If you Won't have sex with your spouse, you might as well expect them to cheat.

[FolderWife]

My husband watches porn...if you haven't read about it on here yet, then you haven't been here very long. He watches porn and then doesn't want to or can not have sex with me.

 

There is this guy that has come in my life. This guy wants me. This guy makes me feel sexy. I became horny (not because of him, but because I hadn't had sex in a while) and I caught myself fantasizing about this other guy.

 

I had sex with my husband last night, and although the sex wasn't very good, this guy that was in my fantasies isn't there any more. This time last week, I was horny. My husband wasn't interested. I started thinking about the other guy. My husband and I finally had sex, and the other guy was instantly out of my head.

 

So I don't WANT to cheat on my husband, and I don't not love my husband, but my sexual needs weren't being met by my husband, and this guy was exciting and sexy, and so my mind started to think that if I couldn't get it at home, then maybe I could get it somewhere else.

 

But once I had sex with my husband, I didn't/don't think about this guy any more. He doesn't even cross my mind.

 

So from now on, I'll think twice before denying my husband if he's coming on to me. I'm not saying that if you don't sleep with your spouse that they have a RIGHT to cheat on you. I am NOT saying that at all. What I am saying is that the urge to cheat, and the attraction to someone else is not even there for me unless my husband is denying me sex or affection.

 

So to all who think everything is ok, but they are too tired or they have a headache, or whatever, just be careful. Be aware that for every time you turn your husband or wife down, there's someone out there that's propositioning them, and a proposition from an attractive person gets harder and harder to turn down the more that your spouse is ignoring your needs.

 

Not that this is a REASON to cheat. There is no reason to cheat. You never have a right to cheat. But nature is nature. When you have the urge to pee, you pee. When you have the urge to eat, you eat. When you have the urge to have sex, you have sex. If your spouse is denying your hunger all the time...you may find somewhere else to eat.

 

Just be careful.

[TUDOR]

Well said Monday!

[Fester Lungblood]

Monday, Monday...can't trust that day.

[CurlyIam]

No, Monday, you're wrong. If I'm married, I expect my hubby to tell me about the hot shots at the office and not to give off "the signal". If he's flirting, it's bad! It's like a bomb waiting to explode.

 

If he's not telling, he's merely waiting for a chance. For an occasion. Relationships get stuck all the times. they're never blue skies and smooth sailing. And if he's wiling to give us up at the first rough spot... then he shouldn't have married me in the first place.

 

I used to think that all men were like that and be a bit jaded. LucreziaBorgia told me that there are 2 types of men: the ones who stopped looking and the ones who didn't stop looking.

 

 

I want my man to stop looking or at least respect me enough to tell me if he's being tempted. So no, if I actally have a headacke one night and reject my man, I won't be expecting him to be banging someone else!

[Cecelius]

I think Monday is right.

 

Of course, I think we should pay criminals not to commit crimes. I mean, their needs for cash aren't being met, they will turn to robbing people...

[FolderWife]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

if he's wiling to give us up at the first rough spot... then he shouldn't have married me in the first place.

 

I absolutely agree with that. I wasn't tempted the first time my husband turned me down, or the second, or the hundreth, or the thousandth....

 

But now, after two years of being denied, and fighting for my rights as his wife, and being promised that I would be chosen over porn, and then being lied to again and again and again, and being turned down again and again and again, and then finding out that he's getting off without me again and again and again, my eyes started to WANDER.

 

Then, when he'd finally sleep with me, my eyes went right back into my head.

 

It didn't happen over night. I didn't decide to have these feelings. I didn't give up on him. There's just so much a person can take before they start weighing their options, and if you turn your spouse down regularly, then don't expect them not to look elsewhere.

[FolderWife]

You can't marry someone, and say, "From now on, I'm the ONLY person that you have sex with," and then not have sex with them. That's like saying, "From now on, you can only eat my cooking," and then never cook! Ther person would starve!

[TUDOR]

Seriously, making the commitment to forsake all others and only be with your spouse is such a big thing and one of the biggest gestures of your love you can ever give some one. I'm with you Monday. If you are willing to give that to him and then he insists on leaving you high and dry then its time to move on or tell him he is falling down on his part of the deal and there are many men out there that want the job!!

[UCFKevin]

Very well said.

 

Anyone who uses sex, or lackthereof, as a weapon, will have it blow up in their face. Figuratively speaking.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Monday

You can't marry someone, and say, "From now on, I'm the ONLY person that you have sex with," and then not have sex with them. That's like saying, "From now on, you can only eat my cooking," and then never cook! Ther person would starve!

 

Part of the reason I split up with my ex/husband was the lack of affection and attention from him. Turns out he had other things on his mind (namely that he was going to prison for growing pot), but I didn't cheat on him. I just left him. Or rather, kicked him out of my house in his time of need because he couldn't express his needs to me in an appropriate fashion.

[FolderWife]

yes....divorce or breaking up is the more mature thing to do.

 

If I ever slip and have sex with someone else, I'll admit to myself that it just isn't working, and I'll leave him.

[TUDOR]

Originally posted by Monday

yes....divorce or breaking up is the more mature thing to do.

 

If I ever slip and have sex with someone else, I'll admit to myself that it just isn't working, and I'll leave him.

 

You say that now, but if you look around the board it doesn't always work out that way.

[StillHurtin]

Hmmm, in away I have to agree, in away I have to disagree. I turned down my H for sex a lot in the past b/c I was just exhausted from working 10-12 hours a day, plus raising our kids, doing housework, cleaning, ect. H got it at least once a week though so he wasn't starved for sex. Since I wasn't sleeping w/ him as much as he wanted he found it elsewhere.

 

H has turned me down for sex several times, but I would never, ever go find it from someone else. Not getting laid as much as I want is bad, but going out and getting it from someone else is even worse. I look at other guys and think they are sexy or good looking but I would never sleep w/ anyone else. My H looks at women when he sees a good looking one walk by. We are married, not dead. Even my parent's look at good looking ppl who walk past and they have been happily married of almost 50 years.

[Moose]

Stay strong Monday......I know it's hard in your position....

People don't have affairs because of unment needs. People have affairs because of weaknesses and and a lack of healthy personal (and marital) boundaries.

Another case of bullshytanitous..(copyright reserved, Moose).......that's my opinion........another one is that it's the mixture of the two, not one or the other. Also.....2long.....it's obvious that you don't know Monday's story.....(took me a while to understand where she's coming from)......so let's not be hasty in judging people......she's a lot further from infidelity than her husband. Respect needs to flow equally both ways......people.

[Fun2BMe]

2long, I feel like I am in the situation your wife was in that lead to her affair. My bf oftentimes turns me down for sex or else does it in a selfish way where it is all about him and his d*** getting off. I am so sick of it.

 

I have brought it up bits and pieces of the problems I have with it now and then, including a few days ago and things have not changed.

 

It USED to be better in the beginning, but over the years it is sh** and recently I get yeast infections because of him so that is the final sign that I need to be getting my sexual needs met by someone else who will take my body into more consideration instead of making me feel deprived and neglected.

 

The past couple of weeks I am thinking more and more seriously of cheating to get my sexual needs met. There is an attractive man at work who has indicated his interest in me. I have made it clear in the past that I was not available, but now I am thinking of getting together with him. He makes me feel sexy and desired and wanted sexually. I get my other needs met by my bf so when a man is expressing a sexual desire towards me, I am now beginning to respond.

 

I blame my bf 99% if I end up cheating because it will be his fault and I know I am going to end up hating myself for it. What else can I do? It was your fault that your wife was having an affair too.

 

Monday, I think you too should get your sexual needs met with another man if your husband is busy getting off by watching other women. I would never ever have thought that I'd ever think this way.

 

I know it is a target for attack by almost everyone, but you don't know what it's like until you're in a situation when the person you love doesn't satisfy you sexually and after YEARS of it and expressing it, it doesn't change, so I'm at the point where I'm thinking "f*** it'. Sorry I'm so angry right now.

 

I wish more partners would take responsibility for their loved one's affairs when the fault can be traced back to them. I should have been provided a disclaimer stating "good sex is only temporary, expect hell after the first few months we're together"

[Devildog]

Personally, when I was in this situation, I didn't cheat. The thought wasn't even in my mind to cheat. But that is me. After my experience, I don't know that I could fault someone who did get a case of wandering eyes with something like this.

 

For the last 3 years of my 5 year marriage I had no sex life to speak of. For 8 months everytime I tried to initiate sex I was rejected. Everytime. Always some excuse. Her back hurt, her shoulder hurt, her hips hurt, her stomach hurt, she had a headache. Then she started to give me the excuses before we even went to bed. Basically it was like she was saying "unless you are an insensitive jerk, don't even think about it". So after that I stopped trying to initiate. Constant rejection by your spouse hurts. So it became a once every other week thing, if I was lucky. More likely it was once a month. Imagine, married for 2-3 years and already having sex only once a month! And then 90% of the time it was like my XW was saying "I have a moral obligation to do this, so just do it and leave me alone". No foreplay, no feeling desired or wanted, "just do it and get off of me". Or if there was foreplay, it was all about her. Me eating her out for 20 minutes, and then going into it. I would be lucky to get rubbed. Her blowing me? HAHAHA! Maybe for my birthday, maybe.

 

Trust me though, I ever find myself heading down that path again, I will be out of the relationship without hesitation.

[Devildog]

2 bad he decided 2 leave 2 soon. He didn't get 2 know us very well. Oh well, 2 each his own.

 

2dles 2 you 2! Be careful your 2 2 doesn't get caught in the door, that has been known 2 happen 2!

[CurlyIam]

I know no marriage who got better after one of the spouse had an affair. None. No matter who's fault it is.

 

The minute you start your affair you can kiss your marriage "good bye". It will bring notheng else but grief to the couple. Grief and resentment.

 

People who chose to have affairs are too coward to go to their spous and say directly "I don't want to be with you anymore." They are doing that so that the other persons does the dirty job for them: leave the marriage/relationship. Something I've learnt after my past relationship: affairs are never about the cheated spouse but ALWAYS always about the cheater.

 

 

 

It's not easy to get out of a long relationship. But disrespecting the other person to this degree is a proof that the cheater is a very little person.

 

It's my personal belief that each person has the marriage they desirve. Part of the blame is your, Monday. For not kicking his arse out, for not leaving him when he's watching marriage, for accepting porn into your marriage. Three is a bit crowded when in a marriage: you, him and porn. And so far he loves porn more than you.

 

 

Sex is not the foundation of a marriage. Not lying, not disrespecting, trusting the other person are. In his seek for porn he destroyed it. And it's your marriage also, therefor your obligation not to take this type of behaviour.

 

 

No sexual affar will bring your husband not to lie to you. Especially since you yourself are CHEATING. If you trully love a person, you're not doing that to them. You're leting them go, because their behaviour is TOXIC.

 

Love,

 

Curly

[wanting to heal]

Don't cheat.

 

He is cheating already. Confront him. Be ready to leave, and stay gone for a while.

 

Make him re-prioritize you and your marriage. If you are not the priority, tell him that you will find someone that will make you their priority.

 

Marriage is a wonderful thing when it is done well. It is like being trapped in a storm when there is infidelity. See my post about "wife in midlife crisis" in the infidelity forum.

 

Save yourself the pain, do not become a cheater. Do not let him drag you down to his level.

[FolderWife]

Thank you all for your opinions. I don't feel as right about this as I did when I posted the topic.

[moimeme]

I completely agree with 2long and am sorry he left so soon.

 

I completely love how so many LSers are hellbent on 'personal responsibility' when it comes to condemning others for stuff but won't take responsibility for their own actions in situations like this.

 

Bottom line is this: if you're not getting what you need out of a marriage, insist, beg, plead, cry, holler, or go on strike but do whatever it takes to get your message across. SEE A COUNSELLOR. Even if you go alone, you'll learn things to try to get your message across.

 

And if nothing works and you deem the marriage impossible, then leave. Do not stay and live a lie.

[TMCM]

Fun2BMe,

 

If I were to use your line of thinking and if your bf's reason for not having sex with you was because he was having an affair, then it MUST BE 99% your fault, right? If you answer no, then I am affraid that you have fallen victim to your own self-deception.

 

TMCM

[HoldOn]

Originally posted by Devildog

2 bad he decided 2 leave 2 soon. He didn't get 2 know us very well. Oh well, 2 each his own.

 

2dles 2 you 2! Be careful your 2 2 doesn't get caught in the door, that has been known 2 happen 2!

 

Ha! That was driving me cra-zy!

 

And I certaintly don't think this site is pro-infidelity! People are so quick to judge.

 

 

Monday, I DON'T think you should have an affair. (Obviously, and I know that you really don't want to either). But I think I would be very very very upset if my husband weren't having sex with me. My bf turns me down occassionally, just because he only wants to have sex every second or third day and I want it every day. Even that is frustrating for me... so I can understand.

 

However, your husband's denial of your needs is on a whole different level.

 

Lack of sex is serious, I think you could even get an annulment in the Church because of it! I can't remember how old you are, but I know you're a hottie! I really wish you would consider leaving him, so you could move on with your life and find a man who realizes you are hotter than a picture.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Originally posted by Monday

yes....divorce or breaking up is the more mature thing to do.

 

If I ever slip and have sex with someone else, I'll admit to myself that it just isn't working, and I'll leave him.

 

I have read many of your posts, and I pretty much know how your husband treats you. He is mean and demeaning. The sex you do have is really lousy (you just said that, again in this post, for about the 10th time) not because of any physical or other problem, but because he just doesn't give a s**t. Others see how he treats you (you know what I'm saying). If you truly mean what you just said, then, well...

 

GET BUSY! (but only if you mean that and you are sure you would actually leave him and not go back).

 

I doubt very seriously if the other guy who wants you would be any worse than your husband, and if he doesn't have your husband's emotional abuse problem, you might actually find a decent relationship in the process (uncertain, yes , but at least you would be done with the abusive husband).

 

Ok, not my most well thought out post perhaps, but ya know, the guy treats you like dirt. Maybe if that is what it takes for you to figure it out. On a positive note, I am encouraged to hear you say "if I admit to myself that it just isn't working". At least you know, and you just impliedly admitted it to us. Now the trick is admitting it to yourself, and doing something about it.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Ok, my previous post was a knee-jerk reaction which perhaps I should have kept to myself. You really should get a divorce (annulment, whatever you want to call it) first, rather than cheating on your husband.

 

But I guess I posted that as a knee-jerk reaction because it does frustrate me to see someone as young as you, with so much life left, who still has a shot at a happy life, with someone who treats her like that, when there are other options.

 

I see you still making excuses for staying with him when it is hard to see that there are really any good ones (including saying that sleeping with him even though it was really lousy (as it apparently almost always is) and you did not really enjoy it is somehow a good thing because it caused you to not cheat on him and therefore leave him, which is what you would have done if you had cheated on him). His being short and hateful to you, and the sex always being really lousy because he doesn't care, is never ok. And the fact that he views porn, it is arguable how big a problem that is by itself, but in your relationship it clearly is a huge problem because you have told us how it affects his attitude (mean and hateful), and the way he treats you, and he does that as a way of withholding affection (which you need) from you, and then even when he does have sex with you, it is lousy. Yet he stops - only until you catch him again, and isn't even really remorseful about it knowing how it makes you feel. Ok, your parts were exercised by the lousy sex you didn't really enjoy, and you are not so horny that you feel like you need to go out and have sex with the other guy anymore, but don't you want more than that? Shouldn't it be "making love"? "Making love" is never lousy if you are truly into someone and care, but you post about the really lousy sex you and your husband have, when he decides not to watch his porn instead and/or withhold affection from you even when he isn't watching it (that you know of).

 

I did not mean to come accross as flip. It just seems like people keep giving you great advice, and you keep ignoring it. But the one truly useful thing I said in the post above I think, is that I do believe you are starting to see it for yourself, and the next step is admitting it to yourself. I hope for your sake, you can do that.