¨I need a time on my own¨he said, but still loves me

[Laurenhergensen]

Ok, so... Here´s the story:

 

I`ve been in a 2 year and a half relationship with my boyfriend. He and i shared a very special connection, we went through so much together, like, for real... I got cancer after a few months we started dating, and he was still by my side, when i recovered we went on a two month trip around australia... We made so many things together, things that neither of us has ever done before with other people.

 

We loved each other very much, i´m pretty sure of it. But... The problem is we always fight over the dumbest things! Like being jealous (my fault most of the time, i admit it. But both of us are). Lately, we've been having very stupid fights like every week!

 

Four days ago, we were having an argument again, and this time he started telling me that he didn't know if we were both going in the same direction, because he didn't see me fighting for what i wanted in life, and he wants someone who can walk by his side and not behind him (he's almost done with college, has a job and has a football career... and me, well... im still in college, but thats all i do for now)...

 

And he said to me that because of all of that free time that i have, im always searching for something to fight with him... After that, we kept arguing and well... i broke up with him, because honestly, i felt like he was so tired of me.

 

Yesterday we spoke, and i asked him if he still loved me like before, if this is because of me or because there was someone else and if he's been thinking all these things a long time ago.

 

He said he still loved me, that his feeling hasn't changed a bit, that there was absolutely no one else, but that he needed time for himself, because he was feeling like he spent most of the time worrying about me, feeling like he had to guide me or something (i do not agree to that, because i honestly never asked him to guide me or to leave any of his activities for me)... And that he was way too tired of all the fights, he couldn't handle it anymore, so thats why he exploded and realized he needed time for himself, to fix his own issues, achieve his goals and that he would seek for help on a psychologist because he felt lost, and that he needed someone to tell him what to do right now and that he didn't know if this break up was going to be permanent or if it was going to be temporary. He also told me that i should focus on college right now, and use this ¨free¨ time to do that, but that he didn't mean that i should stop thinking about him or he would stop thinking about me, because i was always on his mind

 

So, honestly, that hit me hard. Because i realized how much those fights have wasted our relationship, and i feel terrible because i feel like lately, all fights started because of me.

 

I told him that it was okay if he wanted his time, if he needed to do his own things and stuff... And that if anything changes in his feelings towards me, please tell me even if its going to be hard for me:(

He just said that he would tell me, that he would never play with me, and that he wouldn't have me hanging there for a year or months, that he wouldn't do that to me. He also told me to calm down and not take things so drastically, because he didn't know what to do yet...

 

I swear im very sad, i spent the whole day crying and my eyes look like two red awful balls right now

 

I just want to know what to expect now... Im scared, because i think that after this feelings can totally change. And i know that our relationship had some issues... And im thinking that maybe he will be happier without me.

 

What should i expect? should i be prepared for a complete break up?

[La.Primavera]

The way I see it is that you are technically single because you have already broken up but you are also being put on hold in case he changes his mind.

 

Yes, you need to prepare for the fact that he probably wont come back. It will also be very tough staying in this state of limbo. He may also start seeing other women as well so you need to be prepared for that shock as well.

 

Personally, I think that if he isn't willing to work things out with you together then you should walk away now and not prolong the pain further. Decide what you are willing to put up with. I would consider going complete no contact at this point.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. Take care.

[AJH1982]

Prepare yourself this situation is not going to go well! He is putting you on hold, go no contact and disappear. It´s not easy, my last relatioship ended because of this type of situation`s! Hope it ends well for you. Take care.

[aloneinaz]

You two are not compatible by the way you always fought. Him also telling you the "walking behind him" comments demonstrated pretty severe concern by him as well.

 

 

You're both young and this was just a college relationships. I'm not trying to demean the relationship nor say it doesn't hurt. My point is you both should be having different relationships and experiences.

 

 

If someone told me they needed time away to think about staying together, I'd understand the true meaning. I'd also start worrying about myself and accepting the relationship was over and heal from it.

[Itspointless]

I got cancer after a few months we started dating, and he was still by my side [...] he wants someone who can walk by his side and not behind him (he's almost done with college, has a job and has a football career... and me, well... im still in college, but thats all i do for now)... [...] he was feeling like he spent most of the time worrying about me, feeling like he had to guide me or something [...] he would seek for help on a psychologist because he felt lost, and that he needed someone to tell him what to do right now

Am I the only one who thinks his remark is offensive?

 

I think there are few things at play here, as always I could be wrong. He seems to be a rescuer, but most rescuers need to be rescued themselves. Secondly he apparently also is pretty full of himself having done and accomplished the things above. Do not get me wrong, it is beautiful that he is been there for you, but apparently he did not do it for free, it seems he was hoping for some rewards himself. Add to this the view that he has done pretty well. Well, I can tell you his life has just begun: it is never wise to think too soon that you are accomplished. You seem to be very strong too, having battled cancer. Unfortunately it seems that he is looking towards you in a certain manner which indicates that he has a somewhat different opinion. Opinions of others are not easily changed. Third, with ending his college he is at a existential turning-point that comes with a lot of uncertainty. Most people want a change at that age: start that new phase with exciting challenges. it seems he needs some new challenges as well.

 

Try to move on, I think it is the best thing you can do. You are strong, it will get better.

[JewelD]

Ok, so... Here´s the story:

 

I`ve been in a 2 year and a half relationship with my boyfriend. He and i shared a very special connection, we went through so much together, like, for real... I got cancer after a few months we started dating, and he was still by my side, when i recovered we went on a two month trip around australia... We made so many things together, things that neither of us has ever done before with other people.

 

We loved each other very much, i´m pretty sure of it. But... The problem is we always fight over the dumbest things! Like being jealous (my fault most of the time, i admit it. But both of us are). Lately, we've been having very stupid fights like every week!

 

Four days ago, we were having an argument again, and this time he started telling me that he didn't know if we were both going in the same direction, because he didn't see me fighting for what i wanted in life, and he wants someone who can walk by his side and not behind him (he's almost done with college, has a job and has a football career... and me, well... im still in college, but thats all i do for now)...

 

And he said to me that because of all of that free time that i have, im always searching for something to fight with him... After that, we kept arguing and well... i broke up with him, because honestly, i felt like he was so tired of me.

 

Yesterday we spoke, and i asked him if he still loved me like before, if this is because of me or because there was someone else and if he's been thinking all these things a long time ago.

 

He said he still loved me, that his feeling hasn't changed a bit, that there was absolutely no one else, but that he needed time for himself, because he was feeling like he spent most of the time worrying about me, feeling like he had to guide me or something (i do not agree to that, because i honestly never asked him to guide me or to leave any of his activities for me)... And that he was way too tired of all the fights, he couldn't handle it anymore, so thats why he exploded and realized he needed time for himself, to fix his own issues, achieve his goals and that he would seek for help on a psychologist because he felt lost, and that he needed someone to tell him what to do right now and that he didn't know if this break up was going to be permanent or if it was going to be temporary. He also told me that i should focus on college right now, and use this ¨free¨ time to do that, but that he didn't mean that i should stop thinking about him or he would stop thinking about me, because i was always on his mind

 

So, honestly, that hit me hard. Because i realized how much those fights have wasted our relationship, and i feel terrible because i feel like lately, all fights started because of me.

 

I told him that it was okay if he wanted his time, if he needed to do his own things and stuff... And that if anything changes in his feelings towards me, please tell me even if its going to be hard for me:(

He just said that he would tell me, that he would never play with me, and that he wouldn't have me hanging there for a year or months, that he wouldn't do that to me. He also told me to calm down and not take things so drastically, because he didn't know what to do yet...

 

I swear im very sad, i spent the whole day crying and my eyes look like two red awful balls right now

 

I just want to know what to expect now... Im scared, because i think that after this feelings can totally change. And i know that our relationship had some issues... And im thinking that maybe he will be happier without me.

 

What should i expect? should i be prepared for a complete break up?

 

 

 

You don't want someone who is unsure about you after 2 and a half years. If he doesn't know he wants to be with by now, there's nothing else you can do. It takes two to tango, those fights were not entirely your fault since you can't argue with yourself.

 

I know you don't want to hear this, but he is probably going to end things. If he doesn't do it now, he will do it eventually. and that's okay. Did you have to think about whether or not you loved him or wanted to be with him? It's not something you 'think' about, you either feel it or you don't. The hesitation should be enough to let you know it's time to move on.

 

Don't believe him when he says he won't play with you or hurt you. He's already doing that! Somebody who loves you would NOT make you wait around to figure out what they want to do with you. They would not make you feel like you 'owe' them for helping you in your times of need. They also wouldn't want to be broken up with you for even a second.

 

Remove yourself from the situation. Let him see what his life is really like without you completely. NO CONTACT! This will more importantly give you time to get to know yourself and focus your attention on college or just having fun with friends or family. Take up a new hobby, read a book, listen to music. and if he comes back, you'll be the one in the position of power to choose whether you want him back or not.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I would prepare for a break-up. I know it's hard, but it seems there was trouble brewing for a while. I think he doesn't respect you as much as you respect him. Him saying he wants someone to "walk beside him" and not "behind" him indicates that he feels you're not on the same level. I would have been rather insulted by that, to be honest.

 

You've already broken up with him. Initiate no contact and see how you feel when he's truly removed from your life. All the fighting points to an incompatibility and it wasn't healthy. You might just find that in the end, you're better off without that.

[Laurenhergensen]

i know that we´re probably done, at least that´s what i´m preparing for... he texted me today, and we talked for a while... just casual conversation, asked me how i was doing, told me a few things he did in the day, it was such a freaking NORMAL conversation (like how we used to talk) and the worst is that he even sent me one of those stupid whatsapp emojis of a heart when saying goodbye... it confused me for a while... but i don't know, i think he was just checking on me to see if i was ok...

 

oh well.. for a moment it made me totally happy, but i can't be THAT naive, so yeah.

[minime13]

I don't know what there is to say.

 

He was exasperated because he loves you and was naming out the problems you guys have in your relationship, and you broke up with him.

 

Then you come back and ask if he still loves you? You broke up with him. Then you come back and ask him how he feels? I don't understand that concept. You're the one that broke up with him, and now it seems like you're asking him to explain himself.

 

He's confused as hell, most likely, and hurt because you broke up with him. I'm wondering if other people giving you advice read what you posted, because it seems like they are drawing a conclusion that he's unsure about things - but you're the one that ended it. He's hurt that breaking up was your answer.

 

I would have to say that you need to walk away and give that space, because those were some pretty screwed up and mixed messages from you to break up with him and then ask him if you were the problem or if there was someone else. I don't get that.

 

Move on. The break-up already happened, by you. You called the shots, so stick to them.

[Mrin]

I don't know what there is to say.

 

He was exasperated because he loves you and was naming out the problems you guys have in your relationship, and you broke up with him.

 

Then you come back and ask if he still loves you? You broke up with him. Then you come back and ask him how he feels? I don't understand that concept. You're the one that broke up with him, and now it seems like you're asking him to explain himself.

 

He's confused as hell, most likely, and hurt because you broke up with him. I'm wondering if other people giving you advice read what you posted, because it seems like they are drawing a conclusion that he's unsure about things - but you're the one that ended it. He's hurt that breaking up was your answer.

 

I would have to say that you need to walk away and give that space, because those were some pretty screwed up and mixed messages from you to break up with him and then ask him if you were the problem or if there was someone else. I don't get that.

 

Move on. The break-up already happened, by you. You called the shots, so stick to them.

 

This. Perfectly stated from his perspective.

[Laurenhergensen]

i know you're right... i was the one who broke up... i did it because i asked him if he felt the same way and he told me he was tired, i guess that kind of screwed with my head.

 

and yes, i am giving him time because i know he needs to calm down (as i did now)... and if he decides to end things i will understand, even though i know it will be hard as hell for me.

 

the fact that he texted me today confused me for a while, but i decided not to get too excited about it, i loved talking to him again... but i know it doesn't mean anything (i mean, not just because he texted me and talked to me it means that we are getting back together, and i don't want to get excited and then be disappointed if nothing happens because I've been through **** all these days)

[minime13]

i know you're right... i was the one who broke up... i did it because i asked him if he felt the same way and he told me he was tired, i guess that kind of screwed with my head.

 

and yes, i am giving him time because i know he needs to calm down (as i did now)... and if he decides to end things i will understand, even though i know it will be hard as hell for me.

 

the fact that he texted me today confused me for a while, but i decided not to get too excited about it, i loved talking to him again... but i know it doesn't mean anything (i mean, not just because he texted me and talked to me it means that we are getting back together, and i don't want to get excited and then be disappointed if nothing happens because I've been through **** all these days)

 

 

Okay, but again, you broke up with him. There is no decision for him to end things. There is nothing for him to decide, really, except whether or not he wants to hang onto something that you ended.

 

The best you can honestly do is to let him know that you made a mistake by giving up like that and would love to talk again about reconciling once you've both taken some time to yourselves. I'm not saying that will work, but you essentially will need to be the one that says, "I'm sorry I broke up with you, when I didn't really want to."

 

If he's actually receptive to that, then give it some time, and then let him reach out. If not, then you can start the healing process.

 

One note here: don't ever break up with someone if you don't mean to do that. It hurts the other person greatly.

[Laurenhergensen]

Okay, but again, you broke up with him. There is no decision for him to end things. There is nothing for him to decide, really, except whether or not he wants to hang onto something that you ended.

 

The best you can honestly do is to let him know that you made a mistake by giving up like that and would love to talk again about reconciling once you've both taken some time to yourselves. I'm not saying that will work, but you essentially will need to be the one that says, "I'm sorry I broke up with you, when I didn't really want to."

 

If he's actually receptive to that, then give it some time, and then let him reach out. If not, then you can start the healing process.

 

One note here: don't ever break up with someone if you don't mean to do that. It hurts the other person greatly.

 

you are absolutely right... i guess i learned that just now, i can't break up just because i get mad... i guess i was really immature...

 

thanks for your advice!

[Itspointless]

I'm not saying that will work, but you essentially will need to be the one that says, "I'm sorry I broke up with you, when I didn't really want to."

I think he owes her an apology for that awful remark about walking behind him. I would never dare to say something like that to a girlfriend, especially if she has battled cancer in the last 2 years.

[Laurenhergensen]

I think he owes her an apology for that awful remark about walking behind him. I would never dare to say something like that to a girlfriend, especially if she has battled cancer in the last 2 years.

 

thats the part i didn't agree with. Why the hell would he say that, i did never asked him for anything, i always do my stuff on my own... But i guess he was talking about how he has so many things, like a sport, college and a job and i don't...

[Itspointless]

thats the part i didn't agree with. Why the hell would he say that, i did never asked him for anything, i always do my stuff on my own... But i guess he was talking about how he has so many things, like a sport, college and a job and i don't...

Some people automaticly start helping and fixing as they have learned that in their upbringing (what I called a rescuer), usually it was their way to get love by their parents. The unfortunate part is that often these people unconsciously search for partners that are vulnerable or have problems that they can fix. There is a price though as people like that who are not aware of it also expect gratitude, even when the other did not ask for fixing or adjustments the other did supposedly in the vein of mother Theresa. I do not know him, you can best tell if he has does this in some way or not.

 

You are right, usually the explanation has to do with a combination of things. But with what has happened I would get it if you were emotionally still occupied with everything that has happened to you, he seems to be a bit oblivious of that. At your age there are so many things by society that you are expected to do. It is a bit insane to expect that you also would have done what he did.

[minime13]

I think he owes her an apology for that awful remark about walking behind him. I would never dare to say something like that to a girlfriend, especially if she has battled cancer in the last 2 years.

 

I read that as an, "I want an equal."

 

How do you apologize to someone who broke up with you? Kinda voids out any immediate apology for anything said, in my opinion.

 

Sure, maybe he can clarify and discuss what he means to her a little more, but expecting an apology from someone you dumped is a pretty nasty thought.

 

In a theoretical world, we should expect apologies for every bothersome thing said. In reality, in the heat of an argument, we shouldn't make a check list.

 

If the OP is confused or bothered by what this means, I'd say a conversation is suggested instead of an apology demanded. Of course, if the two decide to eventually reconcile.

[Itspointless]

I read that as an, "I want an equal."

That in my world reads as a bloated ego.

How do you apologize to someone who broke up with you? Kinda voids out any immediate apology for anything said, in my opinion.

I agree that it makes it difficult, For me he severely crossed the line. Saying what he did is in my world telling the world that he has not a clue what his girlfriend has lived through.

 

But than again, it think it is wise for them to talk with each-other.

[Laurenhergensen]

I think he owes her an apology for that awful remark about walking behind him. I would never dare to say something like that to a girlfriend, especially if she has battled cancer in the last 2 years.

 

He texted me yesterday... and we talked for a while, just like we used to do... and he mentioned me in an instagram picture today... WHAT THE HELL? im absolutely confused, im getting mixed signals here... i mean, i thought he wanted space..

[minime13]

He texted me yesterday... and we talked for a while, just like we used to do... and he mentioned me in an instagram picture today... WHAT THE HELL? im absolutely confused, im getting mixed signals here... i mean, i thought he wanted space..

 

So is he. Maybe you should go ahead and talk to him about how you wish that you had not broken up with him. Ask him if he wants to talk about everything; the problems and your reaction, as well as his need for space, now that you have both had space and time away from it, and see what you can sort out.

 

Seriously - I think this is one discussion (or lack thereof) away from making or breaking this completely.

[not-a-drive-by]

He texted me yesterday... and we talked for a while, just like we used to do... and he mentioned me in an instagram picture today... WHAT THE HELL? im absolutely confused, im getting mixed signals here... i mean, i thought he wanted space..

 

What do you want out of this? Is this relationship worth saving to you? Does he want the same? If yes, i would suggest that you guys take a week or two to cool down and think of ways you can make this work. I suggest no contact during this time to really reflect. He needs his time to think. He has been contacting you because he misses the norm which confuses you and him.

 

A way to kick this off is to say, 'hey. In the heat of things, i broke up with you. But upon thinking about things, I'd like to work things through with you. Let's take a week alone to think about the relationship and how we can work on it'.

 

I say this because i went through something similar a few weeks ago. Majority of people here told me its over but i did what felt right. I'm not here to give you hope that things will work out, but this is your relationship. We can only give you opinions from our experoences. You know this guy and what he is like. We base our advice on assumptions.

 

It takes two to tango in every relationship. So don't feel that you are to be blamed for things that have happened, especially when he blames you in the arguments. Sometimes it comes down to communication on both sides....what you want from each other. It doesn't seem like he told you what he wanted and it hit you like a bus when it all came out.

[Laurenhergensen]

What do you want out of this? Is this relationship worth saving to you? Does he want the same? If yes, i would suggest that you guys take a week or two to cool down and think of ways you can make this work. I suggest no contact during this time to really reflect. He needs his time to think. He has been contacting you because he misses the norm which confuses you and him.

 

A way to kick this off is to say, 'hey. In the heat of things, i broke up with you. But upon thinking about things, I'd like to work things through with you. Let's take a week alone to think about the relationship and how we can work on it'.

 

I say this because i went through something similar a few weeks ago. Majority of people here told me its over but i did what felt right. I'm not here to give you hope that things will work out, but this is your relationship. We can only give you opinions from our experoences. You know this guy and what he is like. We base our advice on assumptions.

 

It takes two to tango in every relationship. So don't feel that you are to be blamed for things that have happened, especially when he blames you in the arguments. Sometimes it comes down to communication on both sides....what you want from each other. It doesn't seem like he told you what he wanted and it hit you like a bus when it all came out.

 

I guess i really want for this to work, right now, i don't feel too guilty anymore because i realized in these days that im not dependent on him like he said, at all... About the fights, yes... But about that, NO. I admit im a little pissed off now, i think im going through stages haha... im pissed off because i think he's being a little unfair there... But oh well... He can do whatever he wants, if he decides to go, ok, i will understand, if he stays, i will be really happy, its up to him right now... As long as he does not tell me we are over and then after a few months comes back, because if he ever does that, i swear im gonna punch him right in the face.

[not-a-drive-by]

I guess i really want for this to work, right now, i don't feel too guilty anymore because i realized in these days that im not dependent on him like he said, at all... About the fights, yes... But about that, NO. I admit im a little pissed off now, i think im going through stages haha... im pissed off because i think he's being a little unfair there... But oh well... He can do whatever he wants, if he decides to go, ok, i will understand, if he stays, i will be really happy, its up to him right now... As long as he does not tell me we are over and then after a few months comes back, because if he ever does that, i swear im gonna punch him right in the face.

 

Good, so you want to work it out. Have the convo with him and ask whether he wants the same as well. If he does, then take some time on both sides to cool down and think on how the relationship can work.

 

You will be going through a range of emotions right now: guilty, sad, upset, angry, calm. It'll just keep going. If you keep talking right now, it will confuse you guys more. So relax, work on yourself a bit and think over things.

 

If he comes back but breaks up in the next few months, then you know it wasn't meant to be.

[Laurenhergensen]

Good, so you want to work it out. Have the convo with him and ask whether he wants the same as well. If he does, then take some time on both sides to cool down and think on how the relationship can work.

 

You will be going through a range of emotions right now: guilty, sad, upset, angry, calm. It'll just keep going. If you keep talking right now, it will confuse you guys more. So relax, work on yourself a bit and think over things.

 

If he comes back but breaks up in the next few months, then you know it wasn't meant to be.

 

I just had this crazy revelation haha...

 

I was thinking... Im not as bad as he said... I mean, i always supported him through his ****, when he was lost and he didn't know what to do... I was there... No matter what.

 

And is not like he's paying my college, or being my tutor or anything like that.. holly cow... I've been feeling like crap because of what he said...

 

I think im the one who needs time to think now, not just him... obviously i love him, a lot... but i can't stop feeling disappointed and i don't know if i should be ¨waiting¨ for someone who can't appreciate me like he should. Oh god.

 

Just needed to let it out.

[Itspointless]

I just had this crazy revelation haha... [...] I think im the one who needs time to think now, not just him... obviously i love him, a lot... but i can't stop feeling disappointed and i don't know if i should be ¨waiting¨ for someone who can't appreciate me like he should.

Yes :bunny: Even if eventually you decide to go back, let him know this!