Third chance? She's the love of my life

[lostandfoundlove]

I met someone while I was going through a very difficult time (divorce caused by my wife cheating after 20 yrs together). I was hesitant going into the relationship because of my history and the fact that I was still working through the divorce but she wanted to move forward so we did. We were together for about a year before she broke things off. I was devastated and tried to win her back. I did all the things you'd expect - begging and pleading, writing letters, etc. And eventually she took me back. And it was really great for a while. REALLY great. The way I'd want to spend the rest of my life.

 

And then I screwed everything up. We were together for a few months when I got a job offer across the country. I took it (dream job that I'd been working toward for years and years) and stopped moving the relationship with her forward, got distant and cold. I think I somehow imagined that this was my chance to escape my painful history and she got wrapped up in that.

 

She wavered on moving with me but ultimately decided she was going. When she announced it to me, I asked her if she'd found a job. She told me love would make a way and rather than agreeing with her, I said it would make more sense for her to find a job there. I regret this whole interaction so much now. Not long after, she ended things with me and immediately started seeing other people.

 

When I started to work on selling the house it put a nail in an emotional coffin for me regarding my divorce. It was painful but also opened my eyes. I saw that the woman I'd spent the last 2 years with was someone I wanted to spend a lifetime with. It was like a fog was lifted and I was free from the shackles of that old life. But she was already gone and now I'm heartbroken.

 

I reacted the same way as last time we broke up, pleading, writing letters, offered her a key to my house and promise rings. She took it all very badly and cut off communication for about 6 weeks. Then she accidentally contacted me via text and we started some light communication. No relationship talk. And it was going okay.

 

We met for dinner and had a really nice time. God I love this woman. I felt so in love with her and I got every signal that she felt the same. Sparks, chemistry, flirtation. At her car we went to hug goodnight and then neither of us let go. She asked if I wanted to kiss her and I said, I wanted everything, forever. And then she stated to get distant. And after talking a while said she never wanted to be in a monogamous relationship again.

 

This was so confusing for me. For months she'd been asking to talk about moving in together, about marriage. It was part of why she told people she broke things off. I still don't understand this shift... but she tends to make big shifts. (worth noting that she is much younger than I am)

 

We took some space apart and then I saw her at a dance the other night. She was with someone else but he seemed to disappear and we ended up connecting a couple of times during the night. At one point I told her that I'd imagined dancing like this at our wedding and she got upset, running to talk with her best friend (who I later learned is very against us being together).

 

Later she texts me: "Did you leave?" and I told her that I did because her friend said that I should. And then - this is one of those things I don't know how to interpret - she texts: "It's so complicated. I feel so close to you and simultaneously terrified."

 

I replied that we'd talk later in the week, and that I love her and that I'm scared too. To which she replied: "I love you too. Probably forever."

 

An hour later she shows up at my house unannounced - hasn't been there for months. Lets herself in and walks into my arms and cries. "You are moving, I'll never see you again." One thing leads to another and she's there for the night.

 

The next morning she gets up and cold as ice toward me. Angry with herself, regretful. It felt horrible to me after what felt like she'd opened up. Since then I've offered to meet and talk and she said "what is there to talk about?"

 

We are now taking another break from contact until later this week.

 

I would marry her - I feel that strongly that she's the one. And I've told her that. It all feels so schizophrenic to me - like part of her wants to reconnect and as soon as that emerges she shuts it down and turns to stone. I know her friends and I know that they are all telling her to stay away. So there is a lot of negativity toward any reconciliation. I never post in forums but at this point I'm at a loss for what to do. I would do ANYTHING to make things work but I can see a pattern emerging where any time things get close she turns cold.

 

She's said we both have things to work on. She wants to see changes. Doesn't believe things can be different. I'm not sure how to show them if I'm across the country (I leave in 2 months).

 

Any advice is very welcome!

[elaine567]

You say there is an age difference, how old are you and she?

 

And what changes does she want to see?

[lostandfoundlove]

I'm a young 41 (just starting a new career but still well established and know who I am) and she's an old 27 (established career, very mature in many respects but maybe still figuring out who she is). There is also the pressure of lots of weddings in her life right now. I'd never intended to date someone so young and was very skeptical going into it but we went out to dinner on our first date and I felt like she was my age. Extremely composed. We both teach, so it kind of comes with the territory.

 

I'm not totally clear on what changes she's looking for. She always wanted more commitment from me, more enthusiasm for the relationship, more openness to her more spiritual side (eastern). She's extremely positive and with my history I tend to be skeptical and a bit pessimistic at times - I'm sure she'd like me to move in her direction on that.

 

Lately I feel like the smartest move is to friendzone myself for a while and try to establish a positive feelings again. Then when I get where I'm going, see if I can convince her to come out for a visit.

Edited June 15, 2015 by lostandfoundlove
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[NopeNah]

I'm a young 41 (just starting a new career but still well established and know who I am) and she's an old 27 (established career, very mature in many respects but maybe still figuring out who she is). There is also the pressure of lots of weddings in her life right now. I'd never intended to date someone so young and was very skeptical going into it but we went out to dinner on our first date and I felt like she was my age. Extremely composed. We both teach, so it kind of comes with the territory.

 

I'm not totally clear on what changes she's looking for. She always wanted more commitment from me, more enthusiasm for the relationship, more openness to her more spiritual side (eastern). She's extremely positive and with my history I tend to be skeptical and a bit pessimistic at times - I'm sure she'd like me to move in her direction on that.

 

Lately I feel like the smartest move is to friendzone myself for a while and try to establish a positive feelings again. Then when I get where I'm going, see if I can convince her to come out for a visit.

You're a couple years older than me and I couldn't date someone her age. I know everyone's different and what not,but I don't think I'd trust a relationship with anyone younger than 30'ish. I have a 7 year rule though.

 

If I were in your position, I'd leave for the new job as her friend and offer her to visit you to see if she thinks she would like it there. During this time I'd be scoping out the new scene(chick's) and enjoying myself. Congrats on your dream job,BTW!!

[elaine567]

I'm a young 41 (just starting a new career but still well established and know who I am) and she's an old 27 (established career, very mature in many respects but maybe still figuring out who she is). There is also the pressure of lots of weddings in her life right now. I'd never intended to date someone so young and was very skeptical going into it but we went out to dinner on our first date and I felt like she was my age. Extremely composed. We both teach, so it kind of comes with the territory.

 

I'm not totally clear on what changes she's looking for. She always wanted more commitment from me, more enthusiasm for the relationship, more openness to her more spiritual side (eastern). She's extremely positive and with my history I tend to be skeptical and a bit pessimistic at times - I'm sure she'd like me to move in her direction on that.

 

Lately I feel like the smartest move is to friendzone myself for a while and try to establish a positive feelings again. Then when I get where I'm going, see if I can convince her to come out for a visit.

 

She is playing hot and cold games with you and that is never a good sign. Why There?s No Point Being With Somebody Who Blows Hot & Cold | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

I guess she wants out, but gets pulled back in by what sounds like just sex, then regrets it in the morning.

Forget all this "love" talk, look at the actions.

A woman in love does not go as "cold as ice" in the morning for no reason. Stop being the booty call.

I think you just have to forget this one, it is going nowhere. Sorry!

[Lois_Griffin]

You don't mention why she broke up with you the first time, after you'd been together for a year.

 

Secondly, I totally understand why you took the new job across the country. However, you handled it horrifically and basically by your actions, told her you were done with her and were moving on. It's like you cast her off like an old shoe the minute an opportunity arose for you.

 

Of COURSE she's not going to forget how easily you were willing to dump her. Jesus.

 

Then, she makes the ultimate sacrifice by telling you she'll move across the freakin country for you. Away from her friends, her family and everything that's familiar to her, and instead of realizing what a sacrifice that really IS that she was willing to make, you start nickel and diming her to death, demanding she have a job first. Unreal.

 

I don't believe you're a 'booty call' at all for her. I think you've burned her too many times and her heart is just having a tough time catching up with her head, which has correctly told her that you're a bad risk.

 

And you are.

 

I wouldn't gamble on you again, either.

[lostandfoundlove]

She broke up the first time because she didn't feel like it was going anywhere - and that we were too different. And I totally get it because I was so mired in the past and so weighted by all of that baggage that I wasn't fully present.

 

I don't think it was a booty call either, just because I don't think those begin with sobbing usually.

 

What I wouldn't give for a time machine. Or at least to be able to send my past self a letter. I absolutely recognize how horrifically I handled that - though I don't think it equates to telling her I was done with her. I never said, "you can't move without a job" - just that it would be so much easier if we were able to find a job for her. It was a pragmatic approach but it didn't prioritize love and that was truly a mistake.

 

I guess what makes it so hard is that I can see it all so clearly now. I know she'd never want me to sacrifice this once-in-a-lifetime job to stay, but I would if she said she wanted that. It feels like I've just gotten to the place where I can finally be unburdened by my past and really be with her without all of that baggage getting in the way. Selling the house and stuff I shared with my ex for 10 years is a big part of that letting go.

 

Thing is, I've always been a man of my word. Always keep promises, and often tell people what I'm really feeling instead of what they want to hear. She knows that I wasn't playing with her - that I was honestly moving through these things. And she knows that what I'm telling her is what I would do... no games here.

 

Looking at the past, I'll admit that I look like a bad risk. Going forward with a clear head I don't think I am at all. I would commit to her 110% forever and I'm the kind of guy that stands by that kind of commitment through thick and thin (even after my wife cheated I wanted to do whatever it would take to make it work). It sounds like neither of you think we have any chance of saving the relationship which is so sad to me. I guess all I can do is tell her how I feel, what I would do, let her go and if she comes back it is meant to be.

 

I just don't know exactly how to keep that door open while still giving her the space she needs.

[elaine567]

She broke up the first time because she didn't feel like it was going anywhere - and that we were too different. And I totally get it because I was so mired in the past and so weighted by all of that baggage that I wasn't fully present.

 

I don't think it was a booty call either, just because I don't think those begin with sobbing usually.

 

Maybe calling it a booty call was a bit harsh, but I have been there.

Wanting to break up with someone in your head, yet being unsure at the same time, your head says break up, but your heart is still unsure.

You end up seeing him to sort it out. It all gets emotional and you both fall into bed and the next day you go "OMG I should never have done that, that was NOT my intention." So you go cold, you firm your resolve to split up and not to lead him on and then you get all emotional again and miss him and it can all happen again...

[lostandfoundlove]

I honestly don't think she even knows why she came to my house - but I don't think it was to sort things out at 2am after dancing all night. She was in tears before she made it up the stairs and I met her half-way down and held her while she cried for a long time. And then we kissed...

 

I think neither of us wants to lose the other - and we are both struggling with our different reactions to my inevitable move. Maybe she wanted to have more control in the situation which is why she ended things (we'd talked about spending the summer together and "seeing how things went" before she ended it). She's since said we should "be in each others lives" but it is hard to just drop my feelings for her.

 

It is so hard to let go when my feelings are so strong and when I know hers are too. But it seems best for now to create some distance, write her a letter - something easy and light - and encourage her to write back. And maybe someday it can be like starting over.

[elaine567]

YOU are taking on board the crying, the emotion as if that is the real her, her real feelings; but you are not looking at the distance, the coldness, the splitting up, the refusing to talk it over and the repeated requests for space.

The latter is where her head is at, I guess.

 

Something she said is a bit troubling to me - "And after talking a while said she never wanted to be in a monogamous relationship again."

Is she is seeing someone else?

It may explain all the moodiness and the inconsistency.

[lostandfoundlove]

You are right - I'm not looking at both sides (that is me hoping for what I want but not really seeing the whole picture).

 

I get the head/heart split. Everyone tells me - and they are right - I'm in a tiny town right now and met someone who is great but I'm moving to a big city and a great new job and new life - and I'll meet someone there who is amazing. And my head understands that from a pragmatic perspective. My heart just doesn't want to listen though...

 

She is dating. She jumped right into it. I don't know the details and don't want to. Too hurtful right now. But I wonder what the impact of that is on her interaction with me.

 

Sunday (the day she woke up at my house) she said we should take a break from contact. And then this morning she sends me this:

 

""For old times sake. I still read yours every week, but I like this one especially.

 

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): If you are fully committed to being both honest and kind, you will have more power to heal other people than you've had in a long time. You will have a resemblance to a magic potion or a wonder drug. Here's a caveat, however: The therapeutic influence you have to offer might be scary to those who aren't ready to be cured. The solutions you propose could be disruptive to anyone who is addicted to his or her problems. That's why I advise you to be discerning about how you share yourself. P.S. The medicine you are generating is not too potent for your own use. It's exactly what you need to transform limitation into liberation."

 

I'm trying no to read into it but such mixed messages.

For old time's sake = I used to send you these but that time is over?

I still read yours every week = I still think about you all the time?

I like this one especially = pay close attention, this is important to me?

Then a horoscope that I could interpret at least three different ways...

 

Confusing. Maybe I need distance too. Not going to reply.

[elaine567]

Maybe I need distance too. Not going to reply.

 

Yes, I agree distance is what you need.

She broke up with you, so as the dumpee you need to go no contact.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide

[lostandfoundlove]

Thanks. I'm terrible when it comes to wanting to head-read. I'm going NC.

 

"Remember: The question is NEVER "Why are they doing *this* or why have they said *that*?

The question is always, but ALWAYS:

"What do I do now?"

And the answer to that, is to not try to head-read, or second-guess. It's to keep on doing what you're doing. Ignore it, and stay in NC. "

[Noideanow]

I honestly don't think she even knows why she came to my house - but I don't think it was to sort things out at 2am after dancing all night. She was in tears before she made it up the stairs and I met her half-way down and held her while she cried for a long time. And then we kissed...

 

I think neither of us wants to lose the other - and we are both struggling with our different reactions to my INEVITABLE move. Maybe she wanted to have more control in the situation which is why she ended things (we'd talked about spending the summer together and "seeing how things went" before she ended it). She's since said we should "be in each others lives" but it is hard to just drop my feelings for her.

 

 

Inevitable move? Do you love her really? Think twice if you do, because you seem to make the same mistake over and over,

[Noideanow]

Sorry to be hard on you before hadnt read all you wrote so i see you have grown through the experiences. Just wish you luck and hope it will work out if its meant to be:o

[lostandfoundlove]

It's okay. I do love her, more than I can articulate. Would I give up my dream job and ruin my future career prospects for the rest of my life if she said I had to in order to save the relationship? Probably. Would that be good for either of us or a good way to start a relationship over? Probably not.