norudder Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 My exap was friends with a female coworker. She was single and would occasionally chat with him about some of her boyfriends, talk about nutrition/fitness stuff, etc. Every other week or so. I forget how it came about but she showed him a picture on her phone of her breasts. She also sent him flowers once for his birthday, not signing her name but with a clue word it was her. He claimed to not know it was her but saved the dried petals. They were yellow which is meant for friendship but am I out of line to think this was more than friendship? Clearly he and I bother had boundary issues since we were in an affair but taken without that context, would most of you have really seen nothing wrong with this kind of interaction as being 'friends' and thought your wife/gf insecure to be jealous or do you see it as crossing the line? How do most of you define your relationship boundaries if at all? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 They were yellow which is meant for friendship but am I out of line to think this was more than friendship? Unless customary in their culture for a man to send female friends flowers, IMO more than friendship. Would most of you have really seen nothing wrong with this kind of interaction as being 'friends' and thought your wife/gf insecure to be jealous or do you see it as crossing the line? My exW would have been incensed by such behaviors and IMO rightfully so. However, that is predicated upon our cultural customs and our agreement. Another marriage may be completely different. How do most of you define your relationship boundaries if at all? My boundary is, if a behavior I perform with anyone, relevant to interpersonal relationships with women, is or would be disapproved of by my spouse if performed in front of her, then it is, at minimum, inappropriate. Sure, she and I can discuss the boundaries and even disagree on them and work through that, but the appropriateness of action remains. If it is fluid as a result of time and marital agreement changing, that's OK. Link to post Share on other sites
Author norudder Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 Unless customary in their culture for a man to send female friends flowers, IMO more than friendship. My exW would have been incensed by such behaviors and IMO rightfully so. However, that is predicated upon our cultural customs and our agreement. Another marriage may be completely different. My boundary is, if a behavior I perform with anyone, relevant to interpersonal relationships with women, is or would be disapproved of by my spouse if performed in front of her, then it is, at minimum, inappropriate. Sure, she and I can discuss the boundaries and even disagree on them and work through that, but the appropriateness of action remains. If it is fluid as a result of time and marital agreement changing, that's OK. The only reason to not act would be avoid disapproval? I had opportunities to cross lines with other male friends in other ways but didn't because I couldn't, even if I had approval because I FELT loyalty. Are most men not that way? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Cart and horse.... disapproval impels inappropriate. Since we cannot read minds, communication (disapproval) must necessarily precede understanding (inappropriate). Everyone's perceptions and boundaries are individual. There are no universal truths. One woman could be completely accepting of the sample man's behaviors. Another may not. In that relationship, it's the meeting of the minds that's relevant. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 He was the unfaithful type. Of course he had a few other women lined up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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