My husband's indifference about life is getting to me...

[domino01]

I am worried that I will make a big mistake in my life if I leave. I've made many mistakes in my life before. I can heal my own heart but I cannot fix wounds that I inflict on others. I really don't know what to do. I have gone to counseling on my own before (not about my marriage though) so I know how to be proactive and all that good stuff. My husband will not go to counseling with me. I have spoken to him about how I feel about maybe twice a year.

 

When I get to the point of frustration and tears, I let him know how I feel and that I have had thoughts that maybe we are better off without each other or at least maybe I am because he is happy and fine with everything. Maybe I am letting our two pets keep us together because I know that if I leave they will have no where to go because he won't keep them. How bizarre is that? Pretty bizarre, right? I know...I know.

 

My husband is content with his life. He enjoys going to work and coming home and sitting on the couch watching tv or playing playstation. He just wants to relax after a long day of work. I totally understand. It's every day though like a broken record. He does the same thing every day. He does not mind at all doing it on the weekend either. He does go out though because I ask him to go out with me. I tell him that I love spending time with him because I do but I would prefer to do it outside of the house. It kind of sucks going out with him though because he's so monotone about life. He's not one way or another...there is no extreme in either direction with him. If I show any enthusiasm about anything, it's met with an "oh cool" look. So, I tell myself to go out without him and hang with my girlfriends who are also married (a few single here and there) and I have such a great time that sometimes I don't want to go back home.

When I do come back home and tell him about my day or night, he just listens and acknowledges so that I know he is listening. My husband is such a great listener and I greatly appreciate it when I need to vent but I never get feedback...on anything...not his great day or when I talk about my great day. I can talk about something very interesting I read in the newspaper and he says "mmhmm". I should love that he never has any complaints about me or that we never fight because in my past relationships there were quarrels here and there or we would complain to each other about each other. Not this relationship/marriage. I feel that everything is on me. It's so much pressure. I say this to him...I let him know how I feel and his response is that he doesn't mind a lot. He doesn't care either way and that nothing bothers him. He's fine or okay with almost everything. It's true. He rarely stresses about anything. Sometimes I want to light him on fire just to get a reaction from him. The sex is "good" because it's about once a week or once every two weeks because I need it. I can't say that I want it though and that makes me feel like a horrible person. Sometimes I don't care if it makes me a horrible person because he doesn't meet my other needs. Is marriage supposed to be this way? It's only been two years and we are in our late 20's.

I think I should suck it up because he will do things for me that other men won't do for their wives. He puts my thoughts and feelings before his own but f**k I wish I he would do something for himself for once! I wish he would put his foot down and tell me no. Or leave me at home alone on the weekends so he can go out with friends. I should feel lucky that my husband doesn't go out on the weekends with the boys, right? He doesn't have friends that he hangs out with. It's just him and his couch and me. Sometimes I get into a slump and feel lifeless if I stay at home and be around him too much. I know that grass is not greener on the other side but how much longer do I need to keep watering my yard and trying to put life into it for some results??! I have wondered if I settled because I married the "nice guy" but I think that I do not want any other guy. I just would love my guy to have more personality. Sometimes I do fear that I will be out in town one day and I will meet some witty guy or one that it very passionate in life about some sort of hobby and I'll be swept away...

[CarrieT]

I knew when I started reading your story that you two were in your late 20s.

 

In short, one's frontal cortex does not fully attach until - about - the 28th year and it is THEN that we "gel" into who we are and what we want.

 

It also explains why relationships and marriages that start in the early 20s often don't survive because everything we want for ourselves, how we see ourselves, and who we want to be in the next 30 or 40 years changes about the 28th year.

 

That is where you are now. You want and need different things than you did when you were the person who attracted the man you married. I was there. Many of us were there. And you can either be honest with your husband that you don't see spending your life this way and move on, or be honest with your husband and work to find something you two can build a future with together. If you do not have a common goal and direction, the relationship will fall apart on its own. As you said, some guy will enter your life and you will be immediately swayed.

[Mr Carson]

I knew when I started reading your story that you two were in your late 20s.

 

In short, one's frontal cortex does not fully attach until - about - the 28th year and it is THEN that we "gel" into who we are and what we want.

It also explains why relationships and marriages that start in the early 20s often don't survive because everything we want for ourselves, how we see ourselves, and who we want to be in the next 30 or 40 years changes about the 28th year.

 

That is where you are now. You want and need different things than you did when you were the person who attracted the man you married. I was there. Many of us were there. And you can either be honest with your husband that you don't see spending your life this way and move on, or be honest with your husband and work to find something you two can build a future with together. If you do not have a common goal and direction, the relationship will fall apart on its own. As you said, some guy will enter your life and you will be immediately swayed.

 

 

This is interesting I've never heard this before, it does make me think? I remember going through a time probably around that age, where I kind of felt life was a major rut, work sleep repeat. He needs a challenge maybe a new job, ask what he really wants out of life at this time. Tell him you want to sell everything and travel the world see what his reaction is?

[TaraMaiden2]

I can't believe I'm "hearing" myself say this, but I am almost of a mind to recommend you have an affair.

 

That's just mad, coming from me, but I figure this man is absolutely everything you feel you need in a guy, except he's a tortoise and you're the hare....

 

I have, however, stated on this forum that fidelity to just one person, for the remainder of your life, is in and of itself, an insane concept.

 

I liken it to having a really scrummy favourite dish (mine would be Sushi) and being told that you have to eat that, and only that, to the exclusion of absolutely everything and anything else, breakfast, lunch dinner AND snacks in-between, with no variation at all, for 25...? 30, maybe even 50 years.

 

A very good friend of mine has embarked on an affair.

She has let this guy know right up-front, she has no intention whatsoever of making their trysts a habit, she has absolutely no intention at all of leaving her husband, because she loves him, and has absolutely no intention of entering into a relationship with him (lover) or anyone else.

 

This is pure sex and variety. She calls the shots and decided when, where and if they meet.

This guy wants the same. He is in complete agreement with her on all counts.

Both have successful careers, and full lives.

Neither one can, or will, hold the other to ransom, or get overly serious.

 

Very good arrangement, if you can find it....

 

I personally admire her for doing it.

But frankly, it's not something I personally could do, because I am married to a man who, were he to discover I was doing something of that kind, would be utterly destroyed.

He sees fidelity as a top priority in a marriage, and whatever faults he may have, cheating is certainly not one he would ever be guilty of.

And I respect that.

If you can't keep your promises, don't make them in the first place.

 

So there you have it.

 

What exactly do you want?

(We understand what your gripe/complaint is... that's acknowledged....)

 

But what exactly would you like to do about it....?

 

You cannot for the life of you, make him change, and neither can you ask, nor expect him to.

So what would it take to make you happy, and maintain an equilibrium?

[loveboid]

Listen, there are guys out there playing games into their forties. I've met them. I myself enjoyed gaming for awhile but put it away. I found me a guy who doesn't game either--he did in his youth.

 

For you...do you want to wait around for this guy to possibly find a different priority? Do you want to date a gamer for the next 20 years?

[TaraMaiden2]

she's not dating, she's married.

And nowhere in her post does she say he's a gamer....

 

ETA: Yes, she says he's on a PlayStation, but that's not his exclusive activity, and she states he does things for her other guys don't do...

That to me is not a sign of a gamer.

A Gamer will never move; he's an addict. Everything else - job, eating, chores, even personal hygiene - fade away into total insignificance.

This guy isn't a gamer.

he's a rut.

Edited June 15, 2015 by TaraMaiden2

[loveboid]

Well I think marriage is one long first date. Call me a romantic.

 

Let's call it what it is. This guy is boring. He doesn't seem to have interests therefore is uninteresting.

 

You cannot have a life with a couch potato. Picture this OP...in a few years he has to get surgery on his hemorrhoids because he's been sitting on his butt too long. That's what happened to a guy I know.

[Keenly]

she's not dating, she's married.

And nowhere in her post does she say he's a gamer....

 

ETA: Yes, she says he's on a PlayStation, but that's not his exclusive activity, and she states he does things for her other guys don't do...

That to me is not a sign of a gamer.

A Gamer will never move; he's an addict. Everything else - job, eating, chores, even personal hygiene - fade away into total insignificance.

This guy isn't a gamer.

he's a rut.

 

Your definition of gamer is rather insulting.

 

Cool, you don't like my hobby, but to declare that we are lazy and don't take care of ourselves in wrong wrong wrong.

[TaraMaiden2]

It happened to my ex... he was an IT specialist analyst and engineer and spent every single day for 10 years - in front of a computer screen, on a chair.

I can confirm the above...

 

Nothing more romantic than haemorroids....

[TaraMaiden2]

Your definition of gamer is rather insulting.

 

Cool, you don't like my hobby, but to declare that we are lazy and don't take care of ourselves in wrong wrong wrong.

 

 

You missed the most important part:

 

Yes, she says he's on a PlayStation, but that's not his exclusive activity, and she states he does things for her other guys don't do...

That to me is not a sign of a gamer.

Are you a gaming addict?

Probably not.

Then don't take my words as insulting because they obviously weren't aimed at you.

[Keenly]

Take notes and learn from this example Men.

 

 

Woman marries man.

 

Woman decides she doesn't approve of man's lifestyle.

 

Woman starts pressuring man to change into what she wants.

 

 

Woman gets mad when he won't change who he is for her.

[TaraMaiden2]

Take notes and learn from this example Men.

 

 

Woman marries man.

 

Woman decides she doesn't approve of man's lifestyle.

 

Woman starts pressuring man to change into what she wants.

 

 

Woman gets mad when he won't change who he is for her.

 

So because I pointed out your error, and you can't really have a go at me, you start having a go at the OP?

 

You really don't like strong women very much, do you?

 

Don't bother responding, I think I'll just ignore you from now on.

 

That should make us both happy.

[Keenly]

You missed the most important part:

 

 

Are you a gaming addict?

Probably not.

Then don't take my words as insulting because they obviously weren't aimed at you.

 

Gaming addict was not said. Gamer was. Words matter.

 

 

This whole.situation is ridiculous. Like she some how didn't know his lifestyle before she married him, which I find hard.to believe.

 

If you aren't a gamer, and can't handle some one with a passion for games and gaming, don't marry one.

 

And certainly don't try to change some one to fit into the box you want them to be in.

 

The guy is happy. Content. Satisfied. That means OP is the one with the issue, and she has two choices. Love your husband for who he is, or leave to find some one you think is better.

[Keenly]

So because I pointed out your error, and you can't really have a go at me, you start having a go at the OP?

 

You really don't like strong women very much, do you?

 

Don't bother responding, I think I'll just ignore you from now on.

 

That should make us both happy.

 

I love me a strong woman. I hate people that try to change others, and I hate when people label a huge demographic based on nonsense.

 

 

There is nothing wrong with what this guy is doin, and being a gamer doesn't mean you're unable to take care of yourself, which is what was claimed.

Those are my.points.

 

 

If You're a strong woman, why is your first instinct to ignore the person who calls you out when you imply that my passion makes me unable to take care of myself.

 

 

Hey OP, did this man suddenly become this way, or has he always been like this?

Edited June 15, 2015 by Keenly

[Mr Carson]

 

I have spoken to him about how I feel about maybe twice a year.

 

When I get to the point of frustration and tears, I let him know how I feel and that I have had thoughts that maybe we are better off without each other or at least maybe I am because he is happy and fine with everything.

 

 

 

 

 

I have to stick up for him at least with the info I have at this time. You love him, you married him, something has changed in him I'm guessing. Maybe life is such a rut he's just giving up. Yes he MUST change but you've somehow got to get to the bottom of whats going on.

 

I used to give my wife a ''what ever you want'' or ''I don't care'' she finally got so mad at me she would not except that as an answer.

 

What is his response when you tell him, maybe you'd be happier without him?

[elaine567]

I have wondered if I settled because I married the "nice guy" but I think that I do not want any other guy. I just would love my guy to have more personality. Sometimes I do fear that I will be out in town one day and I will meet some witty guy or one that it very passionate in life about some sort of hobby and I'll be swept away...

 

Was he like this when you met him or has he morphed into this?

[Keenly]

Was he like this when you met him or has he morphed into this?

 

The million dollar question, as it determines the entire necessary outcome.

 

 

If before, the two of them were active and social, and he overnight changed, it's 100% on him for selfishly changing the dynamic of the marriage with no concern for how it would affect her.

 

 

But, if he was always like this, and now she has decided that she wants something else other than the man she married, then she made a mistake by marrying him and she needs to let him go, as asking him to change who he is as a person is wrong.

[TaraMaiden2]

..... something has changed in him I'm guessing. Maybe life is such a rut he's just giving up. Yes he MUST change but you've somehow got to get to the bottom of whats going on.

.....

What is his response when you tell him, maybe you'd be happier without him?

 

Was he like this when you met him or has he morphed into this?

 

It seems, if I'm reading the OP's post correctly, that her H has always been a laid-back, relaxed contented-to-do-nothing individual... she seems to have known this, but perhaps did not expect it to have quite the effect or impact it has had on her.

She "settled for Mr Nice Guy" and still only wants him, but it may be that he has become more and more laid-back over time, so that now he's almost catatonic and horizontal...

I am worried that I will make a big mistake in my life if I leave. I've made many mistakes in my life before. I can heal my own heart but I cannot fix wounds that I inflict on others. I really don't know what to do. ... My husband will not go to counseling with me. I have spoken to him about how I feel about maybe twice a year.

 

When I get to the point of frustration and tears, I let him know how I feel and that I have had thoughts that maybe we are better off without each other or at least maybe I am because he is happy and fine with everything. ...I let him know how I feel and his response is that he doesn't mind a lot. He doesn't care either way and that nothing bothers him. He's fine or okay with almost everything. ......Sometimes I don't care if it makes me a horrible person because he doesn't meet my other needs. Is marriage supposed to be this way? It's only been two years and we are in our late 20's.

I think I should suck it up because he will do things for me that other men won't do for their wives. He puts my thoughts and feelings before his own .....

 

I know that grass is not greener on the other side but how much longer do I need to keep watering my yard and trying to put life into it for some results??! I have wondered if I settled because I married the "nice guy" but I think that I do not want any other guy. I just would love my guy to have more personality. Sometimes I do fear that I will be out in town one day and I will meet some witty guy or one that it very passionate in life about some sort of hobby and I'll be swept away...

[Mr Carson]

It seems, if I'm reading the OP's post correctly, that her H has always been a laid-back, relaxed contented-to-do-nothing individual... she seems to have known this, but perhaps did not expect it to have quite the effect or impact it has had on her.

She "settled for Mr Nice Guy" and still only wants him, but it may be that he has become more and more laid-back over time, so that now he's almost catatonic and horizontal...

 

 

If this really is the case then I see dark clouds and tough choices ahead.

[Keenly]

If this really is the case then I see dark clouds and tough choices ahead.

 

A tragedy indeed for all parties involved.

 

He might be content with life, but I bet he'd miss her a lot when she's gone.

[TaraMaiden2]

If this really is the case then I see dark clouds and tough choices ahead.

I think the OP does too... her first lines are a dead give-away.

She's not in an enviable position.

 

If we're all honest, there may well be aspects and traits within our spouses that although originally, didn't seem too problematic, over time have built into something we now find irritating, tiresome or downright aggravating....

 

This is a bit of a life-changer though, eh....?

[domino01]

 

In short, one's frontal cortex does not fully attach until - about - the 28th year and it is THEN that we "gel" into who we are and what we want.

 

Well this is very interesting... I think that my goals are about the same right now. I just want to finish college. It's been going on for what seems like forever...

 

He needs a challenge maybe a new job, ask what he really wants out of life at this time. Tell him you want to sell everything and travel the world see what his reaction is?

 

He is in the military. That is how we met. We worked opposite shifts of each other so we did not spend much downtime together while I was in. I did know that he liked to spend a lot of time at home while he was not at work. He would either play games, work on his car, or go places...that I know of. We worked 12 hour shifts at the time so him not going out and partying made sense to me. We would just have the weekends together so it was always new and interesting between us. I did bring up traveling the world and he brought up money. We don't have a lot but we have enough to travel so I took that as his way of saying that he didn't want to go. He didn't look interested either. Later, I told him that a girlfriend and I were thinking of visiting another country and his eyes got big and that is when he said he was actually interested in going. I've thought about leaving him alone for a month and going back home to visit family. He has never lived alone to do just whatever he wants. Whatever it is that guys do when their woman is not around. He has always been in a relationship. I just hope the cats are still alive when I came back.

 

I can't believe I'm "hearing" myself say this, but I am almost of a mind to recommend you have an affair.

 

I have thought of this... So that I can at least have someone to converse with about interesting topics. I am very attracted to knowledgeable people and to people who show interest in living their life...not just going through the days, years, and decades. I love my husband too much though and I cannot inflict that kind of pain on him. I have thought that it would be so much easier to have an affair if he is an ******* or mistreats me but he does not. I prefer not to ruin a good guy. I had mentioned an open marriage once...that didn't really fly either. I don't think that I have asked him to change...is asking him to go out and breathe some fresh air every once in awhile trying to change him? I used to go out a lot on the weekends with friends and be out until 4 or 5 in the morning. He didn't ask me to stop but I knew that he didn't like it and I knew that I had to stop acting like a single person (we were dating) so I stopped going out like that. If anything I think I kind of changed for him...so that we could move forward in life together. I need the sleep anyway.

 

I don't really consider him a gamer. I have had friends that stay up for days playing games. Not showering or moving from their spot and getting smelly. He's not like that. I just don't understand seeing the people you work with all day and then coming home to play with them online. I'm really nice about it (I think) - I tell him he's mine in two hours and then the tv has to go off, but then I feel like a mother.

 

Well I think marriage is one long first date. Call me a romantic.

 

Let's call it what it is. This guy is boring. He doesn't seem to have interests therefore is uninteresting.

 

You cannot have a life with a couch potato. Picture this OP...in a few years he has to get surgery on his hemorrhoids because he's been sitting on his butt too long. That's what happened to a guy I know.

 

:lmao: Everyone just looked at me dying over here. I'm gonna tell him that next time he complains that his butt hurts from sitting too long.

 

Take notes and learn from this example Men.

 

Woman marries man.

 

Woman decides she doesn't approve of man's lifestyle.

 

Woman starts pressuring man to change into what she wants.

 

Woman gets mad when he won't change who he is for her.

 

I wouldn't say that I am mad and I don't want him to change. His habits could change though. It's easy for him to put weight on and he loves junk food, but I never ask him to change his lifestyle for me. I just tell him that he might be on cholesterol pills later on down the road. I waited a while to get married because I knew what I wanted and it was not to have an abusive and narcissistic man in my life. My husband hasn't always been this way. He used to draw a lot on sketch pads or build stuff out of wood. We didn't have a PlayStation for a while. Should I take his games away and tell him to go outside and play?

 

I have to stick up for him at least with the info I have at this time. You love him, you married him, something has changed in him I'm guessing. Maybe life is such a rut he's just giving up. Yes he MUST change but you've somehow got to get to the bottom of whats going on.

 

I used to give my wife a ''what ever you want'' or ''I don't care'' she finally got so mad at me she would not except that as an answer.

 

What is his response when you tell him, maybe you'd be happier without him?

 

Maybe something has changed...he works with different people now. Aah...he works at a desk now so he sits around all day. Maybe that's what it is. Life is dull at work. He used to come home and fix things around the house or work on his car to let off some steam but now he just comes home and sits after sitting all day at work. I shouldn't take a "whatever you want" or "I don't care" either.

 

So I need to take my life back instead of trying to be so...50/50? Thank you everyone.

I'm going to try some things differently without throwing out the PlayStation

[Keenly]

Well this is very interesting... I think that my goals are about the same right now. I just want to finish college. It's been going on for what seems like forever...

 

 

 

He is in the military. That is how we met. We worked opposite shifts of each other so we did not spend much downtime together while I was in. I did know that he liked to spend a lot of time at home while he was not at work. He would either play games, work on his car, or go places...that I know of. We worked 12 hour shifts at the time so him not going out and partying made sense to me. We would just have the weekends together so it was always new and interesting between us. I did bring up traveling the world and he brought up money. We don't have a lot but we have enough to travel so I took that as his way of saying that he didn't want to go. He didn't look interested either. Later, I told him that a girlfriend and I were thinking of visiting another country and his eyes got big and that is when he said he was actually interested in going. I've thought about leaving him alone for a month and going back home to visit family. He has never lived alone to do just whatever he wants. Whatever it is that guys do when their woman is not around. He has always been in a relationship. I just hope the cats are still alive when I came back.

 

 

 

I have thought of this... So that I can at least have someone to converse with about interesting topics. I am very attracted to knowledgeable people and to people who show interest in living their life...not just going through the days, years, and decades. I love my husband too much though and I cannot inflict that kind of pain on him. I have thought that it would be so much easier to have an affair if he is an ******* or mistreats me but he does not. I prefer not to ruin a good guy. I had mentioned an open marriage once...that didn't really fly either. I don't think that I have asked him to change...is asking him to go out and breathe some fresh air every once in awhile trying to change him? I used to go out a lot on the weekends with friends and be out until 4 or 5 in the morning. He didn't ask me to stop but I knew that he didn't like it and I knew that I had to stop acting like a single person (we were dating) so I stopped going out like that. If anything I think I kind of changed for him...so that we could move forward in life together. I need the sleep anyway.

 

I don't really consider him a gamer. I have had friends that stay up for days playing games. Not showering or moving from their spot and getting smelly. He's not like that. I just don't understand seeing the people you work with all day and then coming home to play with them online. I'm really nice about it (I think) - I tell him he's mine in two hours and then the tv has to go off, but then I feel like a mother.

 

 

 

:lmao: Everyone just looked at me dying over here. I'm gonna tell him that next time he complains that his butt hurts from sitting too long.

 

 

 

I wouldn't say that I am mad and I don't want him to change. His habits could change though. It's easy for him to put weight on and he loves junk food, but I never ask him to change his lifestyle for me. I just tell him that he might be on cholesterol pills later on down the road. I waited a while to get married because I knew what I wanted and it was not to have an abusive and narcissistic man in my life. My husband hasn't always been this way. He used to draw a lot on sketch pads or build stuff out of wood. We didn't have a PlayStation for a while. Should I take his games away and tell him to go outside and play?

 

 

 

Maybe something has changed...he works with different people now. Aah...he works at a desk now so he sits around all day. Maybe that's what it is. Life is dull at work. He used to come home and fix things around the house or work on his car to let off some steam but now he just comes home and sits after sitting all day at work. I shouldn't take a "whatever you want" or "I don't care" either.

 

So I need to take my life back instead of trying to be so...50/50? Thank you everyone.

I'm going to try some things differently without throwing out the PlayStation

 

I know you are kidding, but throwing out the playstation would be a terrible terrible idea.

 

There is a potential way to turn this into a good thing.

 

It would work both ways, so for the corresponding half of my suggestion, you need to think of some new type of hobby that you BOTH could enjoy doing. Think of an activity and ease him into it, OR you could just pick up the damn controller and join him. I bet he'd like that.

 

 

Go buy a second controller and a copy of Portal 2.

[domino01]

I know you are kidding, but throwing out the playstation would be a terrible terrible idea.

 

There is a potential way to turn this into a good thing.

 

It would work both ways, so for the corresponding half of my suggestion, you need to think of some new type of hobby that you BOTH could enjoy doing. Think of an activity and ease him into it, OR you could just pick up the damn controller and join him. I bet he'd like that.

 

 

Go buy a second controller and a copy of Portal 2.

Hmm...that's a good idea! I didn't think of trying to play with him. Hopefully he won't mind if I try. I did try Halo once when it first came out and the guys kicked me off.

[Keenly]

Hmm...that's a good idea! I didn't think of trying to play with him. Hopefully he won't mind if I try. I did try Halo once when it first came out and the guys kicked me off.

 

You need a game thats easy for the novice to pick up.

 

 

Portal is a shooter but its more of a puzzle game.

 

 

In Co-Op, players are forced to work together using communication and problem solving to beat each level.

 

 

 

(or just do some quick googling for another game, try the gaming thread on this forum)