Recycled thoughts again and again

[guest569]

Breakup 1.5 yrs ago

months of kidding myself that we could work it out, failing NC

4 months NC

8 months NC

2 months NC so far

Each split by very brief exchanges that achieved nothing. Last night i was so tempted to reach out, just the same things going through my head that I have already spoken to him about. I dont understand any of it. He doesn't have the answers, he just makes me feel worse. More confused. I should have walked away as soon as he dumped me without a single word. We may have even got back together if i didnt go mental and clingy, showing him what a loser i am.

 

I stil have the same thoughts and feelings i had soon after the breakup. It makes me sick to think it was my fault he left, because of my personality. I didnt even get a chance. I am unloveable, he and subsequent men cannot fall in love with me. I keep reliving the breakup and remember every talk word for word. I think i was reasonably happy before him, I should be able to get back to that. He is the one with issues, not me. I was happy with the relationship, I was happy and in love with him. HE was the one who kept his doubts secret and dt communicate or be truthful with me. He was insecure,he was unhappy but put on a mask. but convinced himself he was too good and could do better. I have had several promotions since and am studying again getting top grades. My life is well and truly in order and I have a lot to be happy about. I am fierce and independent, kind and honest.

 

But my heart is in thousands of pieces and i feel so rejected and such a loser. I still have these moments where I feel so fragile , broken, miserable, suicidal.

 

I dont want professional or medical help. I dont like side effects,i just want to get better on my own but maybe it is something i cant control.

Edited June 14, 2015 by smiley1

[guest569]

I'm such a pathetic idiot for letting this breakup have such a huge negative effect on me. I'm not sure whether its my hormones or a personality issue, or if i am just a very sensitive person. But these intense crazy emotions are not normal.

 

Whatever the cause, I need to work on my self esteem. I think thats a huge part of it, I am so critical of myself and such a perfectionist, which is not a bad thing, because i achieve a lot..but I hate myself and really need approval from others.

 

I have many good reasons to be confident in myself and my abilities and proud of my achievements . I will harness that. I still need to form some good, decent, close, lifelong friendships. I just cant find any people who get me, who i enjoy spending time with. I tried meetup but it wasn't very active and didnt work well for me. I dont know what else to do but nearly all of my current friends were useless in times of need. They're more like acquaintances anyway. I've always been a but odd, a loner, not keen on people and company. But I want to experience life and be social, I want to be loved and have lots of friends to care for and be cared for.

 

I dont know how to get out of my head. It even turns into meltdowns and physical outbursts. I'm having trouble with foods, have since the breakup. I've seen what eating disorders do and wont go down that path.

Edited June 15, 2015 by smiley1

[jen1447]

It sounds like you're suffering the effects of isolation, smiley. You really do need to get out once in a while and interact with other ppl, even if it's just these non-close friends.

 

Also, do you exercise? Usually people who have the issues you do can benefit from simply walking a mile or two every day. The exercise helps you to think and process and it's healthy for your body, which sets the table for a healthy mind.

[guest569]

Hey Jen, thanks for your advice. I love walking and usually try to get out every day but lately had been feeling to down to leave the house. I have been out walking most days this week but am even concerned about people seeing me. Because of my self esteem problems i am scared to interact with anyone. I just want to hide away.

[chili-sij]

Hi Smiley, it sounds like you're having a rough time. I kind of know what you're going through. I've recently come through a break up and I understand your feelings of rejection and low self esteem. It's hard not to hate yourself or blame yourself when relationships don't work out, even if you know it's not your fault. Wanting to hide away is an understandable natural reaction but it's the opposite of what you should be doing right now. Go out, find a class and meet people. Take it in small steps and just go to one, see how it goes. You've already mentioned why you shouldn't feel bad about yourself, all the things you've achieved so go back to that list and look at it and every time you feel bad, think about something on that list and focus on it. Other people will see more of the good things in you than you do yourself.

 

If you're unsociable and find interacting with people difficult, you probably come across as someone who isn't interested in making friends. That's why your acquaintances aren't close to you. If you start to let yourself go a bit more and bring down the shutters, they'll see the real you and you'll start to make good friends. I know this because I'm exactly the same but as soon as I started to let people in, I made amazing friends who are very supportive and accepting of who I am. You need to start trusting people and you will find that your confidence and mood improves as a result.

 

I know you said you don't want professional help but sometimes talking to someone impartial can really help.

[Itspointless]

I have had several promotions since and am studying again getting top grades. My life is well and truly in order and I have a lot to be happy about. I am fierce and independent, kind and honest. [...] I dont want professional or medical help. I dont like side effects,i just want to get better on my own but maybe it is something i cant control.

Whatever the cause, I need to work on my self esteem. I think thats a huge part of it, I am so critical of myself and such a perfectionist, which is not a bad thing, because i achieve a lot..but I hate myself and really need approval from others.

You know what being a perfectionist means? A perfectionist wants to be in control. That precisely is my guess why you do not want professional help. Breaking NC also does not bring you in control.

 

Being fierce and independent is something that is treasured in western societies, especially in the USA. But being fierce and independent is not always a good thing, it is what my ex made her push me away. She could not accept people (friends, family, me) standing beside her in difficult times.

 

I bet you also have been very critical at yourself since the beginning having these emotions? Next to what the others said I think it is also important for you to learn to surrender and be kind and compassionate to yourself during such processes. Your solution will not be controlling but letting go.

 

Be kind to yourself.

[guest569]

Thanks for the advice all. My ex did say some pretty nasty things before dumping me which I started to believe and it hurts that he thinks that of me.

 

I did go through a phase where I went out and joined classes and went to gym and swimming all the time etc. but I think i have gone backwards. If i force myself to go out i just get grumpy and am so relieved to be alone again, but then I get lonely and I feel really lost when i isolate myself from society. I think that if i had some friends i would feel a bit more confident because I would see at least not EVERYONE has rejected me. I'll keep trying..