Babs22 Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Update- we are not going on the vacation and H is fine with it, doesn't even bring it up. But, he does want to go away just the two of us. I don't know how I feel about that, we have not slept in the same bed for about 8 months. When you are on vacation there is no where to escape to be alone. Misty12, You have said that you are having marital problems. Perhaps you should go on vacation together. It might help clarify if you guys have a chance or not. It seems like right now you are not sure if you should be married or not. By going on vacation with him, you might be able to discern if you two even have a chance. I mean, if you guys can't have feeling for each other on a romantic trip for just the two of you away from all the stressors in the world, it might help you realize there is no chance on this M working. If there is no chance in fixing it, then it seems like the sooner you get a divorce, the better for both of you. Glad you didn't have to take the trip with the whole family, you would have been even more upset and resentful by the time you got home. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Update- we are not going on the vacation and H is fine with it, doesn't even bring it up. How did that happen? Link to post Share on other sites
Author misty12 Posted July 3, 2015 Author Share Posted July 3, 2015 How did that happen? I told him I didn't want to go and he didn't argue. Right now he is trying so hard to get me to act like I love him again so he is trying to please me. For example he bought me an apple watch for my birthday. And I DO love him, I am just craving romantic feelings so badly and I can't feel it with him, it feels like he is a sibling and best friend. We are getting along so well and I can't stop crying everyday over the fact that I may have to choose between him and the opportunity to have a fullfilling sex life and romantic life. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 I don't know the whole situation or understand the dynamics of your marriage, but why couldn't your husband go without you? If it's his family and he wants to go but you don't, let him go without you. Precisely. It's certainly not mandated that every single member of a family must at all times go on every single trip. If your husband and the kids are dying to go, they can surely go enjoy themselves without you. If it won't be fun for you there is no sense IMO of going. For me, one of the worst feelings is being away from home, on what's supposed to be a "vacation" but it's mostly turmoil and stress and me having to do things on other people's time. All it does is make me cranky and annoyed. You not going doesn't prevent them from going so have them go without you and tell the family you're just not feeling up to it and want a mental health break alone at home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author misty12 Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 Precisely. It's certainly not mandated that every single member of a family must at all times go on every single trip. If your husband and the kids are dying to go, they can surely go enjoy themselves without you. If it won't be fun for you there is no sense IMO of going. For me, one of the worst feelings is being away from home, on what's supposed to be a "vacation" but it's mostly turmoil and stress and me having to do things on other people's time. All it does is make me cranky and annoyed. You not going doesn't prevent them from going so have them go without you and tell the family you're just not feeling up to it and want a mental health break alone at home. He said last night he might go and bring his friend with him, but his preference was to still go with me. I said even if I wanted to, how could I go now after he told the whole family we weren't going because I didn't want to go? He didn't understand why that would be a factor and why he should not have told his family this. He said they kept asking and begging and he didn't know what else to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Yeah we can all wear matching shirts, ride a duck, go on a haunted walking tour, stand in a crosswalk looking at a map, then bicker what chain establishment what to eat at when standing in line in a retail store. This is a wonderful way to spend time and money and get close to my husband / wife. Stick hot needles in my eyes. I married my wife, screw everyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Well today we were at the in laws for Father's Day, and they asked us again if we'd join them on the trip. Husband blurts out in front of everyone "well I'D go, but SHE doesn't want to go." Then I said something about money to try to save myself from looking like the a-hole and he says "It's not a money thing, we have plenty of money, she just doesn't want to go". Ugh... So then everyone looks at me including the niece and I feel like the evil sister in law. Yeah I've got money, cause don't blow it being a dumb ass tourist cause I live where I want to be. Sorry your HUSBAND ruined your graceful exits. Your finiances and reasons are personal and not up for committee debate. These in-laws sound pushy / toxic lacking any class or understood boundaries. I've Delt with the type before, seems they even stunted your husband from being a man that stands up for his and own. Disrespecting your spouse is the same as disrespecting yourself. Maybe his mom will give him sex after you divorce him...bloody idiots. Link to post Share on other sites
SSJROMANCE Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Vacations with friends and/or family members are over rated. Many times you just don't have a good time because of all the drama or there are just too many people to agree on doing certain things. I think your situation depends on how often you get to go on vacation because like you said it's expensive and who wants to use the one and only vacation of the year to go somewhere that's not going to feel like a vacation. I laugh at my in-laws because they invite themselves over to visit family members in Florida for up to 10 days at a time and all I hear when they come back are the complaints. I know better and stay two days at the most. Perhaps you can agree to stay with the group for a few days and then as a family do a "immediate family only" stay at some other resort. Your husband is being selfish. If you heavily feel the way you do he should respect that and not pressure you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Am i the only one that thinks you sound selfish and immature? Part of being married is respecting your spouse's family. Believe me, I think my H was surely switched at birth. His family is downright embarassing sometimes BUT they ARE his family and I have always respected that. If your H wants to go so bad, I think you could suck it up for a week to show you are contributing to trying to improve the marriage. It's a week at a resort, for goodness sake. If you tried to have a decent attitude you might actually enjoy some of it. I dont see what they have asked of you that is so insulting. A defiant niece? So what. We've all got someone in our family that annoys us. BUT, if you are going to have an attitude with everyone the whole week, DO NOT go. Nobody wants to deal with a whomp whomp girl bringing the whole group down. **admittedly, I have not read all of your threads... Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Am i the only one that thinks you sound selfish and immature? Part of being married is respecting your spouse's family. Believe me, I think my H was surely switched at birth. His family is downright embarassing sometimes BUT they ARE his family and I have always respected that. If your H wants to go so bad, I think you could suck it up for a week to show you are contributing to trying to improve the marriage. It's a week at a resort, for goodness sake. If you tried to have a decent attitude you might actually enjoy some of it. I dont see what they have asked of you that is so insulting. A defiant niece? So what. We've all got someone in our family that annoys us. BUT, if you are going to have an attitude with everyone the whole week, DO NOT go. Nobody wants to deal with a whomp whomp girl bringing the whole group down. **admittedly, I have not read all of your threads... Yea, you probably the only one. There are WAY more serious problems that the vacation with the family, which I'd be TOTALLY against. She is not selfish and immature, she is trying to deal with a very uncomfortable situation. And the focus on her and the hubby should be on mending their current problems, not a vacation with the family. I don't care how close the family is, if the vacation isn't going to be fun and relaxing, then there is NO reason to go. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author misty12 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 One of the other issues with us going on vacation together is sleeping arrangements. We have not slept in the same bed in 8 months. He would insist we sleep together and I would probably not be able to get much sleep because of the possibility of him touching me sexually. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 One of the other issues with us going on vacation together is sleeping arrangements. We have not slept in the same bed in 8 months. He would insist we sleep together and I would probably not be able to get much sleep because of the possibility of him touching me sexually. Misty, That would be a huge issue, and to not want him sexually is also a huge issue. If I may ask, what is your marital issue that causes this much grief? Link to post Share on other sites
Author misty12 Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 Misty, That would be a huge issue, and to not want him sexually is also a huge issue. If I may ask, what is your marital issue that causes this much grief? Well I think that after I started going to individual counseling (following my EA's which were my way of handling his drunken ONS which I rug-swept) I began to gain more confidence and respect for myself. So I stopped looking up to him as I once did and began losing some respect for him. All of the physical chemistry I once had for him went away. I have the same physical reaction inside to him touching me as I would my father. Gross analogy, but I don't know how else to explain it. I think there is also a part of me that is restless to start a different life since I have been with him since I was 21 ( now 41) and I have the rest of my life ahead of me. Since we don't have kids I don't have a main priority in my life other then my career and the relationship with my SO. He is perfectly content with his sports cars and Xbox. It is so hard because I would be breaking my vows, hurting him, his family, my family etc.. if I were to leave him. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Well I think that after I started going to individual counseling (following my EA's which were my way of handling his drunken ONS which I rug-swept) I began to gain more confidence and respect for myself. So I stopped looking up to him as I once did and began losing some respect for him. All of the physical chemistry I once had for him went away. I have the same physical reaction inside to him touching me as I would my father. Gross analogy, but I don't know how else to explain it. I think there is also a part of me that is restless to start a different life since I have been with him since I was 21 ( now 41) and I have the rest of my life ahead of me. Since we don't have kids I don't have a main priority in my life other then my career and the relationship with my SO. He is perfectly content with his sports cars and Xbox. It is so hard because I would be breaking my vows, hurting him, his family, my family etc.. if I were to leave him. Misty, Well, you DO have some issues and need to think things over. If you can't love him again... and I mean deep love, it ain't gonna work. However, it's possible to rekindle love, takes some effort, but can be done. You need to decide if that's worth an effort for you vs. divorce, which is the only other option. For "me", I'd certainly try to make it work... as it worked at sometime, and can be rekindled... If it does work it could be terrific... so probably worth some effort. If it doesn't, just toss in your chips and bail. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 If you want to save your marriage, go. If you are well & truly done, stop the façade & get on with your divorce already. This. Popsicle Link to post Share on other sites
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