or how to deal with husband who always tries to make you jealous

[vernix]

We're newly wed couple. But it will be our 2nd yr this coming September. We live in Japan, which according to my husband, the land of "where the most beautiful girls are". I love Japan, and would love to stay in this country.

 

However, there's no time that when we go out for dinner, he would always seat right where he can see these Japanese girls and I will be left viewing the the wall in a restaurant. He loves doing it.

 

Sometimes, if there's a group of Japanese girls flocking a corner, he would literally stop walking and pretend to check his phone but it would like he just want to be surrounded by them like he wants to hit on someone.

 

All of which he would right in front of me.

 

I don't know if he just adores Japanese women so bad or if he's trying to make me jealous.

 

I'm aware of his likings with Japanese girls, but sometimes he would do it too much that I would feel freaking ugly and that our entire date is spent with him looking at them. He's completely distracted and I couldn't even talk to him eye to eye. We couldn't even have a nice conversation.

 

Yesterday, this happened again. We ate at TGIF, and our table right next to a group of Japanese girls. Again, he seated right where his eyes could easily look at them, and then he said "****. Girls"

 

I was like, "OK?" Right in my face.

 

To me, I know this was going to happened. Which is why I dressed up nicely that night but again, he just made my night bad. All of a sudden, I felt ugly and that I couldn't even get my husband talk to me because he was completely distracted.

 

My husband is blatantly hurting my feeling but I don't want to show it.

 

I don't feel like we're a couple every time we go out. I would feel devastated. He doesn't hold my hands. We don't walk together too. and he would act like he's single around these girls.

 

I'm hurt by this, my feelings are completely crushed and disrespected by him every time he does all these things. Most of all, I would feel insecure and my self Esteem are greatly affected, to the point that I don't think I'm not entirely jealous at all. But I feel disrespected as his wife.

 

Im not asking for his complete attention, but I just want to respect me and for once, I wanted him to be proud of me as his wife or Treat me as his wife. And show that I'm his pretty wife at some point.

 

PS.

We talked about this before but he only said that he can't help himself and he's just too attracted with Japanese girls.

 

I feel that this is some sort of emotional abuse. I would cry every time when I think of it and I just want to go back to United States just to for us to get rid of his distractions.

 

At times, I feel like I don't even want to be with this kind of man who will treat my feeling like this for the rest of my life and thinking of D while it's still early.

 

What would do if you were in my position? Guys are also welcome to comment on this.

 

I'm literally shaking while I type this. Also, our sex life isn't that great. Like once a month although I wanted it so often would give him a blow, he just sometimes doesn't have an erection He lost his erection 3x during our sex as well. Is my husband completely not attracted to me at all now?

 

Only serious answers please.

[La.Primavera]

I would never marry a man who behaved like this. It sounds absolutely horrible for you!

 

Even if he started acting this way after you were married I still wouldn't tolerate it. I would leave him.

 

He has no respect for your feelings at all. His behaviour is deliberately cruel and hurtful. No spouse should be so disrespectful.

 

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a guy like this?

[Babs22]

Vernix, I am so sorry you are going through this. If you have only been married two years and it is like this, I can't see it getting any better without some serious therapy for him. He is absolutely being rude and disrespectful to you, his wife. How old is he because he is behaving in a very immature manner. Besides his behavior,there is a major red flag regarding your sex life. Again, I dont know how old he is, but to be married two years and only doing it once a month is worrisomeme. It's not likely to increase in frequency, but most likely will decrease. Has it always been this infrequent? Has he always had trouble keeping an erection? It sounds like he's either having a medical problem like low T or he doesn't like sex with woman. I am so sorry he is hurting your self-esteem but you could be drop dead gorgeous and he sounds like he wouldn't notice. He is very self absorbed and self-centered.

 

If I were you, I'd cut your losses and go home. Leave him there to ponder his behaviors. Do you really want a husband who is disrespectful, uncaring, selfish and can't have sex? I'm not sure an endless amount of therapy could help all those things. The worst part is his behaviors are destroying your self esteem. Do what you need to do for you to be happy.

[berniev]

Things aren't going to get better. This is probably going to be the best you get. You can't change a person's personality.

 

Cut your loss and go. Don't be like me waiting for 20 years and still don't know what to do.

 

By the way Japanese girls aren't hot or sexy. No tits no ass. Not sure what is good.

Edited June 14, 2015 by berniev

[vernix]

Thank you for the reply. I always ponder if I can be with this guy for the rest of my life, and I couldn't even stomach the idea.

 

We met online has been long distance for 4 year and only have started living together right after the wedding. It was quite devastating to know that he's been that way ever since. If I only know that he's like, I would've call off the marriage.

 

Everyday of my life is miserable. It's not just that, he would always yell at me because of small things.

 

I would never marry a man who behaved like this. It sounds absolutely horrible for you!

 

Even if he started acting this way after you were married I still wouldn't tolerate it. I would leave him.

 

He has no respect for your feelings at all. His behaviour is deliberately cruel and hurtful. No spouse should be so disrespectful.

 

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a guy like this?

 

 

Thank you very much for your reply. We have the same age, I'm turning 28 this year and he's 28. Our sex life has only been active when we started living together, perhaps during the first 2 months. After that, I would be lucky if will have it 2 a month. But it's really seldom, and when we do, he'll lose his erection.

 

One time, I even wondered what's causing this. I took action that maybe, he's been seeing someone which is why our sex life is very dry. I know it is wrong to check his FB account, but then, I found out that he's been chatting to his friend (which is a girl) and has been telling her how pretty, sexy, and fun Japanese girl is. Although this girl he's been chatting with completely disagrees with him, still, I found out that he really likes to talk about how he adores Japanese girls to other people.

 

When I read the rest of the chat, I was completely destroyed and told myself that why the hell did I marry such man. From there, I figured that I wasn't that attractive because "I'm not Japanese" which is why he's been losing his erection, or sometimes doesn't erect at all.

 

Vernix, I am so sorry you are going through this. If you have only been married two years and it is like this, I can't see it getting any better without some serious therapy for him. He is absolutely being rude and disrespectful to you, his wife. How old is he because he is behaving in a very immature manner. Besides his behavior,there is a major red flag regarding your sex life. Again, I dont know how old he is, but to be married two years and only doing it once a month is worrisomeme. It's not likely to increase in frequency, but most likely will decrease. Has it always been this infrequent? Has he always had trouble keeping an erection? It sounds like he's either having a medical problem like low T or he doesn't like sex with woman. I am so sorry he is hurting your self-esteem but you could be drop dead gorgeous and he sounds like he wouldn't notice. He is very self absorbed and self-centered.

 

If I were you, I'd cut your losses and go home. Leave him there to ponder his behaviors. Do you really want a husband who is disrespectful, uncaring, selfish and can't have sex? I'm not sure an endless amount of therapy could help all those things. The worst part is his behaviors are destroying your self esteem. Do what you need to do for you to be happy.

 

 

Thank you! I still have hope for him although you're right it, changing someone is impossible.

 

Things aren't going to get better. This is probably going to be the best you get. You can't change a person's personality.

 

Cut your loss and go. Don't be like me waiting for 20 years and still don't know what to do.

 

By the way Japanese girls aren't hot or sexy. No tits no ass. Not sure what is good.

 

For now, I'm trying to calm down and wait for another date night and see if he still would act the same way. I will update you guys.

[TaraMaiden2]

For now, I'm trying to calm down and wait for another date night and see if he still would act the same way. I will update you guys.

 

 

Well, I'm sorry, but all you are doing is waiting for the next situation that will hurt you.

he hasn't chnaged, at all, not for the better.

In fact, he has got worse, and will get further and further into this situation.

 

Look, From the expressions you use, you don't sound as if English is your firt language, although you say you want to return to the USA...

 

You need to contact your family and ask them to help you get a plane ticket out of there, and go home.

 

He will never support you or make you feel the way you deserve.

So you need to focus on yourself, and plan a strategy that will leave him there, alone and isolated.

 

I know the problems involved in planning a practical solution seem overwhelming, but your alternative is to remain in a dead-end marriage, with a man who clearly has no considerations for your feelings at all.

 

Which country do you actually both originate from?

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Divorce him so he'll be free to marry a Japanese woman. He's an immature douche, don't waste your time with him.

[mandymor]

The first thing I would do is stop going out in public with him. If he's going to act like that then forget it. This doesn't sound like a very good situation to be in. Like others have already said, I would cut your losses and get out of that marriage.

[vernix]

You are correct. He's an American and I'm a Filipino, but is a resident of US. But most probably, I would just go back home in the Philippines.

 

Well, I'm sorry, but all you are doing is waiting for the next situation that will hurt you.

he hasn't chnaged, at all, not for the better.

In fact, he has got worse, and will get further and further into this situation.

 

Look, From the expressions you use, you don't sound as if English is your firt language, although you say you want to return to the USA...

 

You need to contact your family and ask them to help you get a plane ticket out of there, and go home.

 

He will never support you or make you feel the way you deserve.

So you need to focus on yourself, and plan a strategy that will leave him there, alone and isolated.

 

I know the problems involved in planning a practical solution seem overwhelming, but your alternative is to remain in a dead-end marriage, with a man who clearly has no considerations for your feelings at all.

 

Which country do you actually both originate from?

 

UPDATE:

Thanks everyone for your time. Tonight, I left him a letter on his bed writing my feelings and would be staying in a hostel to clear my mind and for him to realized what he's done.

 

I'll update you guys again. This forum is wonderful.

[TaraMaiden2]

OK: I'm sorry, I'm going to sound harsh here, so please forgive me...

 

This guy was never interested in you as a person.

He was interested in you as a particular 'look'.

 

You're from the Philippines and there is a high incidence of Western men getting together with, and marrying Philippino wives, because of a reputation and impression that Philippino wives are compliant, servile and accommodating.

 

In some cases, Philippino women have sought relationships with Western men, because of the comfort, security and comparable wealth. It has been to their financial and environmental advantage, and they have exploited it.

 

You clearly do not fall into that category. You obviously developed a relationship with this man, beguiled and enamoured of him in the genuine sense.

He misled you.

He lied to you about his motivation.

And now, in an environment where Asian/Japanese women are bountiful and frequent company, he has switched his attentions from you, to them.

he has tired of you.

he doesn't care about you and is setting his sights higher, because culturally, Japanese women are very different to Philippino women.

They may be more sophisticated, more cultured, more.... '21st Century'...

 

You need to file for divorce, in the USA, for irreconcilable differences, and unreasonable behaviour.

Divorce him according to American law pertinent to your State of habitation.

 

THEN - go home.

[Fugu]

Taramaiden's got the same impression as mine: you got married but that's the only connection you've ever had, and the only one you'll ever have. A marriage on paper - that's it.

 

Don't be afraid to start over. People make mistakes when they marry or get into relationships - sometimes colossal ones. People recover, too.

 

There's no way he's changing, though. Any person who'd disrespect his partner that way isn't motivated to change. He seems like a deeply insecure person. Maybe he married you just so he could remind himself that he's married in case he strikes out with whoever it is he's chasing.

 

Anyway, you know what to do by now. Divorce will be complicated since you're in an international marriage and both living overseas in a foreign country. Maybe find a way to check on your own (secretly) about getting an American divorce lawyer.

[Lois_Griffin]

For now, I'm trying to calm down and wait for another date night and see if he still would act the same way. I will update you guys.

Wow. This guy has been a disrespectful piece of sh*t for years.

 

I hope you go back home to your country and find someone who actually respects you.

[Babs22]

You are correct. He's an American and I'm a Filipino, but is a resident of US. But most probably, I would just go back home in the Philippines.

 

 

 

UPDATE:

Thanks everyone for your time. Tonight, I left him a letter on his bed writing my feelings and would be staying in a hostel to clear my mind and for him to realized what he's done.

 

I'll update you guys again. This forum is wonderful.

 

Vernix, I am glad you are seriously thinking of leaving him. Hearing how you guys met on the Internet and didn't really know each other until you got married, it makes sense that only two years later things are this bad. It was a marriage of convenience only. I agree that he was looking for a certain type of person, you were Asian and fit the type. Now he is living in Japan and behaving like a kid in a candy store because he is surrounded by Japanese woman. He does not love you or respect you. My hope is that when he reads your letter, he is releived and also wants a divorce. I hope he does not come to find you and talk you back into staying with him by telling you he will change. Even if he could treat you with respect, the sex thing is not going to change.

 

I am sorry this happened to you. At least the marriage has only been two years, although the Internet relationship was another 4, you weren't really with him during that time. You can move on from this and find a real relationship with a real man. I'm sure you have figured out that the Internet is not the best way to meet and really know a person. Really knowing a person involves actually being with that person for a longer period of time. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You deserve to be in a happy, respectful and passionate relationship.

 

Do what you need to do to get divorced. If that means going back to the U.S. to get divorced do that as soon as possible. You need to get your life back on track. We all have made mistakes. We live and learn and move on.

[sandylee1]

You've received good advice and I'm glad you've gone to the hostel.

 

Your husband doesn't respect you at all. I don't know why he didn't marry a Japanese woman if he's that attracted to them .

 

 

He won't change so don't tolerate his nonsense . Get divorced and find a better husband.

 

Don't have kids with this man , you don't want to be tied to him forever.

[lantern]

This is so sad. I think if he really loved u, he would make u feel appreciated, loved and would compliment u, not some girls he doesn't even know. My ex used to comment on every girl he found attractive (actresses, his friends' GFs and so on), but never complimented me. You really need to end this relationship.