i want to end it with my married man. i need your

[Dela]

Hello everyone. I m new here and hope to find some good friends and piece of mind.

 

My relationship with A started 7 monhs ago.. I was happily single since 6 months and working on myself and my life in general, sorting things out.

Then i met him while i was out with a friend and didn t see his wedding ring until he came to sit with us at our table, after my friend invited him (she saw then i like him).

So we sat there all 3 of us chating about stuff in general, and when we left he asked for my phone number. I was already into him so i said it wouldn t hurt to meet him again to chat, since he s a bright and handsome man.

The next day he asked me out, we used to chat everyday for hours, i found out he has 2 kids. After few weeks we started sleeping with eachother, everything was great, seeing eachother 2-3-4 times a week, going out etc.

In january i found out i was pregnant... my first pregnancy.. by a married man.

i was devastated for weeks, my paents didn t wanna hear about me having the baby, my friends mostly looked at me weird... he didn t run away, he was there for me all the way, he told me it s my decision and that he will be there for me. when we started talking about keeping it, he looked very freaked out, he even told me that he will leave his wife if i keep the baby and he can move alone and take care of all kids, but no one will find out about our baby... i was very sad to hear that, considering i grew up without a father and i couldn t stop thinking abt his girls who are 4 and 6 years old, i couldn t imagine 3 kids growing up with a part time father or no father at all... i couldn t imagine breaking up a family and not even be with this man, i didn t want my baby to be an obligation and to be hated by everyone..

so i decided to have an abortion. it was the hardest thing i have ever done, it still haunts me and it was a ****ing hard choice to make.

i want a family and a man that is happy to be with me and can be with me and his kids.

we are still together but it s really hard for me, i am trying to end it since few months but it s killing me. i have never been so unhappy in my entire life.

this kind of relationship is very hard and frustrating and it ****s u up.

i wish i knew this before and not **** up my life the way i did.

 

i would really appreciate some encouragement.

 

thank u

[darkmoon]

you say to yourself...

 

"i will never see this man again"

 

face that fact, and then get on with your life

 

he is messing you up, plan a better tomorrow than this day here, tell him to come back single, i had one MM who did, do not get caught up with being a side-piece

Edited June 15, 2015 by darkmoon

[Popsicle]

First of all, you did the right thing in aborting, imo.

 

Second, it would be in YOUR BEST interest to end this first, because I assure you, he will end it, and you will be devastated in that moment, so do it before he does.

[Dela]

thank you for your answers.

 

i am thinking about ending it since a long time. i really love him and we are a great match, but we have no future together and i ve been saying that to myself over and over again.

i told him last night that we have to end it soon because i m very unhappy. he seemed sad but so am i.

it s really hard though considreing what we ve been thru.

[Popsicle]

thank you for your answers.

 

i am thinking about ending it since a long time. i really love him and we are a great match, but we have no future together and i ve been saying that to myself over and over again.

i told him last night that we have to end it soon because i m very unhappy. he seemed sad but so am i.

it s really hard though considreing what we ve been thru.

 

It was all a mistake...

[Miss Clavel]

thank you for your answers.

 

i am thinking about ending it since a long time. i really love him and we are a great match, but we have no future together and i ve been saying that to myself over and over again.

i told him last night that we have to end it soon because i m very unhappy. he seemed sad but so am i.

it s really hard though considreing what we ve been thru.

 

not being a smart ass but what do you love about him?

 

certainly you cannot say that you love the way he treats you. or anyone else for that matter.

 

self centered prick that he is. a wife, very young children and then he meets you and has unprotected sex with you?

[Miss Clavel]

yup, he's a prince.

[Friskyone4u]

i really love him and we are a great match, but we have no future together

 

Dela, if you have no future together than you are NOT a great match. You will and can get a lot of encouragement here, but that is not going to change the fact that only you can end this. And it will be painful but not as painful in the long run as if you continue to see him and sleep with him.

 

it effects you in a lot of ways that keep you in that box and chasing your tail. You are not and will not be a safe partner for another single man since as long as this goes on you will be cheating from the beginning unless you disclose to any new man your relationship with this guy. And most single men you meet will want nothing to do with you if the start to get involved with you knowing you are having an affair with a married man.

 

So until you free your self, you will continue to feel trapped. i think most will tell you that total NC is the most effective way to accomplish breaking this off. But there is no magic bullet or pill that is going to make it painless. And no one can do it for you.

[Lois_Griffin]

I also think it was your smartest decision to abort the baby. Sorry, but it was.

 

Surely you can't think you're his first affair? He's obviously pretty practiced at being at bars and meeting women, giving out his number and asking women for dates - no doubt while his wife is home caring for the children he's such a great father to.

 

I'm sure he'd be happy if you were to sacrifice your personal life for years adding to his. And that's what you're doing - you're ADDING to his life, so in essence, he's getting 150% out of life having a wife and family AND a girlfriend on the side, while you're getting precious little return on YOUR investment.

 

So big deal. You love him. So what. What's that getting you - aside from constant disappointments, constant lowering of your pride and self esteem, and constant pain and sorrow?

 

Seriously, what positive elements does he bring to your life? The momentary thrill of his texts or phone calls when he's able to sneak one in to you when he's walking the dog? The excitement of one of his visits where you get a whole uninterrupted hour or two of his precious time before he goes back to his real life? The emotional satisfaction of his sugary words of love as he's leaving your place to back home to have dinner with his family?

 

Those aren't positives. Those are momentary fixes, is all.

 

Look. You took a gamble and you lost. The cards were always stacked against you, from the minute he began to lay his charm on you right up until the minute you wrote this post. Don't settle for being the 'extra' in someone else's life while you sacrifice your own life doing it.

 

You're better than that.

[Little Pleiades]

As someone who recently rode the wave of an affair to its bitter and ugly end, I would advise you to take control of the situation right now while you are still in a position of influence. Hindsight is a bittersweet pill to swallow, and I wish I'd ended it when I had the chance; believe me, the odds are stacked squarely against you, and so for the sake of your sanity please get out now. I do NOT want you to end up like me: a heartbroken mess. Just read my posts for confirmation of the heartache in store for you if you continue.

 

You can do it - be brave, and end all contact. It will be difficult, but you must put yourself first.

 

If you'd like to chat anytime about your situation - because I know how hard this is - I'm here for you.

 

Good luck.

Edited June 16, 2015 by Little Pleiades

[Dela]

Thank you all for your kind words.

It s true that i deserve better.I ve never gotten myself into messy relationships with married men. But **** happens when u feel lonely. I only regret that a baby came out of this and now he s gone. he has paid for my stupid mistakes.

 

And although i thank God because my MM was near me those times and he took care of me, i am the one who went thru that trauma and now i have a stain on my soul forever for what i ve done.

 

After the abortion, for 2 months he talked about separating from his wife because things haven t been better since few years. u know the blah blah that they give us. and maybe they mean it when they say it, but they don t have the guts to do it. they never do. i know that he cares about me, but the thing is, he told me FINALLY few months ago that he s never going to leave his family because of the kids... (the kids are always the excuse).

 

So now what i have to do, because i told him alreay that we need to end this, i have to pass my final exams next week and end it.

My heart is a mess already, but when the reality of the end hits me, i feel horrible.

 

And you were right, there s no positives here. Something must be wrong with us when we chose to stay in these relationships. No one should be happy with so little! Women deserve better.

I put so much effort in this relationship to go thru all that happened, he s not a bad person but he is bad for me! If he s married, he is bad for me

[Dela]

As someone who recently rode the wave of an affair to its bitter and ugly end, I would advise you to take control of the situation right now while you are still in a position of influence. Hindsight is a bittersweet pill to swallow, and I wish I'd ended it when I had the chance; believe me, the odds are stacked squarely against you, and so for the sake of your sanity please get out now. I do NOT want you to end up like me: a heartbroken mess. Just read my posts for confirmation of the heartache in store for you if you continue.

 

You can do it - be brave, and end all contact. It will be difficult, but you must put yourself first.

 

If you'd like to chat anytime about your situation - because I know how hard this is - I'm here for you.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Hei girl. thank u! I saw ur post, i said a few words yesterday. i m so sorry for u. I dont know the feeling of the wife knowing. i d be totally freaked out. I m here for u too, i don t know if this website has the option for private messages, i m here since yesterday. we can chat, of course.

Cheer up!!

[Dela]

I also think it was your smartest decision to abort the baby. Sorry, but it was.

 

Surely you can't think you're his first affair? He's obviously pretty practiced at being at bars and meeting women, giving out his number and asking women for dates - no doubt while his wife is home caring for the children he's such a great father to.

 

I'm sure he'd be happy if you were to sacrifice your personal life for years adding to his. And that's what you're doing - you're ADDING to his life, so in essence, he's getting 150% out of life having a wife and family AND a girlfriend on the side, while you're getting precious little return on YOUR investment.

 

So big deal. You love him. So what. What's that getting you - aside from constant disappointments, constant lowering of your pride and self esteem, and constant pain and sorrow?

 

Seriously, what positive elements does he bring to your life? The momentary thrill of his texts or phone calls when he's able to sneak one in to you when he's walking the dog? The excitement of one of his visits where you get a whole uninterrupted hour or two of his precious time before he goes back to his real life? The emotional satisfaction of his sugary words of love as he's leaving your place to back home to have dinner with his family?

 

Those aren't positives. Those are momentary fixes, is all.

 

Look. You took a gamble and you lost. The cards were always stacked against you, from the minute he began to lay his charm on you right up until the minute you wrote this post. Don't settle for being the 'extra' in someone else's life while you sacrifice your own life doing it.

 

You're better than that.

 

 

 

I posted this long before i actually ended my A. I want to thank u, Lois. this post has been stuck on the back on my head ever since. This post put a lot of weight on the decision balance. I m so glad i found it and i wish everyone would read it and listen to it.

 

Thanks again!

[Josmatjes]

Sweetie, he will never be 100% yours. And I think it's pretty awful that your friend set you up knowing he was married...get rid of her too while your at it!

 

He is toxic to you and you deserve a love all your own, and he is out there somewhere looking for you too! Believe me!

[NewLeaf512]

First of all, you did the right thing in aborting, imo.

 

Second, it would be in YOUR BEST interest to end this first, because I assure you, he will end it, and you will be devastated in that moment, so do it before he does.

 

 

 

I very much, 100% agree with this. Although mine had kind of a weird semi-ambiguous ending, I feel that he ended it. After a 2 year an 7 month A where I as the OW had no control over anything: when I would get an email, a call etc., The fact that I did not definitively end it and slam the door closed and (maybe only feel) like I took control of my life haunts me. Dela dear girl I urge you to think about this. After all you have suffered, do you really want to add being dumped to that list?

[Dela]

I very much, 100% agree with this. Although mine had kind of a weird semi-ambiguous ending, I feel that he ended it. After a 2 year an 7 month A where I as the OW had no control over anything: when I would get an email, a call etc., The fact that I did not definitively end it and slam the door closed and (maybe only feel) like I took control of my life haunts me. Dela dear girl I urge you to think about this. After all you have suffered, do you really want to add being dumped to that list?

 

It s an old thread, before i broke up. I posted in it because of what Lois said, i wanted the other girls to see her post.

 

Thanks

[Grapesofwrath]

Dela: If you read through some of the other, older threads you will see stories that are similar to yours. Excruciatingly painful.

 

First off, I would invite you to get rid of this idea that you have a "stain on your soul" because of your choice to end the pregnancy. You had an impossible decision to make, and you made it with courage. I agree with your choice and would likely do the same, were I in your shoes. I don't think this puts a stain on your soul, or anywhere else. I'm sure you will remember this experience always, but please find a way to forgive yourself.

 

Second, I agree that it's best to end things on your terms, and based on your most recent comments I believe you have done so. Keep strong in NC. It's very difficult to end a relationship when a pregnancy has been involved. Because of the intensity of that experience, we can't help but feel a powerful bond to the other party. You don't have to forget you knew him, you just need to put him in the proper place in your life, which is the past. He is not in a position to add to your life. he only takes away. Moving forward, welcome only people into your life who can add to it, in a positive way.

 

You've learned a valuable life lesson here. I support you on your path.

[Dela]

Dela: If you read through some of the other, older threads you will see stories that are similar to yours. Excruciatingly painful.

 

First off, I would invite you to get rid of this idea that you have a "stain on your soul" because of your choice to end the pregnancy. You had an impossible decision to make, and you made it with courage. I agree with your choice and would likely do the same, were I in your shoes. I don't think this puts a stain on your soul, or anywhere else. I'm sure you will remember this experience always, but please find a way to forgive yourself.

 

Second, I agree that it's best to end things on your terms, and based on your most recent comments I believe you have done so. Keep strong in NC. It's very difficult to end a relationship when a pregnancy has been involved. Because of the intensity of that experience, we can't help but feel a powerful bond to the other party. You don't have to forget you knew him, you just need to put him in the proper place in your life, which is the past. He is not in a position to add to your life. he only takes away. Moving forward, welcome only people into your life who can add to it, in a positive way.

 

You've learned a valuable life lesson here. I support you on your path.

 

 

Thanks so much for your kind words. Yes i ended it (11 days, i broke NC once 7 days ago). it s hard but it s getting better. i ve never experienced this level of pain before. it s so much that our mind can take...

 

Hope u ll be ok when ur A ends, i ve rad your thread. I wishu courage and strenght, u have hard times ahead but it s better than being stuck there.

 

Hugs

[Grapesofwrath]

Thanks so much for your kind words. Yes i ended it (11 days, i broke NC once 7 days ago). it s hard but it s getting better. i ve never experienced this level of pain before. it s so much that our mind can take...

 

Hope u ll be ok when ur A ends, i ve rad your thread. I wishu courage and strenght, u have hard times ahead but it s better than being stuck there.

 

Hugs

 

Thanks, Dela. It will be ending this week, so the hard times are about to begin. I think the toughest part will be to maintain the strength and courage needed to resist his attempts to keep things going in this downgraded form. He is giving lip service to the my stance that no sleepovers means no A, but I don't imagine he will hold to that once reality sets in.

[Dela]

Thanks, Dela. It will be ending this week, so the hard times are about to begin. I think the toughest part will be to maintain the strength and courage needed to resist his attempts to keep things going in this downgraded form. He is giving lip service to the my stance that no sleepovers means no A, but I don't imagine he will hold to that once reality sets in.

 

 

his attempts don t matter!!! u are making the decision. what he thinks/wants doesnt matter. it is in your hands. if he knows he can t give u more and if he respects u, he will let u go.

 

u mentioned u have kids (if i remember well). it s the best thing to end this A.

find a good available man who can be there for u and your kids. full time!!!

 

i broke up with mine because i want a life, i want a marriage and kids and all that. and i was willing to wait in case he was planning to give me what i want. but i wasn t willing to give up on having a family just to be in an A with him forever. And EVEN if i never find the prince charming to give me all this, i will always know that i was here, available for him to come, not involved in chaos.

 

Think of yourself, think of your kids!