Im the dumper and regret it. Where do I go from here?

[aboucher21]

Long story short, I broke up with a girl because I lost all feelings for her and after several weeks decided it was best to break up. Now a month after the breakup I began to miss her and want her back. By this time it was too late as she said she was moving on. She really wants to be friends and she would always text me first to have casual yet much shorter conversations than we use to. After admitting my wrongdoing and trying everything else I told her we cant talk for awhile and that I need to move on if she wants to truly be friends since she doesn't want to be together. Its been three weeks NC and I still think about her all the time. Should I just accept I messed up and move on or should I try a casual get together a month or two down the road when I am better and see how it goes?

[JewelD]

It depends. Do you actually like this girl or do you just miss her? There's a difference. It's natural to miss something when it's gone, but those are not feelings of love necessarily. If you were to get back with her, are you positive that you wouldn't lose interest again? A lot of people get back with their exes over and over because they miss them but then the same issue comes up again and again. If you really truly cared about her, I don't think you would have lost feelings for her in the first place.

 

Take some time to really consider what you want from her and what you can offer her in a relationship. The worst thing you could do is get back with her and dump her again because those feelings of missing her have faded.

[aboucher21]

It depends. Do you actually like this girl or do you just miss her? There's a difference. It's natural to miss something when it's gone, but those are not feelings of love necessarily. If you were to get back with her, are you positive that you wouldn't lose interest again? A lot of people get back with their exes over and over because they miss them but then the same issue comes up again and again. If you really truly cared about her, I don't think you would have lost feelings for her in the first place.

 

Take some time to really consider what you want from her and what you can offer her in a relationship. The worst thing you could do is get back with her and dump her again because those feelings of missing her have faded.

 

 

She's by far the closest I've ever been to a girl and same to her except as a guy. We are both in college and we were best friends. I was extremely stressed and busy and I think I just got overwhelmed even though I did have some doubts throughout the relationship. I think I'm struggling with she's the best I've ever had and great girls like her are very hard to find these days.

[JewelD]

She's by far the closest I've ever been to a girl and same to her except as a guy. We are both in college and we were best friends. I was extremely stressed and busy and I think I just got overwhelmed even though I did have some doubts throughout the relationship. I think I'm struggling with she's the best I've ever had and great girls like her are very hard to find these days.

 

 

That's true, but people can be great and still not be the one for you. When you really love someone, being busy or stressed wouldn't make you want to dump them. Maybe you made a good decision. You can use this time to date other people and see what else is out there. It won't take you long to figure out if she's the one. Just be sure about the decision. But if she still says no, then it's time to move on.

[ravfour4]

Sounds like the sweet revenge we hope most posters get on here - ex comes back, realizes his mistakes and you say no. It's a bit humorous to hear about someone needing NC from the opposite side, when you could have easily kept her had you not jumped the gun and broken up thinking you could find someone better.

 

If you thought you could find someone better, you'd probably start thinking the same thing once/if she took you back. Just focus on yourself and you'll meet someone new. It's only been a month and you're scared you won't find someone else and want to go back to safety. Don't be that guy.

[aboucher21]

That's true, but people can be great and still not be the one for you. When you really love someone, being busy or stressed wouldn't make you want to dump them. Maybe you made a good decision. You can use this time to date other people and see what else is out there. It won't take you long to figure out if she's the one. Just be sure about the decision. But if she still says no, then it's time to move on.

 

Thank you for your input, I greatly appreciate it. I keep telling myself that, I lost feelings for a reason. Maybe it was bad timing or something but either way Ill be okay in the future despite how much it sucks now.

[aboucher21]

Sounds like the sweet revenge we hope most posters get on here - ex comes back, realizes his mistakes and you say no. It's a bit humorous to hear about someone needing NC from the opposite side, when you could have easily kept her had you not jumped the gun and broken up thinking you could find someone better.

 

If you thought you could find someone better, you'd probably start thinking the same thing once/if she took you back. Just focus on yourself and you'll meet someone new. It's only been a month and you're scared you won't find someone else and want to go back to safety. Don't be that guy.

 

Yeah I am wondering if the fact that she is moving on is what is making me want her back. The classic you want what you cant have. We have been broken up for 2 and a half months btw if that makes any kind of a difference haha

[Lizrd3000]

OP, most people on this forum will see you as a jerk instantly since you broke up with your now exgf.

 

That being said, don't listen to people telling you you're a jerk or you got what you deserved, it's just not fair.

 

Anyways, I think you're gonna have to follow the same path as dumpees do; Cut all contact, block your ex everywhere and start moving on. You can't MAKE someone want you back. All you can do is focus on yourself and help yourself get past this pain, because really, you can get past this pain.

 

Also, as someone else mentioned in their post, there's a difference between missing someone / being lonely and loving someone. Figure out what it is in your situation. If it's because you're lonely and miss companionship, you have to cut contact. If you still do truly love her, you have to cut all contact too.

 

Learn from the mistakes you've made. Grieve your loss, and let go. Move on.

[aboucher21]

OP, most people on this forum will see you as a jerk instantly since you broke up with your now exgf.

 

That being said, don't listen to people telling you you're a jerk or you got what you deserved, it's just not fair.

 

Anyways, I think you're gonna have to follow the same path as dumpees do; Cut all contact, block your ex everywhere and start moving on. You can't MAKE someone want you back. All you can do is focus on yourself and help yourself get past this pain, because really, you can get past this pain.

 

Also, as someone else mentioned in their post, there's a difference between missing someone / being lonely and loving someone. Figure out what it is in your situation. If it's because you're lonely and miss companionship, you have to cut contact. If you still do truly love her, you have to cut all contact too.

 

Learn from the mistakes you've made. Grieve your loss, and let go. Move on.

 

 

Thank you for your kind words. I have had people think I am a jerk and it hurts because I believe I am a genuinely nice person, however she is not one of them. We talked extensively about it and she understood where I was coming from since she was once in my situation. She handled everything as maturely as possible and I respect her to no end for that. In the back of my mind I know there is no future as partners. She has some trust issues from her past and doesn't let people in easily and I don't think I will ever regain that trust. I think I will continue to go NC until I am ready to see things clearly and address what I want.

[mightycpa]

you lost feelings, you go back, and you'll remember why you lost them.

 

Move on. You didn't do anything wrong. You were right the first time. You're wrong now.

[aboucher21]

OP, most people on this forum will see you as a jerk instantly since you broke up with your now exgf.

 

That being said, don't listen to people telling you you're a jerk or you got what you deserved, it's just not fair.

 

Anyways, I think you're gonna have to follow the same path as dumpees do; Cut all contact, block your ex everywhere and start moving on. You can't MAKE someone want you back. All you can do is focus on yourself and help yourself get past this pain, because really, you can get past this pain.

 

Also, as someone else mentioned in their post, there's a difference between missing someone / being lonely and loving someone. Figure out what it is in your situation. If it's because you're lonely and miss companionship, you have to cut contact. If you still do truly love her, you have to cut all contact too.

 

Learn from the mistakes you've made. Grieve your loss, and let go. Move on.

 

To add to my other post, I think I may have deserved it because I have learned more about myself from this experience than anything else in my life and in the long run I am better for it.

[aloneinaz]

People have the right to end relationships w/out being called a jerk. As long as the dumper is kind and respectful.

 

 

To the OP.. Usually when you reach the stage of ending a relationship, it's NOT a knee jerk reaction. They thought it through and came to the conclusion that it isn't working for them.

 

 

Now, it's not fair to the dumped for you to reappear because you've found yourself lonely, miss female companionship or are horny. This happens often to the dumper. They found out being single isn't all that or had poor luck dating or the person they left the dumped for wasn't all that. So, the fall back to what was comfortable and safe and ASSUME they can just come right back to them.

 

 

I have to respect your ex for telling you no to a reconciliation. It shows she has strong self esteem and pride for herself.

[pa888]

Hi OP!

I was dying to reply to your post because you sound EXACTLY like the boy who dumped me 2 1/2 months ago as well, and I am really hoping to maybe give you some perspective on the situation from the other side.

 

My ex dumped me as well because he had lost feelings, he had become swamped with school and work and I was trying my hardest to keep the flame alive but I felt like he stopped putting in the effort. However unlike your ex I have not talked mine since he dumped me for my own sake so I have no idea how he's doing or what he thinks about our failed relationship.

 

But as for your situation, I can't tell you what is the right thing to do because nobody knows, but maybe these are some things to think about. After reading so many breakup blogs on the internet I can tell you that losing your feelings for someone is completely normal. Relationships are hard, and it takes two of them to keep it going. I read one spin on this common phrase that hit home for me, it went something like, "The grass could have been greener on your side if only you had watered it." So think back to your relationship, and ask yourself if you were doing your best to make things work? Were you putting in the effort to keep the love alive or did you just hope that it would return on its own?

 

Because the last thing I would want for you or even my own ex is to fall for a vicious cycle where you fall head over heels for a girl, things start to get too comfortable after the honeymoon phase, you think your feelings are dying, and rather than work on it you decide they weren't the one and give up. As for your ex and how you should approach her it is possible that the damage may have been done. Being in her shoes I would definitely be fearful that your feelings will fade again. But hopefully you can at least learn from this experience when you find your next relationship with her or anyone else that it takes a lot of work to keep the flame alive. If on the other hand this is the girl you want and you are ready to put in all the effort and do anything and everything it takes then you better show her that you mean it and realize that there is a HELL of a lot to fix. But you must know WITHOUT A DOUBT that this is exactly what YOU want If you are not ready to give her your all and be in it 110% then let her find someone who will.

 

So my suggestion is think long and hard before you make your decision. I hope I have been helpful

[aussietigerwolf]

She may continue to refuse you. I had an ex who dumped me (via text BTW) for his ex and after only a month they had broken up again and he expected me to take him back... I refused because A: he had me if he had wanted me. B: who's to say he wouldn't do it again and C: I am no one's second choice.

[Itspointless]

I think I'm struggling with she's the best I've ever had and great girls like her are very hard to find these days.

Does that mean you want and miss her or her qualities?

[aloneinaz]

Does that mean you want and miss her or her qualities?

 

 

I took it as he's found nothing BETTER and is willing to settle for her until a new girl that rocks his world appears.

[Itspointless]

I took it as he's found nothing BETTER and is willing to settle for her until a new girl that rocks his world appears.

Yes I have that feeling too, but who knows, therefore I ask

[aboucher21]

People have the right to end relationships w/out being called a jerk. As long as the dumper is kind and respectful.

 

 

To the OP.. Usually when you reach the stage of ending a relationship, it's NOT a knee jerk reaction. They thought it through and came to the conclusion that it isn't working for them.

 

 

Now, it's not fair to the dumped for you to reappear because you've found yourself lonely, miss female companionship or are horny. This happens often to the dumper. They found out being single isn't all that or had poor luck dating or the person they left the dumped for wasn't all that. So, the fall back to what was comfortable and safe and ASSUME they can just come right back to them.

 

 

I have to respect your ex for telling you no to a reconciliation. It shows she has strong self esteem and pride for herself.

 

I have respect for her too. It took strength that I know I wouldn't have had. She did try to get back together initially after the first several weeks but I wasn't a position to say yes because it would be unfair and told her I would need time to totally figure myself out and when that time came it was too late.

[aboucher21]

I took it as he's found nothing BETTER and is willing to settle for her until a new girl that rocks his world appears.

 

I have had no intentions of finding another girl. I went on one date a few weeks ago and felt guilty the whole time. I'm not one for rebounds which is why I tend to heal so slow.

[aboucher21]

Hi OP!

I was dying to reply to your post because you sound EXACTLY like the boy who dumped me 2 1/2 months ago as well, and I am really hoping to maybe give you some perspective on the situation from the other side.

 

My ex dumped me as well because he had lost feelings, he had become swamped with school and work and I was trying my hardest to keep the flame alive but I felt like he stopped putting in the effort. However unlike your ex I have not talked mine since he dumped me for my own sake so I have no idea how he's doing or what he thinks about our failed relationship.

 

But as for your situation, I can't tell you what is the right thing to do because nobody knows, but maybe these are some things to think about. After reading so many breakup blogs on the internet I can tell you that losing your feelings for someone is completely normal. Relationships are hard, and it takes two of them to keep it going. I read one spin on this common phrase that hit home for me, it went something like, "The grass could have been greener on your side if only you had watered it." So think back to your relationship, and ask yourself if you were doing your best to make things work? Were you putting in the effort to keep the love alive or did you just hope that it would return on its own?

 

Because the last thing I would want for you or even my own ex is to fall for a vicious cycle where you fall head over heels for a girl, things start to get too comfortable after the honeymoon phase, you think your feelings are dying, and rather than work on it you decide they weren't the one and give up. As for your ex and how you should approach her it is possible that the damage may have been done. Being in her shoes I would definitely be fearful that your feelings will fade again. But hopefully you can at least learn from this experience when you find your next relationship with her or anyone else that it takes a lot of work to keep the flame alive. If on the other hand this is the girl you want and you are ready to put in all the effort and do anything and everything it takes then you better show her that you mean it and realize that there is a HELL of a lot to fix. But you must know WITHOUT A DOUBT that this is exactly what YOU want If you are not ready to give her your all and be in it 110% then let her find someone who will.

 

So my suggestion is think long and hard before you make your decision. I hope I have been helpful

 

I worked extremely hard during our relationship and she has acknowledged that. After we broke up she even said that I've done more for her than she has for me and she will always be thankful for our time together. I am a romantic and I initiated basically everything. Whenever we went out to do something it was me 90% of the time. When we had sex it was me that initated 95% of the time because she has low interest in sex. I would buy her flowers and do cute things for her often and she didn't do much of that and after being rejected multiple times and getting tired of initiating it really got to me. I just want everyone to understand how hard I worked.

[aloneinaz]

I worked extremely hard during our relationship and she has acknowledged that. After we broke up she even said that I've done more for her than she has for me and she will always be thankful for our time together. I am a romantic and I initiated basically everything. Whenever we went out to do something it was me 90% of the time. When we had sex it was me that initated 95% of the time because she has low interest in sex. I would buy her flowers and do cute things for her often and she didn't do much of that and after being rejected multiple times and getting tired of initiating it really got to me. I just want everyone to understand how hard I worked.

 

 

My man,

 

 

If this was the case, you where absolutely correct in ejecting her from your life. It almost sounds like she wasn't invested in that relationship or wasn't nearly into you as you were to her.

 

 

If your MO is to take time to step back and heal from this relationship, then do that. I'd just recommend that you not contact her anymore. There's no reason as she won't change.

[aboucher21]

My man,

 

 

If this was the case, you where absolutely correct in ejecting her from your life. It almost sounds like she wasn't invested in that relationship or wasn't nearly into you as you were to her.

 

 

If your MO is to take time to step back and heal from this relationship, then do that. I'd just recommend that you not contact her anymore. There's no reason as she won't change.

 

It's funny because that's not the case. She WAS invested in our relationship and if anything she was more into me than I was to her. I was her first serious boyfriend and I just don't think she really knew how to show affection but she was an amazing girl. We talked about these things and nothing really changed but it seems fixable which is what I keep thinking about. I kind of feel selfish sometimes because I didn't recieve the affection I wanted but I don't know. It just got to a point where I felt like we were more best friends than boyfriend girlfriend which I know isn't a bad thing but there wasn't much passion.

[pa888]

I worked extremely hard during our relationship and she has acknowledged that. After we broke up she even said that I've done more for her than she has for me and she will always be thankful for our time together. I am a romantic and I initiated basically everything. Whenever we went out to do something it was me 90% of the time. When we had sex it was me that initated 95% of the time because she has low interest in sex. I would buy her flowers and do cute things for her often and she didn't do much of that and after being rejected multiple times and getting tired of initiating it really got to me. I just want everyone to understand how hard I worked.

 

Hm in this case you were the complete opposite of my ex. For my situation I felt like I was putting in 95% and showed probably too much affection, but with his workload he stopped making any time for me. So actually you are more like me than my ex, except I didn't have the balls to end it.

 

It sounds like this girl just wasn't for you. You probably just got worn out by constantly doing anything for her and not being reciprocated. Going back to her would probably only bring you back to the same situation, so I think it's best if you just move on. As a girl who came from a loveless relationship I can tell you that there are plenty of wonderful girls who would die to receive that kind of affection

[aboucher21]

Hm in this case you were the complete opposite of my ex. For my situation I felt like I was putting in 95% and showed probably too much affection, but with his workload he stopped making any time for me. So actually you are more like me than my ex, except I didn't have the balls to end it.

 

It sounds like this girl just wasn't for you. You probably just got worn out by constantly doing anything for her and not being reciprocated. Going back to her would probably only bring you back to the same situation, so I think it's best if you just move on. As a girl who came from a loveless relationship I can tell you that there are plenty of wonderful girls who would die to receive that kind of affection

 

I know I need to move on. It's just tough because we got along great and were so close but were incompatible in a few key areas. It's difficult to accept that I cant change anything ya know?

[Sameold]

I know I need to move on. It's just tough because we got along great and were so close but were incompatible in a few key areas. It's difficult to accept that I cant change anything ya know?

 

Dude don't beat yourself up. You probably got on well and had a good relationship but your gut is telling you that you want something different. You arn't married and you arn't destroying a family so stick by your convictions.

 

Also, provided you broke it off decently with this girl she may come back in to your life in later times as a friend, though that will be upp to her