Strange breakup, reconciliation?

[Fighter]

Hi all, so here's the story:

We'd been together six months, definitely in love, definitely happy. Moved in together after the first three months. I had been becoming more anxious and paranoid more of the time, getting worried for no reason, questioning everything. He dealt with it so well for the longest time but one night I made a fatal mistake, I asked "do you sometimes feel like we're drifting apart a little?" he could answer and we went to sleep...

 

Next day, he comes home after work, and we sit down to talk, he tells me he thinks I'm right, and that he has noticed himself withdrawing etc and had been thinking about things. He said he wasn't sure if it could be fixed, things got upsetting and I went into another room and had a major panic attack, fearing for sure it was about to end. He came in the room and we were both in tears, we cried together (and never had before) . It was the hugest moment of love I've ever had, and him too. At the end of that he'd said "I don't know what I'm doing. I hate that I cause you pain." 20 minutes or so later he made his decision, he said he couldn't do it anymore, he said he couldn't bare to keep causing me pain, I tried to convince him he wasn't doing it and that it was just in my head, and he said he'd think about it.

 

Next day (this seems like a long breakup I know) he gets home from work, says he can't change his mind and that it's over - he knows I can change and get better but he can't be apart of it. He apologised and was very upset, he said he felt he was doing me a favour by ending it.

 

After about 48 hours apart we're back at the house, discussion has been had about moving out etc, he offers me to move in with his sister, and says "at least I'll know where you are and that you're safe. I want to help where I can". In the last 24 hours we've been in the same house, doing the same stuff but without the couple-stuff. There's been brief smalltalk and he seems okay, even happy to talk to me and hang out with me.

 

I don't think it's over - there hasn't been a chance for him to realise what's happened and miss me, nor a chance for me, but it seems very clear he still loves and cares for me, in terms of him loving me, yes he did say he loves me, even when breaking up. I do trust and believe fully what his reasons are and the feelings he expressed, we at least have that.

 

So my question is how I can go about getting him back or having him see we can fix things? I know what I have to change internally and well he took blame for things too.

 

All help greatly appreciated: I think this whole thing is running a lot deeper than it seems, my intuition says we'll reconcile for sure (could be fooling myself but normally I'm more pessimistic so it's weird) .

 

Thanks!

[treehugger93]

This sounds similar to my story. Moved in together after the first 3 months (temporarily though), I started to feel like something was missing, which I now believe was the infatuation period wearing off for him, I can see now that I started needing him which is not the same as wanting him and probably deepened the distance. In the end he broke up with me saying he didn't want to hurt me anymore and that he knows he wasn't making me happy, but he seemed really sad and regretful about it to the point where I still have hope he'll come back. It was clear to me as well that he still loved me even then.

 

I'm probably not the best to give advice since it's only been 2 months since my BU and I'm still hurting and confused and gone through a lot of stages, I've been hoping this whole time he'll contact me because I felt like our connection was so strong that we can't possibly be done, but neither of us has attempted to contact the other in any way apart from a courtesy goodbye text from him because I moved interstate, and I'm starting to face the harsh reality that what we had could very well be gone forever.

 

To be honest to me it sounds like you might be in denial...which is understandable given how recent your BU is and the fact that in the last 24 hours you were still in the same house doing couple stuff. I was in denial at first too. You said your guy knows you can change and get better but can't be a part of it... to me that means if there is any chance of reconciliation to be had it needs to come from him, I don't think at this point there is much you could do to change his mind, I would advise going NC, let him see what life is like without you and give him that chance to realise what he lost. But most importantly use your NC time productively, use it to heal, learn from the BU, learn more about yourself and what you want out of a relationship, eventually start dating again when you are ready etc. Ultimately NC is for you and if a reconciliation occurs it's a bonus.

 

In the end, What is meant to be will find its way back to you. All you can do is trust your journey, learn from the past and focus on bettering yourself so you can attract someone into your life who won't make you feel anxious and paranoid (it's a **** feeling believe me I know! I suffered through months of that).

 

So yeah chin up Let us know how you go. Hope I helped in some way

[Fighter]

Thank you so much.

 

I'd just like to clarify that it wasn't his fault - he wasn't making me anxious and paranoid on purpose. He had pure and honest intentions the whole time.

I've since had a massive breakdown (alcohol fuelled) and he was there, being all loving and caring about it all and had been saying he'd do it for anyone, even just a room mate . It pissed me off a little but I was just too exhausted to keep reading into things. In the end he was all "I'll always have a love for you, but it's not 'the love'." but I just didn't care. He laid on the bed with me for a few minutes and cuddled, then went back to his bed saying to txt if I need anything. I'm moving into his sister's house in two days.

I'm done.

[privategal]

Thank you so much.

 

I'd just like to clarify that it wasn't his fault - he wasn't making me anxious and paranoid on purpose. He had pure and honest intentions the whole time.

I've since had a massive breakdown (alcohol fuelled) and he was there, being all loving and caring about it all and had been saying he'd do it for anyone, even just a room mate . It pissed me off a little but I was just too exhausted to keep reading into things. In the end he was all "I'll always have a love for you, but it's not 'the love'." but I just didn't care. He laid on the bed with me for a few minutes and cuddled, then went back to his bed saying to txt if I need anything. I'm moving into his sister's house in two days.

I'm done.

Moving in with his sister is going to be disaterous. Dont you have another place to go?

You arent done and your making a mess of things showing yourself a drunk mess and all this anxiety.

It so isn't attractive.

Dont prove him right for leaving...he will now want to get further from drama.

Go to your family and friends and coworkers. Get your own support network. Get your independence back.

Move in with his sister? Noooooo.

Show him you can do it on your OWN...then cut him off.

He made a choice. Let him go and get counseling for anxiety and healing.

[Fighter]

Thank you.

[treehugger93]

Honestly it does sound like you guys have reached the end of the road at least for now, and whatever you do don't keep hoping and waiting for him to change his mind, it'll just delay your healing like it did mine.

 

I don't think you should move in with his sister, he needs to know that you won't always be hanging around waiting for him. He will respect you for it if you start moving on and focusing on yourself, best part is you will prove to yourself as well that you will be fine with or without him. Which of course you will be.

 

I agree that it does sound like you could use some counselling for anxiety, it's a huge help talking it out.

 

At the end of the day you're gonna end up happy with someone no matter what, you don't know who or when, all you can do is work on being the best person you can be to attract that person into your life. So try and enjoy being single again, and try to learn from the relationship and why things went the way they did.

 

Good luck

[Fighter]

Thank you. At this stage I have no where else to go so his sister is my only option but he doesn't go there much and I won't be there long. I'm sure I'll make it through. Thanks for your support.