My husband said something very mean to me!

[scarlyjones]

Originally posted by StillHurtin

As for you comment "you sound like a real catch." was pretty immature also of you. When I drank a lot I was in college and that was was 15 years ago, I don't do that anymore. I guess everyone in the world who drinks beer every night is a "real catch" huh? My brother has a few beers every night after work and he is the best damn H to his wife and the best father to his kids. He treats his wife like a queen and he drinks every night. Guess he isn't a good catch for my sil huh?

 

If I were you I wouldnt fool myself about your brother drinking EVERYDAY. Believe me,......on THIS,...I am an authority. Plenty of experience on this issue. If hes drinking everyday,..90 % of the time it means hes got a problem. There are plenty of different kinds of alcoholics. You dont have to drink in the morning and live in a cardboard box to be one. If he doesnt have the fallouts from drinking everyday,....he soon will. I'd count on it. If this guy drinks everyday after work,....then he must take himself right out of the equation if someone needed him to run to the store or he needed to drive in an emergency situation. Or maybe he drives anyway. Do you really think its OK to drink everyday? What if your kid falls and hurts himself badly? What then if hes the only one to take him to the hospital? Do you trust this guy to operate machinery around the house after drinking? DOnt you think his kids will see this and learn to do that themselves? Alcoholism is heredity as well as a learned addiction. So yes,...you are right,.....I will say it. Your brother is a "real catch". As far as knowing about the weight to height ratio,....I DID look it up. I dont just post stuff that I totally made up. By the way,...Im sure you will post back on this by saying that your brother doesnt get drunk everyday, doesnt miss work,....doesnt get angry or depressed,...and his family just LOVES when he drinks. Thats what ALL co-dependant enablers say in the early to middle stages of alcoholism in loved ones. Spoken like a person in true, deep, denial. God Bless,.....you're going to need it.

[scarlyjones]

Originally posted by MJTig

Excuse me, 130 pounds is not overweight for a 5'5" woman. Depending on her frame it can be anywhere between 121-140 lbs. I am 5'5" and under 130 pounds I would look skeletal. Be realisitic, and realize she is not looking to get a Gwyneth Paltrow or Jennifer Garner body - she'd have to work out 4 hours a day like Jennifer does for that. Unrealisitic goals are the first death to a new way of eating, etc.

 

OP and to add to all this mumbo jumbo- I was born without a thyroid gland and therefore have hypothyroid (which a majority of woman have to some extent). I will say if your levels are not up to par, not only do you gain weight at the drop of the hat- you have no energy and no will to do anything. Worth a test to make sure you are not waging an uphill battle. THAT SAID, you still have to find time to exercise and eat right.

 

 

No will???? GImme a break. You make your will. If you're aware you're fat, then you can fix it. DOnt tell me you dont have the "will" to stop eating crap.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

Originally posted by StillHurtin

As for you comment "you sound like a real catch." was pretty immature also of you. When I drank a lot I was in college and that was was 15 years ago, I don't do that anymore. I guess everyone in the world who drinks beer every night is a "real catch" huh? My brother has a few beers every night after work and he is the best damn H to his wife and the best father to his kids. He treats his wife like a queen and he drinks every night. Guess he isn't a good catch for my sil huh?

 

If I were you I wouldnt fool myself about your brother drinking EVERYDAY. Believe me,......on THIS,...I am an authority. Plenty of experience on this issue. If hes drinking everyday,..90 % of the time it means hes got a problem. There are plenty of different kinds of alcoholics. You dont have to drink in the morning and live in a cardboard box to be one. If he doesnt have the fallouts from drinking everyday,....he soon will. I'd count on it. If this guy drinks everyday after work,....then he must take himself right out of the equation if someone needed him to run to the store or he needed to drive in an emergency situation. Or maybe he drives anyway. Do you really think its OK to drink everyday? What if your kid falls and hurts himself badly? What then if hes the only one to take him to the hospital? Do you trust this guy to operate machinery around the house after drinking? DOnt you think his kids will see this and learn to do that themselves? Alcoholism is heredity as well as a learned addiction. So yes,...you are right,.....I will say it. Your brother is a "real catch". As far as knowing about the weight to height ratio,....I DID look it up. I dont just post stuff that I totally made up. By the way,...Im sure you will post back on this by saying that your brother doesnt get drunk everyday, doesnt miss work,....doesnt get angry or depressed,...and his family just LOVES when he drinks. Thats what ALL co-dependant enablers say in the early to middle stages of alcoholism in loved ones. Spoken like a person in true, deep, denial. God Bless,.....you're going to need it.

 

 

No, I don't think it's ok to drink several beers every night, he may have one or two. My BIL is the same way, has a couple beers after work. My brother doesn't drink on the nights my sil is gone. I don't drink every night. I may have a few beers once or twice a week. Sometimes I go weeks w/o having a beer. I can understand your point of view on this so I am not going to say your wrong.

My H was in denial of being an alcholic for many years until I finally put my foot down when he got drunk one night and drove our children home. He went to some sporting event and took our children w/ him b/c I had classes. I had no idea where he was to get my kids and I couldn't reach him on his cell phone. We had a huge fight about it. Of course he kept saying nothing happened, he got them home safe so why was I so upset. That wasn't the point, the point was, IF he gotten in an accident he could of killed himself, and/or our children. I told him he either quits drinking or the marriage was over. That was 2 1/2 years ago and he hasn't had a drink since.

 

There is one thing I don't understand about this height/weight issue w/ you though. So, you looked it up, that is fine, but how can you say two medical doctors are wrong? Can I ask you how tall you are and how much you weigh? From your replies you are at your ideal/healthy weight for yourself. Can you also tell me how in the world I am suppose to eat more healthier at my work b/c I know that is how I put on a lot of my weight in the last year. I work at a preschool and the food isn't exactly low in fat. For example, today we had cheeseburgers, blueberries w/ cool whip, and broccoli w/ cheese. This was a menu one of the students picked out for a meal (we do this once a year for them, they pick out their fav foods from the food groups). When we have meals like this I eat half of what the students have, but I still gained a lot of weight. When we have snacks, I don't eat that. I don't get a lunch break to eat a salad or something lower in calories and calories. I can not bring my own food into eat, I have to eat what the children eat. Am I just suppose to not eat?

[scarlyjones]

Well,...I DO know what Im talking about when it comes to Alcoholism. I am one. 15 years of hard drinking. I ahve been sober for a year and a half. The last three years of it was a gallon of whiskey a day. Yup,....a whole gallon. I didnt like the taste of it,..so I washed it down with 40 oz beers. About two of those and maybe some OJ when the beer was gone. This was everyday. I had lost my job because of it. So I had all the time in the world to get loaded all day, everyday. I was a "functional" alcoholic for 12 years. Didnt interupt my job, family, friends, school,...............nothing. Thought I had beaten the system. I thought I must have found a way that nobody ever found before. Somehow I had found a way to drink like a fish and still maintain what appeared to be a good, clean, upstanding life. Then I received drunk drivings,....driving on a suspended,....no shows in court,.....then my parents started becoming embarrassed of me,....then I lost my boyfriend,.......friends,....places to live. I snuck out of bed at 3am to hop in a dumpster I had thrown half a bottle of whiskey in to "fool" my boyfriend. Then I started not being able to walk or stand for more than 30 seconds before a cold, clamy, feeling went up my spine and I had seizures,.............I was in the hospital ER seven times for near fatal Delirium Tremens, (which is a type of withdrawl from alcohol psychosis) Hallucinations,.....my heart stopped the seventh time for 45 seconds. They had to use the electric shock paddle thingys to bring me back. So yeah,.................I know what Im talking about. I too,......thought I didnt drink much. My boyfriend, parents, friends, sibilings,....they would have all said the same things YOU"RE saying about your brother in early alcoholism. Because they were in denial that I WAS one. They didnt want to believe it. IF your brother isnt an alcoholic,.....ask him this "If he can really just take it or leave it,..ya know,.....quit whenever he wants ...........like HE'S in control of it,....not IT'S in control of HIM.......then ask him to quit for 30 days." If he cannot. Or he drinks on the 31st day........That will show that whatever time he managed to not drink, he had to white knuckle it and he does have a problem

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

Well,...I DO know what Im talking about when it comes to Alcoholism. I am one. 15 years of hard drinking. I ahve been sober for a year and a half. The last three years of it was a gallon of whiskey a day. Yup,....a whole gallon. I didnt like the taste of it,..so I washed it down with 40 oz beers. About two of those and maybe some OJ when the beer was gone. This was everyday. I had lost my job because of it. So I had all the time in the world to get loaded all day, everyday. I was a "functional" alcoholic for 12 years. Didnt interupt my job, family, friends, school,...............nothing. Thought I had beaten the system. I thought I must have found a way that nobody ever found before. Somehow I had found a way to drink like a fish and still maintain what appeared to be a good, clean, upstanding life. Then I received drunk drivings,....driving on a suspended,....no shows in court,.....then my parents started becoming embarrassed of me,....then I lost my boyfriend,.......friends,....places to live. I snuck out of bed at 3am to hop in a dumpster I had thrown half a bottle of whiskey in to "fool" my boyfriend. Then I started not being able to walk or stand for more than 30 seconds before a cold, clamy, feeling went up my spine and I had seizures,.............I was in the hospital ER seven times for near fatal Delirium Tremens, (which is a type of withdrawl from alcohol psychosis) Hallucinations,.....my heart stopped the seventh time for 45 seconds. They had to use the electric shock paddle thingys to bring me back. So yeah,.................I know what Im talking about. I too,......thought I didnt drink much. My boyfriend, parents, friends, sibilings,....they would have all said the same things YOU"RE saying about your brother in early alcoholism. Because they were in denial that I WAS one. They didnt want to believe it. IF your brother isnt an alcoholic,.....ask him this "If he can really just take it or leave it,..ya know,.....quit whenever he wants ...........like HE'S in control of it,....not IT'S in control of HIM.......then ask him to quit for 30 days." If he cannot. Or he drinks on the 31st day........That will show that whatever time he managed to not drink, he had to white knuckle it and he does have a problem

 

All I can say is WOW!!! I am glad that you found the strength to finally quit and start becoming healthy again. That much booze had to have been extremely hard on your liver, not to mention other things. But can I ask you why you said that I must be a great catch when I didn't drink half as much as you did? I mean really, I was never busted for DWI, DUI, never missed work b/c I was too drunk or hungover. I did drink almost every night (the nights I didn't have a test to study for or an assignment that had to be finished). If I did drink it was beer, and I didn't drink that much b/c I knew when I needed to stop. Yes, there was nights were I drank more than usual but I always had someone sober to drive me home.

As for my brother, hmmm, I don't feel it's my position to tell him or ask him to quit drinking for 30 days. I am his sister, not his mom or his wife so I don't feel comfortable asking him to do that. As for my bil, omgosh, he would bite my head off if I asked him to stop drinking. Yes, I think my bil has a problem w/ his drinking, but I don't think my brother is as bad.

 

Oh by the way, sorry guest for hijacking your thread. I just want you to know I understand how you feel b/c I am in the same boat as you. Finding time to exercise when you have to work, be a mother, wife, and take care of the home is hard. I need to just let something slide for a little bit and exercise. Gosh knows the laundry, the dishes, the dust, will stilll be there when I get done. I feel so guilty for putting myself first when it comes to taking time to exercise. My mil is on her way back to visit for the summer and my house needs a good cleaning. I don't want my clean freak of a mil coming to my house and noticing how much it needs to be picked up. When I had my home business I had a lot of time to clean and my house was always spotless. Now that I work FT out of the home, it's not as clean as I would like. I have decided if it's not raining out I am going to start taking my walks again b4 it gets dark. The housework, kids, and H will have to wait. I can't stand being out of shape anymore. I use to run and loved it, I want to get back to it again.

[scarlyjones]

Im sorry about the "...catch..." thing. I was REALLY just trying to be funny. SOrry about that. Its MY belief that if you LOVE someone,...then it IS your place to tell your brother you think he has a problem. Just because he treats his wife like a queen doesnt mean his drinking isnt secretly KILLING her inside. Watching someone destroy themselves is very emotionally devastating to watch. But believe me,.....take it from the horses mouth,......drunks dont start thinking that perhaps, maybe,..theres even a CHANCE they have a problem until 4 or 5 people have mentioned it to them. So as long as the people that love him say nothing,......in his mind,....he has no problem. And,no..............he isnt as bad as I was,.......................................yet. I was at the stage he is at now.......at some point of my drinking career. We all start out as just partiers...........then watching ballgames,....then picnics,....then we graduate to NOT even NEEDING an occassion. We begin to celebrate "Tuesday" or "Thursday". We watch football or baseball or soap operas. DOnt for a second think its NOT drinking alone as long as the TV is on. They are STILL drinking alone. Alcoholics always think that THEIR problems are worse than ANYONE elses. They say things like "Well,..if you had the problems I had, you'd drink too" or "I can stop whenever I want" or if you say your acting funny to them or are you drunk...........they will always tell exactly just how many they have had. "Ive only had 3" Is always just 2 or 3. Its ALWAYS more than that by the way. Look at it this way. If he isnt addicted,....think of it this way. If you eating mustard was somehow ruining relationships or making people uncomfortable or losing you jobs or anything like that,....you simply say "This isnt worth it" and you'd simply just stop eating it right? Seems very simple. LIke the old joke goes "Guy tells his doctor 'Doc,..my arm hurts when I do this,..." the doctor says "Stop doing that" Addicts cannot. They dont know what to do without it. Trust me,...if your brother feels inconvienienced at ALL that just ONE day he cant drink because of something that comes up adn get irrate about it,...its because he has a problem.

[MJTig]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

No will???? GImme a break. You make your will. If you're aware you're fat, then you can fix it. DOnt tell me you dont have the "will" to stop eating crap.

 

Okay let me clarify in extreme detail so you know exactly what I mean. Pardon me for using phrases that implied otherwise. How about less motivation, even depression? And eben when you do all the right sutff still seeing 2 pounds added at the end of the week?

 

You can stop eating crap, but when your thyroid is low, you can eat as little as 1000 calories a day and still gain weight. I know people who's doctors said they had to eat more than that to keep their body running while simultaneously telling them to lose weight. Sorry- even if you have the energy, you may exercise and eat very well or very healthy but your body cannot burn it off.

 

This is if you have a thyroid problem. If you don't know what that is like, don't pretend that you do and look down on those struggling with it. I advised her to get it checked out so that if she does, she can get medication to get her on an even keel so that what she does has an impact.

[neptoon]

Hi Guest,

 

I'll just put my two cents here -- take from it what you will.

 

I don't think you're correct in assuming that he doesn't care about his weight gain and body image. On the contrary. I think his comment about your weight is rooted in his own insecurity about his own body image. He knows well aware of the fact that he's gained more weight than you have since the two of you have been married. Men joke about weight with each other. It could be that someone said something to him in the spirit of a joke but it might've hurt his feelings. Sometimes, we humans are wrapped up inside our own feelings and lash out to say something hurtful to someone else that we care about -- forgeting completely that it hurts, that the other person doesn't know where it comes from and may take it harder than we intended.

 

He won't admit to his feelings being hurt by this because he'd have to repeat the comment that hurt his feelings and he might fear that it would make you see him as a "pig". In general, misery loves company. He wants to bring you down to the level of his feelings because he doesn't want to be alone in it. Think about it...if he sees himself as unattractive and ugly, he won't want you to think you're attractive because you might leave him alone and, in his eyes, he won't be able to attract any other person. I think this is what's running through his head.

 

Objectively, I think you should try to stop seeing him in this way. Help him lose a few pounds and, in doing so, your weight will also drop.

 

Do it slowly. Do things you enjoy. Go out and enjoy the world. Think about it in terms of changing the way you live.

 

1. Remember that stress also causes people to become overweight because your body produces chemicals that encourage weight retention.

2. When eating, encourage him to take a few moments to savor each bite. Try identifying the ingredients. Don't think of it in terms of "more will make me full". It's the flavor of the food. Try different flavors in things, different spices. This practice also enhances sensuality in your life. After starting this, you begin to savor each sound, each smell, each touch. You'd be surprised how this can enhance your love life, as well as improving self image for both of you. You will want to eat less and do more.

3. Make dates to do activities together.

 

A marriage is a thing where you reflect each other and eventually become similar to each other (just because two people share the same living conditions). People naturally develop similar body types and if you don't feel good about the way you look, the two of you may butt heads and make each other miserable.

 

He might be blaming his own weight problem on the situation that forces both of you to be overweight. It's not your fault or his. It's just about adjusting the way the household lives in a way that makes both of you happy.