What were his intentions?

[throwaway_account]

My ex and I were dating for 6 years when he broke up with me 4.5 months ago. We both were our firsts (besides kissing and some other stuff for me) and the first long-term relationship. The breakup appeared out of the blue and he gave me many different reasons for the cause.

 

We were renting together, I/our families had him move out two and a half months ago. I have only interacted with him a few times since then and have been trying to move on.

 

There were issues of him picking up his personal items (he kept leaving stuff behind) and he finally got everything except a bicycle. The bicycle belonged to his mother and she was letting me borrow it (when he and I were together). But she did want it back finally. I tried to get him to take it twice and he wouldn't each time (I always thought he's probably being lazy &/or has no room for it).

 

Well flash to these past few weeks. He texted me a few weeks ago asking when he could pick up the bike and when I'd be free so he could come see the pets (we shared them, he left and I kept them). I had finals and told him he could come, but not long because I was studying. Well he didn't say anything all weekend, then asked about this weekend. I told him today at a certain time. Today was my graduation, so a lot of my family is in town. He arrived punctual (very unusual for him). The interaction was quite strange.

 

I had been having lunch with my family and some were home packing to leave when the rest of us got there. When I got home my ex was in the house talking to my family that was packing. I go in, I tell him I need to get the bike out of the garage. He comes to help and starts saying he can't fit the bike in his car. I get irritated and tell him this has happened too much and he just needs to take it; he does (shocker, it fit ). My family all leaves and it's just us. He congratulates me, tells me I look good and proceeds to ask info about my life. I'm very guarded and answer in as few words and vaguely as possible. It gets uncomfortable/quiet. I tell him I'm gonna head into another room to work on some stuff, he can stay and spend time with the animals. Pets follow me. I try to get them back to where he is, he says it's ok with a sad tone in his voice. He comes into the room and says he's sorry for the way everything turned out. He tells me he had a video game addiction and ignored me because of it (he often did ignore me). He tells me he's gonna go and asks for a hug goodbye and I give him a very weak hug; he is obviously unhappy about it.

 

 

My question is: What intentions do you think he had here?

In interactions months ago he had said he wanted us to date again eventually. But he has also expressed his desire for our friendship. I understand no one can read his mind, but any thoughts would be helpful.

 

Thank you!!

[trippi1432]

Well, stepping outside of trying to read his mind, as no...no one can, it sounds as if he is unsure of what he wants. I've come to the conclusion that when a couple breaks up, both hate breaking the connection or don't want to break that connection, so things get drawn out.

 

As a lesson learned in my life, there is nothing you can do about someone who has no idea what they really want. It would probably help to know the "reasons" he gave to understand if your ex is totally commitment phobic or is just lost in what he wants in life...or how to obtain what he wants in life.

 

A lot of people will advise you can't be friends with an ex, not when there are still feelings involved, and I agree to that based on my very own recent events. It doesn't help you to move forward if someone still has tabs on your emotions, feelings or your heart. If you aren't careful, you can become as emotionally bankrupt.

 

Six years is a very long history, I'm assuming you are both very young still (<35), but again, what were his "reasons" and how does that relate to his admission of a video game addiction? If he is a mature man, he will realize he is the only one that had the power to control that; otherwise, he was simply throwing out an appeasement....a simple "forgive me" but nothing will change upon your acceptance.

[TaraMaiden2]

Frankly, I think the hug was a mistake.

 

I would have just said,

 

"No. I don't think so.

This was your idea.

Not my choice. It's obviously what you wanted, so a hug is not appropriate.

You have the bike.

Just go."

 

His confusion is not your problem.

[throwaway_account]

The reasons for the breakup included:

 

• Not knowing who he was as an individual
  
• Not wanting to "worry" about me or our shared pets concerning plans
  
• We don't mesh well
  
• Feeling like he was walking on eggshells with me (he has Asperger's, I am direct about my feelings; he sees any sort of disagreement or upfront attitude as conflict/fights)
  
• He stopped loving me (romantically - but insisted he still cared and would always love me).
  
• He doesn't think he wants to marry me...but doesn't know if he wants marriage (this was from his mom - he denied it).
  
• Others that I can't quite remember
  

 

 

Might I add, 1 week after our breakup, he "accidentally" texted me saying he hooked up with a girl. I called him extremely angry and told him to move all his crap out ASAP. He only spoke twice saying "I didn't mean to send that to you". He never apologized for this hurtful message.

 

 

 

I feel like the video game addiction thing is a cop-out. I don't feel like he was genuinely taking responsibility for what he did, but instead blaming it on something that's perceived as somewhat "out of his control".

 

 

He is a very stubborn and careful man, and I wonder if he was trying to reconcile, but because I was so closed off it made him think there was zero possibility.

 

 

I'm feeling a whole range of emotions and am very confused right now.

[TaraMaiden2]

The reasons for the breakup included:

 

• Not knowing who he was as an individual
  
• Not wanting to "worry" about me or our shared pets concerning plans
  
• We don't mesh well
  
• Feeling like he was walking on eggshells with me (he has Asperger's, I am direct about my feelings; he sees any sort of disagreement or upfront attitude as conflict/fights)
  
• He stopped loving me (romantically - but insisted he still cared and would always love me).
  
• He doesn't think he wants to marry me...but doesn't know if he wants marriage (this was from his mom - he denied it).
  
• Others that I can't quite remember
  

 

Forgive me for saying so, these are not 'reasons'. They're 'excuses'.

The fact is, and the fact remains, he wasn't happy where he was, and felt separation would resolve his unhappiness.

 

Might I add, 1 week after our breakup, he "accidentally" texted me saying he hooked up with a girl. I called him extremely angry and told him to move all his crap out ASAP. He only spoke twice saying "I didn't mean to send that to you". He never apologized for this hurtful message.

As he has Aspergers, this isn't surprising. He has blurred boundaries; it's not something he feels he needs to apologise for, because he assumes you understand it was a mistake.

 

 

I feel like the video game addiction thing is a cop-out. I don't feel like he was genuinely taking responsibility for what he did, but instead blaming it on something that's perceived as somewhat "out of his control".

Actually, I can see where you're coming from, but I can see his admission is valid too. Like I said, people with Asperger's have either blurred or limited boundaries. There are certain aspects of normal emotions they cannot grasp or understand (your comment above, about his Asperger's and his inability to cope with your emotional reactions, tells you that). The fact that he admits this behaviour was a stumbling block means he has processed an aspect of his behaviour which he now sees and admits was detrimental to the situation...

 

 

He is a very stubborn and careful man, and I wonder if he was trying to reconcile, but because I was so closed off it made him think there was zero possibility.

I think, perhaps he was making an effort to empathise and understand you, and in turn try to explain and make you understand... People with Asperger's don't always communicate very well...

 

 

I'm feeling a whole range of emotions and am very confused right now.

That's understandable, but let's be open and honest here: His Asperger's was an aspect of him you found it difficult to cope with and process. There were certain traits he demonstrated which you couldn't accept, and he could neither explain, nor prevent.

It's healthier to try to calm your emotions and accept instead, that you were incompatible.

 

And the fact that he asked for a hug, is actually pretty impressive, for someone with Asperger's....(something I didn't know, when I posted my previous comment...)

[throwaway_account]

A big thank you to the both of you for responding.

 

For whatever reason, I never fully grasped how much his Asperger's played a role in the issues in our relationship (emotional immaturity, denial maybe?). He didn't like to discuss it or acknowledge it. When I'd bring it up he would shut down the conversation, I feel like I never really got the chance to go there with him. During and after the breakup I looked more heavily into Asperger's and learned a lot about it. The more I learn, the more I feel the break up was for best. He couldn't meet my needs, and I couldn't meet his.

 

I guess letting go of your first serious relationship can be very difficult and confusing, which is why I've been so mixed up.

 

Thanks again.

[TaraMaiden2]

Many people (including sufferers themselves, sometimes) consider Asperger's to be an illness, or a mental flaw.

 

It's a condition.

A tricky one, because it appears on different levels and with varying intensity, but nevertheless a person with Asperger's has to consciously mould themselves to conform with what society expects of fellow human beings.

 

I know a guy with Asperger's who voluntarily went to Nepal to help in the aftermath of the earthquake.

He deliberately put himself into a highly-charged emotional situation not only to help, but to learn what people go through in extreme cases of devastation.

Initially, he felt nothing.

It was all just confusion, and rubble, and looking for both live and dead people.

Big deal, so what?

 

Over time he fashioned a more socially-acceptable attitude to what had happened, and one day, found himself crying uncontrollably, because that mental barrier had been demolished in his mind-set.

But he had had to work on it.

He knew it was there; he just had to knock a hole in it, himself.

 

The danger (his therapist told him ) was that now, any situation provoking some form of empathetic reaction, would leave him in tears and inconsolable - even if it was the neighbour's hamster, dying.

He now had to find a way of apportioning his emotions appropriately.... which was yet another task he had to accomplish.

 

The reason your ex would shut down conversations about his own condition (I am guessing) is because it was being perceived as a problem; a flaw, a deficiency, something wrong with him HE had to control, govern, channel, modify, correct and improve. If things weren't going well, it was because of him and his condition. That's a big thing for someone to face, if they find it difficult to process emotions to begin with.

 

And it's just not that easy.

 

Sometimes, finding a problem isn't the end of it.

Sometimes, finding the problem is the very beginning. And THEN, the hard work has to be implemented.

 

Don't for goodness' sake now start beating yourself up over this.

It is just the way things went; nobody is to blame.

It just didn't work out, because it just didn't work out.

 

Be well. Take care.