You all will be disappointed in me, but...

[imtrying211]

I really think it depends on the circumstances for which you break NC. After I spoke to my ex, I haven't attempted to again, just a simple hello when we see each other in passing. I see him pretty much everyday at work, and I'm sure I could come up with "excuses" to chat with him daily, but I don't. I also don't get that uneasy feeling when I do see him like I did when we were completely ignoring each other's existence. That feeling left me stuck in the pain, and I just couldn't take it anymore. Since our last convo, I've been feeling so much better, like the weight that was holding me down, holding me back, has finally lifted.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

see, when you break up and start NC, the other person - his presence or contact - is like drug for the drug addict. You miss it like hell. The problem with breaking NC is that you get your dose, which... in a way... keeps you addicted. How can you get over him if you go to him and talk? Really, how can you?

 

And because you've broken NC once, you'll feel a lot more tempted to do it again. And again. And I can tell you, you may have surprised him and have had the upper hand now, but next time, he'll be ready. And you risk to land flat on your arse, lose your pride and further damage your heart.

 

It's serious business. Dead serious. You should act as it he were dead. It's about your wellbeing, your sanity. Just how much do you love yourself? Show it !

 

I don't doubt that bolded part at all. Like I mentioned before, everything is a power struggle with my ex... and I mean everything. He will probably try to "one-up" me eventually. My intention wasn't to be the one with power. It was a huge part of the healing process.

 

The thing is, I've had a lot of time to think about things and process this breakup. A LOT of time (I'm not working right now). I've really taken the time to do the soul searching, reflect on the relationship and realize it wasn't for me.

 

I also met a really nice guy last weekend. I want to see where things go with that.

 

Which for many people requires some form of closure, hence her actions. (Also, pretending someone's dead is healthy? Yikes.) I don't see her planning anymore visits anyway. Are you, CaLiAK?

 

Nope, in fact I plan on avoiding him from now on. I have been focused a lot on my physical well being lately. I've been dieting and exercising and have lost over ten pounds. That confidence Im gaining from it makes me move further and further away from him emotionally. He only brought me down.

 

I don't think I could pretend he's dead. We can all go on about how awesome NC is, but I don't think it ever really has to be permanent, especially if you want to create some closure. I really don't have any intentions of going out of my way to speak to him, but I'm not going to be totally cold to someone with whom I shared my life, home, time and body with. I can't forget that he was once the most important person in my life. I'm just not like that. Not that people who do that are wrong, but it's just not me.

 

I could have asked him all of those questions mentioned earlier, and tbh I almost did, but I decided not to. He will never give me the answers I need and I've accepted that. I'm content with how I handled things. As for the contact high, I guess only time will tell. All I can do is be strong for myself.

 

I really think it depends on the circumstances for which you break NC. After I spoke to my ex, I haven't attempted to again, just a simple hello when we see each other in passing. I see him pretty much everyday at work, and I'm sure I could come up with "excuses" to chat with him daily, but I don't. I also don't get that uneasy feeling when I do see him like I did when we were completely ignoring each other's existence. That feeling left me stuck in the pain, and I just couldn't take it anymore. Since our last convo, I've been feeling so much better, like the weight that was holding me down, holding me back, has finally lifted.

 

This is exactly how I feel now. Exactly.

[BC1980]

We can all go on about how awesome NC is, but I don't think it ever really has to be permanent, especially if you want to create some closure. I really don't have any intentions of going out of my way to speak to him, but I'm not going to be totally cold to someone with whom I shared my life, home, time and body with. I can't forget that he was once the most important person in my life. I'm just not like that. Not that people who do that are wrong, but it's just not me.

 

In my honest and humble opinion, and having followed your threads from the beginning, you are nowhere near emotionally stable enough to do what you did. You are not far out enough in the process. All of us are a bit unstable after a breakup, so it's not advisable to break NC on a whim. If you actually do stick to NC, months down the line, you'll probably feel differently about him and the entire scenario.

 

A big fallacy is that you need the other party for closure. What exactly is closure to you? Why is he necessary for your closure? What if he doesn't give you what you want or behave in the way you expect to get this closure? How did his reaction give you any closure? It seems like it simply reinforced what we've known for some time. We didn't learn anything new from this interaction.

 

I get that he was once the most important person in your life. Truly, I 100% get that, but he obviously doesn't feel the same way. Anyone that could cheat on you and gaslight you clearly does not value you very much. He didn't seek you out at the bar to apologize or clear the air. He has yet to offer you a heartfelt apology, and he probably never will. Yet you were the one who approached him. Think about that dynamic. What you did was reaction seeking. Like I said, I once did something similar, and these things are usually reaction seeking at the core. We like to pretend we are doing it to be the bigger person or to "clear the air," but it's usually just another attempt to do something to make it all go away.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

^^^ I knew there would be mixed opinions. I definitely wanted to know what you all think about this and I appreciate the feedback.

 

I knew he wouldn't ever give me answers, which is why I made it brief and didn't ask him anything. I really just needed to do this for me. I hated our last interaction before this. I was drunk and said the most terrible things imaginable. I felt like I **** all over the memories of our relationship with what I said. He said some things too. This was about me clearing my conscience, and really just trying to be the better person in all of this. He's stupid, he's immature, he cheated yes... but I needed to let go of all of it for my own sanity. I hold grudges A LOT more than I'd like to admit. It eats away at my happiness. I needed HIM to know that I forgive him, but for my sake and not his.

 

Maybe we all hope for some reaction deep down. To be honest, I was more focused on what I had to say when it happened that I didn't even look at him much.

 

I guess only time will tell how I will feel about this in the long run. I am back to NC and intend not to break it. I will say that without this forum I would probably stil be a crying mess right now. I'm thankful for you all and your opinions.

[15Love]

I think you know best what will help you heal. It sounds like you handled yourself perfectly. But bc1980 has an excellent point about the contact high. I've become fully aware of that contact high. And how long it lasts. And I still get tricked when it wears off.

 

Just know if...correction when that feeling to text him comes back it doesn't mean anything. You dont have anything else to say to him now. Now it's time to heal.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I think you know best what will help you heal. It sounds like you handled yourself perfectly. But bc1980 has an excellent point about the contact high. I've become fully aware of that contact high. And how long it lasts. And I still get tricked when it wears off.

 

Just know if...correction when that feeling to text him comes back it doesn't mean anything. You dont have anything else to say to him now. Now it's time to heal.

 

Trust me - I'm feeling the contact high wear off. I am still really happy with how I handled myself, though. But yeah, the feeling to talk is still there. I just know now that I can walk away from all this knowing our last interaction was handled with class on my end. I feel happy overall.

[jen1447]

^ Because closure.

 

Well done, C&L.

[15Love]

Trust me - I'm feeling the contact high wear off. I am still really happy with how I handled myself, though. But yeah, the feeling to talk is still there. I just know now that I can walk away from all this knowing our last interaction was handled with class on my end. I feel happy overall.

 

I think having the right ending is important. Unfortunately I'm guilty of chasing the perfect ending. Only time will tell if this was the right one for you. I always hope the perfect ending won't result in the feelings coming back a few days later. So far either I haven't found the right ending or there really isnt an ending that'll allow us to skip the hard work of letting go.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I think having the right ending is important. Unfortunately I'm guilty of chasing the perfect ending. Only time will tell if this was the right one for you. I always hope the perfect ending won't result in the feelings coming back a few days later. So far either I haven't found the right ending or there really isnt an ending that'll allow us to skip the hard work of letting go.

 

I will be completely honest and say that it was sort of bittersweet for me after all, because it was a symbolic sort of "I forgive you and I'm closing this chapter of my life" moment for me. So there were a few inklings of sadness this week after all was said and done. Closure and indifference don't always have to come at the same time necessarily. I can close a chapter of my life and still be sad. Indifference will come eventually.

[BC1980]

I think having the right ending is important. Unfortunately I'm guilty of chasing the perfect ending. Only time will tell if this was the right one for you. I always hope the perfect ending won't result in the feelings coming back a few days later. So far either I haven't found the right ending or there really isnt an ending that'll allow us to skip the hard work of letting go.

 

There will never be the perfect ending. There won't even be the right ending. Because breakups don't end well. You can't tie it up in a nice, little bow. Trust me, I wish we could, and I understand the desire to want that. We've all been there, wishing we could say one last thing or wishing we could have ended it differently. It's like chasing the wind.

 

And you're exactly right. No matter how it ends, after it's all said and done, you are going to have to deal with your feelings without that person. I think the closure myth has a lot to do with wanting a distraction from the painful and often isolating feeling of working through your feelings.

[BC1980]

Trust me - I'm feeling the contact high wear off. I am still really happy with how I handled myself, though. But yeah, the feeling to talk is still there. I just know now that I can walk away from all this knowing our last interaction was handled with class on my end. I feel happy overall.

 

Maybe you needed to do that, given the previous interaction. I can understand that. But you absolutely cannot talk to him again. Closure will come from you and in time. Indifference will come in time. But yeah, the contact high. Beware of that. It's very alluring, but it's only short term.

[jen1447]

I will be completely honest and say that it was sort of bittersweet for me after all, because it was a symbolic sort of "I forgive you and I'm closing this chapter of my life" moment for me. So there were a few inklings of sadness this week after all was said and done. Closure and indifference don't always have to come at the same time necessarily. I can close a chapter of my life and still be sad. Indifference will come eventually.

 

Closure and indifference or forgetting or 'moving on' as it were are entirely different things. Closure, like in your case here exactly, enables you to begin to forget/move on/become indifferent. It's a resolution of a conflict. You resolved it on your own terms, and now you're spirit is empowered to let the whole thing go, which it'll do over time.

 

That's exactly why I feel it's such an important component - without it, we never really get an objective resolution and the healing and moving on only happens over exaggerated lengths of time with the scar tissue method. Usually a lot more time. Any time you can go around that time sink you're making a really huge stride in your recovery.