beautifulinside2 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I moved in with my boyfriend 4 months ago. I probably should have not moved in as prior to moving in I caught him sending flowers to another woman, but he swore to never contact her again and as far as I know he has not. I don't trust him anymore, so that strains our relationship and I honestly don't believe he is cheating. My problem is I made every effort to include him in activities like tickets to sporting events, concerts, vacations etc, but now that he has the opportunities to reciprocate the same things he doesn't include me. He plays golf 3 days a week Wednesday, Friday nights and Sunday mornings and when he comes home he goes to sleep because he drank too much while out so thats 3 days gone down the drain. Then, the remaining open days he does lawn work to catch up on the days he was gone which leaves our nights together once every two weeks. It seems he intentionally leaves me out and intentionally makes plans that doesn't include me. I asked him why and his answer is he is careful because of his past and doesn't want to get burnt, however we live together. My friends take their wives to sporting events and most men love the fact that I'm into sports, he choose to take his friends to season ticket sporting events while I stay home and wait until he gets back. He doesn't respond when I ask him why and I really don't know what to do. We don't argue or fight, I'm really starting to feel used, insignificant, lonely. Outwardly, he acts like we are the perfect couple. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Not sure what a respondent here could tell you that you don't already know. Not much of a relationship if you don't have common interests or do anything together. What brought you together in the first place? Curious as to how he achieved BF status by ignoring you... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 We had a similar thread some time ago... Sadly, I don't think the OP has ever returned to give us an update, but I'm hoping she did the right thing for herself. I would urgently recommend you do the same. My post is the penultimate one on page two, if you'd like a comment identical to the one I would give you here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beautifulinside2 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 Thank you Tara Maiden this was very helpful! Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I suggest you move out and act as single as he is. You two started living together way too quickly. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I moved in with my boyfriend 4 months ago. I probably should have not moved in as prior to moving in I caught him sending flowers to another woman, but he swore to never contact her again and as far as I know he has not. I don't trust him anymore, so that strains our relationship and I honestly don't believe he is cheating. My problem is I made every effort to include him in activities like tickets to sporting events, concerts, vacations etc, but now that he has the opportunities to reciprocate the same things he doesn't include me. He plays golf 3 days a week Wednesday, Friday nights and Sunday mornings and when he comes home he goes to sleep because he drank too much while out so thats 3 days gone down the drain. Then, the remaining open days he does lawn work to catch up on the days he was gone which leaves our nights together once every two weeks. It seems he intentionally leaves me out and intentionally makes plans that doesn't include me. I asked him why and his answer is he is careful because of his past and doesn't want to get burnt, however we live together. My friends take their wives to sporting events and most men love the fact that I'm into sports, he choose to take his friends to season ticket sporting events while I stay home and wait until he gets back. He doesn't respond when I ask him why and I really don't know what to do. We don't argue or fight, I'm really starting to feel used, insignificant, lonely. Outwardly, he acts like we are the perfect couple. Beautiful, You do have some issues..... First perhaps you moved in too soon.... but He should ABSOLUTELY include you in EVERYTHING that you want to be included in. If you don't like sports, or golf there's nothing wrong with him doing some golf or sports with the buddies... or you shopping or doing something with the girls.... but TOGETHER should be the absolute majority of your time together. If your week is limited, the both of you should take priority. Regarding the flowers to the other girl... totally inappropriate, and hope that's totally ended. You probably want to know where he stands, and discuss both of your feelings and goals. Gut feeling, when you move in with someone, it's a serious commitment (unless you're a renter). The last time I moved in with a lady, we had a LONG talk about obligations, responsibilities, financial, etc. etc...... before we ever made the move. I wasn't sure it would work well, and we went over it again.... to be absolutely sure. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I moved in with my boyfriend 4 months ago. I probably should have not moved in as prior to moving in I caught him sending flowers to another woman, but he swore to never contact her again and as far as I know he has not. I don't trust him anymore, so that strains our relationship and I honestly don't believe he is cheating. My problem is I made every effort to include him in activities like tickets to sporting events, concerts, vacations etc, but now that he has the opportunities to reciprocate the same things he doesn't include me. He plays golf 3 days a week Wednesday, Friday nights and Sunday mornings and when he comes home he goes to sleep because he drank too much while out so thats 3 days gone down the drain. Then, the remaining open days he does lawn work to catch up on the days he was gone which leaves our nights together once every two weeks. It seems he intentionally leaves me out and intentionally makes plans that doesn't include me. I asked him why and his answer is he is careful because of his past and doesn't want to get burnt, however we live together. My friends take their wives to sporting events and most men love the fact that I'm into sports, he choose to take his friends to season ticket sporting events while I stay home and wait until he gets back. He doesn't respond when I ask him why and I really don't know what to do. We don't argue or fight, I'm really starting to feel used, insignificant, lonely. Outwardly, he acts like we are the perfect couple. You moved in together way too early. You were still in the new love fog and not thinking clearly. He doesn't share your interests, he doesn't think to include you, and he seems to be failing to make time for you. Does that sound like a recipe for a decent relationship? Either he needs to make you a priority or you need to leave. Yes, you friends bring their wives. Key word: wife. You aren't a wife. You are a live in GF. If you want a man that will make you his top priority and who will take you with him when he goes out, perhaps you should look for a man who shares your interests and who wants to marry you rather than stay with the one who seems to like having you around as a convenience to keephim company when he isn't otherwise occupied. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 This man came out of a 27yr marriage with a cheating wife and he failed to be honest with you re another relationship he had too - the flower incident. Now he has setted down nice and cosy with you and is treating you like he probably treated his ex wife. My guess is she got bored of the neglect and went off with someone else. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author beautifulinside2 Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 We did everything together prior to moving in together bowling leagues, movies, basketball games etc. we had a conversation last night and basically he said he is still afraid to let someone completely into his heart because of what his ex wife did and he loves golf but it's nothing against me and since he already committed to the leagues this year he would drop one next year. I told him I wasn't happy and I'm considering leaving, he said he doesn't want me to go. We had a gathering at our house on Saturday and his sister made a comment to me "he is so self centered". I was like wow and let me remind you this Is a very conservative family. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Don't dangle threats in front of him. That's just a form of emotional blackmail. If you want to leave, leave. If he says he wants to improve, tell him his leagues are one thing, but other spare time should be devoted to his priorities. Tell him things have to change, change for the better, and change for the better, for good. Otherwise, he will find himself spending Christmas on his own. And say what you mean - and mean what you say. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 This man came out of a 27yr marriage with a cheating wife and he failed to be honest with you re another relationship he had too - the flower incident. Ahhhh, now I get it. Well, ain't HE the catch? Not. Most guys who have been married for 27 years barely know how to tie their own shoelaces. He needed to replace his 'mommy' - that's where you came in. He needed someone to do all the household work and cooking and shopping and laundry because it's beneath him and he's always had someone to do it for him. But don't expect him to act like you really matter. You're barely a step above 'scullery maid." I'd dump this loser's ass so fast they'd have to FedEx my shadow to me the next day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 We did everything together prior to moving in together bowling leagues, movies, basketball games etc. Ok, you moved in 4 months ago, but how long have you two actually been together...? we had a conversation last night and basically he said he is still afraid to let someone completely into his heart because of what his ex wife did That's his problem, and he shouldn't make it yours. Maybe you should suggest seeing a Counsellor/therapist (either on his own, to begin with, or together, eventually....?) and he loves golf but it's nothing against me and since he already committed to the leagues this year he would drop one next year. In my view this is still prioritising his own time over you.... Seriously, if there is an outside element getting between you and your partner, you drop that outside element.... I told him I wasn't happy and I'm considering leaving, he said he doesn't want me to go. Refer to my above post.... We had a gathering at our house on Saturday and his sister made a comment to me "he is so self centered". I was like wow and let me remind you this Is a very conservative family....hence my comment about dropping the leagues immediately. His commitment is still to his preferences.... Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 We did everything together prior to moving in together bowling leagues, movies, basketball games etc. we had a conversation last night and basically he said he is still afraid to let someone completely into his heart because of what his ex wife did and he loves golf but it's nothing against me and since he already committed to the leagues this year he would drop one next year. I told him I wasn't happy and I'm considering leaving, he said he doesn't want me to go. We had a gathering at our house on Saturday and his sister made a comment to me "he is so self centered". I was like wow and let me remind you this Is a very conservative family. At this point, I wouldn't even be listening to his bullsh*t anymore. Tell him to get his sh*t together and call you when he does. Of course, I'd be dating someone ELSE by that time, if I were you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 we had a conversation last night and basically he said he is still afraid to let someone completely into his heart because of what his ex wife did If he is not ready to let someone into his heart yet, then why is he messing around with your heart and why are you letting him? Leagues??? smh 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 At this point, I wouldn't even be listening to his bullsh*t anymore. Tell him to get his sh*t together and call you when he does. Of course, I'd be dating someone ELSE by that time, if I were you. Harsh, blunt but to the point. And frankly, quite good advice....... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 You're not getting what you want from this relationship and you won't anytime soon . Rather than hope it'll change, take some power back and get your own place. If he wants you, you'll soon find out I do hope marriage isn't something you're after , because this guy ain't up for it. While you are living together though , get your own life . Don't wait around for him to invite you out, make your own plans and socialise a lot . I reckon he just wants someone by his side when it suits him 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 How old is he and how old are you Beautifulinside2? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 he said he is still afraid to let someone completely into his heart because of what his ex wife did and he loves golf but it's nothing against me and since he already committed to the leagues this year he would drop one next year. I know a couple of older divorced and "set in their ways" guys like this. They look for companionship but it's definitely on their terms and out of the normal BF/GF box. Best fit for them is their female equivalent, someone with a full life and established schedule seeking the occasional partner when things happen to overlap. Funny, golf seems to be a part of the dynamic is each of these relationships. beautifulinside2, is it possible he's been fairly consistent in his lifestyle and you moved in hoping to change him ??? If so, might have to chalk it up as failed effort... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 I know you must be devastated and confused, but in a way it is good you caught him sending flowers to another woman...at least you know where you stand, and how he is feeling about the relationship. Time to talk out where things are going. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beautifulinside2 Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 How old is he and how old are you Beautifulinside2? I'm 38 and he is 53 Link to post Share on other sites
Author beautifulinside2 Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 I know a couple of older divorced and "set in their ways" guys like this. They look for companionship but it's definitely on their terms and out of the normal BF/GF box. Best fit for them is their female equivalent, someone with a full life and established schedule seeking the occasional partner when things happen to overlap. Funny, golf seems to be a part of the dynamic is each of these relationships. beautifulinside2, is it possible he's been fairly consistent in his lifestyle and you moved in hoping to change him ??? If so, might have to chalk it up as failed effort... Mr. Lucky His ex wife did not allow him to golf in several leagues only one AND neither does any of his friend's wives. He golfs with different set of friends each time. He stated that his ex wife had her own life and he had his because they never had anything in common. However, I'm thinking differently now I'm thinking he just ignored her or he is so accustomed to being in that type of relationship trying to change is difficult. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I'm 38 and he is 53 OK, you are too young to put up with this "old married man"/golf widow nonsense. If he will not change pdq, then I suggest you walk. It appears he trapped you with the outings and doing things together and now he has you, he has reverted to type - a selfish old man, golfing and boozing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author beautifulinside2 Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 Don't dangle threats in front of him. That's just a form of emotional blackmail. If you want to leave, leave. If he says he wants to improve, tell him his leagues are one thing, but other spare time should be devoted to his priorities. Tell him things have to change, change for the better, and change for the better, for good. Otherwise, he will find himself spending Christmas on his own. And say what you mean - and mean what you say. I agree if I want to leave I should just leave but I think it's only fair to at least let him know where I stand and give him the opportunity to change. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I agree if I want to leave I should just leave but I think it's only fair to at least let him know where I stand and give him the opportunity to change. Beautiful, That's a thought but you'll have get thru to him in a positive way that will make him want to change, and it will take a LOT of effort. Can be done, but challenging.... and suspect you'll need help. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I'm thinking he just ignored her or he is so accustomed to being in that type of relationship trying to change is difficult. Probably true. Sounds like he's decided what's important, now your turn to do the same thing... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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