Had sex with best friend/co worker... This hurts.

[olivia2501]

Well against my better judgement I had sex with my best friend of 15 years who also happens to be my co worker last week. We have always had a thing for each other but our timing has never been right. Even now he is engaged but not happy and I am separated.

About 3 months ago he called me out of the blue to tell me he had been dreaming about us. That led to texts calls discussing us and sex. We agreed to just do it. He knows I have only been with my husband and sex is very special to me. We discussed all this before. He knew my reservations and we agreed nothing not even this would come between us.

But of course as I worried about, I feel so different now about him. I instantly felt a deeper connection, not sure he did. He says he loves me, but things are just awkward to me now. We used to flirt now it seems weird. I think it is all me. He acts the same I think I am just going crazy. We talked a little about it friday and he says he felt a connection too but we know we can't be together right now which is true. I told him my feelings were just all over the place. Then he started to get all teary eyed and told me if he hurt me he could not deal with that. My first thought was blah blah. This has!

I feel crazy, used and mad at him even though I am not even available! I don't want to lose my friend but I am reading into everything he does! Before sex he held my hand kissed me in the car. After it was the most awkward ride home ever. We talked like normal but no hand holding. No kissing. That has upset me.

This all just hurts. I guess I because we know each other so well, I just feel like he should know I am not ok. I mean we discussed before it would not be just sex to me.

Now add to it we are co workers and see each other everyday. What do I do? What do I say? This is awful. Am I just supposed to act like all is normal. I don't even know what I expect. Maybe to be together? Which we can't right now. Maybe more affection from him which most likely will mean more sex. Can I handle that. I guess I just need reassurance I was not just a hook up. So do I ask for that or do I sound crazy? There is not one person I can talk to about this either but him. My friends would die if they knew this! I certainly feel crazy!

[Satu]

Best friend, co-worker, one-time lover...

 

Boundaries.

 

Are there any?

 

These triangular relationships almost always cause pain to all three, and almost always end in regret.

 

My sympathy is with the fiancee.

Edited June 15, 2015 by Satu

[olivia2501]

That is a good question and I guess one I need to think about. I always was the one with the boundaries that our friendship would never go there. He has tried before for us to go this far and I always said absolutely no. I think I caved this time because I am not happy and headed for divorce. I am sure for him it is because he is trying to get out of the relationship he is in. I have always thought we should have had a chance for a relationship.

I started to let thoughts creep in maybe if we just had sex, we would know if those years of feelings were real. Very stupid! Now I am more confused than ever and feel awful all the way around. I don't know even know what our normal is now.

[SammySammy]

Temper your expectations about what this may lead to relationship-wise. There's a good possibility that it won't go any further than just being friends - if your friendship survives.

 

Talk to him about what you're feeling emotionally. Never expect a man to know or just to get how you feel. Tell him that although you all talked about it beforehand, you didn't expect to feel the intensity of emotion and connection that you now feel. It would be a good idea for both of you to lay your cards on the table and work through them.

 

You're not crazy. What you're feeling is quite normal. Acknowledge what you're feeling and you guys decide what sort of relationship you want to have from this point.

[AGoodFriend]

He wanted to have some fun before tying the knot. He knew that you would be partial to the idea and that it would be an easier angle than looking for sex elsewhere. I say this because it seems like he pursued you pretty hard sexually after "calling out the blue."

 

You gave him what he wanted, and now he feels terrible. He has a fiancee. Now he has to think about what his life with her will be going forward. Also, he has to see you every day at work, so he can't just totally cut you out of his life and pretend that he didn't cheat on his betrothed. He might have been more relaxed if you two didn't work together, and continued being the sweet guy you know, but there is nowhere to hide when two people work together.

 

He doesn't sound too emotionally equipped to deal with his engagement, much less to handle your emotional needs and how you feel after this event.

 

While you are not wrong in feeling hurt and used, you must try to look as objectively as you can at your situation. What about the fiancee and her feelings? What can you really expect from this guy? What can you really give? You yourself are going through a separation, so even if this guy were single, it would be a rebound for you.

 

I know how you feel about wanting to make sure that he at least has SOME feelings for you, that it wasn't just a hookup. If he's not ready to talk about it now, then I doubt he will ever be. He may not want to hurt you with the truth.

[Lois_Griffin]

He wanted to have some fun before tying the knot. He knew that you would be partial to the idea and that it would be an easier angle than looking for sex elsewhere. I say this because it seems like he pursued you pretty hard sexually after "calling out the blue."

 

Yup.

 

The opportunity arose and he jumped on it. And you're MUCH more of a sure thing for him than having to trawl the bars or personal ads, looking for it.

 

I think you WERE a hook-up. Absolutely. You two were always dancing around the pit...you finally both decided to jump in, is all. I don't think he was looking to CHANGE his current situation, he was just looking to add a little excitement to it.

 

Next time, respect yourself more.

[Adlih]

Good morning,

 

First of all let me tell you that I think you're very courages for posting your current situation. Many of us go through similar things but we're not brave enough to post it or even talk about it.

 

For me it's a cry for help. Hopefully, you'll find what you are looking for. Being placed in this scenario will give you the opportinuty to get to know yourself in ways you hadn't yet.

 

I would like to ask you to consider that you really have no control over what he does, how he reacts, or feels. As women we normally can tell and sense when someone has is really interested in us. So it happens the same way when they are not.

 

Here what ever he's up to, the reasons why he called, why he had sex with you or even why he stopped holding hands and kissing you have nothing to do with you. Those are his choices.

 

The real question is what will you do with this? You don't know? That's ok too. Listen to what you really want and trust the fact that it is you that will provide for your well being. That will bring you to higher place to meet all these challenges. If you still feel you can't see the light, don't give up on yourself. Find professional help.

 

Having had sex with him is not the end of the world. You see, it's all about taking risks. It seems that in this risk you got hurt. I am certain to tell you that not all men are the same. I advise trying to forgive yourself, you already have enough on your shoulders. You don't need the negative talk.

Do your best to focus on what you do have control over. 15 years of friendship and one night of sex are not worth your despair. This occasion was the experinece life had to offer you. i would also recommned that you think what is the highest purpose in this experience? Is there a lesson? There is no doubt you are in for the growth of your life if that's what you decide it to be.

 

Consider that you don't have to go by with whatever anyone says. Or whatever is established by society. In my case, I had only been with my ex husband. I made a big fuss over what sex meant to me. I'm not saying that in no way this isn't the best or that it is the worst approach, like many other things, it's a personal choice. You see, sometimes it has to do what we place our personal value on, and believe me it's not. There's so much to who we are. It's an amazing gift! The second person was a real disappointment! He was just a player. It's sad to come across people like this. But now, I know best. And no one will ever hurt me like that. I feel so much stronger. After so many years, love did finally find me. I am in love and I know I am loved.

 

Now listen, not just because sex means this to you, doesn't mean it'll mean the same to others. But that's ok too. Eventually you'll find someone who has your same ideals. Let love find you. That's something else, you yourself are going throught this separation thing, that takes some healing time. Time for real reflection and changes. If that's what you chose to do.

 

 

To finish I would like to ask you not to let anyone's behaviors or decisons define who you are. He's been you second man sexually, if it meant what it did to you, keep it that way. Don't make it about what it meant to him. He doesn't have that power over you. There's love out there, real love. Let it begin with the love for ourselves.

Be patient, this too will soon be over.

[olivia2501]

Several times this weekend I typed a post and deleted it. Scared I would be judged and feeling so bad about what had happened, so hurt, so guilty. Knowing I did not respect myself and caved. I don't even know what I was looking for from him. I guess the flirting got to me. My sad situation at home was filled with his compliments and attention. Sad sad me! I sound pathetic. Maybe I used him because although he is my best friend could I see myself being with him, no. He is a player not capable of true love until he deals with some hurts of his own. I am his "love" his best friend who he loves more than anything but also the girl he owes no relationship too. I am his rock and confidant but I am also commitment free. I was the one he could never have because I always said no. So I caved and i am mad with myself. Maybe I thought it would happen And magically I could change him to be the guy I know he can be. Capable of true love, to let go and be ok being loved.

What an eye opener you all gave me! This is not about him, but me! And if I was just a hook up then own it, realize my mistake and move on from those feelings. I think we can still be friends because honestly I can make that choice. It may be awkward at first but it will get easier. I need to take my power back. I just felt psycho this weekend obsessing over my mistake. You are all awesome and thank you!

[Adlih]

How is having sex with someone you care for a lack of respect? You're respecting yourself by wanting to make a difference.

 

Don't let all the taboos around sex build up all the self-blame. You're a woman, and only human. Try to be more kind with yourself.

 

You may be all that to him, but it's more important what you are to youself. Now you need to be that rock for you!

 

I'm pretty sure he's capable of true love just as we all are, but he may not be ready. The right timing is key. It gets to us at different moments in our lives. There's no way of changing anyone. No sir! No matter how hard we try.

 

I totally agree with you on the fact that we do each have our own stuff to deal with and to heal. Sometimes you need to grow apart to grow together.

It's a fact of life!

Feeling psycho is also human it's the first step to seeing the light, if you ask me you're on the right track.

 

I believe in you!