Im the dumper and regret it. Where do I go from here?

[Meli22]

You have to be careful with this one. My ex did it to me; something was missing for him (he didn't know what, I think he just got bored) and he was pulling away for MONTHS. He was actually very hurtful towards me when I hadn't done anything wrong. Anyway we broke up. 3 weeks later he realizes what a terrible mistake it was and he's far from ready to walk away. We try again, within one WEEK he is back to feeling like something is missing. so I chose to walk, because I didn't deserve how he was being.

 

 

Sometimes people TRULY realize what they lost and it makes them fully appreciate the other person, and creates a beautiful relationship. Some people just miss the attention and the company. Try to distinguish between the two, and you'll have your answer

[aboucher21]

Dude don't beat yourself up. You probably got on well and had a good relationship but your gut is telling you that you want something different. You arn't married and you arn't destroying a family so stick by your convictions.

 

Also, provided you broke it off decently with this girl she may come back in to your life in later times as a friend, though that will be upp to her

 

I think this is the most accurate comment. I know I am beating myself up, I always have (sports, relationships, etc). My gut did tell me I wanted differently and she does want to be friends when we are both ready. Mind reader haha

[aboucher21]

You have to be careful with this one. My ex did it to me; something was missing for him (he didn't know what, I think he just got bored) and he was pulling away for MONTHS. He was actually very hurtful towards me when I hadn't done anything wrong. Anyway we broke up. 3 weeks later he realizes what a terrible mistake it was and he's far from ready to walk away. We try again, within one WEEK he is back to feeling like something is missing. so I chose to walk, because I didn't deserve how he was being.

 

 

Sometimes people TRULY realize what they lost and it makes them fully appreciate the other person, and creates a beautiful relationship. Some people just miss the attention and the company. Try to distinguish between the two, and you'll have your answer

 

Did you guys have a good relationship? Sounds like there are some similarities.

[Meli22]

Did you guys have a good relationship? Sounds like there are some similarities.

 

Yes and no. To be honest I'm probably more like you, I felt like I was always putting more effort in and making plans. My ex was possessive and controlling; he hated me wearing anything that showed my shape, he always thought I was looking at other men too. But of course there were good times. What annoyed me was that I put up with so much of his s*** and then it was HIM who decided something was "missing."

[aboucher21]

Yes and no. To be honest I'm probably more like you, I felt like I was always putting more effort in and making plans. My ex was possessive and controlling; he hated me wearing anything that showed my shape, he always thought I was looking at other men too. But of course there were good times. What annoyed me was that I put up with so much of his s*** and then it was HIM who decided something was "missing."

 

Oh well none of that really applies to my situation. We both respected each other and trusted each other but fundamentally we were too different I suppose.

[Meli22]

It's a tough one like I said because it's hard to distinguish whether you have truly made a mistake or whether you just miss the company. I'm sure the answer will become clearer in time.

[Simon Phoenix]

I think you need more time away to truly flush out your feelings, whether your feels of wanting her back and valuing her fully are genuine or just a byproduct of being lonely/not finding anyone else interesting. You are way too closely removed to really be able to decipher that, and the last thing you want to be is that flaky, wishy-washy dumper. I know that's probably not your intention, but a lot of people in your position go back out of impulse then shortly after do this:

 

http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/ive-made-a-huge-mistake-gob-arrested-development.gif

 

If in 6 months or so the feelings you have toward your ex remain, then maybe give it a real shot. However, in that time you need to be working on yourself and continuing to move forward.

[pa888]

I know I need to move on. It's just tough because we got along great and were so close but were incompatible in a few key areas. It's difficult to accept that I cant change anything ya know?

 

Oh boy tell me about it! I told my ex several times that our relationship slowed down but I always got the "I'm really sorry, it's my fault, I've just been busy" reply. I would have done anything to get the boy I fell in love with back but I've accepted that he's pretty much gone.

 

I think you need more time away to truly flush out your feelings, whether your feels of wanting her back and valuing her fully are genuine or just a byproduct of being lonely/not finding anyone else interesting. You are way too closely removed to really be able to decipher that, and the last thing you want to be is that flaky, wishy-washy dumper. I know that's probably not your intention, but a lot of people in your position go back out of impulse then shortly after do this:

 

http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/ive-made-a-huge-mistake-gob-arrested-development.gif

 

If in 6 months or so the feelings you have toward your ex remain, then maybe give it a real shot. However, in that time you need to be working on yourself and continuing to move forward.

 

I have to agree. From all the stories I've read it seems like the most successful reconciliations are the ones that occur many months later. Some people here say there's no chance of reconciliation if they don't return within a a couple of months, but I think if they come back too soon it's most likely because they are lonely. After months have passed you get used to being single and actually enjoying the time to yourself. Also if you casually date around or maybe try to become something more with someone else you gain experience as to what kind of person you are looking for. This goes for both you and your ex. So you might want to wait a few months to see if you really think this person is the one you want to be with.

 

The main issue with this approach is of course the fact that she may have moved on by then. Or it is possible that you two can start off with a clean slate, as people change rather slowly. It is a risk you'll have to take, but I think it would be more meaningful in the long run.

 

Just trust your gut, I've learned it's usually right

[aboucher21]

What are your thoughts on another month of NC when we're both better and meet up for something casual just to see how it goes? Not like a date or to discuss our relationship but just to see each other. I know most people will vote against it but I'm curious.

[Meli22]

Most people will vote against it as it could prolong your healing. However I'll say if you're prepared for the outcome you don't want then go for it. Life is too short to live with regrets. And because you're the dumper I think it's different to if you were in a dumpee position.

[aboucher21]

yeah I'm at the point where I don't expect to get back together but she really wants me in her life. Im not friends with any of my other exes but none of them really deserved it but my current one is different. She's a good person. Plus we have many mutual friends so I feel like we should have some kind of relationship/friendship

[Cailinsona]

I also think that you should give it more time. Firstly, so you can decide if you genuinely have feelings for her and secondly, so that she has the time to process her feelings and is in a position to decide if she wants you back. She may not want to rekindle things.

 

I was in a very similar situation, except that I was the dumpee. My ex contacted me after 10 months NC- at the very point that I was recovered and moving on.

 

It was very difficult to give him a second chance. But I'm glad that I did. It's now been nearly a year since he returned. It's taken time to rebuild the trust, but I'm very happy that I took the risk.

 

The time apart was good for both if us. He had worked through the things that were holding him back and I'd reached the point where I was happy without him.

 

What's the rush? Live your life, improve yourself and make yourself a better person for your next relationship (whether it's with your ex or someone new)

 

Good luck

[Meli22]

I also think that you should give it more time. Firstly, so you can decide if you genuinely have feelings for her and secondly, so that she has the time to process her feelings and is in a position to decide if she wants you back. She may not want to rekindle things.

 

I was in a very similar situation, except that I was the dumpee. My ex contacted me after 10 months NC- at the very point that I was recovered and moving on.

 

It was very difficult to give him a second chance. But I'm glad that I did. It's now been nearly a year since he returned. It's taken time to rebuild the trust, but I'm very happy that I took the risk.

 

The time apart was good for both if us. He had worked through the things that were holding him back and I'd reached the point where I was happy without him.

 

What's the rush? Live your life, improve yourself and make yourself a better person for your next relationship (whether it's with your ex or someone new)

 

Good luck

 

Good advice! Why did he leave you?

[aboucher21]

I also think that you should give it more time. Firstly, so you can decide if you genuinely have feelings for her and secondly, so that she has the time to process her feelings and is in a position to decide if she wants you back. She may not want to rekindle things.

 

I was in a very similar situation, except that I was the dumpee. My ex contacted me after 10 months NC- at the very point that I was recovered and moving on.

 

It was very difficult to give him a second chance. But I'm glad that I did. It's now been nearly a year since he returned. It's taken time to rebuild the trust, but I'm very happy that I took the risk.

 

The time apart was good for both if us. He had worked through the things that were holding him back and I'd reached the point where I was happy without him.

 

What's the rush? Live your life, improve yourself and make yourself a better person for your next relationship (whether it's with your ex or someone new)

 

Good luck

 

Thank you for sharing your experience. Why did you break up in the first place? We both agreed that this time apart could be the best thing that ever happened to us even though our future is unclear. There is no rush, I am just one of those people that likes to have a plan in place. When you say give it more time, do you mean continue no contact, not hanging out or what?

[aboucher21]

I deleted all of my social media and I just checked my snapchat to see who snapped me and she sent a video of her singing one of our old songs with the caption "I think of you every time I hear this song". I've been doing really good but that kinda messed with me. It's the second time she has broke NC request to say something made her think of me.

[Simon Phoenix]

What are your thoughts on another month of NC when we're both better and meet up for something casual just to see how it goes? Not like a date or to discuss our relationship but just to see each other. I know most people will vote against it but I'm curious.

 

Bad idea jeans. If you are planning for contact, then you aren't making the most of your NC. You need to completely table the impulse and actually devote all your resources to moving forward.

[jessyy]

Long story short, I broke up with a girl because I lost all feelings for her and after several weeks decided it was best to break up. Now a month after the breakup I began to miss her and want her back. By this time it was too late as she said she was moving on. She really wants to be friends and she would always text me first to have casual yet much shorter conversations than we use to. After admitting my wrongdoing and trying everything else I told her we cant talk for awhile and that I need to move on if she wants to truly be friends since she doesn't want to be together. Its been three weeks NC and I still think about her all the time. Should I just accept I messed up and move on or should I try a casual get together a month or two down the road when I am better and see how it goes?

 

 

So you felt like you fell out of love with her but then realized you were still in love with her? What made you feel like you fell out of love with her and what made you realize the love never left?

[aboucher21]

So you felt like you fell out of love with her but then realized you were still in love with her? What made you feel like you fell out of love with her and what made you realize the love never left?

 

We have had this conversation on another thread lol

[jessyy]

We have had this conversation on another thread lol

 

OH SHOOT LMAO!! HAHAHAHA that awkward moment.

[aboucher21]

OH SHOOT LMAO!! HAHAHAHA that awkward moment.

 

It's all good! How is your situation going?

[jessyy]

It's all good! How is your situation going?

 

 

Umm idk kinda weird... I have been working out religiously ever since the break up and I have never been the one to work out at all just because of pure laziness and my ex is all about fitness and everything .. so I was like I need to get a perfect bod for summer and to be like HA! LOOK WHAT YOU ARE MISSING OUT ON hahaha and so I have been working out everyday for a little over a month and yesterday I posted a picture on instagram of my progess and today he liked it ... weird.. he hasn't liked any of the pics I have posted since the breakup but he likes the one of my body... lmao idk! I mean it probably means nothing but I just found it a little ballsy.

[jessyy]

It's all good! How is your situation going?

 

 

How about you??? Any luck??

[aboucher21]

Umm idk kinda weird... I have been working out religiously ever since the break up and I have never been the one to work out at all just because of pure laziness and my ex is all about fitness and everything .. so I was like I need to get a perfect bod for summer and to be like HA! LOOK WHAT YOU ARE MISSING OUT ON hahaha and so I have been working out everyday for a little over a month and yesterday I posted a picture on instagram of my progess and today he liked it ... weird.. he hasn't liked any of the pics I have posted since the breakup but he likes the one of my body... lmao idk! I mean it probably means nothing but I just found it a little ballsy.

 

Well that is a good thing to do during a break up! keep it up. Yeah you probably shouldn't look into that just like my ex snapchatted me listening to one of our songs with the caption "I think of you every time I hear this song". It is hard to dismiss it.

[pa888]

I also think that you should give it more time. Firstly, so you can decide if you genuinely have feelings for her and secondly, so that she has the time to process her feelings and is in a position to decide if she wants you back. She may not want to rekindle things.

 

I was in a very similar situation, except that I was the dumpee. My ex contacted me after 10 months NC- at the very point that I was recovered and moving on.

 

It was very difficult to give him a second chance. But I'm glad that I did. It's now been nearly a year since he returned. It's taken time to rebuild the trust, but I'm very happy that I took the risk.

 

The time apart was good for both if us. He had worked through the things that were holding him back and I'd reached the point where I was happy without him.

 

What's the rush? Live your life, improve yourself and make yourself a better person for your next relationship (whether it's with your ex or someone new)

 

Good luck

 

that's a nice story to hear. how long had you been together before the breakup? And did you end up doing no contact?

 

I doubt my dumper would come back, our relationship was only 7 mo. long and it seems that the ones who come back have been together for at least a couple of years

[Cailinsona]

The breakup from my point of view was completely out of the blue.

 

He had been under a lot of pressure and had a series of life events going on. The only clue I had was that he seemed quieter than usual, but this seemed pretty normal given the stress he was under at the time.

 

I didn't really get any kind of answer until he came back ten months later. That was hard! I could have made sense of it if we had been arguing or seemed incompatible.

 

I read a lot on here and the common consensus seems to be that the dumper has this planned for some time and the dumpee doesn't pick up on the clues. So I figured I was just one of many this had happened to. I knew that I had to get my life back together and move on.

 

Turns out it was a spur of the moment decision made under stress that he regretted soon afterwards. He took time to sort his life out and make sure he was fully committed to trying again before he came back. He knew that it wouldn't be fair to me to suggest reconciling unless he was completely sure.

 

Interestingly, that ten months felt like eternity to me, whilst for him the time passed quickly as he was so busy sorting his situation out.

 

He was very surprised when I was reluctant to even give him the chance to talk when he contacted me. For me, my recovery from the breakup had been so hard won I was very hesitant to revisit the past.

 

He was persistent and genuine and his actions showed me that he was serious.

 

Really think about things. If you aren't sure about her, then wait. It would be really unfair to disturb her peace of mind if you aren't fully committed to being with her again.

Edited June 16, 2015 by Cailinsona