I can't tell if this true or just another failure

[Curlgirl]

Hi everybody... I was married for 7 years to physically abusive psychopath and finally got divorced a year ago with 2 kids living with me and the ex husband totally vanished from our lives..

 

I met a married man at a work function in another city and from the first time we started talking we ended up chatting all night through... Then I returned back to the city where I live with the kids.

 

We started talking over the phone and things moved on very well between us then we started seeing each other in other countries as my work involves traveling and he managed to join me in a couple of trips.. We had sex on our first trip together and then things got really stronger between us.

 

He has 2 kids himself and now he has rented a place in the city where I live very close to where I stay with the kids and he's planning to quit his job and move to the same city where I am to start his own business. He said he ll be spending the week with me and off to his city on weekends with his wife and kids.

 

I feel I m too attached to him and I've never felt true love until I met him.. I don't understand why he's not willing to leave his wife since the setup he s planning is almost the same as being divorced and that really makes me worried that he might just be going through a phase with his wife ... I'm inclined to continue with him but I also don't wanna get hurt again since I be really just recovered from one hell of a marriage... Thanks for helping me out

Edited June 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs ~T

[Dela]

Hi everybody... I was married for 7 years to physically abusive psychopath and finally got divorced a year ago with 2 kids living with me and the ex husband totally vanished from our lives.. I met a married man at a work function in another city and from the first time we started talking we ended up chatting all night through... Then I returned back to the city where I live with the kids... We started talking over the phone and things moved on very well between us then we started seeing each other in other countries as my work involves traveling and he managed to join me in a couple of trips.. We had sex on our first trip together and then things got really stronger between us... He has 2 kids himself and now he has rented a place in the city where I live very close to where I stay with the kids and he's planning to quit his job and move to the same city where I am to start his own business. He said he ll be spending the week with me and off to his city on weekends with his wife and kids... I feel I m too attached to him and I ve never felt true love until I met him.. I don't understand why he's not willing to leave his wife since the setup he s planning is almost the same as being divorced and that really makes me worried that he might just be gng through a phase with his wife ... I m inclined to continue with him but I also don't wanna get hurt again since I be really just recovered from one hell of a marriage... Thanks for helping me out

 

 

It s not too late for you, but from experience, get out of this relationship while you are still in one piece. It is great now maybe, but in time u will resent him for not being with u 100%, all the times he will leave home to be with his family...

doesnt matter what setup he has planned. is they decide to live like they r separated but still being a family, that s what s going to happen. they all stay married for the "sake of the kids"...

think about yourself and your children. they need their mom in one piece. this relationship will break your heart if u expect it to be more than an affair.

i hope this helps.

take care

[Curlgirl]

Hi Dela... Thanks for your reply... It s amazing how I can tell myself things but only feel better when I read it or hear from someone else... Truly appreciated... Wish me luck to have enough strength to do it... Take care

[jwi71]

Hi everybody... I was married for 7 years to physically abusive psychopath and finally got divorced a year ago with 2 kids living with me and the ex husband totally vanished from our lives.. I met a married man at a work function in another city and from the first time we started talking we ended up chatting all night through... Then I returned back to the city where I live with the kids... We started talking over the phone and things moved on very well between us then we started seeing each other in other countries as my work involves traveling and he managed to join me in a couple of trips.. We had sex on our first trip together and then things got really stronger between us...

 

Typically beginning.

 

I don't understand why he's not willing to leave his wife since the setup he s planning is almost the same as being divorced and that really makes me worried that he might just be gng through a phase with his wife

 

Read no further than this as this is where you are f_cking up.

 

Having a rented apartment near his business and near his mistress is in NO WAY THE SAME AS D. Its called...I have a W and kids and family life back home and a mistress here. AKA cake eating. Holy sh_t where can I sign up for "having my cake and eating it too"?

 

He's not going through a phase with his (at least not based on what you share) - he's an opportunist taking the opportunity.

 

... I m inclined to continue with him but I also don't wanna get hurt again since I be really just recovered from one hell of a marriage... Thanks for helping me out

 

This will very likely end with you in tears. Its nigh impossible to find an OW who, even after getting M to her MM, promote that method. It is universally panned and virtually every OW will say there are better ways and means. For a reason. (It s_cks to be blunt).

 

No one can dissuade you - but I would be wary of moving forward.

 

What personality traits is he demonstrating right now? Towards you. Towards his W? Towards his family?

 

Are they desirable traits in a man?

 

You know, I jumped the gun but I don't want to delete all I just typed. The first Q you should ask is:

 

What do you want from this R?

What is your goal? How do you want this to end?

[anika99]

Sounds like the MM and his wife have agreed to have him live away from home during the week while he starts his business. I bet the plan goes on to further include the whole family moving to the new location once the business is up and running or for him to leave the business in someone else's capable hands once it's established so he can move back home. You should get out of this while you can.

[Dela]

Hi Dela... Thanks for your reply... It s amazing how I can tell myself things but only feel better when I read it or hear from someone else... Truly appreciated... Wish me luck to have enough strength to do it... Take care

 

 

i read a quote some time ago "they all love you until they cum"...

it s like this with married men. they have to be nice.. mine used to bring me flowers, chocolates, dinners, even slept with me many many nights and we lived together for 1 week... but what s the point? where is he now?? home with his wife. no matter what happens in this kind of relationship, the bottom line is, there is no future.. he can bring 1000 roses and move even to your building to be close to u. but guess what? he s still not with u. he can call everynight before sleep, but he ll stillfall asleep in his bed, at home...

i am actually saying these things to myself also now, i am trying to encourage myself to end it too. i am glad i can share with u.

it s hard because u feel loved and u are with someone, but we are lying ourselves. we are alone, we don t have a relationship, we have no man, we are single. in this relationship, u are always single and lonely and alone!

actually, it s better to be single and alone than with a MM and alone.

this is double pain.

i am 25 and i got pregnant in this relationship... i had to abort so i don t screw up his family and kids and to have a fatherless child. i think God punished me for this affair.

i wish we could all have the courage to leave these man. let s see how much they LOVE us as they say, let s see how many of them divorce after they lose us. let s see how they prove that love for us.

if some of us were willing to be with an EX married man and accept his kids and his ex wife in the picture forever, let s see how they define their love for us.

[Curlgirl]

I wish I could reach out and thank each and everyone who replied to me... U are awesome

Jwi71... About his traits he s being very supportive to me trying to push me to be better and helping me with the kids... He's also being by my side in any decision I make to get up on my feet again... The business he's gng to run includes me and he willing to make me a partner whilst keeping my daily job and supporting it as a part time whenever I can... He's also willing to have a baby together which I m against but he jst never stops dreaming about... What I want from the relationship is the same as everybody wants which is finding real love and happiness with a lifetime partner...

Dela, I m really sorry to hear your story but i m sure you're strong enough to get up your feet and find yourself a really good man who deserves you... Lots of love

[still_an_Angel]

 

 

... He's also willing to have a baby together which I m against but he jst never stops dreaming about... What I want from the relationship is the same as everybody wants which is finding real love and happiness with a lifetime partner...

 

 

 

A married man is not for a "lifetime partner" as he already has a lifetime partner, the girl he proposed to and promised his life to. This is not a blanket rule of course but unfortunately, your MM is not even planning on being with you for the rest of his life, he still wants to go home to his family.

 

 

Please think 100 times over with regards to having a baby with him as you are not in a stable relationship, think about the child that you will bring into his "hidden world", what does that say about his (non)commitment to you?

 

 

You should take the happiness part now with him as affairs are for the moment, otherwise, he would D and be with you for a lifetime of happiness which is what you are looking for.

[Poppy47]

I wish I could reach out and thank each and everyone who replied to me... U are awesome

Jwi71... About his traits he s being very supportive to me trying to push me to be better and helping me with the kids... He's also being by my side in any decision I make to get up on my feet again... The business he's gng to run includes me and he willing to make me a partner whilst keeping my daily job and supporting it as a part time whenever I can... He's also willing to have a baby together which I m against but he jst never stops dreaming about... What I want from the relationship is the same as everybody wants which is finding real love and happiness with a lifetime partner...

Dela, I m really sorry to hear your story but i m sure you're strong enough to get up your feet and find yourself a really good man who deserves you... Lots of love

 

Don't fall for promises like that. Take a step back. Look at what you have written. He's a MM for the love of God! How can fulfill all those promises ???

I feel you will regret it if you take it seriously.

 

Poppy.

[Sassy Girl]

I wish I could reach out and thank each and everyone who replied to me... U are awesome

Jwi71... About his traits he s being very supportive to me trying to push me to be better and helping me with the kids... He's also being by my side in any decision I make to get up on my feet again... The business he's gng to run includes me and he willing to make me a partner whilst keeping my daily job and supporting it as a part time whenever I can... He's also willing to have a baby together which I m against but he jst never stops dreaming about... What I want from the relationship is the same as everybody wants which is finding real love and happiness with a lifetime partner...

Dela, I m really sorry to hear your story but i m sure you're strong enough to get up your feet and find yourself a really good man who deserves you... Lots of love

 

Please don't do that to an innocent child. That's messed up

[elaine567]

As the product of an abusive relationship you are vulnerable and to a MM you are ripe for the picking.

Most women tell Married Men to get lost and will not accept the second best "mistress"/OW role.

Some can use MM as FWB, they do not get attached and are perfectly happy, but so many others are in push/pull relationships that go nowhere, they accept crumbs and tell themselves that the relationship would work if only... <enter current MM excuse>.

 

Coming from an abusive relationship, a "normal" man is so appealing, you will soak the MM up like a sponge.

He is your saviour, only he isn't really.

MM know that stable, contented with their lot, happy, experienced women will not fall for their charms, so they prey on the young, the naive, the weak, the vulnerable, the unhappy wife, the woman just out of a relationship, the "struggling" woman for whatever reason, as he can worm his way into her world and she is just sooo grateful and will accept almost anything from him, just as long as he stays in her life.

He future fakes*, he lets her down, he stays with his wife FOR the kids, he says he is not sleeping with his wife, but they go on date nights, she gets pregnant, he says he hates her, yet they are there on fb laughing on holiday.

He pushes and pulls, he runs hot and cold as the guilt and fear starts eating him up.

He lies to his wife, he lies to his OW, he is a cake eater.

You will never find real love there.

He is setting you up to be a second family, somewhere cosy for him to stay with all the home comforts during the week but he gets to keep his other family going as well.

Wake up!

*https://returnofthought.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/confessions-of-a-future-faker/

"a future faker is someone who paints a perfect picture in the future in order to gain something right now."

Future Faking is partly about using intentions to enhance self-image | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

[StrungOut1975]

As the product of an abusive relationship you are vulnerable and to a MM you are ripe for the picking.

Most women tell Married Men to get lost and will not accept the second best "mistress"/OW role.

Some can use MM as FWB, they do not get attached and are perfectly happy, but so many others are in push/pull relationships that go nowhere, they accept crumbs and tell themselves that the relationship would work if only... <enter current MM excuse>.

 

Coming from an abusive relationship, a "normal" man is so appealing, you will soak the MM up like a sponge.

He is your saviour, only he isn't really.

MM know that stable, contented with their lot, happy, experienced women will not fall for their charms, so they prey on the young, the naive, the weak, the vulnerable, the unhappy wife, the woman just out of a relationship, the "struggling" woman for whatever reason, as he can worm his way into her world and she is just sooo grateful and will accept almost anything from him, just as long as he stays in her life.

He future fakes*, he lets her down, he stays with his wife FOR the kids, he says he is not sleeping with his wife, but they go on date nights, she gets pregnant, he says he hates her, yet they are there on fb laughing on holiday.

He pushes and pulls, he runs hot and cold as the guilt and fear starts eating him up.

He lies to his wife, he lies to his OW, he is a cake eater.

You will never find real love there.

He is setting you up to be a second family, somewhere cosy for him to stay with all the home comforts during the week but he gets to keep his other family going as well.

Wake up!

*https://returnofthought.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/confessions-of-a-future-faker/

"a future faker is someone who paints a perfect picture in the future in order to gain something right now."

Future Faking is partly about using intentions to enhance self-image | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

Wow. This post really hit home. I was definitely damaged goods when I began my A and super vulnerable. Everything you said was true... the hot/cold, push/pull, etc. My marriage was horrible and basically emotionally abusive, but NOTHING compared to the hurt, pain and torture of the A.

 

Although my marriage was terrible, I was still able to find peace within in it BECAUSE MY SOUL WAS INTACT.

 

OP, I feel for where you are at now Sweetie. It all feels so real.. it feels like you've "finally" experienced true love and happiness. Truth is, it's an even bigger lie than your marriage was. This A will destroy your life. Please please think twice. You still need to recover and heal from the damage of your first marriage. This A will make whatever scarring you had from that relationship worse. Instead of healing, the A will peel off the emotional scabs from your M and make them ooze with stinky puss. I'm sorry to be graphic but this is how dangerous and soul killing an A is.

[Curlgirl]

Thanks everyone... I still read your words and read mine and i can see I ve probably been blinded... Might be the fact that a normal guy would appear to be a hero after my abusive marriage ... I wanna take the step and move on now ... the sooner the better.., hope I ll hv the strength jst by reading your words which I hv been doing over and over since yesterday.... Wish me luck and strength ... I feel so consumed that I really wish to disappear until i m back to normal...

[Lois_Griffin]

I don't understand why he's not willing to leave his wife since the setup he s planning is almost the same as being divorced and that really makes me worried that he might just be going through a phase with his wife ... I'm inclined to continue with him but I also don't wanna get hurt again since I be really just recovered from one hell of a marriage... Thanks for helping me out

Because he's not looking to CHANGE his life. He just wants to ENHANCE it.

 

That's what you are - an enhancement.

 

Then he goes home to his family and real life on the weekends.

 

It's unfortunate that you were probably in a vulnerable position after your divorce and that's why this affair seemed to be the right thing to do. I have the feeling that you're finding out it wasn't.

[kieraglass]

"""Wow. This post really hit home. I was definitely damaged goods when I began my A and super vulnerable. Everything you said was true... the hot/cold, push/pull, etc. My marriage was horrible and basically emotionally abusive, but NOTHING compared to the hurt, pain and torture of the A.

 

Although my marriage was terrible, I was still able to find peace within in it BECAUSE MY SOUL WAS INTACT.

 

OP, I feel for where you are at now Sweetie. It all feels so real.. it feels like you've "finally" experienced true love and happiness. Truth is, it's an even bigger lie than your marriage was. This A will destroy your life. Please please think twice. You still need to recover and heal from the damage of your first marriage. This A will make whatever scarring you had from that relationship worse. Instead of healing, the A will peel off the emotional scabs from your M and make them ooze with stinky puss. I'm sorry to be graphic but this is how dangerous and soul killing an A is. """"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I so agree with you. I truly love the AP, but I'd give anything to be the person I was before all this. I feel entirely tormented. It's been absolutely horrible and if I knew then how broken I'd become, I would have thought twice. My own marriage was abusive- my exH called me worthless, useless, in front of our small child, often. Some hands on stuff over the years. Intimidation. Terrorizing.

 

I took to the kind, gentle MM like a duck to water.

 

But I was so much healthier married to a crazy man. I never though I was crazy. And that was the difference.

 

 

I knew who I was and what I deserved in life, even if I wasn't getting it from exh.

 

Until this affair.

 

I don't know up from down now. Left from right. I cling to his BS like a rubber raft. It's pitiful.

 

We never know until we know.

Edited July 3, 2015 by kieraglass

[kieraglass]

""Wow. This post really hit home. I was definitely damaged goods when I began my A and super vulnerable. Everything you said was true... the hot/cold, push/pull, etc. My marriage was horrible and basically emotionally abusive, but NOTHING compared to the hurt, pain and torture of the A.

 

Although my marriage was terrible, I was still able to find peace within in it BECAUSE MY SOUL WAS INTACT.

 

OP, I feel for where you are at now Sweetie. It all feels so real.. it feels like you've "finally" experienced true love and happiness. Truth is, it's an even bigger lie than your marriage was. This A will destroy your life. Please please think twice. You still need to recover and heal from the damage of your first marriage. This A will make whatever scarring you had from that relationship worse. Instead of healing, the A will peel off the emotional scabs from your M and make them ooze with stinky puss. I'm sorry to be graphic but this is how dangerous and soul killing an A is. ""

 

 

 

 

I so agree with you. I truly love the AP, but I'd give anything to be the person I was before all this. I feel entirely tormented. It's been absolutely horrible and if I knew then how broken I'd become, I would have thought twice. My own marriage was abusive- my exH called me worthless, useless, in front of our small child, often. Some hands on stuff over the years. Intimidation. Terrorizing.

 

I took to the kind, gentle MM like a duck to water.

 

But I was so much healthier married to a crazy man. I never though I was crazy. And that was the difference.

 

 

I knew who I was and what I deserved in life, even if I wasn't getting it from exh.

 

Until this affair.

 

I don't know up from down now. Left from right. I cling to his BS like a rubber raft. It's pitiful.

 

We never know until we know.

[Friskyone4u]

CulGirl

 

Everyone does wish you strength. The last thing you need after coming out of an abusive relationship is some creep, and he is a creep, setting up shop so you can be his mistress when he wants time away from his wife and kids.

 

This cannot end well for you so it sounds like you are doing the right thing by paying attention to what the others have told you.

 

i hope you follow through with the plan to end it.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Simple. He gets a divorce & provides you proof of it. Once he does that, your relationship can continue. Don't do what you're doing to yourself, your kids, his wife & his kids.

[goodyblue]

Never, and I mean NEVER have a baby with a MM. There are a couple of people on here that have experience in this arena and they will agree it is disastrous.

 

Not only will you end up raising another baby alone but it will resent you for how it got here, the MM will resent the baby and you both, the children in his marriage will resent it, it will hate the kids, and if MM wants visitation you can plan on his wife taking care of your child on weekends.

 

Sounds like a dream come true doesn't it?

 

He is future faking you. What will you do when his business is running and his family moved there? Won't it be fun to see them at the grocery? A restaurant?

 

I was OW and my circumstances were very different, but I have been around long enough to see how this ends for you. Please, worry about your own well being right now and run from him. You deserve a wonderful man who will love you and your children.

 

Cardinal rule: NO children with OM. Ever.

 

I wish you strength and peace.

[Bootsie]

Hi everybody... I was married for 7 years to physically abusive psychopath and finally got divorced a year ago with 2 kids living with me and the ex husband totally vanished from our lives..

 

I met a married man ...

 

I also don't wanna get hurt again since I be really just recovered from one hell of a marriage... Thanks for helping me out

 

You do realize that your supposedly "normal" MM is also an abusive husband don't you?

 

Any MM who is having an A and plans to stay married is by definition almost certainly abusing his wife both emotionally and psychologically. He is lying to her daily and if he's having sex with her then he's not getting her fully informed consent, so there's a physical element to the abuse as well. Many married women would not be having sex with their husbands if they knew he was sexually active with someone else. He's also probably abusing you by lying to you too.

 

Why on earth do you want to exchange one abusive guy for another? I'd recommend counselling.

[darkmoon]

feel flattered, why not? srsly xx

 

but get out while you can, you are missing out on a real relationship, on freinds, dates, not being some guy's secret

 

he has breakfast with his family, reads school reports, prolly gets on with his in-laws ok, will be with all his family celebrating Christmas not with you, woopidoo

 

i hope i convinced you

Edited July 4, 2015 by darkmoon

[GypsumSatellite]

I've known a few OW who have had a similar arrangement with an MM. He lived with them during the week or for several weeks then went home to the W and kids. Several years down the road, these MM would change jobs or living arrangements and what had once felt like bliss would become a betrayal and they would have little recourse because he had always said to them he'd never leave his W/kids. I would tread carefully here. You've just left an abusive relationship and anything will seem like heaven on earth compared to that. Moving close to MM and being his week-long OW that he compensates with a living arrangement will play hell with your mind eventually. You will begin to resent why he ever goes home. You will begin to assert yourself as the more deserving woman in his life. You may eventually come to see him as holding power over you because he's providing for some of your needs and it may lend you a feeling that you can't ask for more because you should be grateful for his kindness.

 

This is for his convenience. He's lonely. Don't be the person that fills his loneliness when you have your own recuperation from your M to sort out. Don't bring your two kids into a live-in situation with a man who isn't on the up-and-up. He isn't able to be the kind of role model they need, he isn't able to be the kind of man you need, and it will bring you a lot of drama and pain and unnecessary worry for some time to come.

 

This will probably not stop you from moving in with him but listen to our words. They aren't meant to be unsupportive of you but to be a chorus of reason for you. You do deserve better than a part time man in a part time life. You do deserve better than being his second city lover. Your children deserve better than seeing a lie woven before them.

[CurlGurl]

Hi All... Haven't logged in for a while and was utterly happy to find your response which I truly appreciate...a quick update for me, I have decided not to move along with his plans and all those changes he planned for the new setup.. He's furious now and will be visiting me this weekend to talk things through... I can't deny I m emotionally attached but I am totally convinced i d destroy myself if I continue... Wish me strength ... I need it

[Ifalltopieces]

Listen to what everyone is saying....get out while your still in one piece. You think your marriage and divorce scarred you? You have no idea what kind of roller coaster ride your about to board.

 

Spare yourself the torment and agony. Trust me. You will regret it.