Did I Overreact?

[Sammy1974]

In previous posts I described a situation where my husband was exchanging texts with a female coworker. For the majority of the time it was during work hours, with the rare single text exchanged after work, or on a weekend day. If you all remember, he never hid these from me and was always very transparent.

Over a week ago, he and I had a big argument because he had texted her "Happy last day of school." (They both work in a school, he was not at work as he took the last couple of days off). That same day, I told him I want you to take yourself off my phone bill and get your own phone line and he did. As a side, we are going back on the family plan so we will be sharing an account again this week or next as we discussed. I asked him to get his own phone line because I was driving myself crazy looking at the account online multiple times a day, checking to see if any texts were exhanged.

So, for over a week now he has had his own phone account. Of course, this means I can no longer check to see if he has been texting this person. All I can do is look at the phone (which I do all the time), but that doesn't really mean anything, since he can delete texts. His phone behavior has not changed, and the phone is unlocked, left near me all the time, with him not even in the room. We have been together almost all day for over a week now (basically since his school year ended) as we moved into our new place and have been busy getting settled. I have my own business so I make up my own schedule and have been around almost all day, every day.

So my question is this? Did I overreact in the past regarding the texts? She has not reached out to him, and he has not reached out to her (at least to the best of my knowledge). Do you think that if there was a romantic or sexual intent there, they wouldn't have gone this long without communicating?It is still in the back of my mind. I had a dream about this last night and I am afraid that I am just obsessing over this for no reason. I am an intelligent, successful, and confident woman, and I do not like feeling this way. Yet, I can't shake it. Any ideas?

[Lois_Griffin]

There may have been a friendship or flirtation at one point, but I still believe his somewhat disordered personality has been a complete turn off for her because now she can't avoid him enough and has stopped wanting to be his 'friend.'

 

At this point, you can only guess at what his intentions were.

[Anderlie]

In every other thread you've started you state that your husband has said he's better at being friends with women, that he's shy, that he isn't great socially, that he doesn't enjoy being friends with men and that even if he did want to make friends you spend all your time together anyway. The one time he did try to make a friend (female yes but it's clearly a long standing thing that he does) you freaked out to the point you were checking his phone multiple times a day (and still are I see), following him in his car, confronting him about it and fighting about it to the point you were in separate homes talking divorce. Did you overreact? Well let me just say I'm glad I'll never share a work site with your husband.

 

I can't say this enough: get therapy get therapy get therapy. You're not strong or confident. Confident people do not feel the need to bend others to their will the way you are to your husband. You think you are holding all the cards but you're not and he will eventually get sick of your sh*t. Oh and don't have that baby you were talking about until all of this is sorted with a qualified third party.

[spanz1]

overreact? its called paranoia. stop checking on his phone. tell him to put a password on it that you do not know so that you will not be able to look at it anymore.

 

 

You were smart to ask him to get his own phone account to limit your access. but you need to go the next step and stop checking altogether. eventually this will pass. if it does not, maybe some anti-anxiety meds would help you to stop worrying about it.

[georgia girl]

Sammy,

 

I posted on your other threads as well. I think you overreacted a bit but I also think your husband did as well as he employed the "sleep at your mothers-" card. You guys have to stop that crap or it will destroy your relationship.

 

The thing about being married is that you can't just walk away and you can't just threaten to walk away. It is patently unfair. In a marriage, you ask your partner to be vulnerable to you in a way that only parents loving their kids can understand. The other thing you can't do is allow your fears, hang ups or past hurts to impact how your treat your spouse. If they can't just walk away, then it behooves you to modify your reactions so that your partner doesn't feel controlled or trapped. This doesn't just require self control and you can't say someone is a bad person if this is tough for him or her. But it does involve work. It involves a concept called cognitive behavioral health therapy.

 

If you and your husband have a tough time problem-solving issues in your marriage, it may be because you have some underlying fear or bad experience which is causing you an undeniable emotional reaction to your perceived threat. You couldn't - even if you had the greatest self control on earth - deny that impulse 100% of the time. That's where CHT comes in. It allows you to dispassionately identify the stimulus and recognize the impulse in a constructive and not harmful way.

 

You both sound like good people who love each other. But I think you both also have some real anxieties and that leads you to do some harmful things. You can both do better and you will be amazed at how much better, happier and more amazing your relationship will become.