly so, but not taken much responsibility for your own actions.

 

 

The take home message for you, in my opinion, should be "don't ever mess around with married men again", but if you don't want to see that, it's fine by me. You did ask for our opinions as I recall.

She specifically asked for advice on how to cope with her pain, not blame-placement and relationship evaluation, so maybe lay off a little? As you can see from her later post she's in a bad space right now.

 

OP - You describe a very despicable man. You seem to be very aware of his faults and that he is not a good person. Then you say, "I still love him."

 

What?! Why? How?

 

I do believe it is true or you would not be here agonizing over the loss of him. Still, I don't understand how this is possible. I have been on LS long enough to have seen this many times. I've never asked this question before though so maybe you can help me understand, how is this possible, knowing what you know about him?

Seriously? It's bc love is irrational - always has been, always will be. About the worst thing you can do with a person distraught over love is ask them to try to rationally explain why they love somebody.

[anika99]

I do not have any vitriol for his wife. If you can't take my word on that, then I don't know what else I can say.

 

In terms of his lies, Old Rover, I did elucidate some of those in my previous posts. He lied to his wife about what happened and to everyone else - even when he has been in full confession mode, he has lied, and has humiliated both his wife and I in ways that I cannot seem to reconcile with myself.

 

You should all know that despite my anger towards him, that doesn't compare to the self-loathing and depths to which I'm currently tormenting and blaming myself. That some of you think that I don't take any responsibility really hurts me, because I have been on the verge of suicide over the past few weeks and riddled with both guilt and shame. I already think I'm a piece of crap and defective, so nobody could beat me up any more than I already do myself. I cannot make peace with myself for any of this.

 

Why do I still love him? I don't know. Perhaps it's just residual attachment. I guess it doesn't matter as both it and I are a waste. I'm very introspective, but the only truth I can currently find is that I'm a gaping void of a human being, who misdirects their love, and who probably doesn't deserve any peace of mind.

 

I want to write more, but I'm in a very bad place today. Thank you again for all your comments.

 

It's understandable that you still have feelings for the MM even after he has done this awful thing to you. Feelings cannot come and go on command. You just have to go through the grief and then the healing.

 

 

I don't think your MM lied about having feelings for you either. I think you had a short affair that was still very much in the infatuation and fantasy stage when it blew up. Your MM was caught up in the passion and the fantasy life he was creating with you but when he told his wife and others and he saw his life changing over night it probably broke the spell and brought him back to reality. You were quite hostile towards his wife in your first post. Described her as a older, less attractive than you, control freak who was treating her husband like a patient. Even went so far as to say their situation was like the movie "misery". As if she has him tied up in her basement and is breaking his bones to force him to stay with her. LOL, it's a little over the top.

 

 

Every mistake we make has the potential to be a life lesson if you are willing to accept accountability and learn. Don't overly romanticize the MM or try to hold onto the fantasy. Stay focused on what's real and you will heal sooner rather than later.

[elaine567]

Seems to be a very rapid turnaround here, and so I guess his wife held all the cards and used them to great effect, what ever they were, to keep him married to her.

[Hope Shimmers]

If you are going to mess around with another woman's husband and insert yourself into another woman's marriage you should be prepared for the consequences; including that your reputation gets trashed. You hardly have the "right" to complain when the wife is upset. I am amazed that you seem to feel entitled to mess up another woman's life (who is presumably unknown to you) and then complain about whatever she does to mess up your life.

 

Wow. You need to BACK OFF.

 

Here is what the OP asked for in her first post: " Do you have any advice on how to heal or cope with this pain? I can't get rid of that ache in my chest. Am I doing the right thing by maintaining NC? I guess I just need some moral support/words of wisdom."

 

Where in that did you decide that she needed morality advice about affairs?

 

Where in any of her posts did you come to the conclusion that she "feels entitled to upset another woman's life"?

 

It seems to me that if she "inserted herself into another woman's marriage", as you put it, that she was invited there and encouraged to be there by this woman's A**HAT of a husband.

 

And yes, she has the "right" to complain about anything she wants, here on the OW/OM forum.

 

That some of you think that I don't take any responsibility really hurts me, because I have been on the verge of suicide over the past few weeks and riddled with both guilt and shame. I already think I'm a piece of crap and defective, so nobody could beat me up any more than I already do myself.

 

I know EXACTLY how you feel. Exactly.

 

I'm sorry I didn't reply to your PM sooner, as I haven't been in a frame of mind to reply to most of my PMs, but I will get to it today. I hope I can help you. Stay strong. It will get better. I promise.

[gettingstronger]

Seems to be a very rapid turnaround here, and so I guess his wife held all the cards and used them to great effect, what ever they were, to keep him married to her.

 

 

 

I do not understand this thinking- held all the cards and used them- I have to say that it seems to me that this MM has no conviction or backbone- you can not blame the wife for that- he, like all of us, is responsible for his own actions-the whole "if it were not for that wife, we would......." is such a tired excuse-no one forced him to lead the OP on and then hurt her this way- he did that all on his own-

[elaine567]

I do not understand this thinking- held all the cards and used them- I have to say that it seems to me that this MM has no conviction or backbone- you can not blame the wife for that- he, like all of us, is responsible for his own actions-the whole "if it were not for that wife, we would......." is such a tired excuse-no one forced him to lead the OP on and then hurt her this way- he did that all on his own-

 

 

I have no doubt he is weak, but within hours he went from all guns blazing forward, to a complete 180 and a blithering wreck, so I guess something else happened here.

[jen1447]

And it happened right after the "financial discussion." My guess is that was not a coincidence and she had something on him that smacked the cheat right out of him and back into 'loyalty.' Who knows what - maybe the mortgage is in her name, maybe her dad's rich, maybe a very specific prenup, maybe the OM's penniless and she threatened to leave him penniless-er, etc., etc.

[elaine567]

And it happened right after the "financial discussion." My guess is that was not a coincidence and she had something on him that smacked the cheat right out of him and back into 'loyalty.' Who knows what - maybe the mortgage is in her name, maybe her dad's rich, maybe a very specific prenup, maybe the OM's penniless and she threatened to leave him penniless-er, etc., etc.

 

My exact thoughts too.

[gettingstronger]

I have no doubt he is weak, but within hours he went from all guns blazing forward, to a complete 180 and a blithering wreck, so I guess something else happened here.

 

 

My guess is as the OP said- he is a master manipulator-capable of putting on an award winning show- she sees that in him and I believe her-

 

Finances, family, whatever- people leave all the time- even those that do not don't go to the lengths this guy did to inflict pain on the OW-he is spineless and cruel, end of story-nothing the OW or the BS did caused any of what he decided was his best course of action to save his hide-what a jerk-

[Confused48]

 

Seriously? It's bc love is irrational - always has been, always will be. About the worst thing you can do with a person distraught over love is ask them to try to rationally explain why they love somebody.

 

Sorry to the OP if I made it worse for her by asking that question.

 

I do see how love can be irrational when you are in the infatuation stage. However, in the stage that the OP is in now, where it becomes clear to even her that the AP is a dirt bag, how can she maintain "genuine love" for him. (The quote was from a post of hers in another thread.)

 

I could understand some level of attachment but love, no. I don't get it, at this stage.

 

Again sorry to the OP if this is making it worse. I will stop posting on your thread if you would rather not explore this.

[Hope Shimmers]

Sorry to the OP if I made it worse for her by asking that question.

 

I do see how love can be irrational when you are in the infatuation stage. However, in the stage that the OP is in now, where it becomes clear to even her that the AP is a dirt bag, how can she maintain "genuine love" for him. (The quote was from a post of hers in another thread.)

 

I could understand some level of attachment but love, no. I don't get it, at this stage.

 

Again sorry to the OP if this is making it worse. I will stop posting on your thread if you would rather not explore this.

 

Just because someone that you love suddenly proves to you that they are not the person you thought they were, it's not like just flipping a switch and losing those feelings of love instantly. It takes a period of grieving, anger, disbelief, introspection, etc before the heart catches up to the head. Sometimes a really long period.

 

As you are a BS who has dealt with your WS's affair since at least the last couple of years if not longer, and you have gone through/attempted reconciliation and all of the emotional difficulties associated with that, I'm honestly baffled why you even have to ask that question.

[jen1447]

Also OP said the affair lasted a few months. That's still the newness phase to me. You don't settle into a nice, smooth, even-keel relationship over the course of a few months.

 

I don't know that I agree that love ever really becomes rational anyway. It's about as pure an emotion as there is - prerational and spontaneous. Really nothing imperical about it, ever, imo.

[ladydesigner]

I would say to read a lot of whichwayisup's posts. Those are so spot on with valuable info and insight as to the dynamics of an A.

 

OP I truly am sorry you find yourself in this position like so many other OW, who thought their MM was was going to leave and then pull this exact stunt. It is very typical for MM to do this.

 

Take your time and surround yourself with a good support system. It's going to be hard to get over but doable.

 

As others have said try not to focus on the BS so much, more than likely she feels just as blindsided as you do. The way a BS feels on Dday is very similar to how the OW also feels when the MM does not leave the wife. It's like two different sides of the same coin.

 

The real culprit here is the MM. Focus your anger on him as he is the one who has put both of you in this position.

 

Again I am truly sorry for the pain you are in.

[Confused48]

Just because someone that you love suddenly proves to you that they are not the person you thought they were, it's not like just flipping a switch and losing those feelings of love instantly. It takes a period of grieving, anger, disbelief, introspection, etc before the heart catches up to the head. Sometimes a really long period.

 

As you are a BS who has dealt with your WS's affair since at least the last couple of years if not longer, and you have gone through/attempted reconciliation and all of the emotional difficulties associated with that, I'm honestly baffled why you even have to ask that question.

 

Thanks for trying to explain HS. I don't think my situation is the same though. I was in denial about my own WS for a long time. Then thinking WS is sorry, is repentant, remorseful, etc. Thinking it was something aberrant, would never happen again. For better or worse, I'm not in a place of accepting that my WS is a bad person. As is the OP.

 

This OP is right there with the rest of you saying how the AP is such a bad person. Sounds like she has no doubts about that. With no doubts about that, one would think it would be hard to use the word love with respect to that person. There would still be pain and loss from losing who you thought you were in a relationship with of course. However, it would seem that with the realization of who they really are, you could not feel love for that person, that you now see they are. As you realize, would you not at the same time feel differently?

[the_artist_1970]

I do not have any vitriol for his wife. If you can't take my word on that, then I don't know what else I can say.

 

In terms of his lies, Old Rover, I did elucidate some of those in my previous posts. He lied to his wife about what happened and to everyone else - even when he has been in full confession mode, he has lied, and has humiliated both his wife and I in ways that I cannot seem to reconcile with myself.

 

You should all know that despite my anger towards him, that doesn't compare to the self-loathing and depths to which I'm currently tormenting and blaming myself. That some of you think that I don't take any responsibility really hurts me, because I have been on the verge of suicide over the past few weeks and riddled with both guilt and shame. I already think I'm a piece of crap and defective, so nobody could beat me up any more than I already do myself. I cannot make peace with myself for any of this.

 

Why do I still love him? I don't know. Perhaps it's just residual attachment. I guess it doesn't matter as both it and I are a waste. I'm very introspective, but the only truth I can currently find is that I'm a gaping void of a human being, who misdirects their love, and who probably doesn't deserve any peace of mind.

 

I want to write more, but I'm in a very bad place today. Thank you again for all your comments.

 

The poster clearly stated that she suffers from depression which makes her vulnerable to predators like this MM. This man abused his power and he should be prosecuted or fired. I have learned that some ppl are not as strong as others and ppl like this lying MM saw her vulnerability and jumped on it. The proof in that, is that she is suicidal after a few months of "dating" a MM. She doesn't need to be beat up anymore. She needs comfort and help from others. I actually was extremely mad with my DH when he cheated because of a comment he made about the XOW being stupid (of course I was mad about the A also). I told him just because someone is vulnerable and naive doesn't mean that jerks like cheating MM should take advantage of them.

 

Little Pleiades, you have to seek therapy for your depression. You need to talk to a trained professional ASAP who can help you sort through your illness. Stop beating yourself up. You believed the lies of a cheater. Learn from this experience and don't allow yourself to give your all to another man unless you know 100% that he is totally available. Not separated, but totally single. I wish you peace. When you really learn how to love yourself, you won't ever allow yourself to fall in love with someone who isn't worthy of your love.

[anika99]

Thanks for trying to explain HS. I don't think my situation is the same though. I was in denial about my own WS for a long time. Then thinking WS is sorry, is repentant, remorseful, etc. Thinking it was something aberrant, would never happen again. For better or worse, I'm not in a place of accepting that my WS is a bad person. As is the OP.

 

This OP is right there with the rest of you saying how the AP is such a bad person. Sounds like she has no doubts about that. With no doubts about that, one would think it would be hard to use the word love with respect to that person. There would still be pain and loss from losing who you thought you were in a relationship with of course. However, it would seem that with the realization of who they really are, you could not feel love for that person, that you now see they are. As you realize, would you not at the same time feel differently?

 

 

Love cannot be turned off that way. It takes time. The love the OP has for her MM will die eventually so long as she doesn't overly romanticize the relationship in her mind and she resists the temptation to think that the MM is a helpless victim of his controlling "misery" like wife. So long as continues to face reality and does not turn the affair into a Romeo and Juliet tragedy in her mind, the love will fade.

[Little Pleiades]

I was using HER words when I said she was old and less attractive (I said "in her mind"). When he left her, she told him she felt old and ugly after she hacked into his Facebook account and browsed my profile. She perceived me as the cliché of a femme fatale, and didn't take me seriously at all; she would tell him that he simply had his head turned by a “pretty” woman, and that it was nothing more than a sordid fling. This perception wasn't helped by the fact that he did not stand up for me, and this is what hurts. I am not angry with her, as if I were her I would be doing everything I could to hold onto my marriage at first – what I hate is that he didn't correct her assumptions and allowed me to take full responsibility when I thought he loved me. His weakness is what angers me. I would never personally attack anyone in such a way, and so again, I can assure you that those words were not mine. Re: my 'Misery' comment: perhaps that was a bit over the top, but again I have no feelings of vitriol for her, as she is simply doing everything she can to keep him there; again, where I take issue is with his spinelessness in not being honest with her and explaining exactly what happened, and allowing this narrative of him being “confused” and in a “midlife crisis” to be propagated. That he would allow whatever it was we shared to be reduced in such a way is agonising when my feelings are genuine and achingly real.

 

Confused: your questions about why I still love him are pertinent, but I think the other posters (such as Jen, Hope, etc.) have answered it well as it does indeed take time for the heart to catch up with the head - as you seem to know – and that is something which his wife is surely struggling with too at present. This is a part of what tortures someone in such situations, as the shock, anger, betrayal, and confusion are in such opposition to the image we had of the person we love, and I guess it takes time for such things to reconcile in our hearts and minds. I say this, and I sound rational, but it is indeed in opposition to the feelings of longing and loving memories I have of him, which have now turned into nightmares.

 

I am actually a very strong person, but yes, I do struggle with depression. What hurts so much is that he used my depression in such a cynical way to both deflect attention from his actions and to portray me in such a negative fashion both at University and to his wife who already used my mental health issues against me to victimise him – again, I'm just stating the facts. I feel humiliated, and that has fed into the negative feelings I already have about myself, and so my self-esteem has pretty much evaporated. I don't understand how someone could be so cruel and exploit another's vulnerabilities in such a horrible way - I could never do that to someone, and it seems so unfathomable that I then find myself thinking that there must be something awfully wrong with me to deserve such treatment. Those feelings of shame, combined with the guilt I feel for the whole affair, and the heartache I'm going through means that I'm currently in a very dark place, from which every day I am struggling to keep myself going and hold on. I've managed to hold on for nearly six weeks without him, when I thought I'd be dead already, and I haven't contacted him for nearly three weeks. We have been told not to contact each other, but I don't think that I would be doing that anyway as he only seems interested in saving himself, and not in any genuine apology. That said, I have been getting a few calls from withheld numbers over the past few weeks, and my gut is telling me it's him checking I'm still alive, but I guess it doesn't really matter and I don't even think I want to speak to him because I can't believe a word he says and I don't trust him with myself anymore.

 

I don't think I'm ever going to know exactly what happened to change his mind, but as the shock (very) slowly subsides, I'm starting to see a few red flags, and I'm also slowly starting to see that what I thought was, is in fact a big fat lie. I think it was a combination of the fact that he'd told a lie as the backstory of our relationship to leave her, then couldn't support his lies and appeared to have lost his mind to his family, and caved in under the weight of his guilt and deceptions. That and his apparent weakness and lack of conviction, and yes, I think his wife obviously threw a few things in the mix to make him second-guess himself. I think his colleague was right when he said that my ex-MM is swayed by the last strong argument, and I think that's a factor. I don't think he's capable of autonomous thought/decision-making. Of course, I could be completely wrong and the truth could simply be that he doesn't - and never did - love me.

 

He's meant to be going away on a holiday they booked months ago this week, and so I'm sure he couldn't give two ****s about me at this time. We went away on a field trip before he left her, which ended up being more like a holiday, and it makes me sick to my stomach imagining them doing the things we were doing, though I doubt everything is hunky dory, and I guess his wife would be thinking the same thoughts about us when we went away. I'm doing everything I can to keep myself here and sane, but I have such a low opinion of myself at present that I don't feel like I'm worth saving.

 

I don't know what to do to stem the tide of pain. I'm trying my best. Everything is such a mess, and I don't know where to go from here or how to put everything back together; I built my future dreams – dreams I thought we shared – around him, and now they are dust.

 

Thanks again for all your insightful and thoughtful comments, and no, I don't need to be blamed or made to feel worse than I already do – if you were inside my head, you'd know that it is a mental torture chamber, and so if you want to know whether or not the evil OW suffers and takes responsibility: yes, she does.

Edited June 15, 2015 by Little Pleiades

[ladydesigner]

I was using HER words when I said she was old and less attractive (I said "in her mind"). When he left her, she told him she felt old and ugly after she hacked into his Facebook account and browsed my profile. She perceived me as the cliché of a femme fatale, and didn't take me seriously at all; she would tell him that he simply had his head turned by a “pretty” woman, and that it was nothing more than a sordid fling. This perception wasn't helped by the fact that he did not stand up for me, and this is what hurts. I am not angry with her, as if I were her I would be doing everything I could to hold onto my marriage at first – what I hate is that he didn't correct her assumptions and allowed me to take full responsibility when I thought he loved me. His weakness is what angers me. I would never personally attack anyone in such a way, and so again, I can assure you that those words were not mine. Re: my 'Misery' comment: perhaps that was a bit over the top, but again I have no feelings of vitriol for her, as she is simply doing everything she can to keep him there; again, where I take issue is with his spinelessness in not being honest with her and explaining exactly what happened, and allowing this narrative of him being “confused” and in a “midlife crisis” to be propagated. That he would allow whatever it was we shared to be reduced in such a way is agonising when my feelings are genuine and achingly real.

 

Confused: your questions about why I still love him are pertinent, but I think the other posters (such as Jen, Hope, etc.) have answered it well as it does indeed take time for the heart to catch up with the head - as you seem to know – and that is something which his wife is surely struggling with too at present. This is a part of what tortures someone in such situations, as the shock, anger, betrayal, and confusion are in such opposition to the image we had of the person we love, and I guess it takes time for such things to reconcile in our hearts and minds. I say this, and I sound rational, but it is indeed in opposition to the feelings of longing and loving memories I have of him, which have now turned into nightmares.

 

I am actually a very strong person, but yes, I do struggle with depression. What hurts so much is that he used my depression in such a cynical way to both deflect attention from his actions and to portray me in such a negative fashion both at University and to his wife who already used my mental health issues against me to victimise him – again, I'm just stating the facts. I feel humiliated, and that has fed into the negative feelings I already have about myself, and so my self-esteem has pretty much evaporated. I don't understand how someone could be so cruel and exploit another's vulnerabilities in such a horrible way - I could never do that to someone, and it seems so unfathomable that I then find myself thinking that there must be something awfully wrong with me to deserve such treatment. Those feelings of shame, combined with the guilt I feel for the whole affair, and the heartache I'm going through means that I'm currently in a very dark place, from which every day I am struggling to keep myself going and hold on. I've managed to hold on for nearly six weeks without him, when I thought I'd be dead already, and I haven't contacted him for nearly three weeks. We have been told not to contact each other, but I don't think that I would be doing that anyway as he only seems interested in saving himself, and not in any genuine apology. That said, I have been getting a few calls from withheld numbers over the past few weeks, and my gut is telling me it's him checking I'm still alive, but I guess it doesn't really matter and I don't even think I want to speak to him because I can't believe a word he says and I don't trust him with myself anymore.

 

I don't think I'm ever going to know exactly what happened to change his mind, but as the shock (very) slowly subsides, I'm starting to see a few red flags, and I'm also slowly starting to see that what I thought was, is in fact a big fat lie. I think it was a combination of the fact that he'd told a lie as the backstory of our relationship to leave her, then couldn't support his lies and appeared to have lost his mind to his family, and caved in under the weight of his guilt and deceptions. That and his apparent weakness and lack of conviction, and yes, I think his wife obviously threw a few things in the mix to make him second-guess himself. I think his colleague was right when he said that my ex-MM is swayed by the last strong argument, and I think that's a factor. I don't think he's capable of autonomous thought/decision-making. Of course, I could be completely wrong and the truth could simply be that he doesn't - and never did - love me.

 

He's meant to be going away on a holiday they booked months ago this week, and so I'm sure he couldn't give two ****s about me at this time. We went away on a field trip before he left her, which ended up being more like a holiday, and it makes me sick to my stomach imagining them doing the things we were doing, though I doubt everything is hunky dory, and I guess his wife would be thinking the same thoughts about us when we went away. I'm doing everything I can to keep myself here and sane, but I have such a low opinion of myself at present that I don't feel like I'm worth saving.

 

I don't know what to do to stem the tide of pain. I'm trying my best. Everything is such a mess, and I don't know where to go from here or how to put everything back together; I built my future dreams – dreams I thought we shared – around him, and now they are dust.

 

Thanks again for all your insightful and thoughtful comments, and no, I don't need to be blamed or made to feel worse than I already do – if you were inside my head, you'd know that it is a mental torture chamber, and so if you want to know whether or not the evil OW suffers and takes responsibility: yes, she does.

 

Oh sweetie of course you are worth saving. No one is worth feeling that way over. I am both an xMOW and BS and both sides of the fence were equally as painful. Take good care of yourself and please do not let this MM or his BS make you feel less than. The BS is reacting in extreme pain. I know you are in extreme pain as well. I think that most WS's are spineless as they usually just want their cake and eat it too.

 

When I was a BS I attempted suicide because I thought I was not worth saving after my H's A. I know now that is not true. You are worth it, you will get your mojo back

[Susmay]

Wow. You need to BACK OFF.

 

Here is what the OP asked for in her first post: " Do you have any advice on how to heal or cope with this pain? I can't get rid of that ache in my chest. Am I doing the right thing by maintaining NC? I guess I just need some moral support/words of wisdom."

 

Where in that did you decide that she needed morality advice about affairs?

 

Where in any of her posts did you come to the conclusion that she "feels entitled to upset another woman's life"?

 

It seems to me that if she "inserted herself into another woman's marriage", as you put it, that she was invited there and encouraged to be there by this woman's A**HAT of a husband.

 

And yes, she has the "right" to complain about anything she wants, here on the OW/OM forum.

...

 

.

 

 

As I can see how much pain she's in I will now "back off".

 

 

However it is totally unfair of you to tell me to back off, and then ask me a whole pile of questions which would mean a major thread jack if I were to answer them...

 

 

I will however say in response to the OP's first post that my view is that maintaining NC is the right thing to do, in my opinion.

 

 

Hope Shimmers I usually admire your posts and think you give really good advice. Perhaps this stems from your own very painful experiences or just from who you are. If you really want an answer to your questions that you asked of me, then PM me. For me to answer them on this thread would likely mean I express more negative views of the OP and I'm sure you didn't intend to entrap me in that... or did you?