In love with a best friend.....but we are BFFs

[Jeff28]

New here....alright.....here goes nothing! Looking for any advice to help me with my situation.

 

So I got myself into a situation & not sure what to do. The short version.....I have fallen in love with a best friend. She is in a sketchy relationship & doesn't feel this guy she is dating appreciates her BUT continues to date him anyways. We are close & are BFFs.

 

Long version! I met a girl a 9 years ago, we became friends although we never hung out all that much. I kind of liked her but she had a bf & they dated awhile. Like all times before if a girl is taken I just move on BUT stay friends. She was cool & loved talking to me. We had similar interests too. I actually moved away a few years after that but we stayed in touch. I came back 3 years ago & she immediately wanted to see me. This time though we became very close friends & over the next few months we became BFFs. She was fresh out of a relationship & I didn't want to become a rebound. Despite having feelings for her, I never took it to that level. I waited too too long though & she started dating a guy she worked with. They broke up twice since then BUT recently started seeing each other again. She tells me though their current issues & it doesn't seem like it will last long term. I never moved in when they broke up because I was seeing someone, sadly it didn't work BUT it kept me from pursuing her.

 

Last 6 months we have been ultra close and openingly refer to each other as BFFs. We text almost everyday & see each other on a weekly basis. When she has issues she always turns to me & I have stayed up late trying to help her OR will meet her up to calm her down & do everything I can to make her feel better. When I have issues she does the same. It's to the point where she is the person in my life I talk to the most. I see her more than other best friends.

 

I really love her at this point & I was dating up until last month. I stopped though & just look forward to hanging out with her. I really have fallen for her BUT I don't think its mutual. I think she views me just as her BFF & is happy with this. Even if she didn't.......there is her shaky relationship she is in. I think she wants me there for her on every level but intimate. I don't even think of the sex aspect...I just want to be in a relationship with her & enjoy my life with her. How screwed am I on this? Can I even move from BFF to BF?

 

If you read through all of this......thank you! Looking for advice & feedback!

Edited June 15, 2015 by Jeff28
Grammar Mistake!

[jen1447]

My gut reaction is that if you tried to broach the idea with her, she wouldn't react well - specifically bc you are that guy to her, her BFF or whatever. You're her go-to, her crutch, her emotional support. Some (many?) women like this type of friend, distinct from a lover.

 

The question then is how good is this for you personally. One of the reasons it's so good for her is the exact reason it's not good for you - the lack of that final obligation to intimacy (emotional or physical). She can essentially keep you in a box and take you out whenever she needs you, and not have to concern herself beyond that.

 

None of that's intentionally malicious on her part in all likelihood, just different needs for different people. What complicates it on your end tho is once you tell her you want more, even if it's with the contingency that you're still satisfied with less if she doesn't want it, it's almost impossible to go back to what it was with the cat out of the bag. She'll always see you as the guy who's pining for her and no longer a safe haven.

[AGoodFriend]

There is a possibility that you two could be more than just BFF, definitely! There are few things you have to consider, however: the fact that she has a boyfriend and that you have been a BFF for so long.

 

You really want to be careful with this. In the past, you were wise enough to avoid trying anything for fear of becoming a rebound. Now, you are in the same situation again. I hope you can summon that past wisdom and apply it to this situation, though it seems that you have become even more attached.

 

It should help you to accept the situation in that she has a boyfriend and you truly don't believe it's mutual.

 

The best thing for you to do right now is to step back. Be honest with yourself. You fell in love with her. However, right now is simply not the time.

 

Should you tell her how you feel? I'd say go ahead with it. There is nothing wrong with telling her that you love have fallen for her and would like to be with her. Of course, after you say it, you let her live her life. Maybe one day she'll feel the same way, maybe not. But getting it off your chest would be a huge relief for you.

 

I've seen people in these situations. They always felt better after telling a crush or BFF how they truly felt, even though nothing ever came of it.

[Jeff28]

My gut reaction is that if you tried to broach the idea with her, she wouldn't react well - specifically bc you are that guy to her, her BFF or whatever. You're her go-to, her crutch, her emotional support. Some (many?) women like this type of friend, distinct from a lover.

 

The question then is how good is this for you personally. One of the reasons it's so good for her is the exact reason it's not good for you - the lack of that final obligation to intimacy (emotional or physical). She can essentially keep you in a box and take you out whenever she needs you, and not have to concern herself beyond that.

 

None of that's intentionally malicious on her part in all likelihood, just different needs for different people. What complicates it on your end tho is once you tell her you want more, even if it's with the contingency that you're still satisfied with less if she doesn't want it, it's almost impossible to go back to what it was with the cat out of the bag. She'll always see you as the guy who's pining for her and no longer a safe haven.

 

Thank you for giving me an honest take/gut reaction on the situation. Obviously its not what my heart wanted to hear.......when I try to think more logically about the situation I seem to think along the lines of what you said. Your feedback is much appreciated & I really needed to hear this.

 

I get it....its not malicious. I kinda think I allowed the relationship to establish like this way back when. No fault on either of us.....based on circumstances & how we felt it was a good match to be friends. I always liked being BFFs with her. She has been my go to as well for emotional support without having the relationship attachment. She also has been the best resource for advice with woman.

 

I really wish this didn't happen....I just HAD to fall in love with her. I guess looking back there was always something there but again circumstances & timing......never worked in my favor. I did truly become her BFF before I fell in love with her. I did really love her as a best friend at first & never wanted anything more than that. I don't know exactly how I let it happen but just being around her alot.....always talking to her since I moved back. I guess it was really only a matter of time.

 

This is going to be tough regardless of how I decide to take this. I really don't want her to think of me any different if I tell her how I feel. I think you are right......she won't react well & knowing that means I should keep things the way they are unless I sense something really changes. I really have to take a step back these next few days & try to really find out what I want or how I feel about this. If I stay course I really have to get my emotions in check & view her as my BFF. If I decide I need to say something I have to prepare for awkwardness & the potential loss of my BFF.

 

Its not only a problem now that I can't get my mind off her to date BUT the last girl I was kind of seeing wasn't a fan of her......it actually caused some issues because I truly believed she was jealous or felt threatened by the close friendship I have with my BFF.

 

Any advice for trying to move on? Just looking for some tips!

[Jeff28]

There is a possibility that you two could be more than just BFF, definitely! There are few things you have to consider, however: the fact that she has a boyfriend and that you have been a BFF for so long.

 

You really want to be careful with this. In the past, you were wise enough to avoid trying anything for fear of becoming a rebound. Now, you are in the same situation again. I hope you can summon that past wisdom and apply it to this situation, though it seems that you have become even more attached.

 

It should help you to accept the situation in that she has a boyfriend and you truly don't believe it's mutual.

 

The best thing for you to do right now is to step back. Be honest with yourself. You fell in love with her. However, right now is simply not the time.

 

Should you tell her how you feel? I'd say go ahead with it. There is nothing wrong with telling her that you love have fallen for her and would like to be with her. Of course, after you say it, you let her live her life. Maybe one day she'll feel the same way, maybe not. But getting it off your chest would be a huge relief for you.

 

I've seen people in these situations. They always felt better after telling a crush or BFF how they truly felt, even though nothing ever came of it.

 

I am afraid IF I say something the bond I have with her will deteriorate. If she didn't react & she didn't see me as anything else then a friend I would 100% let her live her life.

 

I probably would feel better initially but if our friendship deteriorated as a result I'd regret it.

 

It been a long time since I have been in an awkward painful love situation like this. I only once in my life dated a girl I became friends with first....I was 20 at the time...almost a decade ago! Sadly she wasn't the person I thought she was after being friends for a year.....it didn't work....I lost a friend and found out stuff about her personality I wish I didn't know. This is much worse since the length and degree of our friendship.

[Lokin4AReason]

its like walking on thin ice

 

either way its going to crack ( one way or another, as in someone will not like the end result )

 

me, I much rather be up front and be blunt about it ( and tell her at how I feel ). if she can handle it than she can. but if she cant, well, we all know that situation ( and its tough on both individuals )

 

just don't lie to yourself ( by hoping for something that will come or never will ) might as well get it over with and find out. if its meant to be or not IMO

[coryreply]

It's not easy to get out of the friend zone. It can be emotionally gut-wrenching.

 

Do you watch the American version of "The Office?" The way Jim got out of the friend zone with Pam is the only way I know that might actually work. You have to pull away from her and let her feel how much she misses you.

 

It's a huge risk because you put the friendship on the line. Here's the thing, the nature of your friendship will have to change eventually. When you finally settle down with a girl, she is not going to be cool with you chatting away with some other woman.

[Jeff28]

its like walking on thin ice

 

either way its going to crack ( one way or another, as in someone will not like the end result )

 

me, I much rather be up front and be blunt about it ( and tell her at how I feel ). if she can handle it than she can. but if she cant, well, we all know that situation ( and its tough on both individuals )

 

just don't lie to yourself ( by hoping for something that will come or never will ) might as well get it over with and find out. if its meant to be or not IMO

 

I really do feel like I am walking on thin ice with this. We actually hit up coffee this afternoon.....because of what has been going on feeling wise I was actually a little distant through out. It was noticeable because she asked me if everything was ok & if something was wrong. I just told her I wasn't having a great day but that wasn't it. I have to make sure I don't act like that again. She texted me an hour after with a funny joke & said she hopes I am doing better.

 

I feel like I am telling myself a lie & then I feel like I just need to accept being BFFs until things change and just move on with trying to meet other women. All I can say is I just feel hurt but nothing has happened to make me feel this way. Make any sense?

 

I have a few close friends that I have been bouncing this situation off of BUT i feel they just don't really get it.

 

I get needing to be upfront and blunt BUT I haven't decided if I really want to risk things because I just deep down inside know the timing is off & she won't react well. I guess I really need to figure out this before I proceed & just accept the consequences. Harder said than done.........

[Jeff28]

It's not easy to get out of the friend zone. It can be emotionally gut-wrenching.

 

Do you watch the American version of "The Office?" The way Jim got out of the friend zone with Pam is the only way I know that might actually work. You have to pull away from her and let her feel how much she misses you.

 

It's a huge risk because you put the friendship on the line. Here's the thing, the nature of your friendship will have to change eventually. When you finally settle down with a girl, she is not going to be cool with you chatting away with some other woman.

 

Never watched the office, what did he do? That was the term I was looking for in my initial post.....friendzoned. I willingly became friendzoned because of circumstances in the past but also because I loved her as a friend first......wanted to have her as a BFF....there were no feelings even remotely like this for years. I still don't get how or why I developed them......they have started to ruin this for me.

 

Its a huge risk & if I pull away its not going to work. She is going to call/text or stop by my apartment to find out what's wrong. We have set days we hang out every week....even a set sunday late night time we text/call before the week starts. She is going to immediately want to know what's going on.....why I am distant....am I ok....did she do something wrong. Its odd, I never had a friendship with a female develop like this. As I said I have been completely fine with this over the past year until I fell in love with her. I enjoyed having this type of friendship probably for the same reasons she enjoys it. And man have I fallen for her......

[coryreply]

Never watched the office, what did he do?

 

He disappeared out of her life (transferred to another branch, in another state). As soon as he left, she realized what she lost in him.

[Jeff28]

He disappeared out of her life (transferred to another branch, in another state). As soon as he left, she realized what she lost in him.

 

Ahh.....Interesting to know!

 

Yeah that isn't an option! I am going to try to distance myself a little from her next 5 days just to see how it goes....but I doubt this will work.

 

As I mentioned before she texts or talks to me daily......we hang out twice a week & have an extended talk session sunday night. Even when I have gotten busy in the past and wasn't texting her back as much or couldnt make it to hang out she immediately started with the "Are you alright" "Where is my BFF at these days" "Did I do or say something wrong" etc. Thinking about it is kind of weird because only girlfriends in the past would get like that with me....but I guess I just figure with you become a girl's BFF this is normal....maybe?

[Jeff28]

The more and more I think about things, it just seems clear at the current time I am nothing more than her BFF and sitting in the friendzone. Again this is exactly how I treated her initially....you could even say I placed her in a friendzone as well.

 

Sometimes this really hurts because its not easy to just turn feelings off, especially when its someone you talk to daily and see two or three times a week.....other times I feel ok about things knowing she's a best friend & thats not going to change regardless & I love having her as a best friend.

 

I really hate this situation at the end of the day but its probably in my best interest to try to get back into the dating game. It still hurts and is painful at times. I need to try and get to a point where I keep the door open for her in the future BUT not sit at that door & wait.....just harder said than done....any tips would be much appreciated....I know I just have to do this.

 

I just wonder is my BFF relationship with her normal??? Any woman out there with a guy BFF, do you text them or talk to them daily? Do you make it a point to hang out at least twice a week? (Sometimes its as much as 4 times). She even randomly buys me coffee or dinner & refuses to allow me to do the same.

Edited June 18, 2015 by Jeff28

[Thejerrybest]

The more and more I think about things, it just seems clear at the current time I am nothing more than her BFF and sitting in the friendzone. Again this is exactly how I treated her initially....you could even say I placed her in a friendzone as well.

 

Sometimes this really hurts because its not easy to just turn feelings off, especially when its someone you talk to daily and see two or three times a week.....other times I feel ok about things knowing she's a best friend & thats not going to change regardless & I love having her as a best friend.

 

I really hate this situation at the end of the day but its probably in my best interest to try to get back into the dating game. It still hurts and is painful at times. I need to try and get to a point where I keep the door open for her in the future BUT not sit at that door & wait.....just harder said than done....any tips would be much appreciated....I know I just have to do this.

 

I just wonder is my BFF relationship with her normal??? Any woman out there with a guy BFF, do you text them or talk to them daily? Do you make it a point to hang out at least twice a week? (Sometimes its as much as 4 times). She even randomly buys me coffee or dinner & refuses to allow me to do the same.

 

Jeff the only thing you can do is continue to be the great best friend in her life. I agree it does seem like she really enjoys your friendship alot esp talking and hanging with you. As long as she is "seeing her Ex BF" you are really placed into the BFF/friendzone. You have good direction with the keep the door open for her but move on strategy. That is all you can do.

 

I know personally it will be hard but the more you get back into dating and meeting new woman or hanging out with friends that are single, the better place you will be in. You can't live life on the sidelines. As far as advice, I can't really give you any on how to do this, but I feel you just have to make a strong effort.

 

It sounds like regardless she will always be a part of your life, you never know what the future holds. She could breakup with him, realize what she has in you and start something new with you. She could never break up with him or she could move on to a new guy. Maybe she will see you actively dating and she might get jealous and things go positive from there. The point is, you've got to live your life man! I feel you are not right now in your current state.

[Jeff28]

Jeff the only thing you can do is continue to be the great best friend in her life. I agree it does seem like she really enjoys your friendship alot esp talking and hanging with you. As long as she is "seeing her Ex BF" you are really placed into the BFF/friendzone. You have good direction with the keep the door open for her but move on strategy. That is all you can do.

 

I know personally it will be hard but the more you get back into dating and meeting new woman or hanging out with friends that are single, the better place you will be in. You can't live life on the sidelines. As far as advice, I can't really give you any on how to do this, but I feel you just have to make a strong effort.

 

It sounds like regardless she will always be a part of your life, you never know what the future holds. She could breakup with him, realize what she has in you and start something new with you. She could never break up with him or she could move on to a new guy. Maybe she will see you actively dating and she might get jealous and things go positive from there. The point is, you've got to live your life man! I feel you are not right now in your current state.

 

I have been working on trying to distance myself a little from her & I have been trying to get back into dating. Neither has worked yet BUT I am feeling a little better about things since I made this thread. Its still hard and I really, truly regret developing feelings for her. This is been harder than any woman situation I have ever been in.

 

Do you know what its like when you can't tell one of the closest friends in your life who you see/talk to daily how you really feel about them?

 

I agree with you Jerry......I have to do everything you said & I will get there. What makes this hard is the daily contact with her. Its like I am constantly reminded every day about these feelings. If I could get a few days without that....I'd recover faster. We meet up 3 days a week....we have text conversions everyday....we have what we call out fireside late night chat on sunday. This has been our best friend routine for months and months now.

 

I want to distance myself more BUT how can I do that based on our friendship level. I can't come straight out & say listen we have to cut off communication for a week or two so I can lessen the emotions & feelings I have for you. I don't want to also hurt our friendship.

[manfromthesouth]

I just wonder is my BFF relationship with her normal??? Any woman out there with a guy BFF, do you text them or talk to them daily? Do you make it a point to hang out at least twice a week? (Sometimes its as much as 4 times). She even randomly buys me coffee or dinner & refuses to allow me to do the same.

 

Hey, Jeff28

 

I'm a dude myself and so can't answer your question from a woman's point of view, but I was reading your story and wanted to chip in if I may.

 

I've kind of fallen for a friend recently and have to say that I feel for you right now. It can seriously suck to be in this position.

 

I, much like yourself, text this 'friend' of mine every day and see her almost every single day as well. I also ''suffer'' from the 'her buying me loads of coffee and stuff without ever allowing me to do the same' thing. I can relate to the daily reminder of the feelings that you refer to. Makes it very painful and I'm surprised by how well I think I'm doing at hiding it.

 

I've only known this girl for a few months though so have no idea how bad it might be should I allow this to go on for a much longer period and nothing happen. I feel for you in that regard.

 

I'd thought about doing the whole ''distance myself and live my life'' strategy recently but wimped out at the opportunity to see her today and we have plans to meet up again tomorrow.

 

Why do we crucify ourselves in this way??

 

Really sorry I can't help. Just wanted you to know that there is another out there suffering with this too.

 

Best of luck with whatever happens.

[Jeff28]

So I actually had been doing pretty well with the whole "the time is not right" and "let's get back to dating" mindset last few days.

 

Then this morning we grabbed coffee & had what I would call a pretty normal conversation. Many talked about career plans, etc. Then when we were leaving, she gave me a very long, deep hug......completely out of character.....ran her hand down my arm and kissed me on the cheek.....then she smiled and walked away. Quick hugs are common BUT this is definitely not.........it makes me thing & wonder. It draws me back into this again....sigh...I really hate this situation!

 

I also have talked to two close friends I can trust not saying anything....both really didn't give me any sounds advice.

Edited June 23, 2015 by Jeff28

[PaperCrane]

“Of all evil I deem you capable: Therefore I want good from you. Verily, I have often laughed at the weaklings who thought themselves good because they had no claws.”

― Friedrich Nietzsche

 

 

Go for what you want. Would you rather this mess become a trainwreck rather than a simple fender bender?

[Jeff28]

― Friedrich Nietzsche

 

 

Go for what you want. Would you rather this mess become a trainwreck rather than a simple fender bender?

 

I just know I am her "go to guy" and best friend......I am not going to turn this into an awkward friendship.

 

Two things have happened. I went out on a date yesterday and I just wasn't into this girl. I told my BFF about the date saying I didn't connect and she responded saying not to worry, she would help me and make sure I find a really good woman and that she had two single friends she really wanted me to meet. She said she wants to see me happy with an amazing girl that also fits her standards. Very odd thing for her to say that who I date should meet her standards.

 

So.........I am going to working in dating again and keep her as my BFF. I think for now it's the best course of action.......things could change in the future for us BUT I can not wait for something that may never happen. It's getting easier anyway for me I deal with this.

 

If she was into me past a friend she would have not offered to set me up with single woman that meet her standards

[PaperCrane]

Good luck. This is a hard path.

[Jeff28]

Good luck. This is a hard path.

 

It is indeed hard but I think the worst thing I could do is continue to stall in life over this. I know I will have my days this bothers me BUT I need to get back to meeting more woman & as I said the worst case scenario is we continue our super close friendship.

 

I will always hold out hope thing change in the future BUT I am not going to live my life resting solely on that hope.

[Highlow]

Just read through your entire thread and I have to say this is what I am afraid of happening with my situation. The girl I have started to fall for is a best friend of 3 years. We have a similar friendship except we don't text or hang out as much as you and your BFF do.

 

It sounds like you are headed in the right direction but I hope regardless things work out for you, it is no fun at all going through this. Why do we put ourselves through this pain?? Sometimes I wonder lol!

 

My and this best friend of mine have a set day/time each week were we meet up, and we usually spend a lot of the time talking about things going on in our life and try to offer advice to each other. Its actually on these occasions it made me realize I really care for it. That is how it all started, and its started to go downhill for me since then.

 

Its a tough situation like yours but I am noticing more and more it is very difficult and painful to try and move a platonic relationship into a intimate relationship. Its like when you become friends and are strictly platonic these these invisible boundaries exist. No one actually specifically made them but they somehow just get established at some point early on. You can't see them but you know if you cross it, it could get awkward, uncomfortable and hurt the friendship. I know when my last relationship ended, I was a wreck and she was there for me giving me emotional support when I was in a vulnerable and hurt state. Some girls may have taken advantage of me in that state to try and date me or form a relationship. But with her, it was never a worry.

 

I wish you all the luck with things, hope everything in the end works out!

[casey.lives]

tell him.. you are no longer his best friend when you have your own agenda .. you are a contender for his love.

[Jeff28]

I figured I would just give an update to my situation, especially for those that offered advice, feedback and a take on my situation. Those who commented on here really did help, can't thank all of you enough!

 

My BFF is still on and off seeing her ex boyfriend......they still have fights every other week AND its not a healthy relationship. Despite me even suggesting it might not be worth it for her to keep going on like this with him.....she still is.

 

We still text or talk daily....still catch each other out 2-3 times a week....still have our sunday night phone chat. Nothing has changed on that front or with our best friendship.

 

I have tried to get back into dating AND have recently met a girl that has most definitely got my interest. Despite still having feelings for my BFF...the timing is wrong...I am in the friendzone...its not going to change regardless of what I do in the short term. There are still times where it upsets me and I guess that is completely normal BUT I have felt much better about this whole thing since I first made this thread. I have just accepted this for now and I am working on bettering some aspect of my life and just putting myself out there with meeting new girls!

 

I will always be there for her and if she break ups for good with this ex (which I suspect may happen within the next few months)...I will be there for her objectively and will sideline my feelings. Once things have calmed down I'll try to get bold with sharing my feelings with her.

 

Can't live my life though now on the sideline AND I've at least met someone I am interested in enough to make me pursue with more dating.

 

Not a defeat....Not a victory....somewhere in between!

Edited July 4, 2015 by Jeff28

[sunglasses]

I was in this situation a while back. She ended up realizing how bad the guy was for her, dumped him, and we got together.

[ladybug3]

Good luck with your situation. I have been browsing through other posters' posts here looking for some guidance myself, only in a little bit of a different situation.

 

My BFF has been my BFF for 40 years, we grew up together. We have seen each other through the good times, the bad, at our best and and our worse. We have been there through dating, breakups, (not ours) marriages and divorces and marriages Part 2.

 

He confessed to me 1 year and 3 months ago that he loves me. Duh, I knew that, I love him too, always have. But NOOOOOOO, he confessed to me that he LOVES me, as in, loves me more than a BFF and always has, since we met at the age of 8 even if it was only puppy love way back then. He told me he was just too much of a coward to ever tell me because he valued our friendship way too much to put it in jeopardy and would rather have me as BFF than not have me at all. He said he promised himself that he would take that secret to his grave. But.

 

We ran into each other after a very long extended period of time of not seeing/talking to each other because of certain circumstances (long story) and he blurted it out. He told me he just couldn't keep it inside anymore.

 

After many hours of texting, meeting and talking, hanging out together and so on, we began an affair. Not going into details ATM, but let's just say that if I could have a do-over, I would have done things differently. Our friendship is on the rocks at the moment. We have said things to each other that we have never said to each other in all the years we have known each other, hurtful, angry, shocking, disgusting....you get the gist. I wish we had never acted on the things we discussed. Its a total mess and I don't think it can or will ever go back to the way it was. If you really value her as your BFF, then maybe think long and hard before taking any actions that might potentially ruin that. BFFs are hard to come by.