childhood sweethearts that never had their time

[autumnnight]

Kind of a loaded and pointless question, don't you think?

 

How would you respond if the answer was "yes"?

 

I'd bow out because there's no point in trying to help someone without a conscience.

[mistakes]

I had a friend called Jane. (no, not her real name.)

 

She met a man, in school, called John (No, not ditto ditto....)

 

They went through all their school years together, went to different universities, and met different people, and married them.

But all this time, they kept in touch.

 

John divorced his first wife, and married a second.

Jane stayed married to her spouse and had 3 children.

 

She and John still remained in touch.

 

Jane had always had a thing, a connection to John.

John had always had a thing, a connection to Jane.

 

Yet they neither wanted to call it love, being soulmates or destiny.

 

In the end, Jane divorced her spouse.

John divorced his spouse.

 

That was 12 years ago.

John and Jane got together then.

They're still together now.

All the families survived the turmoil, trauma and disruption.

 

Because life moves on, and things move with them.

 

The end.

 

(Or beginning. Take your pick.)

 

Quite a story. Would like to connect with them and ask them questions. Can you help?

 

Dear, dear mistakes.....let me tell you a story. The MM I am involved with has been my friend since we were 12 years old. We were each other's first sexual experience when we were 17. We have been in and out of each others lives and reconnected at a high school class reunion. We are now involved in a full blown love affair which is now 5 years old. We are now 64 years old and it is too late to uproot our lives to be together. Don't spend your life pining over your high school sweetheart. Make a choice and stick to it before it is too late. Please don't get to be my age full of regret for not having found the right person to grow old with.

 

Exactly, I don't like regrets. I've learnt quite early on to follow where my heart is, whether in career, business, partners, passions etc. The last thing I want is to live just to grow old.

 

Does the OP have children with his wife? He never mentioned that.

 

OP, Your childhood sweetheart has two children, does she even want to leave her spouse to be with you? Is this something you have talked about? You need to have a really honest discussion with her. Many times when two people in an affair are married, one just isn't able to leave their spouse for whatever reason.

 

Do you love your wife OP? You married her, did you marry her because you loved her or did you marry her because your childhood sweetheart was officially off the market?

 

Years ago, before you married your wife, your childhood sweetheart came to you and ask you to take her/be with her. Why didn't you do that then? What stopped you?

 

I agree with TaraMaiden2 when she said, Currently, the way you are going about it will cause intense pain, discomfort, unhappiness. If the A is discovered by either your wife or her husband, the ability for either or both of you to end it with your current spouse in an amicable way is most likely gone. I think you and your AP need to figure out if you truly want to be together or not. if you do, I think you both need to stop seeing each other for awhile, in order to end your current marriages. Once you have done that, you could then be with each other. No one here can tell you what the right answer is, but you should probably make a decision and stick with it. Carrying on in a long term A is not a good solution.

 

I don't have kids, only the AP does. She tried a few times these past years to move on from him and take the kids with her. But with nowhere to go she couldn't stay away. I never involved myself nor I knew about all these till recently.

 

I am bringing my wife back with me this week to reflect and check myself on whether I married her because I loved her or just because AP was off the market after she got pregnant. I was in a long term relationship with my girlfriend/wife now at the time she got pregnant and wanted to go with me. I couldn't handle it then nor had the courage to break everything apart with my then girlfriend/wife now.

 

Exactly why I am here, the affair is very recent and I don't intend to make it long term. I just want to make the right decision for myself and carry it through the pain and the agony of dealing with everyone that's gonna get hurt and move on.

 

You have kids involved.

 

Start being an adult and think about the kids before yourself.

 

This is a huge mess. It will not end well for you. Sorry.

 

I think I'm trying to be an adult by being here and opening it up for discussion. I need perspectives and advise on how to tread this waters but still live and tell the tale of how it all went along. I've already accepted that one way or the other, I'm now in a mess.

 

I'd bow out because there's no point in trying to help someone without a conscience.

I am completely ashamed and broken. I struggle to function and takes a whole lot to try and get back up. I am ashamed of the man in the mirror. I don't think I'll be coming here if the answer to your original question was a "Yes".

 

Going back to topic and what I want to know is - what was the fallout like when your pursued your AP instead of your wife (specially with kids involved)? I need to understand what they go through and wether it's something that I can swallow. Maybe the betrayed spouses can help me gain an insight?

Edited June 16, 2015 by mistakes

[truncated]

a couple of points for the op,

 

first, please stop saying things like " the price we'll have to pay". You and the ow won;t be the ones paying the price. Her kids, spouse and your wife will be the ones who foot the bill for the two of you to find out if you can be together long term.

 

Secondly, do you spend time around her kids? if so, really think about that. What kind of a mother lets her kids be around her ap behind her husband's back, risking their emotional health just so she can feel good for a little while?

 

It sounds like you have blinders on when it comes to this woman, and you need to take them off before you make any long term decisions about her. Please re-read the first post you made about her. She has cheated on how many guys with you, always at low points in her life. You are her security blanket, and that is not love, that is using you.

[truncated]

 

 

 

 

 

I don't have kids, only the AP does. She tried a few times these past years to move on from him and take the kids with her. But with nowhere to go she couldn't stay away. I never involved myself nor I knew about all these till recently.

Bull. She could have stayed away, and unless he was abusive to her or the kids ( and why would she stay if he was?) she was just too 'comfy" to leave without having her old teddy bear ( you) to cling to.

 

I am bringing my wife back with me this week to reflect and check myself on whether I married her because I loved her or just because AP was off the market after she got pregnant. I was in a long term relationship with my girlfriend/wife now at the time she got pregnant and wanted to go with me. I couldn't handle it then nor had the courage to break everything apart with my then girlfriend/wife now.

she gets pregnant by a guy and wants you run away with her? That right there speaks volumes. That is extremely immature behavior. If he was so terrible that she wanted to go, why did she wait until she got pregnant? Why not go when things were not so complicated for her? Why stay and have more kids with him? I highly suspect there is more going on than what she is telling you.

 

Exactly why I am here, the affair is very recent and I don't intend to make it long term. I just want to make the right decision for myself and carry it through the pain and the agony of dealing with everyone that's gonna get hurt and move on.

 

Instead of just thinking of yourself, why not think of the others who will be hurt by your, and your ow's choices? Your wife and her husband and kids will be the ones carrying their own pain, not you, and you need to give your head a shake if you feel that you will be able to negate any of their hurt. That burden will be all on them.

 

I think I'm trying to be an adult by being here and opening it up for discussion. I need perspectives and advise on how to tread this waters but still live and tell the tale of how it all went along. I've already accepted that one way or the other, I'm now in a mess.

 

I am completely ashamed and broken. I struggle to function and takes a whole lot to try and get back up. I am ashamed of the man in the mirror. I don't think I'll be coming here if the answer to your original question was a "Yes".

 

Going back to topic and what I want to know is - what was the fallout like when your pursued your AP instead of your wife (specially with kids involved)? I need to understand what they go through and wether it's something that I can swallow.

 

Instead of asking the ws what their pain was like, why not ask the children and bs who were the ones most affected. They will be able to tell you about how it went for them and how they came out the other side.

 

One thing i would say is that, after having seen friends and their children go through this, I would advise you to stop trying to apease your own guilt by pretending you will be able to help anyone through this but yourself and your ow.

 

ten characters.......

[AlwaysGrowing]

Exactly how fair is it of you....to try on the relationship with your wife?

 

Why is she not given the same consideration?

 

Unilateral control of the relationship. How would you feel if your wife took it upon herself to make all the decisions for you?

 

I think you have convinced yourself that your wife will be pleased that you lied/by omission/withheld information/manipulated/got her to commit (all the while....you are just giving her a test).

 

Most likely....all you will accomplish...is to give her more things/events/time to look back on.....to look foolish/played/betrayed/manipulated....by you.

 

How does it feel to be betrayed...by your spouse? .....cuts one to the core. It changes a person. I have read that people were more devastated by a betrayal than the death of a spouse. Why? One can imagine a death, most have made arrangements for their own death, have talked about their death, the what ifs...and such. Death happens to us all....it is not done intentionally. Betrayal...is willful...intentional...planned...executed.

 

 

I often shake my head at how many people don't get how much betrayal hurts. Heck, if you betray your country..it is called treason....one that more often than not...gets one the harshest penalty a country can give.

 

 

If your intent is to see if your wife can meet all your expectations of life/love..etc. Then give her the same courtesy. She might make your dilemma a lot more easier for you.

 

Most people don't like to have to jump hoops..or do the pick me dance...to someone who views them as an option.

[mistakes]

a couple of points for the op,

 

first, please stop saying things like " the price we'll have to pay". You and the ow won;t be the ones paying the price. Her kids, spouse and your wife will be the ones who foot the bill for the two of you to find out if you can be together long term.

 

Secondly, do you spend time around her kids? if so, really think about that. What kind of a mother lets her kids be around her ap behind her husband's back, risking their emotional health just so she can feel good for a little while?

 

It sounds like you have blinders on when it comes to this woman, and you need to take them off before you make any long term decisions about her. Please re-read the first post you made about her. She has cheated on how many guys with you, always at low points in her life. You are her security blanket, and that is not love, that is using you.

 

Thanks truncated. Really appreciate that. This is why I wanted it out in the open. I feel I'm in a tunnel vision right now and badly needs perspectives. I get a bit too self centered at times.

 

I haven't met her kids yet but I do hear them in the background when we talk.

 

Exactly how fair is it of you....to try on the relationship with your wife?

 

Why is she not given the same consideration?

 

Unilateral control of the relationship. How would you feel if your wife took it upon herself to make all the decisions for you?

 

I think you have convinced yourself that your wife will be pleased that you lied/by omission/withheld information/manipulated/got her to commit (all the while....you are just giving her a test).

 

Most likely....all you will accomplish...is to give her more things/events/time to look back on.....to look foolish/played/betrayed/manipulated....by you.

 

How does it feel to be betrayed...by your spouse? .....cuts one to the core. It changes a person. I have read that people were more devastated by a betrayal than the death of a spouse. Why? One can imagine a death, most have made arrangements for their own death, have talked about their death, the what ifs...and such. Death happens to us all....it is not done intentionally. Betrayal...is willful...intentional...planned...executed.

 

I often shake my head at how many people don't get how much betrayal hurts. Heck, if you betray your country..it is called treason....one that more often than not...gets one the harshest penalty a country can give.

 

If your intent is to see if your wife can meet all your expectations of life/love..etc. Then give her the same courtesy. She might make your dilemma a lot more easier for you.

 

Most people don't like to have to jump hoops..or do the pick me dance...to someone who views them as an option.

 

Thanks AlwaysGrowing. I am wrong here and very wrong. I feel that I maybe stuck in my fleeting moments with AP and it's warping my view of my wife and the history of love that we shared so far. I'm sure I can recount more happier memories with my wife than with AP, in a right state of mind.

[Sassy Girl]

You know you need to go no contact with the mistress while working on he marriage right?

 

What's your plan for that?

 

What's your plan for whe your wife arrives. Are you going to be honest and transparent and tell her she's in the fight of her life for her marriage?? Or are you going to let the OW have the unfair advantage?

[mistakes]

What does OW mean? Official Wife? I'm new here and a bit confused with all the acronyms.

[minimariah]

In the end we're all survivors.

How much baggage we choose to carry with us, is our choice.

 

i don't think the story you have told is unrealistic....... it just isn't the most common one.

 

you have those with little baggage... and those with a lot of baggage. and then you have those who didn't choose the baggage they got so they're stuck to deal with it for years. you can't control someone else's pain, scars and baggage -- no matter how well you handle the situation, someone WILL leave the entire situation with at least 1% less faith in humanity.

 

i find stories like that annoying, to be honest -- they never got together because... there is usually never a REALLY good reason so nobody really knows just WHY did these starcrossed lovers decide to play some real life Romeo & Juliet, they chose to be with other people & used them knowing that they have connection with someone else and probably weren't 100% in it, had kids and then after XY years of having an emotional affair had decided to f*ck it all up because they FINALLY decided to get together. it's annoying because it was all perfectly avoidable but i guess it takes some people decades to reach an average level of maturity. it's like - you got married and had kids even though you knew from the start the way it will end. that means you hurt a lot of people ON PURPOSE because... because... still, nobody knows.

 

i always cheer for the APs in situations like these because i just want that tired, annoying, chick flick to come to an end. so OP - go for it.

Edited June 16, 2015 by minimariah

[minimariah]

What does OW mean? Official Wife? I'm new here and a bit confused with all the acronyms.

 

other woman.

 

you can check the rest here -- http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/loveshack-org-questions-comments/214322-acronyms-abbreviations

 

OP - i actually know of 2 stories like yours where the folks left their spouses to be with each other after decades of pining away. 2 scenarios happened - 1. they were finally happy and settled down, live happily. 2. they got together and realized that they weren't who they thought they were and realized that they were both infatuated with a fantasy. still together years later because they feel too guilty & pressured to prove to others that they didn't cause hurt in vain.

 

it's a lottery, take your risk and see what happens.

Edited June 16, 2015 by minimariah

[mistakes]

And AP? Affair Partner? so it means the same right?

[MuddyRock]

" I do not want to break my wife's heart nor her family with their 2 kids... But the tug to be with my childhood sweetheart and her kids seems so much stronger."

 

You care more about spending time with ow and HER kids then your own. You need to set your wife AND kids free.

You don't even care about OW or her kids because if you did you would do what's best for her! Selfish.

I'm sorry but that statement is sickening. It really points out how little you care for your own kids.

Btw her kids don't need or want you they have a dad and they will resent you in most likelyhood.

[mistakes]

" I do not want to break my wife's heart nor her family with their 2 kids... But the tug to be with my childhood sweetheart and her kids seems so much stronger."

 

You care more about spending time with ow and HER kids then your own. You need to set your wife AND kids free.

You don't even care about OW or her kids because if you did you would do what's best for her! Selfish.

I'm sorry but that statement is sickening. It really points out how little you care for your own kids.

Btw her kids don't need or want you they have a dad and they will resent you in most likelyhood.

Thanks MuddyRock. I don't have kids with my wife.

 

In any case, I agree with you that this is all selfish and too self centered.

[No Limit]

How old is your wife? If she's below her 40's it's incredibly selfish of you to take her chance away to start a family with a faithful man who will treat her well.

[mistakes]

You know you need to go no contact with the mistress while working on he marriage right?

 

What's your plan for that?

 

What's your plan for whe your wife arrives. Are you going to be honest and transparent and tell her she's in the fight of her life for her marriage?? Or are you going to let the OW have the unfair advantage?

My marriage is my priority right now. I need make sure that these feelings are real. Maybe they are just a fantasy after all. I need my head to catchup with my heart.

 

The OW and me plan to go quiet while we solve issues within our own marriages and see if things can be patched up with our spouses. We may have caught each other off guard in our low moments and filled up something our spouses couldn't fill.

 

Maybe we really aren't for one another.

 

Once my brain is thinking again, I plan to open up every single detail to my wife without interference or communication from the OW. My whole life is hinged on my marriage, everything will fall apart without it.

[No Limit]

The OW and me

 

You still consider you and OW a team. You're just pausing the affair.

Brains start thinking AFTER opening up to the betrayed spouse - everything before that happens is confusion and delusion.

[mistakes]

How old is your wife? If she's below her 40's it's incredibly selfish of you to take her chance away to start a family with a faithful man who will treat her well.

 

I am very selfish indeed and I'm very ashamed of this... She's treated me well and really grew me into the man I am now. The only thing that I upsets me with her for a very long time is her thinking that I'm gonna cheat at some point. Both our families had to deal with affairs and infidelities. And now I just proved her right.

 

You still consider you and OW a team. You're just pausing the affair.

Brains start thinking AFTER opening up to the betrayed spouse - everything before that happens is confusion and delusion.

 

You're saying I decide where to go before I talk to my wife? While I'm in confused and delusioned state?

[Mr. Lucky]

I have asked my wife to come and stay here with me for a few months to resolve with myself if I loved her or not.

 

So your wife is going to be unknowingly evaluated by you for marital fitness while you're in the affair fog pining for your married other woman ???

 

I guess that's the WS version of fairness and consideration. At least you'll be able to walk away with your head held high because hey, you gave it a shot - right?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sassy Girl]

So your wife is going to be unknowingly evaluated by you for marital fitness while you're in the affair fog pining for your married other woman ???

 

I guess that's the WS version of fairness and consideration. At least you'll be able to walk away with your head held high because hey, you gave it a shot - right?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I know, right??

 

Hardly a fair fight

[mistakes]

Thanks for your perspectives everyone. Really appreciate it.

 

I guess my judgement and view is terribly clouded and needs clearing up. Maybe I need to spend time away on my own to figure this one out.

[Sassy Girl]

So your wife is going to be unknowingly evaluated by you for marital fitness while you're in the affair fog pining for your married other woman ???

 

I guess that's the WS version of fairness and consideration. At least you'll be able to walk away with your head held high because hey, you gave it a shot - right?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I am very selfish indeed and I'm very ashamed of this... She's treated me well and really grew me into the man I am now. The only thing that I upsets me with her for a very long time is her thinking that I'm gonna cheat at some point. Both our families had to deal with affairs and infidelities. And now I just proved her right.

 

 

 

You're saying I decide where to go before I talk to my wife? While I'm in confused and delusioned state?

 

No. What he is saying is that OW is giving you her best self. She knows she's in competition with your wife and is trying to be all you need and more.

 

Your wife has no idea her marriage is in jeopardy. No idea her husband is thinking of ending the marriage. No idea of the status of her own life or the contest she is a part of. You and OW are privy to information she isn't to make an informed choice about her own life. Those are unfair advantages and it is NOT A fair way to treat a woman who has had your back. She deserves to know the truth of her life.

[Lois_Griffin]

Currently, we are in the middle of fighting lows in the business. My wife and I are living apart in two different countries managing businesses on both sides.

 

You're experiencing an incredibly difficult time being in another country all alone and depressed about your business having taken a downward turn, etc. etc. So you've turned to your mistress for comfort.

 

Got it.

 

Your wife however, is choosing to party up a storm, is thrilled about being on her own, is happy the business took a downward turn and that it's keeping her separated from her husband, and life is one big party for her.

 

Got it.

 

Give me a break.

 

You act as though you're the only one dealing with this low in life.

 

Stop making excuses for your latest affair. You've played cat and mouse with this woman your whole entire life and would use any lame excuse to justify yet another pairing up with her.

 

At least own your sh*t, for God's sakes.

 

I am very selfish indeed and I'm very ashamed of this... She's treated me well and really grew me into the man I am now.

LOL. And the thanks she gets for investing her life and faith in you is a huge kick in the teeth.

 

Where was Miss Elusive (the OW) during all these formative years when your wife was making you a better man? With someone ELSE she'd chosen over you? Now that you're the man she wants you to be, she suddenly can't live without you?

 

What a joke.

[No Limit]

LOL. And the thanks she gets for investing her life and faith in you is a huge kick in the teeth.

 

Well, by all accounts his wife expected that. Why people choose to marry people they know will cheat on them is beyond me. On the other hand, the timing with them being apart is quite right, perhaps she's entertaining an AP as well since she doubted fidelity from the very beginning.

Edited June 16, 2015 by No Limit

[summerdowling87]

Mistakes excuse me if I read your post wrong but...Didn't you ex-gf/OW cheat on you and go back and forth to her now husband many times?

 

If your answer is yes than what makes you think she has changed and won't do this-(cheating) if you to get together again?

 

She has two kids and she cheating on their father which make break up their home. She's cheating with a mm now sooo again why should she be faithful to you?

[mistakes]

No. What he is saying is that OW is giving you her best self. She knows she's in competition with your wife and is trying to be all you need and more.

 

Your wife has no idea her marriage is in jeopardy. No idea her husband is thinking of ending the marriage. No idea of the status of her own life or the contest she is a part of. You and OW are privy to information she isn't to make an informed choice about her own life. Those are unfair advantages and it is NOT A fair way to treat a woman who has had your back. She deserves to know the truth of her life.

 

Thanks.. these thoughts are just starting to come in now. Now I feel that I made it even more unfair for her that I'm making her come over here and tell her everything while she's here away from her home country. All her support is back where she's coming from.

 

Just when did I stop thinking about my wife? Just how did my mind started thinking so selfishly?

 

You're experiencing an incredibly difficult time being in another country all alone and depressed about your business having taken a downward turn, etc. etc. So you've turned to your mistress for comfort.

 

Got it.

 

Your wife however, is choosing to party up a storm, is thrilled about being on her own, is happy the business took a downward turn and that it's keeping her separated from her husband, and life is one big party for her.

 

Got it.

 

Give me a break.

 

You act as though you're the only one dealing with this low in life.

 

Stop making excuses for your latest affair. You've played cat and mouse with this woman your whole entire life and would use any lame excuse to justify yet another pairing up with her.

 

At least own your sh*t, for God's sakes.

 

 

LOL. And the thanks she gets for investing her life and faith in you is a huge kick in the teeth.

 

Where was Miss Elusive (the OW) during all these formative years when your wife was making you a better man? With someone ELSE she'd chosen over you? Now that you're the man she wants you to be, she suddenly can't live without you?

 

What a joke.

 

I definitely deserve to be bashed for this. I'm out of my mind. I took responsibility on everything else I did except in this case and I'm just passing the blame on some circumstance or event.

 

When did I start thinking so narrow? I have failed in all accounts to see everything else.

 

Well, by all accounts his wife expected that. Why people choose to marry people they know will cheat on them is beyond me. On the other hand, the timing with them being apart is quite right, perhaps she's entertaining an AP as well since she doubted fidelity from the very beginning.

 

Her expecting me to somehow cheat is most probably because of her own experiences with her family. I never expected myself to fall for this. I've done well for so long keeping myself in check for exactly this to not happen.

 

Just why and how was I so attracted to this OW that I fell for it so easily is confusing me. I have resisted better and stayed firm to other more attractive, powerful and single females throughout my married life. Just why fall for her now??

 

Mistakes excuse me if I read your post wrong but...Didn't you ex-gf/OW cheat on you and go back and forth to her now husband many times?

 

If your answer is yes than what makes you think she has changed and won't do this-(cheating) if you to get together again?

 

She has two kids and she cheating on their father which make break up their home. She's cheating with a mm now sooo again why should she be faithful to you?

 

Thanks summerdowling87.. I had my tunnel vision on at the time. But you're right. She is very good at keeping a straight face through all that as well. This is a red flag that is very obvious.