Jealousy of what my girlfriend has?

[Busco08]

so I've been seeing this girl for six months and she is the first girl I've ever loved. I trust her more than anything and we always have such a good time together and rarely argue. But I get really upset due to her upbringing. We're only 19 and she and her family have seen the world, have a big house, she has a car and generally have a very healthy family life. I on the other hand grew up with parents divorcing at a young age, been abroad once and don't have a car and can't drive. Although I wouldn't take any of that away from her it just gets hard for me sometimes. I talk about all the countries I want to go to and she just tells me stories about her and her family went there. So this gets me down that I've not had the opportunity. Also whenever we go on dates, she has to drive me around and I feel so awful and jealous, I'd love to have a car to drive her around in. And also simple things like me not having a double bed makes when she stays at my house more difficult.

 

So how do I deal with this jealousy? I just get upset whenever we're in the car, or at her house or she talks about her holidays or her great grades at school. Because it makes me feel awful. :/

[TaraMaiden2]

I'll bet a pound to a pinch of salt you haven't spoken to her about this.

You've kept it all pent up and omitted to reveal your true feelings.

 

This will eat, and eat and eat at you until you force an inevitable break-up, because you will resent her for your not 'being good enough for her'.

 

You're self-sabotaging, and doing a pretty good job of it too.

 

you need to discuss how your past makes you feel.

 

Not HER past.

Not the privileges you perceive she has had.

Not the experiences she has been through.

Your past.

 

Because this is a stumbling block in your perception.

It's your jealousy and your problem, so whatever you do, don't make any of it sound as if she's responsible for your unhappiness.

 

or happiness, for that matter.

 

In either case, she isn't.

[Ellejay]

Everyone grows up differently, but because of this we all learn different things. & it's beautiful knowing that no two people are the same. Where a person may lack is where you are strong in & vice versa. She may have seen the world you have not yet seen, but it doesn't mean that you may not see it with her.

 

Because she has a different lifestyle than you & she's capable of going around the world, take it as an opportunity to be by her side, traveling the world together. She obviously is very fond of you & sees something about you that she admires.

 

Communicate to her that you feel uneasy about her driving you around in her nice car, etc. Also communicate to her that you want to be the one driving her around in your nice car someday. Show her that despite the different lifestyles you both have, you want to be the man who provides her more than the world she's already seen & that she brings that type of man out of you.

 

My cousin was initially insecure about his wife when they first started dating. She was well off, ambitious, intelligent, & talented. Whereas he was just an average guy, played video games, went to a continuation school, had no direction in life. Now he's a graphic designer, still plays video games lol & yet she still brings home the bacon (hr of a big company). They are very much in love with a newborn. I asked her teasingly, "What did you see in my cousin?" She answered, "Even though he sat around his ass everyday, he always made me laugh & wanted to give me everything he could. He was the most caring, loving guy I knew."

[Busco08]

Hi, thanks for the reply.

 

I have brought it up about a week ago with her and we discussed it in some depth. She told me that she does In fact have all these things but it doesn't matter because she loves me for who I am. But she said it made her feel guilty, which in turn made me feel worse. So she just re assured me. So I do talk to her about my past but all she does is tell me that I a, a better. Person and more mature and how I'll treat my family better(when I have one). But it still doesn't help the feelings I get. And I don't want to bring it up as she feels guilty.

[Busco08]

Everyone grows up differently, but because of this we all learn different things. & it's beautiful knowing that no two people are the same. Where a person may lack is where you are strong in & vice versa. She may have seen the world you have not yet seen, but it doesn't mean that you may not see it with her.

 

Because she has a different lifestyle than you & she's capable of going around the world, take it as an opportunity to be by her side, traveling the world together. She obviously is very fond of you & sees something about you that she admires.

 

Communicate to her that you feel uneasy about her driving you around in her nice car, etc. Also communicate to her that you want to be the one driving her around in your nice car someday. Show her that despite the different lifestyles you both have, you want to be the man who provides her more than the world she's already seen & that she brings that type of man out of you.

 

My cousin was initially insecure about his wife when they first started dating. She was well off, ambitious, intelligent, & talented. Whereas he was just an average guy, played video games, went to a continuation school, had no direction in life. Now he's a graphic designer, still plays video games lol & yet she still brings home the bacon (hr of a big company). They are very much in love with a newborn. I asked her teasingly, "What did you see in my cousin?" She answered, "Even though he sat around his ass everyday, he always made me laugh & wanted to give me everything he could. He was the most caring, loving guy I knew."[/quote

 

Thank you for this reply, it's definitely made me look at this situation in a new light. Ultimately she loves me for who I am and does a lot for me. I'm going to study pharmacy this year at uni and it'll make me motivated to work as hard as I can't to get the best job I can and provide for her .

[TaraMaiden2]

Great.

So now you feel resentful, and she feels guilty.

I think, based on what I outlined in my post, rather than transmit YOU have a problem, you somehow explained to her that her past made you feel bad.

 

You have to get over this, because otherwise, you are going to tear you apart.

 

The song By Randy Edelman springs to mind.

You're going to make your differences cause your break up, when in fact, it should be a question of accepting who you are, loving yourself for what you've been through, and being proud for how far you've come.

[smackie9]

Dude all those stories about her trips, etc is WHO SHE IS. If it emasculates you being with her, then you are not compatible and shouldn't be her BF.

[TaraMaiden2]

... I'm going to study pharmacy this year at uni and it'll make me motivated to work as hard as I can't to get the best job I can and provide for her .

 

Erm... I hate to sound like the Universe's Resident Pessimist but this is your first love, and you're only 19...

 

I think you need to realise that much as you may believe the contrary, it's far more statistically likely that this isn't going to last as long as you imagine it is....?

 

First loves are very, very, very, VERY rarely last(ing) loves....

 

It's probable that when you attend University, you will either find your horizons broadened - or she will.

And at the risk of piling torture onto agony, as things stand (and by all accounts on this forum) it's the girl who gets 'itchy feet' first.....

 

Don't think about going to Uni to prove yourself to her, and providing for her.

 

She's already provided for.

That's what's been bugging you so far, remember?

 

You can't compete with her past, and the future is an undiscovered country....

 

Work to be the best you can be, for the one single person who matters most, above everyone and anything else:

 

You.

[smackie9]

I'm going to study pharmacy this year at uni and it'll make me motivated to work as hard as I can't to get the best job I can and provide for her .

 

Good for you for turning something negative into being positive..... being inspired to make something of yourself. Remember, do this for YOURSELF, not her. If things don't work out, do let that stop you from progressing in life.

[Darren Steez]

I'd love to have a car to drive her around in.

 

Insteadof being jealous of what her mother and father, probably worked hard to attain to provide for their family, why not get a job, save and buy that car to drive her around in?

[Busco08]

I'd love to have a car to drive her around in.

 

Insteadof being jealous of what her mother and father, probably worked hard to attain to provide for their family, why not get a job, save and buy that car to drive her around in?

 

Or maybe I'm in full time education and can only work one day a week, my wage of 200£ a week is not enough for a car :')

[TaraMaiden2]

(£200 for one day's work?! Wow, show me where it's at! )

[Lois_Griffin]

Good for you, furthering your education. You're only 19 and weren't afforded the same luxuries as your girlfriend. big deal. Most of us weren't, either.

 

I'm REPEATING this for truth:

 

I think you need to realise that much as you may believe the contrary, it's far more statistically likely that this isn't going to last as long as you imagine it is....?

 

First loves are very, very, very, VERY rarely last(ing) loves....

[Busco08]

(£200 for one day's work?! Wow, show me where it's at! )

 

it was meant to be a month, please stop commenting on this post youre not helping at all

[Busco08]

Good for you, furthering your education. You're only 19 and weren't afforded the same luxuries as your girlfriend. big deal. Most of us weren't, either.

 

I'm REPEATING this for truth:

 

 

[/b]

 

I understand that a lot of people dont, and there are many people that are worse of with me, but i cant help but have those feelings of jealousy.

 

As for the second part im not saying it will last, i have no idea what will happen at uni, but she and i are both very mature and been best friends for 5 years. i dont care if theres a chance we wont last, but she means the world to me so imma damn well try make it work. clearly you dont have anyone that would do the same.

[TaraMaiden2]

Then please don't be immature and start bridling at what people are telling you.

 

Why do you think we are telling you?

What do you think we are basing our comments on?

 

It's not personal prejudice.

It's long-term experience, personal input and a repetition of discussions we have seen on this forum for many years.

Don't be fooled please, by the post-count. I have actually been an active participant on and off (more on than off) for 10 years.

 

You are not the first person to enter the forum at a relatively young age, with an account of first love.

I appreciate how intense, serious and real it is.

And I personally wish you well, I truly do.

But please don't become defensive or abrupt.

Truly, our intention is to give you realistic input based on long and frequent contributions to this forum.

Everyone is unique, but there are many, many similar, if not identical situations we respond to.

[Busco08]

Then please don't be immature and start bridling at what people are telling you.

 

Why do you think we are telling you?

What do you think we are basing our comments on?

 

It's not personal prejudice.

It's long-term experience, personal input and a repetition of discussions we have seen on this forum for many years.

Don't be fooled please, by the post-count. I have actually been an active participant on and off (more on than off) for 10 years.

 

You are not the first person to enter the forum at a relatively young age, with an account of first love.

I appreciate how intense, serious and real it is.

And I personally wish you well, I truly do.

But please don't become defensive or abrupt.

Truly, our intention is to give you realistic input based on long and frequent contributions to this forum.

Everyone is unique, but there are many, many similar, if not identical situations we respond to.

 

So why're you being so negative towards the situation then? you probably think because im young im immature and dont understand relationships etc, but i kinda do. i thought when i signed up to this forum that people would help and reassure others. not say 'get over it' and 'youre not gunna last, she will leave you', which is what youre saying.

 

Ive had people that have comment with GOOD advice for the situation. if i wanted advice about making it last at uni, then i would have asked. Yes i know that a lot of relationships last, and some dont, but ill tackle those problems when i get to it

[TaraMaiden2]

Well I'm sorry, but forums don't always work the way you want them to, because here, we reflect the real world.

 

People are not going to tell you things just to make you feel better, and bump you up.

Sometimes you'll get a comment that will be like cold water on a hot fire, but sadly, it's a big forum, and you have to roll with the punches.

We try to be supportive, but that doesn't mean being unrealistic.

 

You claim that both you and she are very mature for your ages, but actually, your brains haven't even finished forming yet.

And that's not being rude, that's FACT.

So it's not surprising I guess that you're a little impulsive and defensive.

 

And I will add that being jealous of a girl you've known and loved for 5 years, is actually quite immature.

You've known this about her all the time you've known her, and you haven't managed to get past this issue, to the point that she feels guilty for having the life she's had?

 

That's kind of a shame, isn't it?

 

Ok, look, from one Brit to another, good luck, mate.

Be well, and enjoy your time at Uni.

 

Hope it all works out for you.

[twosadthings]

To be clear what you are is envious not jealous. Envy is when you want what belongs to someone else and jealousy is when you don't want someone else to have what you have. I think, that within reason, it's OK to be jealous but never OK to be envious.

 

 

The answer at 19 years old is to continue your education and work hard at getting those material things you seem to envy. I'm an old guy and believe in old sayings so I think it's absolutely true that money can't buy you happiness and what really matters are your relationships.

 

 

Just sayin',

 

 

Twosadthings

[sandylee1]

Your jealously and envy will cause the relationship to end.

 

The fact that she's with you shows she likes you for who you are, otherwise she wouldn't give you a second glance as far as a relationship is concerned .

 

Her situation won't change, what needs to change is your thinking.

 

If you can't get passed the jealousy , maybe you should just be friends and date someone who has a similar upbringing and wealth, so that you don't feel insecure.

 

If my BF had said he was jealous of what I had, I would have probably ended it. It seems you are resentful of what she has and resent can lead to other negative behaviour. If her wealth is too much for you to handle. .....think about it.

 

Finally, remember she has the things money can buy, so you need to offer what money can't buy....... be a great boyfriend in every other way. If your not.....then why is she going to stay with you?