ColdandLonelyinAK Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I talked to the ex last night, but very briefly. We (me and a friend) were out bar hopping and he wasn't there, but we came back to our usual spot and he was there the second time around. My heart dropped when I saw him. I made it to 3 weeks NC, and was proud of making it to that point. But I was so tired of feeling nervous, and all the tension between me, him and his friends (refer to my thread about his friends' actions). So, I thought about it, and decided to extend the proverbial olive branch. I went up to him, and said "I just wanted to say hey. I don't want things to be weird anymore when we see each other out." He did his usual eye roll, shoulder shrug and "whatever" look (apparently he hasn't matured much). He said "Why are you getting here so late?" Umm... not so sure what that had to do with our conversation and why he cared. I said "I don't hate you." To which he replied "Yes, you do." I said "I really don't, and I don't regret the time we were together." I then smiled, gave him a quick hug and walked away. The rest of the night consisted of him staring me down and trying to talk to my friends. I ignored him. I know this may have been the wrong thing to do in the eyes of my fellow LoveShackers, but I needed to do it. I need that peace. I always let anger and grudges fester until it eats me alive and consumes my life. I couldn't take it anymore. It literally was holding me back. I wanted to be the bigger person. I don't care that he was an ass about it. It was about me letting go and being happy for once. I can forgive. I won't forget. It's all about moving on at this point. It's back to NC again. I still have him blocked on everything (I'm thinking maybe that's why he was angry). Do you guys think it was the wrong thing to do? I mean, I feel better, but would still like some feedback. I DO feel a lot better, and like a huge weight has been lifted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 (edited) Unfortunately, there is only one way to respond to this. Watch whole clip below. https://youtu.be/XCTPyEI0sxw Jk. Its done. However, he sounds like a douche. Certainly no need to say anything else to him. Edited June 15, 2015 by fireflywy 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TrevorDia Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 I think it was good that you got the closure you wanted, and you seem to be happy about it - so who has the right to tell you that what you did was "wrong"? As you said, it was holding you back and you couldn't take it anymore. You may not have followed the "rules", but you're not doing this for anyone else, you're doing this for you, so you get to do it on your own terms - even if it means you needed to break NC for some closure. Ok, yes, you have to start NC again - and that sucks (I'm starting NC again too... third time's the charm, eh?). I'm glad you got what you wanted out of the exchange and wish you the best of luck moving forward 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bluebelle38 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Unfortunately, there is only one way to respond to this. Watch whole clip below. https://youtu.be/XCTPyEI0sxw Jk. Its done. However, he sounds like a douche. Certainly no need to say anything else to him. Oh my god, that clip is brilliant. Hahaha. Agree that this guy us a rude and arrogant loser. Forget what he may think from now on in and just live your life. He is clearly no prize. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Oh my god, that clip is brilliant. Hahaha. Agree that this guy us a rude and arrogant loser. Forget what he may think from now on in and just live your life. He is clearly no prize. Thanks. I try and inject humor here. Sometimes people just need to laugh even in pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 I think you should be proud of yourself. Many people in your position would have ran the opposite direction from their recent ex. For you to walk right up to him, briefly chat, give a quick hug and then ignore him the rest of the night, is great. It showed him you were not all hung up on him and didn't back down when you saw him there. Now, I wouldn't suggest you make it a habit to frequent his hangouts either until you're a few months down the road and don't give a frogs fart about him anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 Wow, thank you guys! After reading all about NC and how you should wait "at least 60 days to speak to your ex again", I was worried that I would look weak. I did what I felt was necessary, and I have no intentions of wanting him back, so I felt it was appropriate. Everything is a game with my ex, which is why he reacted the way he did. It's all a power struggle. That was our entire relationship. I walked away with my dignity intact and didn't stick around to prod him with "closure" questions or beg him back. Not that I'm no longer in pain or anything, but the anger was the main emotion eating away at me. I'm glad that is minimized now. Unfortunately, there is only one way to respond to this. Watch whole clip below. https://youtu.be/XCTPyEI0sxw Jk. Its done. However, he sounds like a douche. Certainly no need to say anything else to him. Oh man. Thanks for that Chris Hemsworth. I think it was good that you got the closure you wanted, and you seem to be happy about it - so who has the right to tell you that what you did was "wrong"? As you said, it was holding you back and you couldn't take it anymore. You may not have followed the "rules", but you're not doing this for anyone else, you're doing this for you, so you get to do it on your own terms - even if it means you needed to break NC for some closure. Ok, yes, you have to start NC again - and that sucks (I'm starting NC again too... third time's the charm, eh?). I'm glad you got what you wanted out of the exchange and wish you the best of luck moving forward Starting NC again does suck, but I'm SO glad I came back to this forum and have you guys. NC is what allowed me to do what I did last night. Had I kept in contact with him all these weeks, I would probably be trying to get back together with him. I've accepted that the relationship is over, and I'm moving on with my life. I actually met a really nice guy this weekend who told his friend he thought I was beautiful, so she introduced us. I think you should be proud of yourself. Many people in your position would have ran the opposite direction from their recent ex. For you to walk right up to him, briefly chat, give a quick hug and then ignore him the rest of the night, is great. It showed him you were not all hung up on him and didn't back down when you saw him there. Now, I wouldn't suggest you make it a habit to frequent his hangouts either until you're a few months down the road and don't give a frogs fart about him anymore. Given what I've come to realize this week (that he met the girl he's with now while he was still with me), you're right. I actually DID walk away when I first saw him last night, but went back and held my head high and did what needed to be done. I really don't think, knowing him, that he liked what I did. In his eyes, I probably have the upper hand now. I expect him to do something stupid now to make me hurt or jealous. Just a matter of time. He's a man child. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 I think that if you're honest with yourself, you'll see that it's a bit premature to be considering forgiveness. Forgiveness is usually the last thing to come around, along with acceptance. It took me about a year to even consider forgiveness. I think you're looking for this to be over, but you're rushing it. Trying to prematurely say that you forgive someone is an attempt to close the door and make it all go away. If only it were that simple. I did something similar. I wanted to show that I was the bigger person and wanted to forgive because I thought it was the right thing to do. Months into NC, I got real with myself and realized I was angry as hell and was joking myself into forgiveness. I was able to forgive my ex about 1.5 years after our breakup, but I never told him of course. True forgiveness is very personal and for your closure. It's got little to do with the other person. Don't rush your grieving process. Give yourself the time and space to grieve without him. Don't go up to him again if you see him out. Would you have emailed/texted him a message about forgiveness if you hadn't seen him out? See this for what it is. You saw him out and wanted some sort of validation from him. Understandable at this point but not helpful in the long run. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Wow, thank you guys! After reading all about NC and how you should wait "at least 60 days to speak to your ex again", I was worried that I would look weak. I did what I felt was necessary, and I have no intentions of wanting him back, so I felt it was appropriate. Everything is a game with my ex, which is why he reacted the way he did. It's all a power struggle. That was our entire relationship. I walked away with my dignity intact and didn't stick around to prod him with "closure" questions or beg him back. Not that I'm no longer in pain or anything, but the anger was the main emotion eating away at me. I'm glad that is minimized now. I'm certainly glad that you don't want him back. That's some good progress. But I think you'll find that grief isn't a linear process, and you will likely be hit with anger and sadness again. You will likely be hit with the want to contact him again, and you will have to talk yourself down from it. I think that you got a contact high off of seeing him and saying that you forgive him. In a month, I think you'll feel differently. Be prepared for that crash. However, after following your story from the beginning, I think you should be proud that you didn't have a redux of the other times you saw him out. He sounds like a sack of sh*t to be honest, so good riddance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 I think that if you're honest with yourself, you'll see that it's a bit premature to be considering forgiveness. Forgiveness is usually the last thing to come around, along with acceptance. It took me about a year to even consider forgiveness. I think you're looking for this to be over, but you're rushing it. Trying to prematurely say that you forgive someone is an attempt to close the door and make it all go away. If only it were that simple. I did something similar. I wanted to show that I was the bigger person and wanted to forgive because I thought it was the right thing to do. Months into NC, I got real with myself and realized I was angry as hell and was joking myself into forgiveness. I was able to forgive my ex about 1.5 years after our breakup, but I never told him of course. True forgiveness is very personal and for your closure. It's got little to do with the other person. Don't rush your grieving process. Give yourself the time and space to grieve without him. Don't go up to him again if you see him out. Would you have emailed/texted him a message about forgiveness if you hadn't seen him out? See this for what it is. You saw him out and wanted some sort of validation from him. Understandable at this point but not helpful in the long run. I see where you're coming from completely, and maybe I haven't 100% forgotten what he did, but I do forgive. I think you can say to yourself "I forgive this person for what they've done to me, but I will never forget it." and be totally honest when you say it. It was just a symbolic closure thing for me. I still grieve and get sad at times, but I had to relieve that anger and it was the only way I knew how. My anger has literally been keeping me up at night these past couple of weeks, and that last time I saw him things got really out of hand and I guess I sort of wanted to save face a little. I struggled with texting him all week, but didn't. I figured that since I hadn't seen him out in a few weeks that I wouldn't see him this weekend. When I did, it just felt too tense. It was a spur of the moment thing to go up to him like that. I hadn't planned on it but only in the few moments before it happened. I didn't wait for a reaction. I didn't ask him questions. I just told him I didn't hate him. I think it was a crucial step for me. When he tried to start conversation, I ended it quickly. I do agree that I try to rush the grieving process. After awhile, you get tired of feeling the same emotions over and over. I will try to give it more time, but I think what happened last night was a big step forward for me and a personal choice to assist in the process. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 I see where you're coming from completely, and maybe I haven't 100% forgotten what he did, but I do forgive. I think you can say to yourself "I forgive this person for what they've done to me, but I will never forget it." and be totally honest when you say it. It was just a symbolic closure thing for me. I still grieve and get sad at times, but I had to relieve that anger and it was the only way I knew how. My anger has literally been keeping me up at night these past couple of weeks, and that last time I saw him things got really out of hand and I guess I sort of wanted to save face a little. I struggled with texting him all week, but didn't. I figured that since I hadn't seen him out in a few weeks that I wouldn't see him this weekend. When I did, it just felt too tense. It was a spur of the moment thing to go up to him like that. I hadn't planned on it but only in the few moments before it happened. I didn't wait for a reaction. I didn't ask him questions. I just told him I didn't hate him. I think it was a crucial step for me. When he tried to start conversation, I ended it quickly. I do agree that I try to rush the grieving process. After awhile, you get tired of feeling the same emotions over and over. I will try to give it more time, but I think what happened last night was a big step forward for me and a personal choice to assist in the process. In my experience, the anger leaves when you become indifferent. Once you don't care anymore, you can't get angry. Anger is definitively necessary, but it's difficult to navigate. I eventually learned to embrace and learn from my anger. I'm really glad that you didn't do anything else after the short conversation, but breaking NC is a big deal. Try not to do anymore spur of the moment things. Feelings are fickle and change with the wind, and the path to indifference is a roller coaster. Right now, you've still got that contact high. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 I think it's great that you did what you did, you killed him with kindness. But don't use what you said as an excuse to be his friend. He doesn't seem like a good person to be friends to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 I think it's great that you did what you did, you killed him with kindness. But don't use what you said as an excuse to be his friend. He doesn't seem like a good person to be friends to begin with. Absolutely no intentions of being friends. I have no interest in knowing what's going on in his life. Just waiting it out until he changes duty stations next year and I never have to see him again. It helps when all of you tell me he seems like a jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 next time you bump into him, look at him, smile, then turn your back. If you're with friends there, no point in bailing out. If you're bar hopping, take your friend and leave. There's nothing to prove and nothing to talk about. I still think it's brave that you have confronted him. Stupid, but brave. Now go back to NC and do your best to not only not talk or communicate with him, in any shape of form, but not even think about him. Cheers Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 I'm a closure fan, so good job. I think it'll make you feel better overall, longterm. Link to post Share on other sites
imtrying211 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 I do believe that sometimes there is a good reason to break NC, and that is when it helps you to heal. I broke a 30 day NC with my ex because we work in the same building, and see each other often. There was an awkwardness between us after our last conversation before NC had ended badly, and I wanted to get past that. I felt like it was holding me back from healing. I went into the conversation with no expectation other than to clear the air, and make it so that we could at least be civil towards each other when we do cross paths. Sounds like you stepped up with the same mind frame, which to me makes it a good decision. Now just continue on with your process, and don't look back! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 next time you bump into him, look at him, smile, then turn your back. If you're with friends there, no point in bailing out. If you're bar hopping, take your friend and leave. There's nothing to prove and nothing to talk about. I still think it's brave that you have confronted him. Stupid, but brave. Now go back to NC and do your best to not only not talk or communicate with him, in any shape of form, but not even think about him. Cheers Trust me, there were many moments after where I questioned if I was stupid. Maybe I was, but I just had to clear the air. I will admit the immature way he reacted made me a little upset after, but I got the result I wanted which was to "clear the air" so to speak so I'm happy with what I did. I'm a closure fan, so good job. I think it'll make you feel better overall, longterm. Same here (about the closure). I'm also a "don't go to bed angry" type. I do feel better. I didn't want his last memory of me being a drunk, emotional mess, crying and holding onto him and saying "Why did you leave meeeeee?" Yeah, let's just forget that night ever happened, lol. I do believe that sometimes there is a good reason to break NC, and that is when it helps you to heal. I broke a 30 day NC with my ex because we work in the same building, and see each other often. There was an awkwardness between us after our last conversation before NC had ended badly, and I wanted to get past that. I felt like it was holding me back from healing. I went into the conversation with no expectation other than to clear the air, and make it so that we could at least be civil towards each other when we do cross paths. Sounds like you stepped up with the same mind frame, which to me makes it a good decision. Now just continue on with your process, and don't look back! Thank you. I live in a small town. I am bound to run into him (saw him driving the next day, actually) so I knew I had to make things right. I am sick of the harassment from his friends, and feeling like the "bad one" (even though he dumped me! He was pretty good at turning the tables and making me out to be a terrible person when he dumped me). I wanted to take the high road and, to me, it was worth breaking NC for. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I think you did a good job, the small town scene could have forced you to keep running every time you saw him; this way you faced the demon and took away his power over you. You can now walk into anywhere and spend the night having fun whether he is there or not. It is always easier to get over people who we know are not right for us and it seems you have this guy well sussed. Onward and upwards. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 As long as you don't continue to repeat this pattern I think this might turn out to work for you. But please don't give into any temptation to further clear the air or to react to anything he does. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 see, when you break up and start NC, the other person - his presence or contact - is like drug for the drug addict. You miss it like hell. The problem with breaking NC is that you get your dose, which... in a way... keeps you addicted. How can you get over him if you go to him and talk? Really, how can you? And because you've broken NC once, you'll feel a lot more tempted to do it again. And again. And I can tell you, you may have surprised him and have had the upper hand now, but next time, he'll be ready. And you risk to land flat on your arse, lose your pride and further damage your heart. It's serious business. Dead serious. You should act as it he were dead. It's about your wellbeing, your sanity. Just how much do you love yourself? Show it ! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MisterNo Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 ^ very well said!! Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 It's serious business. Dead serious. You should act as it he were dead. It's about your wellbeing, your sanity. Just how much do you love yourself? Show it ! Which for many people requires some form of closure, hence her actions. (Also, pretending someone's dead is healthy? Yikes.) I don't see her planning anymore visits anyway. Are you, CaLiAK? Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Closure just leads to another question. `Why did you drop me?` `Because i met someone else who i like better` (Closure) `What is about he/she, that makes them better than me?` and so on....... Agree with candie. Of course they are not dead but they should be dead to you. You can forgive later...... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 ^ Not for everybody, not by a long shot. Really, I think if CaLiAK says she got closure and now she feels satisfied, we can all get behind that and be happy for her rather than re-upset the applecart and condemn closure. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariess10 Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 see, when you break up and start NC, the other person - his presence or contact - is like drug for the drug addict. You miss it like hell. The problem with breaking NC is that you get your dose, which... in a way... keeps you addicted. How can you get over him if you go to him and talk? Really, how can you? And because you've broken NC once, you'll feel a lot more tempted to do it again. And again. And I can tell you, you may have surprised him and have had the upper hand now, but next time, he'll be ready. And you risk to land flat on your arse, lose your pride and further damage your heart. It's serious business. Dead serious. You should act as it he were dead. It's about your wellbeing, your sanity. Just how much do you love yourself? Show it ! I agree , no contact what so ever is the way to get over someone and heal.. Seeing someone is a contact high that make you feel good for a few days.. I know I wouldn't wanna see or talk to my ex Link to post Share on other sites
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