broke no contact - need to vent

[sadpanda3]

so the title says it all - I broke no contact. After a month. Really stupid. Now feeling really really low. It makes me sick how happy he seems. He even acts like he's a "good guy" and wants to be friends and hang out, because who wouldn't wish to keep him in their life? We talked for a while and it was basically all good, till we broached the topic of new romantic interests. He always makes me feel bad for not already having a new boyfriend, droping comments like "it's weird you don't have anybody yet" or "you should **** around a bit it would do you good" (He left me for somebody else so I don't really get why he needs to rub it in). That last comment totally made me snap. Made me remember all the reasons I went NC in the first place. He just brings all the worst out in me.

 

We were together for about a year. The break up really got to me, couldn't eat or sleep for days. After that it started getting better and pretty soon I even felt a sense of relief. I would never take him back. However I'm having a hard time letting go of the resentment.

 

In short, my ex was very jealous and insecure (wonder why I put up with that). It started about a three months into our relationship. He would ask me the whole time if I still loved him, if I was interested in someone else, if I ever cheated on him, would demand more attention and reassurance that he was great and I had eyes for nobody else. I would have to calm him down when he had panik attacks or nightmares during the night (if I ever had a problem he would just tell me "you scare me"). At the same time he wanted to have his independence and be able to go out and drink- something he would not allow me to do. I wasn't allowed to see male friends, going to dance lessons, going out...so pretty soon I snapped and we started having really bad fights. In his own words he would try to "posess me and push me into submission". (Something he has done with all his ex girlfriends only to discard them once he "got" them). After a while I started acting weird myself, feeling extremely jealous, not trusting him and yelling at him...sometimes for insignificant details. I started being full of resentment against him. After he dumped me it naturally got worse.

 

Now I feel like I am a worse person than before I met him. I used to be really self confident and happy. It doesn't really help that I have exams and not a lot of time to distract myself. I lost self-confidence. I doubt myself. I want to be over it but it just doesn't work. I feel like he drained me of all my energy and wonder what the hell was I thinking?? 0.0 He's not even good looking haha. And especially why did I put up with that? I always thought I respected myself enough to walk away. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the crazy one and it's only in my head that he was acting like a jerk. I wonder if a new relationship will be just the same and if, how to avoid it.

 

Any comment, advice, input would be greatly appreciated

[d0nnivain]

Your next relationship won't be like this one because the new guy will be different. You just need to act like your old self, the happy confident person.

 

 

As for feeling worse after talking to him, assume some part of him was doing the fake it 'til you make it thing & acting like everything was fabulous for your benefit Take his comment about you not having a BF yet as a backhanded compliment: he was trying to say that you are so desirable he was surprised you don't have a line at your door.

[aloneinaz]

Understand that when you contacted him, the chip he had on his shoulder from dumping you became a log. You massively stroked his ego and he got cocky w/you and made it seem like his life is fabulous.

 

From what you described from the relationship, it wasn't great anyway. Just vanish from his life, ignore him if he tries to mess w/your head and find someone that will appreciate what they have in you.