My wife wants a divorce, I don't. What's next?

[d0nnivain]

I don't think it will work but write her an apology love letter. Remind her of your wedding vows. Do not beg & plead but take responsibility for your actions. Get all the booze & beer & anything else out of your house. The letter I'm thinking of is not the typical whiney garbage its more of a written pledge:

 

Dear Wife:

 

I heard you when you said you wanted a divorce and I now realize that I have hurt you deeply over the years. First, know I am very sorry. Second, I am working to change. For most people, you have to hit rock bottom before you can dig your way out. For me, losing you is my rock bottom.

 

So

here it is. To show you how committed I am to you, our marriage and our son, I have thrown out all the alcohol in our house. I have an appointment for individual counseling and anger management on ___ [fill in date] with ____ [insert name of therapist]. I am also going to AA meetings on ____ [insert day of the week].

 

When we got married we both promised for better or worse, in sickness and in health and in good times and bad. I am truly sorry that there has been more bad then good, but please give me the chance to show you that I can be the man you need, the man you fell in love with.

 

Here's a list of 3-4 marriage counselors in our area. Please pick whichever one you think would work best for you and make an appointment for us to start marriage counseling. I am willing to work to keep our family together. Please give me the chance to win you back.

 

I love you with all my heart.

 

Love, Billybojim

Do NOT use my exact words because I never met you or your wife. The above is an example.

 

Again, I'm pretty sure it won't change her mind because this has been coming for longer than 5 months. If she says she is done & has no feelings for you, it's because over time her heart has been broken so many times it's practically turned to stone. I know that is how I felt when I ended a relationship with a man I lived with for 10 years. I was just done & had nothing left. All his efforts to win me back fell on deaf ears because I was so resentful that it took Armageddon to make him see what he was losing.

[loveboid]

I think you both should attend Adult Children of Alcoholics and read up on it. I suspect there is alcoholism somewhere in both your family trees. I also suspect you drank to excess before your recent binge.

[Methodical]

Things were good until 5 months ago I started drinking and would be very mean. I stopped 3 months ago and have bent over backwards kissing her butt trying to make it work but we seem to get into a pretty big argument each weekend or I brag about how much money I make and then I've told her she's all about money.

 

I'll admit. I've been a fool but things were pretty happy before all of this and before o got this ego. I'm confident I can find somebody else but she truly is quite amazing. I've tried begging and crying and that just seemed to piss her off. When I try to talk to her she just says we won't stop arguing and to give up and leave her alone.

 

What do I do? I'm willing to work very hard and endure all the pain in the world to make this work. My family loves her and I love her. She doesn't have much in terms of support or family outside or my, my son, and my parents though.

 

From several of your posts, you have an issue with financial status. "$3500 mattress, credit cards and vehicles are in my name." You are the one all about the money.

 

The last sentence is telling. If she doesn't have much, other than her child, you, and your family, and she wants out, knowing she doesn't have a support system, you took her to the point of no return.

 

 

We have a great child together and she has been the best wife and mother you could ask for. I accepted her family and they are really weird and none of them have jobs or anything.

 

I've never drank heavily until about 5 months ago and I drank heavily for 2 months straight. I called her names and was mean apparently. I've been controlling and manipulative. I stopped drinking but I could tell her feelings were gone. I've spent 3 months trying to make it work but we end up arguing because I'm too pushy or don't give her space. I don't drink.

 

I am a really good guy and I care a lot. I'm 100% committed to Fixing this no matter how hard it is or how much pain I must ensure. I don't want to make our little family go through the pain of divorce and I want to make my wife happy. I start counseling on Thursday.

Anything else I can do? I really haven't had a drinking problem except that brief period after I turned 30 where I wished I was young again. My wife and I together 11 years and married 8

 

Again, you berated and belittled her until she decided 'no more, I deserve better.' I agree with the "too little, too late."

 

In one breath you say you have been kissing butt for three months, and in the next you admit to being too pushy and argumentative.

 

Counseling will show effort but I think she needs the space she's asking for. Drinking isn't the only issue here, there's financial, manipulative, and berating issues as well.

[Billybojim]

She asked me for another child every day for 3 years and I just put it off and put it off. Now she tells me she doesn't want bother one anytime soon. That's before she said she was leaving yesterday

[d0nnivain]

See this has been going on for more than 5 months. From her perspective you have rejected her for 3 years. You certainly can't bring another child into this mess at this point. You need to fix it or let her go.

[Billybojim]

At the same time I was drinking I got a puppy when she didn't really want me to but she went along with it.

 

I just feel like I've screwed up so bad. I will keep you all posted, hopefully this works out for the best. I am going to give her the space she needs and not bother her. Just let her know I start counseling Thursday and leave it at they. I'll help out more around the house and start picking up my son from school and dropping him off a few days of the week too.

[Billybojim]

I don't think it will work but write her an apology love letter. Remind her of your wedding vows. Do not beg & plead but take responsibility for your actions. Get all the booze & beer & anything else out of your house. The letter I'm thinking of is not the typical whiney garbage its more of a written pledge:

 

Dear Wife:

 

I heard you when you said you wanted a divorce and I now realize that I have hurt you deeply over the years. First, know I am very sorry. Second, I am working to change. For most people, you have to hit rock bottom before you can dig your way out. For me, losing you is my rock bottom.

 

So

here it is. To show you how committed I am to you, our marriage and our son, I have thrown out all the alcohol in our house. I have an appointment for individual counseling and anger management on ___ [fill in date] with ____ [insert name of therapist]. I am also going to AA meetings on ____ [insert day of the week].

 

When we got married we both promised for better or worse, in sickness and in health and in good times and bad. I am truly sorry that there has been more bad then good, but please give me the chance to show you that I can be the man you need, the man you fell in love with.

 

Here's a list of 3-4 marriage counselors in our area. Please pick whichever one you think would work best for you and make an appointment for us to start marriage counseling. I am willing to work to keep our family together. Please give me the chance to win you back.

 

I love you with all my heart.

 

Love, Billybojim

Do NOT use my exact words because I never met you or your wife. The above is an example.

 

Again, I'm pretty sure it won't change her mind because this has been coming for longer than 5 months. If she says she is done & has no feelings for you, it's because over time her heart has been broken so many times it's practically turned to stone. I know that is how I felt when I ended a relationship with a man I lived with for 10 years. I was just done & had nothing left. All his efforts to win me back fell on deaf ears because I was so resentful that it took Armageddon to make him see what he was losing.

 

The letter didn't go well. She just said " sorry I can't."

[TaraMaiden2]

d0nnivain gave you that letter less than 2 hours ago... you already gave it to her, and you already got a response....?

[d0nnivain]

The letter didn't go well. She just said " sorry I can't."

 

Did you hand write it or send it to her via e-mail? there is a difference. One takes time & shows caring. The other is cut & paste hatchet job. You can't undo it now.

 

However, you need to start realizing that she may simply be done. You therefore need to find a way to accept your new reality: that you are about to be divorced. In addition to getting counseling, you need to speak to an attorney about things like custody & equitable distribution.

[sandylee1]

It sounds like she's well and truly done . Sometimes in life we don't realise what a good thing we've got till it's pretty much gone.

 

The hurt you've cause has made her fall out of love realise she deserves better.

 

A little advice for your next relationship , don't be so controlling. It's all about the money with you and from personal experience, that's very hurtful.

 

Hopefully you can coparent well.

 

BTW - getting a dog she wasn't in favour of, after refusing to have a child wasn't very nice . I'm not comparing animals to humans , but you didn't treat her as an equal in your marriage .

[TaraMaiden2]

d0nnivain gave you that letter less than 2 hours ago... you already gave it to her, and you already got a response....?

 

Furthermore, you posted this, this morning,....

 

Alright. I will call counseling tomorrow and start ASAP.

 

...and now....

 

I'm 100% committed to Fixing this no matter how hard it is or how much pain I must ensure. I don't want to make our little family go through the pain of divorce and I want to make my wife happy. I start counseling on Thursday.

 

You move very fast.....

[Billybojim]

. She really is my life. I don't know what to do without her. She really had motivated me and she is the reason I work hard and get out of bed in the morning. I just want to go crawl under a rock.

[Sameold]

Not playing devils advocat here but have you considered she might be seeing someone else or have started making an emotional attachment to another man?

 

Has your past behaviour highlighted the qualities a new relationship could bring her?

[Billybojim]

She left me for like two months during the pregnancy and left me for two months when we dated previously. When I gave her space she always seemed to come back to me. It's so hard though because I feel so much pain without her.

[Billybojim]

Not playing devils advocat here but have you considered she might be seeing someone else or have started making an emotional attachment to another man?

 

Has your past behaviour highlighted the qualities a new relationship could bring her?

 

I suppose that's possible but I highly doubt it. We typically spend ALOT of time together so I don't see how she would have time. I also check her phone and FB.

[TaraMaiden2]

You check her FB and phone...?

Does she know this?

And she lets you?

 

Round here, we call that an invasion of privacy.... that's not on, buddy....

[LivingWaterPlease]

Billybojim, first off I want to commend you for your desire to change and do right by your wife!

 

You write about having made mistakes and seem to me to have a great attitude!

 

I also want to commend you for speaking kindly about your wife on LS. That's impressive, to me, as your wife is human and has also made mistakes that have contributed to your problems. The way I know this is because all humans make mistakes and your wife is no different than others. However, you don't mention them, but rather focus on getting your own life in order.

 

You have a lot going for you in that your wife is still living in your home and you two are still communicating.

 

It's wonderful to read that you're going to get counseling!

 

I have two ideas for you. The first is that you get a book called The Five Love Languages. I'm not sure who wrote it. But, basically it will help you learn how to communicate your love to your wife in ways she'll understand and value.

 

The second idea is rather vague but I believe you may be able to use it. Years ago when going through my separation I heard a radio program on Focus on the Family about how to bring your spouse back when only one of you wants to save the marriage. I didn't buy the book (obviously, lol) but always wish I had done it. You can google Focus on the Family, contact them, and ask them the name of the book. They may also have other resources to suggest to you. They're great people!

 

I'm wishing you the best. You're young and have a lot to learn but the great thing is that, unlike some people, you're willing to learn! That's fantastic!

 

I'll be praying for you and your wife.

[LoveMyCat]

Has she asked you to move out? If she does, will you? It sounds like she may be unable to move...does she still have a good job? If she does and she wants the marriage to be over, she probably should move and file for divorce. But she may get the house anyway if she gets primary custody.

 

I think it is awkward and unhealthy to live together if the marriage is truly over for one person at least. No hope of moving forward, starting a new life, etc. and if she does not want you there, you are not even giving her a chance to miss you, which could happen if she was on her own for a while.

 

But things sound pretty dire. Whatever your "mid-life crisis" was about, may have spoiled things beyond repair. If she says she is done...believe her. Most women with a young child are not in a hurry to end a marriage unless they really want out.

[Sameold]

I note this mid-life crisis/alcohol binge seems to be the main issue. I'd suggest that overall your wife is no longer happy being with you emotionally or sexually, due to this she wants out.

 

Yours wouldn't be the first marriage to end and whilst I commend you for trying to fix it you can only do so much. She may very well have numerous reasons for why it is over, unfortunately as the dumpee you'll only ever know what she tells you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I really haven't had a drinking problem except that brief period after I turned 30 where I wished I was young again.

 

You kind of glossed over this, "I wished I was young again" sounds like "I want to be single". As a spouse, pretty difficult message to receive.

 

A long history of careless and hurtful behavior can't be undone in a few months. You don't seem to fully understand cause and effect in relationships and any awakening faces an uphill battle with a skeptical and resentful partner.

 

In short, your options are pretty limited...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Billybojim]

You kind of glossed over this, "I wished I was young again" sounds like "I want to be single". As a spouse, pretty difficult message to receive.

 

A long history of careless and hurtful behavior can't be undone in a few months. You don't seem to fully understand cause and effect in relationships and any awakening faces an uphill battle with a skeptical and resentful partner.

 

In short, your options are pretty limited...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

How would you proceed?

[Billybojim]

I really think I have a chance to work this out. She at least talks to me even if it's not always what I want to hear.

[TaraMaiden2]

I really think I have a chance to work this out. She at least talks to me even if it's not always what I want to hear.

 

Currently, what you think, and what she thinks, are different.

 

And whatever you think, whatever you do and whatever you say, are all utterly pointless if she won't listen, or get on board.

 

I've said this before:

 

Finding the problem, is not the same as finding the solution.

Finding the problem may be easy.

THEN implementing the solution is where the hard work begins.

 

And you can't want to fix things for her, if she won't be willing to fix things too.

[fireflywy]

I offered to sleep on the couch several times. I feel bad too because we have like a $3500 queen, memory foam, micro fiber, gel mattress. The couch is pretty old.

 

I can't just give up. I believe in this and in her. She has made me want to be a better person and done so much for me. I don't think counseling is an option at the moment.

 

She says I don't listen and all that typical stuff. Any advice to help me change for her?

 

Wow. You're about to lose your wife and your crying about a couch?

 

Man up already. Drop off the ego, tell her what you said in your second sentence, and fight.

[coryreply]

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. Divorce is such a painful experience. I pray you and your wife can avoid it and get things back on track.

 

I apologize if this question has already been addressed but, have you guys tried marriage counseling at all? How do you think she would respond if you brought it up to her?