Was this acceptable flirting or is this clingy? "Flirting for (shy) Dummies"

[HansonGirl]

It's possible this is a ridiculous question. But I never flirt and I barely initiate texts and whatnot. My last boyfriend complained that he didn't even know I liked him when we first started dating. I Asked him well why'd you keep asking me out and he said he has low self esteem or something weird.

Anyways. I also had a therapist say she didn't think I wanted to be there and the only reason she knew I did was because I kept showing up for appointments. So this is just done background ing to give you an idea. I am extremely shy but come off confident if that makes sense. I come off stoic. It's something I'm working on. In any event. I Feel I have lost guys because they thought I wasn't interested just as much as I have lost guys due to their lack of interest.

So In addition to the specific question at hand I would more than welcome general advice about flirting and showing an appropriate level of interest.

Ok so I am into a guy. He told me something in person when I last saw him to watch out for something on my trip where I will be going soon. I told him I'm gonna google what he's talking about So I looked into what he was saying and I could have went to find him and tell him in person but I messaged him instead. He responded back then I responded but he did not say anything after that. So I am now worried that was too much and too clingy maybe I shouldn't have messaged him at all. But how am I going to ever connect with someone If I let the dialog die?

I know you might be thinking wow she is fretting about that message.... But understand that I almos never message guys. And my ex complained that I never initiated any texts. It made him feel self concious or something that he always was the one doing it. I definitely have seen threads in which a guy has pondered a girls interest or wrote how she never initiates. So it's not unheard of.

[ExpatInItaly]

Need more information:

 

What did you say in your text? What did he say in response?

[smackie9]

Guys want sexy flirtation, innuendo, sexual buildup, mystery, fluttery eyes, coyness, teasing, passion, want you to be vivacious, luscious, etc. Guys want a woman to be sexy and seductive to them.

 

A friend of mine said to me one day that he wants a GF that was a slut, but a slut to him only.

[Darren Steez]

You're shy but come off as confident?

 

So in other words, you do very well at hiding your true emotions. That is your language is necessarily not the emotive stuff.

 

It's enough that you're going to a therapist? Anything in your past that makes you so closed off?

 

For me flirting is awkward as well, I won't lie. Some people are natural and cam do it with damn near everyone. For others like me, I only flirt with a select few. I like to take my time.

 

Don't over think it with this guy. Fug all this wait 1 and a half days before you text back. If he texts then text back. If you're wary of opening up yourself to someone but you like the dude then try to just let go of that natural handbrake a bit.

 

Eye contact, some touching, take that confident you and actually verbalize and physically show how you feel. Try to open up a bit, see how that goes.

 

You're not a dummy. You know you're not clingy. Just be you.

[Redhead14]

It's possible this is a ridiculous question. But I never flirt and I barely initiate texts and whatnot. My last boyfriend complained that he didn't even know I liked him when we first started dating. I Asked him well why'd you keep asking me out and he said he has low self esteem or something weird.

Anyways. I also had a therapist say she didn't think I wanted to be there and the only reason she knew I did was because I kept showing up for appointments. So this is just done background ing to give you an idea. I am extremely shy but come off confident if that makes sense. I come off stoic. It's something I'm working on. In any event. I Feel I have lost guys because they thought I wasn't interested just as much as I have lost guys due to their lack of interest.

So In addition to the specific question at hand I would more than welcome general advice about flirting and showing an appropriate level of interest.

Ok so I am into a guy. He told me something in person when I last saw him to watch out for something on my trip where I will be going soon. I told him I'm gonna google what he's talking about So I looked into what he was saying and I could have went to find him and tell him in person but I messaged him instead. He responded back then I responded but he did not say anything after that. So I am now worried that was too much and too clingy maybe I shouldn't have messaged him at all. But how am I going to ever connect with someone If I let the dialog die?

I know you might be thinking wow she is fretting about that message.... But understand that I almos never message guys. And my ex complained that I never initiated any texts. It made him feel self concious or something that he always was the one doing it. I definitely have seen threads in which a guy has pondered a girls interest or wrote how she never initiates. So it's not unheard of.

 

I am extremely shy but come off confident if that makes sense -- It does make sense it's called wearing a "false" front and is likely part of the issue that needs to be addressed in depth in therapy. People who use alter egos are "protecting" themselves and guarding against what they perceive as a negative trait in their true selves and so they appear "guarded" or emotionally unavailable. It is a defense mechanism. I can make a pretty good well-educated guess at why you are in therapy, but will not mention or highlight it here.

 

That being said, being clingy and/or needy is about sending a message to someone, not getting a response as quickly as you'd like and then sending or call 10 ten times after that. And, yes, if a woman doesn't do some initiating, he's not getting a balanced sense of interest on her part.

 

With the text you send about the info from google, was there anything that actually required a response? Was it just "hey, I found what you mentioned". If that's the case, he didn't really have a reason to say anything. Have you heard from him since?

Edited June 20, 2015 by Redhead14

[HansonGirl]

I am extremely shy but come off confident if that makes sense -- It does make sense it's called wearing a "false" front and is likely part of the issue that needs to be addressed in depth in therapy. People who use alter egos are "protecting" themselves and guarding against what they perceive as a negative trait in their true selves and so they appear "guarded" or emotionally unavailable. It is a defense mechanism. I can make a pretty good well-educated guess at why you are in therapy, but will not mention or highlight it here.

 

That being said, being clingy and/or needy is about sending a message to someone, not getting a response as quickly as you'd like and then sending or call 10 ten times after that. And, yes, if a woman doesn't do some initiating, he's not getting a balanced sense of interest on her part.

 

With the text you send about the info from google, was there anything that actually required a response? Was it just "hey, I found what you mentioned". If that's the case, he didn't really have a reason to say anything. Have you heard from him since?

 

 

Hi guys!

thanks for the responses. First of all I am curious about what your well-educated guess is. go ahead and say it! I actually am not in therapy now. but the reason I was in it was for depression and social anxiety. I was pretty much a mute during high school. I think it was triggered first by some social rejection in middle school and then really severe cystic acne, being bullied for that, and the desire to not draw ANY attention to myself.

And you pretty much got it right about my ability to come off confident - I have learned through listening and observations (you will find you can do a lot of that when you never speak) what the body language of a confident person is. of course i am not PERFECT at it, and if you really pay attention you can pick up on it. And i also got more attractive in the meantime. I have a nice body, and no more acne. So when i put myself together I can pass for a pretty hot chick. ;-)

I just recall in grad school, I stuck to myself the first few months and I was very lonely because I just was too shy to make any friends, and i started talking to a gay guy and we became friends. I distinctly recall him exclaiming when we first went out to dinner together how he knew that the two of us would get along and he knew I wasn't stuck up. I asked him about that last comment, and he wouldn't elaborate, but it really gave me the impression that the other classmates thought i was stuck up. so that is the impression I guess i gave off... and if you think about it it makes sense: I have the body langugae of a confident person, i don't give anybody the time of day, and I'm not bad looking. and I rarely smiled (still working on that one... now i try to smile a lot... it's hard when you aren't accustomed to doing it all the time)

But again like I said, I think the people who are observant and socially intelligent know that I'm shy.

 

Anyways, yes he did respond to my message. but I still don't have a clue how much interaction I am supposed to have with a guy. One girlfriend of mine will pursue a guy she likes and ask him out, and on the other end of the spectrum, my other friend said don't even contact him because if he's interested, he will do that. But then that same friend shakes her head when i say i didn't even say hello to the guy. like, after I posted this thread i agonized whether to say hi to him when i could easily have gone slightly out of my way to do so. because each time he had done it (and he has), maybe i didn't come off too interested to see him.

 

sigh.... I definitely am over thinking it... but if i don't, my default is to just not do ANYthing, and i know i need to push myself more... so that's why this is important to me! thanks for your help!

Edited June 20, 2015 by HansonGirl

[HansonGirl]

You're shy but come off as confident?

 

So in other words, you do very well at hiding your true emotions. That is your language is necessarily not the emotive stuff.

 

It's enough that you're going to a therapist? Anything in your past that makes you so closed off?

 

For me flirting is awkward as well, I won't lie. Some people are natural and cam do it with damn near everyone. For others like me, I only flirt with a select few. I like to take my time.

 

Don't over think it with this guy. Fug all this wait 1 and a half days before you text back. If he texts then text back. If you're wary of opening up yourself to someone but you like the dude then try to just let go of that natural handbrake a bit.

 

Eye contact, some touching, take that confident you and actually verbalize and physically show how you feel. Try to open up a bit, see how that goes.

 

You're not a dummy. You know you're not clingy. Just be you.

 

I am not currently seeing a therapist, but i was in the past for social anxiety, and I attended this group therapy thing with other people with social anxiety a few years ago. I really enjoy sitting there and talking about things. i am sure I could do it again now, but i just haven't had the time to look into it. I have picked up on / learned confident body language but I am still shy. I have a hard time breaking the touch barrier lol. the most i have done is put my hand on his back to squeeze past him.

[HansonGirl]

oh and i think i just realized this forum is for people in relationships who are talking about their SO flirting or themselves flirting or something, rather than the broad concept of flirting. oops. can the thread be moved to a different forum?

[smackie9]

It doesn't matter we found you here and responded.

 

I have a suggestion, why not get that aggressive friend over to help you with on how to respond to this guy and carry on a flirting conversation. She would be the best one to teach you, and give you confidence.

[HansonGirl]

It doesn't matter we found you here and responded.

 

I have a suggestion, why not get that aggressive friend over to help you with on how to respond to this guy and carry on a flirting conversation. She would be the best one to teach you, and give you confidence.

 

well i will be seeing that friend soon and I intend to ask her, lol. :-)