I don`t want to move on.

[heart broken]

About 2 years ago I met this girl she was 27 and i was 22, we were 2 different people from different walks. At the start she said she put in more effort to the relationship than me which i know to be true, things then shifted and I found it was me making the effort, but in the last year i feel we have both been making an effort. We have split up many times mainly over frustration and not seeing eye to eye on matters when we were both drinking. It is a problem that has always been present as she likes to go out more than me (i don`t really feel I click too well in her social enviroment). I have my own friends but would rather devote my time to our relationship.

 

I have done some things in the past which i feel ashamed about and i think they probably damaged the relationship at the time. We would have almighty arguments in the local bar and the only thing I could see to do at the time was take off home or elsewhere. 3 or 4 times I returned to home to her flat where I lived, and I found my anger being released on the flat, I would smash up some things and do anything that I thought would show her how strong my feelings were for her even if they were negative (or maybe it was to get back at her for hurting me). I would maybe not see her for a day or 2 after that and have went through the tough process of breaking up with her many times, although in the end we always made up and tried again.

 

We have both been through a lot together since we met, my mother was ill when we met and died last june from cancer which I found difficult, my dads an alcoholic and was taken into hospital in another country before christmas.

 

My girlfriend came from a broken home, and her mother didn`t want her around when she was 14 because of a new boyfriend, she would threaten suicide to my girlfriend when she was only a child and I would say she is an alcoholic.

 

Then my girlfriend had a baby when she was 21, but she died after a couple of months from cot death, she then entered into a relationship for 5 years which was very abusive physically and mentally. About 7 months after getting out of it she met me. I had a run in with her ex-boyfriend about 14 months ago when he answered the door at my girlfriends sisters, who had invited him to join us all for a drink after closing time at the pub. I befriended him and then later hit him. He is a arsehole and tried to intimidate me after that until I nearly choked him to death in a bar, I had just walked into the bar after finishing work and he stood in my way and thought he would have a go.

 

Anyway about 8 weeks ago I made a big mistake which I can`t believe i`m admitting to - I guess i just want to paint the picture as well as i can. My girlfriend and I were out again at a bar where`re we`ve made a scene a few times before. She and I were both pretty drunk and i was happily chatting away to someone, I made a comment to her light heartly, based on a little fact. Her sisters boyfriend was on the floor as usual, too drunk, and a woman was over with him, this woman fancied him and was kinda related to him. but i had seen her try to kiss him 2 weeks prior and i mentioned it to him - he was just chuffed that he was getting the attention. Anyway i said to my girlfriend " she fancies him" and she went apes*** and started a whole massive row with this other woman, i tried to calm her down, but through experience i decided to leave her to it and i sat and kept an eye on her from about 6feet away. It just escalated until the bar manger was over trying calm her down. Next thing i knew she had lashed a drink in my face from no where, i quickly responded by returning the favour and eventually i decided to leave, as i left a big guy followed me out and hit me a couple of times, he had something to do with the woman my girlfriend was arguing with. After that i went back inside, my girlfriend was oblivious to what had just happening. eventually when we got home things just got too heated, my girl started hitting out at me and was on the bed punching my face over and over for what seemed like ages, I thought i`d let her get it out of her system, but eventually i snapped and i lashed out of her. A great regret that i don`t need to be told was terribly wrong. So i moved all my stuff out, but a couple of days later we were seeing each other and talking. This was about 8 weeks ago and now girlfriend has told me that she doen`t love me in the right way and thinks that it might be better for us to go our seperate ways. We were both completely sober and had a calm talk about things and i agreed with her that it might be best. I love her so much and am finding it hard with out her. I just can`t seem to take the hint and leave it. I have a little hope that we could make it, but so much bad has happened since we have been together, but then she can be such a sweet and loving person and we always show each other a lot of affection.

 

It has been 3 days since we finshed and i`ve lost stone and constantly have her on my mind, I recall all the good things and happy times. Maybe thats where i`m going wrong, should i be thinking of the negative things? No matter what she has done on me i have always found it easy to forgive her, for thats just me, i forget about bad things people do on me, always have.

 

Don`t think its all my girlfriend fault because i have my own problems too which i bring into the relationship, I used to spend too along asleep, now i sleep at the wrong times and I smoke too much cannabis. She don`t like this and I was in the process of trying to rectify these faults in me.

 

To cut this growing story short I know in my heart that i do not want to be without her, she is the best thing in my life and i can not walk away knowing that i have not tried my best.

 

If you`re perservered and read my story and you think you can offer me any help with my plight, then i would thank you now for your time and empathy.

[unnamed]

Interesting story. Now, I'll take two approaches to this problem.

 

The first approach is negative. You two have been through a lot together, but the majority of it seems to be problem-related. I do not recall one 'nice' thing mentioned in that story. But that is just how some relationships are. Anyway, looking at how much you have been through, maybe you should realize that you two will just never work. Physical abuse, throwing drinks in each other's faces, etc., just is not an expression of love, no matter what perspective you take on it. Look at the relationship objectively. You've had far too many problems, both of you drink excessively, have come from different walks of life and have had different experiences which are clashing. Do you think you should stay together or not? Maybe it is just ruining you, and all these fights are warning signs to escape the relationship while you can?

 

Now, let's look at this situation positively. You both fight constantly, which is obviously brought upon by boith of your alcoholic tendencies. Solution: STOP DRINKING. Chances are, both of you would be much better off if you stopped drinking and going to the bar. You said yourself that you would rather work on your relationship. Well, do just that. Stop drinking. Stop going to the bars. Wait for your girlfriend to get home. Surprise her with a nice hug, make her dinner, and sit down together and talk about EVERYTHING. Talk about your experiences, her experiences, and learn more about each other. Both of you have a lot of unresolved issues from your past, issues that are rearing up today. She has abused you before. Where do you think this is coming from? Most likely her 5 year relationship, right?

 

As I was reading this story, I could only think that this relationship just needed help, and you didn't need to split up. Think of this, also: You have a very special woman. She went through a lot of pain in her life before she met you. Physically abused, suicidal and alcoholic parents, losing a child, etc. That is a substantial amount of grief in one's lifetime, and I think you should be there to comfort each other.

 

How much do you and your girlfriend talk about each other? When you do talk, is it about what happened last night, or is it about what you want to do with each other today, or how much you love each other?

 

The biggest problem in this relationship, I can see, is the drinking. It is the root of the majority of your fights and problems, thus you should stop drinking, both of you.

 

I don't know your name, but heartbroken, put extra effort into this relationship. Chances are, your girlfriend has a great fear of her past replicating with you. What I mean is that she is scared that her 5 year abusive relationship will happen with you. I mean, you've already hit her before.

 

Control yourselves. Call her up, and open up to her. You both need to stop drinking. If you want her back, you'll do this. You'll quit drinking and urge her onto. I guarantee you, if you stop drinking and begin to work on your problems, your relationship will be far more satisfactory for the both of you.

 

By the way, if your wondering which approach I like better, its number two. I see a great relationship coming of you two.

[heart broken]

Thanx unknown for your insight, i like the positive one better. But i thought i`d let u know that i have talked to her before about the drinking on numerous occasions, i do not feel that i drink as much as her and it doesn`t really bother me if i don`t get out for one, it has always been her that itches to get out. I think it has a lot to do with her life, all her friends encourage her to out, her sister and boyfriend go out every weekend - friday saturday and sunday and i personally think that they drink to much, but its not my place to say.Although when i do take a drink it doesn`t agree with me emotionally. i become overly sensitive to some peoples comments and have got myself into trouble before, i get too excited and thats when things mess up. If you ask me its all around her, this atmosphere, she lives in a small town which is closely knit. I feel she has a very low self esteem and finds it hard to do things for herself. She knows i love her, but i am insecure within our relationship and i find myself thinking negatively about what she is doing when she goes out (since i have hit her i have remained adamant that i`m not going out to the 2 places she frequents, where most of our bad experiences have taken place. Anyway its the same old faces, routines and basically I`m not fussed on mixing in them kind of circles, I detested alcohol from my early teens because of my father and i can take it or leave it). She though has little else to do in her life, she has mostly been unemployed since we met, but has had a few temporary, cash in hand jobs. I try to do things with her, but a lot involves cash and i`m not in a situation where i can support her as well as myself.

[Laurynn]

Hi there.....

 

First of all, it sounds like you two should not be together when you're both drinking. You both become very volatile when doing so. That is not a good thing. Alcohol makes some people really rowdy, they want to fight, get crazy, get physical. That sounds like you two. You both have alcoholics for parents, so your risk of being alcoholic TOO is very great (both of you).

 

It sounds like you both have a lot of pain to deal with, that stems back to your childhood. You lost your mother (my deepest sympathies), and you have a Dad who was probably not ever really there for you, seeing how he was an alcoholic. She obviously had a horrible childhood too, and on top of that, she had to deal with the death of her first child.

 

Now that you're broken up, things are different. All you can do is work on YOU. It's obvious that you get very out of control when you're drinking. This is dangerous, you could end up going to jail for assaulting someone if it keeps up, have a criminal record for life. You need to get your drinking under control, in fact, my advice would be for you to steer clear of bars and pubs for a while. ESPECIALLY avoid places that she goes to.

 

Spend some time focusing on yourself. Have you really dealt with the loss of your Mom?...or have you used booze to numb that pain? Judging by your words in your post, I take it you're not from the U.S.? Are you there in the U.K. or something? Do they have something there like "Alcoholics Anonymous"? It seems to me that you have a drinking problem (??) and the chances of following in your Dad's footsteps are great. You need to get this under control now. If nothing else, can you find yourself a counselor or therapist to talk to about all of this? I sense you have a lot of pain and regrets and that you really just need someone to talk to.........sometimes a person just needs a little help, they can't sort everything out by themself.

 

You mentioned that in the past, you were sleeping a lot...and that you were doing a fair bit of weed. And of course, there's the drinking. Is it possible that you're DEPRESSED??? That your trying to deal with your pain and inner hurts with drugs and booze and sleeping them away?

 

I say take this time to work on yourself. While you may love your ex girlfriend dearly, you two are a dangerous combination at the moment. You've had a consistently unhealthy, volatile relationship. You both need to get a grip on your drinking but only YOU can change/work on yourself.

 

Judging by what you've written, you're obviously a very intelligent, articulate, thoughtful, caring person. You need to start doing some soul searching, make some changes in your life, talk to someone about them, figure out for yourself that you possibly have a drinking problem (and could end up like your Dad).......

 

Don't try to get back together with your ex girlfriend. Use this time to work on YOU. You two have a very flammable past, and if you continue to get back together, one of you could end up dead...with the fighting/drinking, etc. Relationships should NOT be so flammable. Maybe you two just aren't meant to be together?

 

I'm sorry, I'm not giving you very good advice but this isn't an easy situation to give advice on. Find someone there to talk to. A counsellor, therapist, minister/priest, etc.

 

Laurynn

[Laurynn]

Okay..so maybe you're the type who can 'take or leave' drinking.....but it's pretty obvious that you get pretty out of control when drinking, right? Overly sensitive, physically explosive, etc. So just because you don't drink every day, that doesn't mean that you DON'T have a problem with alcohol. You still do.

 

Let's see, you're 24 and she's 29. She sounds like a party girl who doesn't have much ambition. You say she's not working. She doesn't sound very mature or responsible. She loves to drink, is easily influenced by her friends/sister, etc. Do you think she is a good partner for you? Sounds to me like this girl is using booze to numb the pain of her past, which is understandable, she's been through a lot, but I really so no HEALTHY future for the two of you unless she gets her sh*t together. She needs counselling, therapy.......to sit down with someone who's trained, and to open up and share her pain, to get to the root of why she drinks (the pain, bad childhood).....otherwise, she's on the road to alcoholism and a very tough life.

 

You sound like the most mature of the two. I know that you care a great deal for her, but that doesn't mean that the two of you make a healthy couple. UNLESS she realizes she has a lot of things/pain to deal with properly...until she realizes that she has a drinking problem and uses booze to numb the pain/fear/past, there really is no hope for you two to have a good relationship.

 

Laurynn

[heart broken]

Yeah Laurynn I see where your`e coming from and I would only be fooling myself if I denied ever thinking "is she a good partner for me?" I did spend the first few months thinking was she right for me, that was the time I seemed to notice how different her life was from mine. Her ways, morals and general way of life stuck out and i thought mmm.....this ain`t really what i want here. But for maybe the last year and a half I have fallen in love with her, I have seen the little child within her and I know what kind of person she would like to be. If she could alleviate her past pains as you suggest and I mine, I think we would make a great partnership because through all the negative points I have forementioned there are so many things I want and admire about her, she is a little battler and does try hard, she so much wants her life to change. Thats why I ultimately think that she realises that she is not happy and is now seeking things that she can change to bring about happiness, she wants to feel different. Maybe too, i am not part of her happiness equation or maybe if all that pain inside her wasn`t so sore, she`d be able to have success in all aspects of her life. I cannot see the reason we can`t be together, maybe I`m just so narrow minded and vain about how nice a person I think I am, and i`m egotistical enough to think she couldn`t possibly want to throw away the love I offer her.

 

I know she cares for me, but she has said on a couple of occasions that she does not think she can reciprocate the love that I give her... Which kinda makes me feel sad, and i think it might indicate how low an opinion she has of her self. If I knew she was going to be happy without me, I`d feel a bit better, but she wasn`t before she met me and i don`t think she will be any more by leaving me (maybe I should have more faith in her) (( which could be another quality lacking within our relationship)).

 

I know I know, I could debate about this until I die, but at the end of the day if to me there appears there`s a glimmer of hope I`ll wonder the "what ifs" for an eternity. Its doing my head in, but I still can`t turn away and condemn us to memories. Unless I know there`s absolutely no hope. I know its sounds pathetic, but I can`t let go... boy what a way to be!!!!