Quit job...Desperate to Rebuild my Life. But How?

[StrungOut1975]

When I moved away my xeap then REALLY dropped me cold when the plan was friends.

Basically, heres some tough love...you cant obsess him into loving you, cant pity him into it, demand it, earn it...nothing you do will get him to where you need him to be.

He isn't yours...how do you romanticize someone who doesn't care to share your company in a simple lunch.

 

In this next month I would show poise, strength, calmness, self control...

Dont let him think "thank god this drama queen is gone"

Print pictures from your computer from home of lovely spots in your new hometown. Start focusing on that and dreaming of your new life.

Get excited. Know he will be stuck in the same old life, marriage and boring unhappy routine.

It takes 28 days to form a habit.

Think of him like a cigarette.

Detach. Be polite if he addresses you but do not initiate, change anything you can in your routine to avoid him..if u can park elsewhere, eat elsewhere...anything.

Get your s h i t together and start pulling away.

Make a list of the horrible ways he made you feel and read..re-read.

Hes texting you when hes bored and needs an ego stroke.

Dont play games with text...short reply "Ive got xyz to work on, staying focused, have a good day" if he replies...ignore.

If you have the inner strength...leave your phone off or in your car.

Toughen up.

Get control of your emotions

He is married..he isn't yours...you arent a toy. He doesn't love you. Get excited about your life and a new start.

When you leave...block him or you bring him and this pain into your new life as well.

Start to hardcore detach now.

Hes only a man. A cheating loser.

Give him no focus, be done.

Woman up.

 

^^^ so very encouraging. I was already contacted this morning. My response was minimal and I am doing everything in my power to avoid the sight of him the remainder of the day. The thought of forming a new habit in 28 days gives me hope and strength. When he met me, I carried myself like a Queen.. In fact, that is probably what drew him to me.. I have become less than a shell of who I used to be. It's beyond humiliating. I will take your suggestions and apply them now. I love the idea of printing out photos of the new area. At least the obsession will be a healthy one. Is there a thread I can go to, to read your story?

[StrungOut1975]

Yes, I am for the most part over him. We were involved pa & ea for 2 1/2 years, physical several times a week, lots of quality time built into work schedules. A few 'breakups'. It wasn't until the job change that it started to stick and the pain of divorce stripping away illusions. I was fortunate if you can call it that to start seeing just how many imperfections he had, there were character traits beyond the cheating that seeped into the affair. Being able to focus on those helped. It wasn't strict nc right away but its been 10 months since anything sexual (I havent slept with anyone else yet) and 8 months since ending things to have a different perspective on him and what our relationship was.

 

My exh tried making changes and I was too into mm for it to make a difference. It was too little too late. I would've been more receptive to him now. Your M doesn't stand a chance until you're over mm.

 

Of course every m is unique. I didn't have a spark to get back, my m was based on practicality and it stopped being even that. My ex had issues that needed more than date nights to turn our marriage into a healthy one. Unfortunately the very nature of his issues meant being unreceptive to changing them. If you were once in love, your h is making changes and is willing to stick it out, (which is just...wow. Asking a lot for a maybe) it could be worth it to see if your heart softens to him but it won't for a while and you may need some time on your own to get to neutral ground to start from.

 

Nothing will change for you until you are ready to want that change.

 

The advice others have given me here has been great.

 

Your story is very encouraging. Question, did you leave your job because you wanted to end the affair? Also, did you relocate to another state? Did that help with the triggers?

[Josmatjes]

It's very hard what you are going through because you get pulled back in. I can tell you I have been there in every sense of the word and it is a total obsession and it's like a drug and you just need one hit!

Here are some things I've done that made ALL the difference...

 

You need to block him...like NOW,! What are you waiting for?

 

Like the other posters said, park elsewhere! Avoid him at all costs! Drive a different route!

 

I got a journal and I wrote myself a letter and I also wrote down every way he has disappointed me...

 

Quiet storm on LS has a great post that I've been reading and rereading and it's pretty much helped me to get to indifference...

 

Also I have a friend on here that we went no contact/blocking together and we email each other encouragement and check in with each other everyday! She is a lifeline for me!

 

You can do this but you need to take that first step! Aren't you worth it??

[StrungOut1975]

It's very hard what you are going through because you get pulled back in. I can tell you I have been there in every sense of the word and it is a total obsession and it's like a drug and you just need one hit!

Here are some things I've done that made ALL the difference...

 

You need to block him...like NOW,! What are you waiting for?

 

Like the other posters said, park elsewhere! Avoid him at all costs! Drive a different route!

 

I got a journal and I wrote myself a letter and I also wrote down every way he has disappointed me...

 

Quiet storm on LS has a great post that I've been reading and rereading and it's pretty much helped me to get to indifference...

 

Also I have a friend on here that we went no contact/blocking together and we email each other encouragement and check in with each other everyday! She is a lifeline for me!

 

You can do this but you need to take that first step! Aren't you worth it??

 

 

Thank you for understanding. I feel as though this obsession has literally chemically altered my brain. What's worse is that I will read an encouraging post here and go right back to pining or doing something destructive. I'm not well and I know it. I cry extremely easily and can only get MM out of my mind when I'm obsessing HARD about something else. I am no different than any other addict. I have lost friends and family and am on the verge of losing my job. My professional reputation is the only "facade" I have left in tact. If I am "found out" here, I will certainly be pushed over the edge into a depression that will take years to rebound from. Question, do you all think working remotely 2000 miles away will help or should I just give up the job all together?

[Southern Sun]

Working remotely is better than working in the same physical space, but IMO anything that triggers a memory of him is bad for you. And your current employer, the terminology, the brand, the co-workers, everything - they will trigger you. Only you can know whether you are strong enough to handle that. I have to tell you, based on your postings, it doesn't sound like you are.

 

Just a thought - are you seeing a doc or a psych at all? It really may help you to look into getting on SSRIs or a similar type of medication (if you are not already on something). Not only can they help with depression but they can also help with interrupting obsessive thinking, stopping that feedback loop in your brain. That is something you can do proactively, right now.

 

ETA, they can take a few weeks to build up to therapeutic levels, but you should feel some impact in a couple of weeks, and at least you will know you are taking action immediately. That gives you a psychological boost.

[StrungOut1975]

Working remotely is better than working in the same physical space, but IMO anything that triggers a memory of him is bad for you. And your current employer, the terminology, the brand, the co-workers, everything - they will trigger you. Only you can know whether you are strong enough to handle that. I have to tell you, based on your postings, it doesn't sound like you are.

 

Just a thought - are you seeing a doc or a psych at all? It really may help you to look into getting on SSRIs or a similar type of medication (if you are not already on something). Not only can they help with depression but they can also help with interrupting obsessive thinking, stopping that feedback loop in your brain. That is something you can do proactively, right now.

 

ETA, they can take a few weeks to build up to therapeutic levels, but you should feel some impact in a couple of weeks, and at least you will know you are taking action immediately. That gives you a psychological boost.

 

 

This is a good idea and something I will look into. I just need this nightmare to end. You're right about the distance possibly not helping. In any event, it may afford me the opportunity to find something else and not be without a job. I definitely believe the change of scenery will help a lot. At least, I'm praying it will.

[Southern Sun]

This is a good idea and something I will look into. I just need this nightmare to end. You're right about the distance possibly not helping. In any event, it may afford me the opportunity to find something else and not be without a job. I definitely believe the change of scenery will help a lot. At least, I'm praying it will.

 

Just note, I do think the distance will help. I'm just saying that I think it will take more than physical distance to help you fully recover.

[autumnnight]

This whole situation makes me so sad.

 

Yes, you are very wrong for being with your boss and helping him to betray his wife.

 

On your end, though....this just breaks my heart. You endure 15 YEARS of your H cheating and neglecting you, you have an A, confess, and then your H and church turns around and shuns YOU.

 

For a variety of reasons this just makes me hurt for you. You indicate you stayed married to a chronic cheater mainly for religious reasons, and now YOU are the monster who deserves to be shunned.

 

 

There are some things I will NEVER understand about people.....

 

I'm so sorry.

[Josmatjes]

Getting away from him will help but you have to block him. You aren't any different in your depression than any of us were. But you have make a choice! Put on your big girl panties and tell him to F off! This is your life! Your not getting another one!

[Josmatjes]

I don't mean to sound harsh but sometimes you need to take matters into your own hands. People want to mold us to be what they want. Your husband, friends, family, church...etc.

It's hard to break free of that but they Re shaming you right now while your husband gets off Scott free. I'm catholic too so I get it but I also have my own beliefs! You need to file for divorce and move! That is your answer to. Better you! It's hard...but anything worth fighting for usually is! And you will be happier that you chose you!!

[privategal]

^^^ so very encouraging. I was already contacted this morning. My response was minimal and I am doing everything in my power to avoid the sight of him the remainder of the day. The thought of forming a new habit in 28 days gives me hope and strength. When he met me, I carried myself like a Queen.. In fact, that is probably what drew him to me.. I have become less than a shell of who I used to be. It's beyond humiliating. I will take your suggestions and apply them now. I love the idea of printing out photos of the new area. At least the obsession will be a healthy one. Is there a thread I can go to, to read your story?

 

My story spans close to 2 decades of an ea with a coworker.

We were both married. Became best friends, fell in love, or what seemed like love...hard to say but we were addicted, both obsessed...

Many times over wed break up...he'd play hot and cold, blame guilt...it began a cycle.

I finally found a job in a new city.

The ea had ended for months...we were still very much in touch...just friends...we met many times to say goodbye begore I moved...he begged to keep up the friendship, I agreef.. Hed call, email, text daily after I moved and several weeks in he dropped me cold turkey and cut me out.

I nearly drowned in tears...hit depression, almost rock bottom, aged horrifically, lost sleep, looked like hell.

I clawed my way back...made a new start sloowly..got counseling and am in ways still healing but am at indifference.

There were no memories ir triggers in the new city.

I got busy..engaged in my new job, found beaches and new restaurants...didnt play music for awhile...the light in my life came back on...the color in my world came back.

Theres hope.

Do you have an hr department? Can you take a breif leave if absence (a doctor can help with a work note...your job would be protected) or a vacation? Could you leave a week earlier to set up your new home? Would they allow that time?

Go for walks...exercise...meet friends at lunch...dream of your new life.

You need your job...keep at it...see how it goes.

Hes not worth your life.

You don't have to stop loving but you need to disengage.

You need to stop...this is YOUR LIFE.

You've got to get that queen back and you can.

Start now...get tough. Your sounding solid, your not crazy...just a little lost. The light is at the wnd of the tunnel.

Hold on. Consider a breif leave if absence and a doctor's care. Your gonna get through this.

[StrungOut1975]

My story spans close to 2 decades of an ea with a coworker.

We were both married. Became best friends, fell in love, or what seemed like love...hard to say but we were addicted, both obsessed...

Many times over wed break up...he'd play hot and cold, blame guilt...it began a cycle.

I finally found a job in a new city.

The ea had ended for months...we were still very much in touch...just friends...we met many times to say goodbye begore I moved...he begged to keep up the friendship, I agreef.. Hed call, email, text daily after I moved and several weeks in he dropped me cold turkey and cut me out.

I nearly drowned in tears...hit depression, almost rock bottom, aged horrifically, lost sleep, looked like hell.

I clawed my way back...made a new start sloowly..got counseling and am in ways still healing but am at indifference.

There were no memories ir triggers in the new city.

I got busy..engaged in my new job, found beaches and new restaurants...didnt play music for awhile...the light in my life came back on...the color in my world came back.

Theres hope.

Do you have an hr department? Can you take a breif leave if absence (a doctor can help with a work note...your job would be protected) or a vacation? Could you leave a week earlier to set up your new home? Would they allow that time?

Go for walks...exercise...meet friends at lunch...dream of your new life.

You need your job...keep at it...see how it goes.

Hes not worth your life.

You don't have to stop loving but you need to disengage.

You need to stop...this is YOUR LIFE.

You've got to get that queen back and you can.

Start now...get tough. Your sounding solid, your not crazy...just a little lost. The light is at the wnd of the tunnel.

Hold on. Consider a breif leave if absence and a doctor's care. Your gonna get through this.

 

Ugh... Two decades? How'd you have the strength to keep going that long? At the rate I'm going, I'll be committed by the end of the year. I identify with the "aging" comment. This relationship is wreaking havoc on me internally.. It's only a matter of time before the inside catches up with the outside. Fortunately, I will be off for two weeks and then only 30 more working days with MM. I know 2 months might not seem to be a long time to some, but for me, everyday of it will be a struggle. I can only describe the A process as cancerous and debilitating. I am, however, fully determined to get my life back.

 

On a side note, why do they run so hot and cold? I thought this was a characteristic of the MM I'm involved with but it seems to be a common thread. Why are these men so plugged in one day and disconnected the next?

[elaine567]

On a side note, why do they run so hot and cold? I thought this was a characteristic of the MM I'm involved with but it seems to be a common thread. Why are these men so plugged in one day and disconnected the next?

 

Push pull behaviour of the MM.

 

He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant...

He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant...

He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant..."

[StrungOut1975]

Push pull behaviour of the MM.

 

He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant...

He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant...

He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant..."

 

Hmmm.. This would imply that these men are capable of human feeling.. I never realized how debilitating the guilt is on their end as well. Gosh, we are equally killing each other. The A is extremely selfish on both sides and the complete opposite of love.