triangulation

[norudder]

Did any of you feel triangulation in your A with MM and another woman other than his wife?

[KissofGrace]

Did any of you feel triangulation in your A with MM and another woman other than his wife?

 

sorry, not i. i'm sure someone here has tho...give it a few days, they'll see the post.

[Sassy Girl]

Nope. We rarely spoke about spouses and it was never disparaging. When it was our time it was about us.

 

People who use triangulation are toxic and manipulative. It's a tool to drag people into their dysfunction. Comparing an AP with a spouse is classic triangulation. "I love you more than her", "you do x better than her", "I wish I could be with you instead of her" "I wish I was married to you instead" ...etc.

 

The triangulator also require and active and willing participant - usually the blindly believing AP who feeds on his words like they nuggets of awesomeness and they aren't even aware they are bein played by a broken and often personality disordered person. The low self esteem of the AP allows the words to have weight and believe them because the validation feels so good.

 

Your best response to someone trying to manipulate this way is to suggest they talk to the person they're not happy with, rather than listen to the complaints which are often inflated and rarely objective. Your best response should be "well this is something you should probably discuss with your wife, not me"

 

Sadly, most are in denial about It even happening and relish the window they have into someone else's relationship and package it up as "best friends" or "soul mates" when really it's just voyeurism.

 

My advice? If you are experiencing it, it's toxic and you need to get out because they are not a balanced individual.

 

Eta - misread the question and see it's another woman, not a spouse. Advice still stands but now id also like to add he's making you aware that you are replaceable of you don't play the game right.

 

Run, don't walk.

Edited June 15, 2015 by Sassy Girl

[SolG]

Triangulation is often misunderstood. Dyadic relationships are inherently unstable and triangulation often occurs to defuse anxiety/stress between two parties. Sometimes the triangulation relationship is with another; an OM/OW, a parent, a best friend, or classically with children (most commonly the child-centric mother), and in some cases a counsellor. Triangulation also occurs with things such as hobbies or sport or career.

 

Really simply put, triangualtion is likely where low levels of differentiation (identification of self as an individual outside of the dyad) exist as a means/attempt to escape and separate. Or to dominate. Or any number of other things. The form and expression varies widely dependant upon the dynamic of the dyad and context.

 

I would actually say it's the rare dyadic relationship that never experiences triangulation in some shape or form.

[norudder]

Nope. We rarely spoke about spouses and it was never disparaging. When it was our time it was about us.

 

People who use triangulation are toxic and manipulative. It's a tool to drag people into their dysfunction. Comparing an AP with a spouse is classic triangulation. "I love you more than her", "you do x better than her", "I wish I could be with you instead of her" "I wish I was married to you instead" ...etc.

 

The triangulator also require and active and willing participant - usually the blindly believing AP who feeds on his words like they nuggets of awesomeness and they aren't even aware they are bein played by a broken and often personality disordered person. The low self esteem of the AP allows the words to have weight and believe them because the validation feels so good.

 

Your best response to someone trying to manipulate this way is to suggest they talk to the person they're not happy with, rather than listen to the complaints which are often inflated and rarely objective. Your best response should be "well this is something you should probably discuss with your wife, not me"

 

Sadly, most are in denial about It even happening and relish the window they have into someone else's relationship and package it up as "best friends" or "soul mates" when really it's just voyeurism.

 

My advice? If you are experiencing it, it's toxic and you need to get out because they are not a balanced individual.

 

Eta - misread the question and see it's another woman, not a spouse. Advice still stands but now id also like to add he's making you aware that you are replaceable of you don't play the game right.

 

Run, don't walk.

 

Good points. I was the willing participant for sure. Your comment on voyeurism was interesting and I realize now there was definitely some of that for me in knowing details of his M. Not sure what I got out of it. Nothing healthy.

 

The other woman was a flirty coworker. He and I would talk about a threesome fantasy but his real life interactions with her were line crossing IMO (even though we were already crossing the line w each other. Concept of affair fidelity is insane.) She showed him a picture of her breasts, would talk about boyfriends, she sent him flowers 'anonymously', he confided stuff about his M to her as well. I think he really believes they were just friends. He knew what we were doing was wrong but not that? I was such an idiot.

Edited June 15, 2015 by norudder

[norudder]

Triangulation is often misunderstood. Dyadic relationships are inherently unstable and triangulation often occurs to defuse anxiety/stress between two parties. Sometimes the triangulation relationship is with another; an OM/OW, a parent, a best friend, or classically with children (most commonly the child-centric mother), and in some cases a counsellor. Triangulation also occurs with things such as hobbies or sport or career.

 

Really simply put, triangualtion is likely where low levels of differentiation (identification of self as an individual outside of the dyad) exist as a means/attempt to escape and separate. Or to dominate. Or any number of other things. The form and expression varies widely dependant upon the dynamic of the dyad and context.

 

I would actually say it's the rare dyadic relationship that never experiences triangulation in some shape or form.

 

Thanks for offering a different perspective on what triangulation can mean compared to how its often referred to and understood in the A context. I've been learning more about the importance of differentiation in a successful relationship.