Author lessthanherex Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 So, what a minute... the ex that you refer to in your handle is a 14 year old? Wow!! Comprehension here sucks. The ex I refer to is older than me. That really has nothing to do with my post though. The point is......one partner in my marriage had sex at 14. The other at 17. Currently, one is not as sexual active. The other is more sexually active. Studies have not shown increase or decrease in sexual activity based on age. In fact, less than 23% of people even have sex at 14-15 years old. Even fewer have sex on a recurring basis, let alone with more frequency than a 20-40 year old. This is fact. Now, I am also in the minority when it comes to frequency of sex at my age, in a marriage. There is no disputing that our married sex life is a below-average frequency. The real question here is; how did our teenage sex lives affect the outcome? This has no bearing on my thoughts of how my wife acted at age 14. I have an opinion, but that information was simply to allow background on the two people involved. It is not a direction of argument. There is no argument. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lessthanherex Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 She was a teenager than. There IS no comparison. You are looking for something to be outraged about. I advise counseling....for YOU. Not that it relates to my post, but it relates to your reply: Another FEMALE post in this forum was about that place in your heart for your first. There is no denying women cherish that first loss of innocence in most cases. Whiel it was in the past, it does affect your feelings and thoughts beyond your teen years. Link to post Share on other sites
sosadaboutus Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Not that it relates to my post, but it relates to your reply: Another FEMALE post in this forum was about that place in your heart for your first. There is no denying women cherish that first loss of innocence in most cases. Whiel it was in the past, it does affect your feelings and thoughts beyond your teen years. I think most people (not just women) have a place in their heart for their first love (sexual or not), but it is just a nostalgic feeling. You can't compare yourself to your wife's first sexual partner at 14, because it's likely that this has nothing to do with your sexless marriage. Sexless marriage happens because of something that is happening to your and your wife's relationship in the present. It's somewhat natural to wonder why it worked for her then, but not now. However, the two have nothing to do with each other. Likely, as a 14 year old girl, hormones were going crazy. They probably aren't now and maybe there are some other factors affecting her drive. The more you obsess about her past, the more you will drive her away, and this will become a self-fulfilling prophesy that she "preferred her teenage ex" to sex with you. I'm with the people that have recommended MC or IC. It sounds to me like you are feeling insecure. I know, this is something I have a lot of experience with, personally. However, individual counselling has helped me, greatly. I wish you the best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Your wife's innocence days are long over and you should get over the whole thing. Her past is irrelevant to you, because you can't change it. Focus on what you can do now to solve the situation you're in. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lessthanherex Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 You can't compare yourself to your wife's first sexual partner at 14, because it's likely that this has nothing to do with your sexless marriage. Likely, as a 14 year old girl, hormones were going crazy. They probably aren't now and maybe there are some other factors affecting her drive. No comparison to him, directly. Simply looking at how it affected her view on sex versus mine. So, you say hormones caused her to have sex at 14, and that is OK? Well, I am raging right now, so can I just go screw twenty women, and that is OK too? Link to post Share on other sites
sosadaboutus Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 No comparison to him, directly. Simply looking at how it affected her view on sex versus mine. So, you say hormones caused her to have sex at 14, and that is OK? Well, I am raging right now, so can I just go screw twenty women, and that is OK too? No, I'm saying that hormones is why it's not comparable to her drive then to her drive now. It's apples and oranges. I'm not going to make any sort of morality judgement call on her 14 year old behavior. You can't do anything to change it, and neither can she. Our views of sex change over time, people change. Judging her as a teenager does nothing to fix your current issue. I understand your anger and that you are looking for something or someone to blame for your sexless marriage. I've been there, and what I've learned, so far, is that nothing in your partners past caused the issue in the present. The only answer is to try to work it out with your partner now, as you both are, currently. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lessthanherex Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 Your wife's innocence days are long over and you should get over the whole thing. Her past is irrelevant to you, because you can't change it. Focus on what you can do now to solve the situation you're in. So right you are which is why I fear the end result. I fear that what I know now has made me feel different about who I married. I married a valedictorian who never drank in high school and never dated "bad boys' (I thought). She didn't live with a boyfriend and her college boyfriend was at another school. She had a moral high ground it seemed, her Mom was anti-alcohol and we hid the fact that I was staying at her apartment when we dated. Her Mom was a teacher, and kept boys at bay in her class (not the older ones apparently) because she knew how they talked/acted. The boy she dated was a "nice" boy. She resisted sex initially with me, and we did not have intercourse even when we did start. She seemed so good. I knew she wasn't a virgin, but with only two lovers, how bad could it be?.........fast forward.........I have learned she started at 14, she had frequent sex, in her parent's house, her parent's knew, she dumped her first to go after the "hot" #2, and had sex every time they met, and she knew how to perform like a pro. She concealed her #1's size, and denied her admitted attraction to #2 over me. While she has seemingly been faithful (I think) to me, she is not who I thought she was, and to make that more difficult she doesn't think as much of me as she used to. Negative comments constantly. I do something nice/romantic, it is met with a comment about wanting sex or about her past. I really do not want to hang on to the past. I would rather rewind to a time I didn't know anything, and have my bride back. That day is also in the past, just as much as her innocence is in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 No comparison to him, directly. Simply looking at how it affected her view on sex versus mine. So, you say hormones caused her to have sex at 14, and that is OK? Well, I am raging right now, so can I just go screw twenty women, and that is OK too? If you are seriously asking the above question, then the age at which your wife lost her virginity is the least of your problems. You aren't getting the kind of sex you want, so you want to blame you wife's 14 year old self and retroactively call her a whore. The solution is simple: grow up 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lessthanherex Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 No, I'm saying that hormones is why it's not comparable to her drive then to her drive now. It's apples and oranges. I'm not going to make any sort of morality judgement call on her 14 year old behavior. You can't do anything to change it, and neither can she. Our views of sex change over time, people change. Judging her as a teenager does nothing to fix your current issue. I understand your anger and that you are looking for something or someone to blame for your sexless marriage. I've been there, and what I've learned, so far, is that nothing in your partners past caused the issue in the present. The only answer is to try to work it out with your partner now, as you both are, currently. Thanks! Read above ^^^ I want that, but the past is the past. She has already hurt me just as I have been hurt by her past. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Thanks! Read above ^^^ I want that, but the past is the past. She has already hurt me just as I have been hurt by her past. How exactly can you be hurt by a past you were not part of? That is not rational. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lessthanherex Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 If you are seriously asking the above question, then the age at which your wife lost her virginity is the least of your problems. You aren't getting the kind of sex you want, so you want to blame you wife's 14 year old self and retroactively call her a whore. The solution is simple: grow up No, I am blaming my current and present wife for the lack thereof. Her actions at 14 are simply an addition to the situation. I'd love to ignore her past. The problem is that my issues are because they were presented to me more recently, changed my image of what I thought was her past, continued to see evidence through pictures she looked through, and the incident at the reunion. You don't know how much I would love to have NEVER known the past. How can I ignore what is being shoved in front of me? My brother-in law's father called me #2's name the entire time we were together. Innocent mistake, but my wife and family laughed, added to the torment by prolonging the "humor" and now I am left without the affection I thought would always be there. Never called her a "whore" retro-actively. Yes, I certainly do not understand and I am angered. It changed my perspective. She nearly got pregnant at 14 years old. It is irresponsible and not correct, no matter how young and hormonal you are. Now, she wants to reason about sex because she is all grown up and sex is a delicate thing. I had sex before her too. I just imagined her being 18, or even 16 at worst. I never imagined her entire adolescence to be filled with sexual activity. Like I said, this has to affect someone. She NEVER went without a boyfriend, and she NEVER went without sex. I'm not different to her in that realm. That is heartbreaking. Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Sometimes our mind is too polluded with emotions to see things for what they are and our actions become erratic. I understand you cannot just get over this new information as much as you want to, which is why I think you could use some help from a professional as some posters have suggested. If you don't have a friend to confide in, you're welcome to continue posting here. Some people may come across as harsh, but their contributions often come from experience and vast knowledge on situations like yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Carson Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 You need the hot tub time machine! and probably lots of therapy. Come on man you cant be serious...really? If this argument holds water in your mind, then your wife should be mad at you for all the money you spent before you met her, I bet she could use all that money about now! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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