Cheated on my sort-of boyfriend

[somechick]

I've been seeing this guy for a couple months now. We agreed we are exclusive but did not actually put a label on anything yet. We're more than friends with benefits but not anything serious.

 

While he seems perfect on paper, there's been some red flags he might be playing me (I can type them all out if it makes a difference but I'm trying to keep it short). One of those red flags is blowing me off on Friday night when we had plans to hang out...several Fridays in a row. Very last minute as well. We also barely see each other at all during the week.

 

Well, he did this to me last night so I said screw it and went to a concert a few friends were also attending. I had zero intentions of meeting any other guys while there. However I'm bisexual and ended up hitting it off really well with one of the chicks there....I don't know exactly how it happened but next thing I know I ended up having a threesome with her and her boyfriend.

 

He didn't actually penetrate me, but I've still technically betrayed my arrangement with the dude I'm seeing. Oddly enough I feel good about my decision and had one of the best nights ever. But I don't know if it's even worth telling him? I find it strange I don't feel guilty since usually I would.

 

If he hadn't been blowing me off or we were actually bf/gf there's no way this would have happened. (Not that it excuses my actions). I'm not sure which route to take:

 

-Say nothing since he's possibly playing me anyway and we're not in a relationship

-tell him the truth, that I felt he's not serious about me and did this as a result and see how he reacts

-break it off

-tell him that until I see more effort or we get more serious we are no longer exclusive

 

Thoughts?

[TaraMaiden2]

Break it off.

 

There seems little point in agreeing to be 'exclusive' if there's no willingness on either side to really work at keeping this on an even keel.

 

 

Call him (please don't do this by text - that is so 'cowardly'!) and tell him this isn't working for you.

There's no effort, no closeness, no intimacy no commitment and frankly, you think you both probably have interests elsewhere.

Thanks but no thanks, have a great life.

 

Believe me, he won't be shocked, disappointed or heartbroken.

I think he will be ok with it, and even relieved.

Because I bet he's been thinking the same, but has done nothing about it.

[Darren Steez]

You make plans and he keeps blowing you off? I'd say heck with it and give him his marching papers, plus the fact you've noticed all the other red flags means you probably know it's doomed anyway.

 

Unless he's blowing you off to volunteer at a homeless shelter, next time he calls for "benefits" tell him no. He'll probably stop calling after that anyway.

[jen1447]

I like either 3 or 4. There really is no obligation at this stage, and he's already shown you you're not a priority. No reason to make him one.

 

btw cheating with a girl is just as 'bad' as cheating with a guy.

[No Limit]

Who was it who came up with the idea of being exclusive? If it was him, I have little doubt he's seeing other girls but wants them all to be exclusive for him.

[smackie9]

The reality is you are unsatisfied with the relationship you have with him, and the way he doesn't treat you the way you want to be treated. Simply put your expectations are not being fulfilled.

 

Your actions are loud and clear, this relationship no longer suits your needs or never really did.

 

 

 

If it were me I would tell him what happened and break it off. There is no point in trying to put a band aid on it when it's going to fall off later. You felt no guilt, so that would mean he means nothing to you. Finding something more fulfilling would be your best move.

[davidromero43]

I can tell you from experience how he is going to feel. Just before Cindy and got married she told me a very similar tale. Many months earlier she had asked if we were BF/GF and I said I don’t know. She said just don’t be with anyone else and I agreed. So that day she had sex with another man. She said it was because she was hurt we were not BF/GF. She said she thought she was getting played. She said it made her feel better and she didn’t have remorse. She said the exact words “I was getting blown off”. She said she only did it because of how I made her feel, and she never would have done it if I didn’t make her feel that way. Anyway, she had all the excuses you have here. I was crushed inside. I still think about it every day. To her it was nothing, because it wasn’t really cheating. To me it was a devastating event I will never forget. So the choice is yours. If you don’t feel like it is cheating, then don’t tell him. If you do feel like it is cheating, tell him and let him go.

[deadelvis]

tell the truth. always tell the truth.

[minime13]

I've been seeing this guy for a couple months now. We agreed we are exclusive but did not actually put a label on anything yet. We're more than friends with benefits but not anything serious.

 

While he seems perfect on paper, there's been some red flags he might be playing me (I can type them all out if it makes a difference but I'm trying to keep it short). One of those red flags is blowing me off on Friday night when we had plans to hang out...several Fridays in a row. Very last minute as well. We also barely see each other at all during the week.

 

Well, he did this to me last night so I said screw it and went to a concert a few friends were also attending. I had zero intentions of meeting any other guys while there. However I'm bisexual and ended up hitting it off really well with one of the chicks there....I don't know exactly how it happened but next thing I know I ended up having a threesome with her and her boyfriend.

 

He didn't actually penetrate me, but I've still technically betrayed my arrangement with the dude I'm seeing. Oddly enough I feel good about my decision and had one of the best nights ever. But I don't know if it's even worth telling him? I find it strange I don't feel guilty since usually I would.

 

If he hadn't been blowing me off or we were actually bf/gf there's no way this would have happened. (Not that it excuses my actions). I'm not sure which route to take:

 

-Say nothing since he's possibly playing me anyway and we're not in a relationship

-tell him the truth, that I felt he's not serious about me and did this as a result and see how he reacts

-break it off

-tell him that until I see more effort or we get more serious we are no longer exclusive

 

Thoughts?

 

Well, two wrongs don't make a right. Blowing you off when you've had plans should have created a conversation, not an excuse to cheat.

 

Since you've cheated, you really have no right to be so critical of his errors. When you post all of the bad things that he's done, it seems like you're trying to fit an excuse to your actions. It may have been a catalyst, but there is no excuse for sinking to the same level. You both screwed up, and the best thing to do is just to end it.

 

If you feel this is something you still want to pursue (which it doesn't sound like it with your post), then let him know what you did, and why. Then let the cards fall where they may.

[health]

Break it off, set him free. It's scary that you have no guilt over this. You obviously don't respect his feelings. Do your thing and all the best.

[Chi townD]

To be honest, I don't have a clue where you're going with these options you're about to propose to him. So, lets break it down and get some clarity.

 

 

 

-Say nothing since he's possibly playing me anyway and we're not in a relationship

 

 

You don't actually know if he's playing you or not. You have no proof, so speculation on your part. Probably what you're telling yourself to stop making you feel guilty about sleeping with two other people. "Well, if he's going to do it, so am I!" But, you don't know if he has.

 

 

-tell him the truth, that I felt he's not serious about me and did this as a result and see how he reacts

 

 

Right, make your choices entirely his fault. This is blameshifting. Sure, he wasn't boyfriend (or whatever) of the year, but he didn't deserve to get cheated on. YOU made a choice, he had nothing to do with that. You decided to cheat. He didn't MAKE you do anything.

 

 

And to see how he reacts? What if he reacts poorly? What if he's gutted? What if he's devastated? Will it give you some sick satisfaction to see the pain in his eyes? Will you feel vindicated? Will you feel satisfied? Was this a case of revenge sex for you?

 

 

-break it off

 

 

Your first option to him said that you weren't together. So, what's there to break off? This is where you REALLY got me confused. Are you together or not?

 

 

-tell him that until I see more effort or we get more serious we are no longer exclusive

 

 

Wow! Bravo! Blameshifting AND an ultimatum! I'd love to see how that conversation would go! "Hey I just got done f*cking in a threesome and it was your fault and I don't feel a bit guilty about it. It was fun and the sex was incredible. Now, until you start showing me an effort, I'm going to continue to screw anyone I want. Ball's in your court."

 

 

Yeah, that would make me want to buy you a dozen roses and book a romantic trip for two to the Bahamas!

 

 

 

 

You know what? Just walk away. You're not serious about this guy. You don't care if the truth would hurt him or not because you've already convinced yourself that your actions were his fault. Just stop playing games and walk away. Shouldn't be too hard for you because it doesn't seem like you've invested too much into him already. This is too toxic.

 

 

Just walk away.

[Spectre]

The OP just confuses me. In her opening sentences she says they agreed to be exclusive, but then says they didn't put a label on anything. Even though agreeing to be exclusive is putting a label on it. So I don't know what to say to that.

 

I think you just want excuses to cheat. You say you agreed to be exclusive, but then you call him your "sort of boyfriend" and cheat on him when he blows you off. You cheated, so tell him. If you have a problem with him apparently blowing you off, make it known, but make sure you make it clear you know that was no excuse.

 

All in all, you don't seem to be a good fit. You agree to be exclusive but then in your mind that isn't a label, and then when you think you are blown off you go cheat. Tell the guy you cheated and break up. Why waste time with someone you clearly do not respect? You aren't trustworthy, what happens when you guys have a fight? Every couple fights, so what will you do then? I guess it is moot now anyways due to your actions.

[smackie9]

OP probably told him, dumped him and has moved on.......scolding is counter productive.

[Redhead14]

I've been seeing this guy for a couple months now. We agreed we are exclusive but did not actually put a label on anything yet. We're more than friends with benefits but not anything serious.

 

While he seems perfect on paper, there's been some red flags he might be playing me (I can type them all out if it makes a difference but I'm trying to keep it short). One of those red flags is blowing me off on Friday night when we had plans to hang out...several Fridays in a row. Very last minute as well. We also barely see each other at all during the week.

 

Well, he did this to me last night so I said screw it and went to a concert a few friends were also attending. I had zero intentions of meeting any other guys while there. However I'm bisexual and ended up hitting it off really well with one of the chicks there....I don't know exactly how it happened but next thing I know I ended up having a threesome with her and her boyfriend.

 

He didn't actually penetrate me, but I've still technically betrayed my arrangement with the dude I'm seeing. Oddly enough I feel good about my decision and had one of the best nights ever. But I don't know if it's even worth telling him? I find it strange I don't feel guilty since usually I would.

 

If he hadn't been blowing me off or we were actually bf/gf there's no way this would have happened. (Not that it excuses my actions). I'm not sure which route to take:

 

-Say nothing since he's possibly playing me anyway and we're not in a relationship

-tell him the truth, that I felt he's not serious about me and did this as a result and see how he reacts

-break it off

-tell him that until I see more effort or we get more serious we are no longer exclusive

 

Thoughts?

 

One of those red flags is blowing me off on Friday night when we had plans to hang out...several Fridays in a row. Very last minute as well. We also barely see each other at all during the week. -- That isn't one of those flags, it is THE flag. Once, eh, ok, but several and at last minute.

 

You tell him you're moving on. No details, just that it's not working for you.

 

And, were you clear about what exclusivity means to each other. Some people feel that exclusivity is the point at which you've become intimate and the period for further evaluation of relationship potential before declaring boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

Some people view exclusivity as being intimate only with that person will still dating others without intimacy.

 

Nevertheless, the simple fact that he was not respecting the value of your time and the "value" of a Friday night and cancelling at the last minute alone says move on PERIOD.

[Spectre]

OP probably told him, dumped him and has moved on.......scolding is counter productive.

 

No, I'm going to say my piece either way,. and if the OP doesn't see it oh well, no harm no foul. Most people read the original post and then respond, without reading every single reply, so yes stuff gets repeated, it's the nature of the board.

 

Also please don't say "OP probably told him". You have no way of knowing what happened. This girl was all over the place in her post..so to suggest you know what happened is strange.

Edited June 23, 2015 by Spectre

[smackie9]

OK more than likely the OP dumped him and moved on because there is nothing left to discuss here. The opening post pretty much sums it up the OP was happier having fun with sexual encounters than being in a relationship....she just wanted to tell us about it.....she already made up her mind.

[Spectre]

Yes hopefully she did the right thing and broke up with the guy so he could find someone who won't cheat on him and who knows what words like "exclusive" mean.