Dad almost hit me and called me names

[startinganew777]

I just got back from vacation with my parents yesterday. I go to a timeshare every year with some girlfriends but they couldn't make it this year so I invited my parents. I am 35 and they are close to 60 and figured it would be the last vacation with them and it would have been a vacation I would never forget.

 

Well on vacation, I realize pretty much that my dad is an alcoholic. My mom had told me that but my brother, sister and I just kinda thought she was exaggerating. Well I realize how bad it is on vacation. He is a freaking crab most of the time and doing shots and lying about it. Hiding alcohol, ect. I was married to an alcoholic so I know the red flags.

 

Anyways, fast forward to our drive back home. He has really bad road rage and is crabby most of the drive back until he goes and drinks one of his airplane bottles. We are just about home and some idiot driver almost hit our car. My dad got really mad beeping the horn at him and the guy pulls over in front of us and throws a rock or something at our car. My dad follows him into this neighborhood and my mom and I yell at him to go home. Tell him that he could have a gun. You never know these days. He stopped in the middle of the street and I yelled again to go home, that I was afraid of. This lunatic. My dad lost it. Raised his hand and told me he was going to punch me in my face, called me a fat ass and a bitch and continued screaming at me. My mom just sat there. We drove to their house, I grabbed my things while he is yelling at me to go home and then I take off and cry all the way home. Who talks to their kid like that?! It was uncalled for and it makes me sick. We haven't talked since and my mom won't really stick up for me because she doesn't want to get into it. He won't apologize because he i stubborn. My brother and sister thing I am over reacting by saying I don't want to talk to him ever again. That in my book is abuse. It was uncalled for but my dad says I am in the wrong and basically he did nothing wrong.

 

I don't know what to do. He really hurt me and has no remorse for it. My family thinks I am being dramatic about it. I am just really hurt and upset about the whole thing. I mean he almost creamed me across the face. The only thing that stopped him is I said I would call the cops. This is all just a mess, now this family vacation I wanted to be special is ruined and I will never forget my dad calling me a fat ass and a bitch.

Edited June 14, 2015 by startinganew777

[Tayla]

it is toxic. stay clear. The action of this adult is violent and untamed. protect yourself.

 

Sorry that you had to endure such a volatile matter. It does shake one up.

[startinganew777]

I agree but the rest of my family is upset w me because I said I didn't want to talk to him anymore. They say he is my dad and families get into fights all the time and to pretty much get over it. They are not even taking my feelings into consideration. It really hurts.

[anika99]

Alcoholics have toxic relationships and unfortunately it sounds like your whole family, mom and siblings, are codependent enablers.

 

 

You have every right to take care of yourself. You are not required to damage your own mental or emotional health just for the sake of pleasing your alcoholic father or his enablers. If you need support for yourself in making this decision or you are hurt and taking your father's actions personally then I would recommend attending a few alanon meetings. They offer excellent information and support for people who have an alcoholic in their life. Good luck.

[preraph]

So sorry. I know how hurtful that is. I went through something similar though not namecalling. Sit down with your mom soon and find out if he has degenerated recently. He is 60. He is getting old. He is alcoholic. Find out from your mom if he has gotten like this with her in years past (I bet he has) and if it's only when he's drinking. Find out if he's only gotten worse recently.

 

My dad and mom divorced in their 60s and then he had no one to stop him from drinking all the time and became an alcoholic at that time. He already had rage issues though. He had rage that came up often enough without anything to drink. But once he got old he also got brain degeneration (similar to Alzheimer's). The worst time was in the beginning of it when he didn't realize there were times he wasn't himself. He had times of confusion when he didn't know where he was. I remember him standing on the front porch of his house saying, "Well, I think I'll go on home now." So I took over paying his bills long distance. When he was confused, he didn't even worry about the bills. But he had moments of lucidity and that is when he'd flip out and get mad as if someone was trying to take advantage of him. Over time, he didn't even know I was his daughter. He thought he was about 19 for the last 15 years of his life and didn't know who we were.

 

The point is to find out if this is behavior he's not let you see before but that he has let his wife see, because that is likely the case. Or if this is new. If it's new behavior, get him in for a thorough diagnosis and tell them to rule out anything medical, dementia of all kinds. Brain scan, all that.

 

Once a medical condition is ruled out, it's time your mother demanded he get help with his alcoholism AND take an anger-management class.

 

Now, don't want you to think there is never any reason for getting mad at people trying to kill you. I myself have pretty bad road rage. I feel when someone is being so careless they almost kill you, you have a right to be really pissed off about it. But like you said, you have to be careful. If they're that bad, get the tag number and call it in. If the cops have that reason (probably cause) and the time, maybe they'll pull them over.

 

I will tell you right now, these things usually get worse with age, so the time is now to work as a family to control it. Don't let your mother sit on her hands about it. She has probably listened to it for decades, though. If it was behind closed doors, then count yourself lucky, because I was terrified every time I heard my mom and dad going at it.

 

I have stood up to my dad as a child, twice, once over mom and once over a horse, and he never laid a hand on me, but in his old age, he didn't remember any of that. He threw his walker at a home healthcare nurse and took off on his riding lawnmower to the liquor store for 3 days. You need to work to control his problems, whatever they are, now before health issues set in for good because these issues like addiction make patients very hard to treat and they become a danger to themselves and others and lose their judgment and filters that has kept the anger contained as much as it has been. Filters come down with age.

 

I had to eventually get my dad's rifle out of his house when he his brain was that far gone and then of course eventually he had to go someplace he couldn't just walk out. Which is very sad. Good luck.

[Radu]

Alcoholics have toxic relationships and unfortunately it sounds like your whole family, mom and siblings, are codependent enablers.

 

 

You have every right to take care of yourself. You are not required to damage your own mental or emotional health just for the sake of pleasing your alcoholic father or his enablers. If you need support for yourself in making this decision or you are hurt and taking your father's actions personally then I would recommend attending a few alanon meetings. They offer excellent information and support for people who have an alcoholic in their life. Good luck.

 

This really.

 

OP, you saw the monster underneath.

Now it's your choice what you do :

- your mom wants to reduce the drama [what is best for her]

- your siblings know he has problems but they have not seen the monster

- your family wants peace ... and that means that someone has to be sacrificed; the 60yr old stubborn mule, or her with problems who is 35 and divorced ...

 

Bottom line, you need to understand that all these ppl want you to do what is best for them, not best for you.

Because at the bottom, you have a family of selfish pri*ks ... with such rolemodels, is it any wonder you just happened to chance upon another alcoholic and married him ?

 

You really have no choice on this one.

Either you buckle to peer pressure and live a few more decades of hell on this planet, or you carve your own road in life and make a heaven out of your time on this rock.

[startinganew777]

Thanks all for your advice. I had my phone shut off most of the day yesterday because I didn't want to talk to anyone. My dad called several times and left many messages saying he felt sick for what he said, blah, blah. He called again this morning but I really don't feel like talking to him. I am so mad and angry this happened. My mom texted me saying I am over reacting and it was just a fight, all families fight. BS. Families don't fight like this. Makes me so mad no one understands my side and how hurt I am.

 

And all of this happens of course right before Father's Day. They are having a family get together Sunday and I have to go. My grandpa will be there and he just had open heart surgery at 87 years old and I can't not go just because of my dad's actions. I guess I will just steer clear of him and go to see my grandparents.

 

I told my mom she is an enabler but she thinks I am full of it. She is just going to blow this all off and I am going to look like the bad guy for not trying to fix this. What a mess.

[JS84]

Sorry you had to go through that. Can't you see your grandparents outside of the family function? You really HAVE to be there?? Sorry but people like that, I don't care how close they are, I won't have anything to do with. I'd cut him off. And the rest of your family sound like they're simultaneously in denial while being enablers. And your mother sounds almost as bad. You're right, that behavior is NOT normal. The worst thing you can do for an addict is enable and make excuses for them.

[startinganew777]

Well, yeah, I kinda have to. My WHOLE family will be there. Aunt, uncles, cousins and grandparents. They always have get togethers for Mothers day and Fathers day so if I don't show up, there will be questions and some upset family members, well, it will cause more problems than is already going on. We have a huge family and they all live in the same town and we all attend these family functions. I don't think anyone knows about my dad and it would really hurt my grandparents to know what happened. They are close to 90 and not in the best health so I think I have to suck it up and attend and not bring the rest of the family into it.

 

It is my mom's side of the family anyways. No need for them to get involved.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks all for your advice. I had my phone shut off most of the day yesterday because I didn't want to talk to anyone. My dad called several times and left many messages saying he felt sick for what he said, blah, blah. He called again this morning but I really don't feel like talking to him. I am so mad and angry this happened. My mom texted me saying I am over reacting and it was just a fight, all families fight. BS. Families don't fight like this. Makes me so mad no one understands my side and how hurt I am.

 

And all of this happens of course right before Father's Day. They are having a family get together Sunday and I have to go. My grandpa will be there and he just had open heart surgery at 87 years old and I can't not go just because of my dad's actions. I guess I will just steer clear of him and go to see my grandparents.

 

I told my mom she is an enabler but she thinks I am full of it. She is just going to blow this all off and I am going to look like the bad guy for not trying to fix this. What a mess.

 

Your dad is a mean and rude drunk. He gets angry and is out of control. Now that he's sober (for the time being) he's realized what he said and did to you.

 

You can accept his apology but let him know that you need space and time.

 

Your mom has been enabling his drinking for many many years, and unfortunately it's done damage to her too. I bet she sees everything that you're saying but can't stand up to him in fear he will smack her and abuse her so it's easier for her to keep quiet and be at peace.

 

Go see your grandpa and remember this day is about him and him only. You can go early and leave a bit early, say you're not feeling well.

[Radu]

Thanks all for your advice. I had my phone shut off most of the day yesterday because I didn't want to talk to anyone. My dad called several times and left many messages saying he felt sick for what he said, blah, blah. He called again this morning but I really don't feel like talking to him. I am so mad and angry this happened. My mom texted me saying I am over reacting and it was just a fight, all families fight. BS. Families don't fight like this. Makes me so mad no one understands my side and how hurt I am.

 

And all of this happens of course right before Father's Day. They are having a family get together Sunday and I have to go. My grandpa will be there and he just had open heart surgery at 87 years old and I can't not go just because of my dad's actions. I guess I will just steer clear of him and go to see my grandparents.

 

I told my mom she is an enabler but she thinks I am full of it. She is just going to blow this all off and I am going to look like the bad guy for not trying to fix this. What a mess.

 

Wrong.

We understand it because this forum serves as a check on reality.

And when you live in an abusive relationship [and this is a abusive father-daughter and father-family relationship], a check on reality is a must to get rid of the brainwashing.

 

Your mom will not accept right now that she is what she is, because it would mean having to look in the mirror and realize that it's not the younger version of Dorian Grey, but the old one ... cracked skin and all.

She would have to face her own fault in all of this.

 

With time, she may come around, but considering the age, the fact that ppl become more and more entrenched in their views as they grow older and that enablers by their own definition, are weak-willed ppl ... it's doubtful [without external peer pressure and significant amounts of it].

[darkmoon]

but everybody else in the family disagrees with you - are they always like this? you the outsider

[LuckyLady13]

StartingAnew777...No. Families do not fight like this. Some do but those are highly dysfunctional families.

 

I have good news and bad news. Bad news first. Your mom loves your dad. That's why she's minimizing his behavior and trying to brainwash you into thinking this is normal so you'll accept it. If you just accept your dad, she can continue her life as is.

 

Good news? You are NOT overreacting. Understand that. Rather than being the black sheep of your family, the way they are trying to make you feel, you are the white sheep in a family full of black sheeps. You don't want to live the way they are comfortable living and want more and better. That's so good!

 

I have met people who are completely comfortable with fists flying, busted heads, alcohol pouring like it's spring water and total chaos. It's normal to them and they enjoy this lifestyle. Things they find normal could induce nightmares in other people.

 

And I have met people who strive to keep peace. That's you.

 

You're the apple that fell from the tree and just wants to roll away to find a more peaceful existence. There's nothing wrong with that and I find it very admirable.

 

Your dad probably does regret what he said and how he acted but it's been more acceptable with other members of your family. He sees it effected you in a different way but you do have to show him that with you, there are consequences because you're not the rest of the family, you're an individual who wants to live a different type of life. Get some time away from your entire family and be you.

 

 

...you carve your own road in life and make a heaven out of your time on this rock.

 

I could not have said this better!

[Trishern]

If my dad ever spoke to me like this, my mum and siblings would absolutely tell he he was wrong.

 

 

I can't believe a father would speak to his daughter like this. Not all families fight like this at all. There may be disagreements at times in my family, but this from a parent is unacceptable to say the least.

 

 

I'd keep my distance until he profusely apologised and even then, I'd still be weary.

 

 

Mrs. T

[amaysngrace]

It wasn't him speaking...it was the alcohol speaking.

 

Has he ever done anything good in his life for you? Are you just going to dwell on what's wrong with him and forget what is good? News flash...nobody is perfect.

 

Go to Alanon and learn to set boundaries but to cut your father out of your life because he has a problem seems harsh to me...unless he has always been a bad dad in others ways too...then I totally understand cutting him out of your life. But try to accept him, all of him, if you can. Life's too short.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this.