treehugger101 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 I have mentioned of my Boyfriend on here in a few topics and I mentioned how his ex-girlfriend put him through hell. Well he says that she was a Narcissist and sociopaths. As well as using him, abusing him physically, mentally, verbally, gas-lighting, causing emotional abuse and psychological abuse, etc. He was with her for 6 years which lead to him getting PTSD that also occurred from another issue where he witness someone drowning and could not save them, among other issues in his life. All of those issues and problems have lead to how he is now, having to take medication, seeing doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, etc. Since him and I last hung out this past weekend, we did have another talk, talking about what happened between us, and his past matters etc. Things are better now. But my question here is do you know what he's dealing with since he went out with someone with these issues? Can someone explain to me a little bit more on what these types of people do to you when in a relationship etc. Have any of you ever dealt with someone like this in dating or a friend or family etc. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 My view as an old guy who's seen a bunch of this and loved a few supposedly abused folks as well as some emotionally unstable ones, along with caring for a diagnosed psychotic: 1. Everything not independently verified is unverified and should be deemed unreliable until verified. 2. A person who is severely emotionally or mentally distressed or injured should focus on treatment and recovery; in other words, themselves. There's little room for others and little genuine love to give. It's a time to be alone and get support from friends and family. It's transitory if treatment is effective. 3. When pursuing relations, take things slow. It's easy to over-invest into a person who needs or wants care and support, especially if one has a caretaker or nurturing personality. Doing so depletes one's own love bank until one day one wakes up and they're empty and the ill person isn't going to be sending them any love anytime soon. 4. Seeking to understand of the difference between loving someone and being loved and someone letting one love them. In practice, it can be hard to delineate depending upon the personality mix. A person in recovery from traumatic events, even if not purposeful, can fall into perpetuating another person's love and care even if feeling nothing themselves other than a want for that love and care. Sound depressing? Well, hopefully others can give you a more optimistic view. My experience has all been with women who've either stated they've been abused, raped, molested or similar or have been mentally ill or alcoholics. Some were all. One alcoholic and the psychotic person died. I pretty much have eliminated all the rest for my own sanity and would actively avoid known examples in the future. YMMV> 6 Link to post Share on other sites
caringsister Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 I have mentioned of my Boyfriend on here in a few topics and I mentioned how his ex-girlfriend put him through hell. Well he says that she was a Narcissist and sociopaths. As well as using him, abusing him physically, mentally, verbally, gas-lighting, causing emotional abuse and psychological abuse, etc. He was with her for 6 years which lead to him getting PTSD that also occurred from another issue where he witness someone drowning and could not save them, among other issues in his life. All of those issues and problems have lead to how he is now, having to take medication, seeing doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, etc. Since him and I last hung out this past weekend, we did have another talk, talking about what happened between us, and his past matters etc. Things are better now. But my question here is do you know what he's dealing with since he went out with someone with these issues? Can someone explain to me a little bit more on what these types of people do to you when in a relationship etc. Have any of you ever dealt with someone like this in dating or a friend or family etc. Google narcissist, gas lighting, crazy making. It takes time to heal and to learn to trust your own decissions after being in a relationship with a narcissist. Narcissist really screw up a person's mind and emotions. They are cold, manipulative, selfish, cruel and down right evil in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 I would be wary of his back story. Purely due to the fact that he is being abusive towards you with his insistence that you are cheating and his thinking someone else is present whenever you Skype. You are dealing with someone who is this way, you're only currently in the early stages of it as yet. Unless you attend his therapy meetings with him you don't know why he is going. It could very well be that he is the abuser and not his ex. Abusers are fantastic manipulators. Is he controlling in any other ways with you? Does he have good relationships with his family and friends? Work colleagues and bosses? Or, is anything that has happened to him that was bad always someone else's fault? Those would be the things I would be looking out for first. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 hey, OP, I understand your post but my reply to you is to NOT try to fix it, as it's not yours to fix. Vulnerable people sometimes attract the worst of human beings who mistreat them further, until they find the strength to kick those toxic people out of their lives. Thing it... it's his job to take care of himself. It is your job to make sure you are receiving love, care and affection back. Of course, you can listen and should be empathetic, you should know about his exes. But... you are not his psychologist. You're not his mother or sister. You're the girlfriend. Careful about the role you are taking on, as most habits are established early on. The question - real question - as carhill pointed, is: can he love you? Is he fit for a relationship? Some people who are in bad shape are like sponges, need a lot of love and he may sense your sensitive, nurturing side. I understand him feeling drawn to you. What are you getting in return ? What's in it for you? Why should you date him? These are the questions you should ask yourself. Of course, you should understand about PTSD but that should not be your main focus. You are your main focus. cheers Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Oh, Treehugger . . . your screen name suits you. You're hugging a tree that doesn't have the ability to branch out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 If he's that damaged, he shouldn't be in a serious relationship until he gets most of his issues solved. Go to a counseling appointment with him & ask his therapist if he's ok to be dating in their opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 It means he has excess emotional baggage. The counselor is the best thing for him... she/he can help him deal with it. Some may also fade with the passage of time. There is nothing you can do about it. Hopefully, he does not have too much to make him a poor partner, some people do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author treehugger101 Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 He loves me He cares for me He treats me well He makes me laugh He buys me things and takes me out He likes me for me He respects me He does not control me in anyway Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 When someone is therapy, they shouldn't be involved in a relationship....it will interrupt what needs to be achieved in his therapy...and that is to get better. They will become codependent on that relationship emotionally, and the treatment they are receiving is neglected. It even gets worse for them if the relationship fall apart or there are issues....it just sends them in a downward spiral...and all that therapy comes undone. You'd be selfish to take this on, now knowing what is at stake with his mental health. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 He loves me He cares for me He treats me well He makes me laugh He buys me things and takes me out He likes me for me He respects me He does not control me in anyway Is the guy in this thread a different guy? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/529699-thinking-someone-else-present Link to post Share on other sites
sampled Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 narcissists and sociopaths are quite good at getting partners. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
123321 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Female versions of those things are pretty rare IIRC. OTOH society probably benefits from a small population of individuals existing who are willing to "do the needful" as long as they don't do it too much. Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 narcissists and sociopaths are quite good at getting partners. partners aka victims Link to post Share on other sites
sampled Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 partners aka victims usually one in the same. ive even tried to warn people about them. does no good. Link to post Share on other sites
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