Author aboucher21 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 The breakup from my point of view was completely out of the blue. He had been under a lot of pressure and had a series of life events going on. The only clue I had was that he seemed quieter than usual, but this seemed pretty normal given the stress he was under at the time. I didn't really get any kind of answer until he came back ten months later. That was hard! I could have made sense of it if we had been arguing or seemed incompatible. I read a lot on here and the common consensus seems to be that the dumper has this planned for some time and the dumpee doesn't pick up on the clues. So I figured I was just one of many this had happened to. I knew that I had to get my life back together and move on. Turns out it was a spur of the moment decision made under stress that he regretted soon afterwards. He took time to sort his life out and make sure he was fully committed to trying again before he came back. He knew that it wouldn't be fair to me to suggest reconciling unless he was completely sure. Interestingly, that ten months felt like eternity to me, whilst for him the time passed quickly as he was so busy sorting his situation out. He was very surprised when I was reluctant to even give him the chance to talk when he contacted me. For me, my recovery from the breakup had been so hard won I was very hesitant to revisit the past. He was persistent and genuine and his actions showed me that he was serious. Really think about things. If you aren't sure about her, then wait. It would be really unfair to disturb her peace of mind if you aren't fully committed to being with her again. Great story! It's an uphill climb for sure I'm just curious as to when and how I will be able to differentiate missing someone and missing her. In the meantime I will most certainly not disturb her peace. It's the last thing I want to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Cailinsona Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 I think if you can focus on living your life, becoming a more rounded person, and try not to rush into relationships for a while, then that would be a good start. With regard to my situation, my ex's feelings for me increased during the time we were apart. He really missed me and realised how much he loved me. If it's not meant to be, then the natural course of events would be that feelings would fade over time once you've grown accustomed to being single and you are out busy living life, exploring new opportunities and meeting new people. I went on a lot of dates whilst we were apart and continued dating for a while even after he returned (I made it very clear that exclusivity would take a while second time around). I met some great people, some of whom remain good friends. It really helped me to clarify my feelings for my ex and also helped me to decide whether I really wanted to give our relationship another chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Pastmen Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Are there any signs from a dumper that he/she is missing you, and considering to come back to you? Link to post Share on other sites
jessyy Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Well that is a good thing to do during a break up! keep it up. Yeah you probably shouldn't look into that just like my ex snapchatted me listening to one of our songs with the caption "I think of you every time I hear this song". It is hard to dismiss it. Oh man. That is tough. I would have been really confused if that happened. She is almost playing with your emotions there. Link to post Share on other sites
jessyy Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 I think if you can focus on living your life, becoming a more rounded person, and try not to rush into relationships for a while, then that would be a good start. With regard to my situation, my ex's feelings for me increased during the time we were apart. He really missed me and realised how much he loved me. If it's not meant to be, then the natural course of events would be that feelings would fade over time once you've grown accustomed to being single and you are out busy living life, exploring new opportunities and meeting new people. I went on a lot of dates whilst we were apart and continued dating for a while even after he returned (I made it very clear that exclusivity would take a while second time around). I met some great people, some of whom remain good friends. It really helped me to clarify my feelings for my ex and also helped me to decide whether I really wanted to give our relationship another chance. Wow! Nice story! I hope mine ends up like yours. My ex was having doubts for a little less than a year (which he kept to himself because he didn't know how to tell me.. he is very selfless) and kept telling himself not to give up and that I was the one until finally a month ago he just couldn't take it anymore and threw in the towel. Told me that he loved me but didn't know if he was IN love with me. He said just because we aren't together now doesn't mean we cant be together in the future. Also wanted to remain friends, but that to me is a slap in the face... if you don't want to be with me you can't have me in any way shape or form. He is a very attractive 24 almost 25 year old male who gets a lot of attention at work (works at a gym).. I was his first real lasting relationship (4 years) so he doesn't have a lot of relationship experience and he never had a real college experience since he was working full time while studying because he was paying out of state tuition ($$$).. I had brought up marriage and moving in together a lot during our last year and I guess that made him doubt even more. He complained that our relationship got too deep in the comfort zone and that he wants a relationship were he can be in the honeymoon phase forever (speaks to his level of experience and maturity). I am glad this happened now before making a serious commitment. It really sucks but he has nothing to compare our relationship to and he feels the need to explore. I miss him so much but right now he isn't the man I know and love. I was extremely good to him and so was my family. Who knows if he will find greener grass or not only time will tell... the best thing I can do is give him space.. it is just really hard because I was completely blindsided and I never expected this from him. Link to post Share on other sites
jessyy Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Are there any signs from a dumper that he/she is missing you, and considering to come back to you? Well speaking from experience.. I would never know my ex was missing me if it weren't for the simple fact that he tells my friends who are his friends too. He doesn't tell me personally but that is because why would he if he doesn't want to get back together, that is just cruel. I can tell you one thing... depending on how long you guys were together, all the special memories you shared, and if the relationship was a good one, he is DEFINITELY missing you. Breakups are hard on the dumper as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Pastmen Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Wow! Nice story! I hope mine ends up like yours. My ex was having doubts for a little less than a year (which he kept to himself because he didn't know how to tell me.. he is very selfless) and kept telling himself not to give up and that I was the one until finally a month ago he just couldn't take it anymore and threw in the towel. Told me that he loved me but didn't know if he was IN love with me. He said just because we aren't together now doesn't mean we cant be together in the future. Also wanted to remain friends, but that to me is a slap in the face... if you don't want to be with me you can't have me in any way shape or form. He is a very attractive 24 almost 25 year old male who gets a lot of attention at work (works at a gym).. I was his first real lasting relationship (4 years) so he doesn't have a lot of relationship experience and he never had a real college experience since he was working full time while studying because he was paying out of state tuition ($$$).. I had brought up marriage and moving in together a lot during our last year and I guess that made him doubt even more. He complained that our relationship got too deep in the comfort zone and that he wants a relationship were he can be in the honeymoon phase forever (speaks to his level of experience and maturity). I am glad this happened now before making a serious commitment. It really sucks but he has nothing to compare our relationship to and he feels the need to explore. I miss him so much but right now he isn't the man I know and love. I was extremely good to him and so was my family. Who knows if he will find greener grass or not only time will tell... the best thing I can do is give him space.. it is just really hard because I was completely blindsided and I never expected this from him. It seems like a lot of people have this problem. After the honeymoon phase they just lose interest. They think it's'not normal to fall out of love like that and they break up. All because of lack of experience. They are going to feel the same about the next person, and the person after that. That's just how it works most of the time. You can't be in the honeymoon phase forever. It sucks for us, the dumpees, but we have to stay strong and find someone else who isn't like that and will love us forever. Link to post Share on other sites
ravfour4 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 You decide if you actually miss her yet and contact her? Link to post Share on other sites
jessyy Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 It seems like a lot of people have this problem. After the honeymoon phase they just lose interest. They think it's'not normal to fall out of love like that and they break up. All because of lack of experience. They are going to feel the same about the next person, and the person after that. That's just how it works most of the time. You can't be in the honeymoon phase forever. It sucks for us, the dumpees, but we have to stay strong and find someone else who isn't like that and will love us forever. It is a real shame. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aboucher21 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 It seems like a lot of people have this problem. After the honeymoon phase they just lose interest. They think it's'not normal to fall out of love like that and they break up. All because of lack of experience. They are going to feel the same about the next person, and the person after that. That's just how it works most of the time. You can't be in the honeymoon phase forever. It sucks for us, the dumpees, but we have to stay strong and find someone else who isn't like that and will love us forever. So you are saying it is normal to fall out of love in every relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author aboucher21 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 You decide if you actually miss her yet and contact her? No I have not talked to her. I've been thinking a lot lately and it's clear to me that we were too different and we would have kept running into the same issues. Yes I do miss her but I've realized we are not compatible in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Not every relationship , because some people just naturally chase the high. I often wonder if that was the case with my ex. He even admitted this would probably happen with every girl. It makes a lot of sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aboucher21 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 Not every relationship , because some people just naturally chase the high. I often wonder if that was the case with my ex. He even admitted this would probably happen with every girl. It makes a lot of sense. Yeah you never know. There are guys out there purely about the thrill Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 I know girls like that too. Relationship hoppers. And there are those who are looking for something that just doesn't exist, even they can't put their finger on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aboucher21 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 Hopefully they will learn in time! Link to post Share on other sites
Author aboucher21 Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 I just want to update everyone on my situation. I will not be trying to get back with her. While I do still miss her and think about her frequently, I know it is not in either of our best interest to get back together. I even texted her about a week ago just to see how was she doing and it felt wrong texting her and lost the urge to talk to her. I guess it showed my progress. Anyways I want to thank you all for your advice, comforting, concern and occasional tough love! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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