beembm Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Ugh, my stomach and heart are hurting so bad. My intense, loving 1-year LDR ended last Wednesday because my ex felt that there was no way for us to be together in the end. He lives in Vancouver, I live in NJ. It was long-distance from the start. He feels that with the short visits we have, we will never really know whether the relationship is right enough for one of us to leave everything and move to be with the other. He fears that one of us would move to be with the other and it would be bad. I of course had the same fears, but I also felt such a strong connection with him that I was willing to take the risk of continued long distance to see where it could go. I didn't/don't want to lose him. I'm trying so so so hard to just let go of control, and take each moment as it comes, and remember that I can't do anything about this and that the universe has it's own path for me but I'm hurting really badly. I'm experiencing overwhelming feelings of grief, anger, low self-esteem, abandonment. I'm also still in a bit of denial. It's only been 4 days NC and every other minute I have fleeting hope that he will change his mind. He was so unsure whether to end it. He kept going back and forth and back and forth. How can I not have hope right now? One of the last things he said to me was that he loved me, even if he didn't think we could be together, that his heart was broken, and that he was going to miss me so much. And yet two days later, I snooped and found him back on OKcupid. This hurt immensely! My friends say this is his way of coping, and that he's just trying to distract himself, which is probably true but it hurts me that he is trying to forget about me. I also just went on to Spotify and saw that he unfollowed the on-going playlist we shared over the past year. This also made me hurt so badly. I'm writing this because I'm finding I have no self-control when it comes to keeping an eye on him. I have basically been non-stop checking his facebook page, his facebook messenger status, and his "last online" on OKCupid. It makes me angry and hurt every time but I can't stop. It's self-torture I know. I've just gone and deleted my facebook app so I'm less tempted. But how can I stop checking his OKC profile. It makes me sick. Ugh this hurts too much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beembm Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 I can't bare this heartache Link to post Share on other sites
Author beembm Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 It's just too painful to let go of "what could have been." He was the first person I could see myself marrying. And he told me he felt the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
FistOfTheNorthStar Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Evening, my friend. To start off let me just say it may be EXTREMELY hard to gain self control after it just happened. Especially if it was your first serious relationship. LDR was my first heartbreak as well but she ended up cheating on me, then trying to come back, then left once again dating and "getting engaged" like any other day. What good does it do for you to check up on him on OKC? Will that bring him back to you? No, not at all. You would have to strictly keep this at complete NC which means deleting all traces of him, as well as removing yourself from every sense that you would see anything of his. If he so chooses to come back, it will be when you completely remove yourself. However, No Contact is a means of healing yourself and not trying to convince your ex to come back. These senses of low self esteem and anxiety, are things you may want to work amongst on with yourself. Why do you feel this way? Why do you feel like no one else will love you? I was in your shoes once, and self control is something worked upon not just there my friend. -F Link to post Share on other sites
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