First love lost. Worth trying to fix it?

[Augman]

Hi everyone, as I always say, this is a great website full of great people, hopefully I can get some insight on a hectic time for me.

 

*First off, I'd like to say we are young. I am 19, my "ex" is 18 as of today*

 

Story of us (short version):

 

About a year ago I began talking to a younger girl than me. The moment we met it was fireworks. Instant attraction that I've never felt before. A month of hanging out as friends I kissed her and told her I was interested, a month after that we were exclusive and having am amazing time. A month into our relationship we got intimate for the first time. We've had a billion firsts together as she was constricted by her parents household. She moved out and for the first time felt free. The relationship was fantastic. I spent the night at her place where she lived with her sister and her sister's fiance. They loved me and let me spend the night with her anytime I wanted, which was usually about 3 or 4 days out of the week. We went on constant dates, were very passionate and were intimate with each-other most nights we spent together. After everything, I love this girl to death and started thinking about having her as my first girlfriend to have a real possible future with.

 

The issues (short version):

As any relationship there were plenty of bumps along the way. A month into the relationship I learned about a previous friend with benefits that she still associated with.

-I became very paranoid. throughout the relationship I had issues with paranoia carried over from past relationships.

-She had a hard time telling the truth. Seriously, she was raised in a household where lying was SO normal that my girlfriend lied about so many pointless little things that didn't even matter, but I caught her most times, and she had been working on getting better for the better half of the relationship.

-She had plenty of flirty text talks with other guys which never turned physical. She would text guys flirtatiously and I found messages of her asked another guy to come over to "cuddle." She would quickly defend any flirtatious talks she had with reasoning like "It was never going to happen, he was out of state and I knew it" and I even caught her "playing" with other guys and leading them on, but she always played stupid and said she didn't realize what she was doing or the guy's intentions. I got angry a lot of the times it happened, but I never broke off the relationship because it never lead to anything physical happening with another guy, however, that problem of hers combined with her lying issue threw my paranoia on a death spiral mentally.

- My paranoia had me needing to know where she was at all times. I was always leery of who she hung out with, had her let me know, and would periodically call her if she was out. My paranoia drove me crazy because of her lying and text cheating. She would tell me I was being controlling, and seeing as she finally got out of her controlling house, I understand her NEED to feel free and do whatever she wants, but explained it doesn't 100% work like that when in a relationship.

-We are both very stubborn people.

-She is immature and doesn't know what she wants 100%, just like any 18 year old girl who just moved out.

 

The first reconciliation:

7 months into our relationship ( two months ago) she said she wanted to end things because she realized how immature she was being, and needed a break from the emotional roller-coaster that the relationship was causing, but wanted to try again when she had grown up and made it through a portion of college (2 years down the road). I thought it was noble of her to see how she was acting, but I told her there was no way in hell I was putting my dating life on hold for 2 years until we grew up. The very next day she told me that if I wasn't going to wait, that she couldn't lose me. We reconciled and tried to work on the relationship issues we had. (mostly her lying, and my paranoia/controlling qualities.

 

Recent issues/Break-up:

I started getting extreme anxiety attacks which most of my family has been having for years and is an issue we have all had to cope with. I believe it's hereditary, but I never read into it. One night, My gf's friend was having a baby and it ruined our long awaited night together (it had been a busy week and hadn't gotten time together really). I drove her a long ways to the hospital, and expected to see her later around midnight. The baby ended up coming late and she didn't get home until 7am. In that time period I had an anxiety attack with her being there so late and I turned very mean and selfish, accusing her of not caring about me and just overall being a terrible person to her the entire night. I ended up getting so upset that I hurt myself, got pissed, hurt myself some more, damaged things, it was the worst anxiety attack I had in my life. She put her foot down, said that if I ever hurt myself again that we would be over. Everything she said made sense, and I didn't fight any of it. I acted so incredibly irrationally even as i've always thought of myself as such a straight arrow. I put effort in to fix things. I told my entire immediate family and friends what had happened, got advice, and signed up for one visit with a counselor to talk it over. the week following, she became incredibly distant. We were intimate maybe only a couple times that week, one time of which we just got tired of arguing and said "you know what, lets just make love and go to sleep because this arguing is getting to be too much" (it was late). She shut down, wouldn't talk to me about our issues, wouldn't tell me where she was and changed her phone password. She hid everything from me, isolated her feelings and thoughts, and started telling me how she thought we lost our passion, and that we weren't happy. The entire week following I dedicated myself to show her how much I cared. I picked her up from work just to take her dancing in the rain in the middle of an empty parking lot at dark, took her out to eat, brought her little surprise gifts. I drove out to her place early in the morning just to make her some breakfast before I worked. The whole nine yards...

 

Well, at the end of that week she messaged me and said (VIA TEXT) she thought about it a while, and couldn't do it anymore. She said it was over, goodbye, and that she would pack all of my things from her place and have a mutual friend deliver it all to me. Just like that. Via text she wanted nothing to do with me. Her sister and her sister's fiance (who are 23 and 30 years old) were very upset with her about the situation. They invited me over because they cared about me and thought of me as family, so they wanted to be there for me to comfort just like they are for her. When I arrived she said nothing to me and had a friend pick her up to spend the night elsewhere to avoid me. I did something bad that night I spent over there with her family. I went on her laptop skype and looked at her messages. She had messaged a guy and they were flirting things like "I want to kiss you all over". the messages were from the beginning of that week I was doing everything I could to show her I loved her, so it hurt. She started talking to me a bit, but nothing about the relationship, only small talk, or else she wouldn't respond. I confronted her about the messages a couple days ago, and now she is beyond pissed at me for invading her privacy. It is understandable. She went through and removed every facebook photo tag within the last 9 months together (which was a LOT) deleted me from skype, and erased pretty much every trace of our 9 months together. She will talk to me only via messenger and text, and will ignore me if anything is said about the relationship.

 

I am so unbelievably attached to this girl. She was my first time being intimate, and first everything. I loved her more than anything and have done/would do anything to compromise in the relationship and resolve issues. I feel like a part of me is gone without her. She would just run and jump on me and cling to me every day, then, just like that... poof. gone. Is there any salvaging ANYTHING? it has only actually been a little under a week since it ended, and I tried to give her a bit of space (which is VERY hard when you have talked to that person at the very least a few times per day for the last 9 months. What might be her reasoning? What might be her thinking? She is thinking irrationally and I'm not sure what to think because even a couple weeks ago we discussed our future, how long she was willing to wait before marriage, etc etc...

 

I talk to her sister often and she says she is just being "stubborn, mean, stupid, immature, overdramatic, etc... all words her sister used.

 

Again, I know it has only been a short while, but I don't see myself letting go of her. It's disgusting to even think of making love to anyone else when she's the only one I ever have, and planned to. I saved that for someone I thought had a chance at being my wife. What do I do? Is there any chance of salvaging it? how to cope in the meantime or permanently?

 

Thanks everyone, And yes, I fully realize 90% of you will answer to just move on regardless of how hard it seems.

[La.Primavera]

I'm sorry to break it to you but there is nothing worth salvaging here. This relationship turned toxic. She has already moved on by the sound of it. For the sake of your sanity, let her go.

 

I'm sure it will be very hard for you to let go but I promise once you move on and meet someone else you will look back at this relationship and see what a negative effect it had on your mental health. The right girl for you would not be messaging other guys like that. You can do better.

 

Time to take care of yourself.

[coryreply]

From what you've shared, she is nowhere near ready to be in a committed relationship.