The Best Friend...Was it actually meant to be?

[StrungOut1975]

So let me make sure I understand...you messaged him and TOLD him you found him attractive?

 

You are basically asking for an A. In a few months, you'll be posting about how hard it is to share him with his poor unsuspecting wife.

 

A year or so from now, you'll want sympathy over THEIR D-Day.

 

I'm out.

 

^^ this ^^^

[minimariah]

the thing that stuck out to me, OP, was the way you describe his W and their relationship -- she is a sweetheart and they're precious together. so it seems like you like her ALSO and have no ill, evil, harmful opinions or thoughts about her.

 

so if you want to keep yourself out of this possible A -- think about his W, how precious they are together, how their family is lovely, how their kids are cute and how his W is a sweetheart to you. remind yourself of those things all the time, it might help you "sober" up a little.

 

also... things might be awkward if he tells his W that you find him attractive.

 

ALSO - the age thing. you think that he was "too young" for a marriage and a family when he was around 20 - 22 but you're that same age right now and you don't think you're too young for an A and a role of a possible stepmother? you're the same age he was when he became a father. think about it... why isn't it too early for you but it was for him? why is his age some kind of "AHA!" moment to justify his possible marriage fail but that same age isn't enough for you to back off? you said you're a big advocate for living life before settling down, why aren't you doing that?

 

this "best friend" and marrying young topic is a way you try to explain to yourself why did his marriage fail (IF it fails, that is). it is also a matter of self defense because now that he is "older" you think your possible relationship with him WON'T fail because, well... he's more mature now, i guess.

 

the age thing is interesting, it seems as if you want folks to tell you "yeah, he married too young and he probably never loved his W and married her just for being best friends". that's something you want to believe in, in order to justify your wish for an A.

 

you started this entire thing -- he might be the one who is flirting, but you're the one who basically made a 1st move. he on the other hand... seemed interested in the reply and instead of being grossed out by it... you're looking for a sign to continue.

 

think far in the future -- let's say he leaves his W and decides to start a relationship with you. are you ready to tie yourself down to someone who isn't as "free" as you are due to the fact that he has three kids he has to take care of? are you ready to share up YOUR space and time with him with his kids and to be a stepmother at the age of 23,24? think about all of the responsibilites that come with dating someone who has three kids. if he's a good man, he'll be a good father and he will spend 50% time with them... that is a LOT for someone who doesn't have any kids and is still in school. you're just starting to build a career, you might even end up in another country... he won't be able to follow because he needs to be with his kids. think about ALL OF THAT.

 

i'd say most of us were right -- you're already in. good luck and be careful.

Edited June 19, 2015 by minimariah

[Quiet Storm]

I think what you are considering is wrong. They have a good thing going, have made a stable home for their kids, and here you are about to ruin everything for them just because you find a guy attractive.

 

You said you are an attractive woman yourself, so I'm sure there are plenty of single guys you could date. I'm not religious, but I do try to have integrity and standards, so I'm not being morally judgmental here. It's just about the golden rule, you know? Here is a couple that you like and seems happy & secure, yet you are planning to sabotage them. That's just not right. You don't have to be a slave to your feelings. Do you just not care that your actions may affect this family? Or do you care, but learned to numb out your conscience at some point over your lifetime?

 

It seems to me like you are seeking attention. You have an attraction for him, and you wanted him to notice it and act on it. When he didn't, you made sure you got noticed by sending that text. "Look at me! Look at me!". I know you were drinking, but c'mon! If your drinking causes you to send desperate texts, you may want to reign that in. It makes you look weak and out of control (not saying you care what others think, but this is your career we're talking about).

 

Part of being an emotionally healthy adult is being smart enough to recognize your weaknesses and babysit yourself, so that you don't do anything dangerous or stupid. If you can trust yourself when you drink, don't drink. If you can't control your attraction to a married guy, keep your distance.

 

It's like you are strolling into the lions den, saying "I know, this isn't smart, I'm drunk, I don't really want to do this, I can't help it, it's a mistake", but then you keep right on walking. So you can't be surprised when the lion knocks you down with one swipe and eats you for dinner, you know? Saying "it was a mistake" won't erase the consequences to you, him and his family.

 

You said "I can't say I won't say no to him and it's frightening!"- that feeling means to stay away & distance yourself, not feed the attraction more. No one in this world is going to protect you- that's up to you. And when you ignore the flashing lights telling you to "Stop!" "Danger!", you are only hurting yourself. You may manage to escape a few mistakes unscathed, but poor choices in life add up and often lead to heartache and unhappiness.

 

It's very possible he might show his wife the text, who will surely share it with the office, and then you will be known as the girl who offers herself up to married guys. Before you know it, all the married guys in the office will be sniffing around because they'll all think you're down for an affair. And the women won't trust you. I know this sounds extreme, but I've seen this go down on this board and in real life multiple times. While unfair, double standards are still a harsh reality and you will be the one who's rep is tarnished. When other people realize you are OK with participating in an affair, they'll question your ethics, which can affect your career.

 

This is a very risky road for you to go down. You don't have to give in to your attraction and emotions. We teach toddlers to control their tantrums, we teach kids to hold back from smacking their siblings in anger. You are a grown woman, so while you can't help the attraction you feel, you surely can choose not to act on it. This wishy-washy "I don't know if I'll be able to resist" - I expect a woman who's already been sucked in by MMs manipulations and is in an established affair to say this. MM isn't trying to manipulate you or coerce you. This helplessness you are feeling seems kind of immature, given the situation.

 

Life is just a series of choices and ones like this can send it on a downward spiral quick. I hope you can be strong.

Edited June 19, 2015 by Quiet Storm

[jen1447]

Are you serious with this advice? If you are only joking, I apologize for what I'm about to say and no offense to you.

 

If you are serious, you are encouraging this young woman to light a stick of dynamite that's chained to her wrist. Sweet Kitten, the choice is yours but so are the consequences. I can only tell you that "playing a game of grabbies" would be the single most stupid thing you could ever do. Don't even entertain it. Bc he will flip it on you and you will not be able to "stop" and walk out like its some big haha. Not possible. Please please please run away from these people. You did not make a "mistake" by texting him. In court, it would be called premeditated and you'd certainly be convicted. Is this your dream job? Do you have a mortgage to pay? Do you really need to be there? If not, do all you can to get the hell out and preserve your soul. If you have no moral compass and soul, then now is the time to find one. I agree with whoever said to use this time to figure out why you are even considering this path. My reasons were an absent father and an absent and cheating husband. (Of course this was all on the subconscious level). I thought the A would validate me and I was starving for affection. Truth is, it made my life a thousand times worse. You should be happy that your biggest choice now is whether to run or embark. I'd love to be where you are. Trust me, when you are a year in sobbing uncontrollably and getting the shakes bc he won't return your text, you'll look back at these warnings. I wouldn't wish this crap on my worst enemy. I wish you the best.

 

Completely serious.

 

People have a tendency to preach to and patronize others with platitudes about how what they're doing is wrong. It usually doesn't work. Look at how effective it's been in this thread - almost everyone has said don't do it, it's wrong for x-y-z, and as a result she's a breath away now from actually doing it.

 

At some point the more effective strategy to dissuade people from wrongdoing is to acknowledge what's actually happening, acknowledge that they may actually lack the wherewithal to stop it from happening, and try to limit the damages. If this thing is going down one way or the other, lack of PiV sexual contact, limited to happy hands and some kissing, could satisfy OP's need for a 'conquest' without committing the actual act. Is it ideal? No, but it's better than her banging away at the guy for 48 hours, from which point there's no return. So playing grabbies is certainly not the single stupidest thing she could do, being as playing dick-pussy-bash 5000 would obvs be worse.

 

It is indeed possible to walk out of a sexual encounter - done it many times, so I'm not sure where you're going with that.

 

What are you talking about re: "in court" and "premeditated" and "convicted"? None of this is criminal activity in the slightest, she will not be charged with anything for having an affair with a married man. (Unless this isn't a western country we're talking about, but I'm assuming it is.)

 

Your trying to convince her to behave herself based on your own experience with having an affair is on-point and compelling imo, altho I still disagree that the OP is reachable with that line of thinking. I'm willing of course to allow you to voice your opinion on that regardless, but please do me the courtesy of allowing me to voice mine. It's not you I'm trying to reach, it's her.

[StrungOut1975]

Completely serious.

 

People have a tendency to preach to and patronize others with platitudes about how what they're doing is wrong. It usually doesn't work. Look at how effective it's been in this thread - almost everyone has said don't do it, it's wrong for x-y-z, and as a result she's a breath away now from actually doing it.

 

At some point the more effective strategy to dissuade people from wrongdoing is to acknowledge what's actually happening, acknowledge that they may actually lack the wherewithal to stop it from happening, and try to limit the damages. If this thing is going down one way or the other, lack of PiV sexual contact, limited to happy hands and some kissing, could satisfy OP's need for a 'conquest' without committing the actual act. Is it ideal? No, but it's better than her banging away at the guy for 48 hours, from which point there's no return. So playing grabbies is certainly not the single stupidest thing she could do, being as playing dick-pussy-bash 5000 would obvs be worse.

 

It is indeed possible to walk out of a sexual encounter - done it many times, so I'm not sure where you're going with that.

 

What are you talking about re: "in court" and "premeditated" and "convicted"? None of this is criminal activity in the slightest, she will not be charged with anything for having an affair with a married man. (Unless this isn't a western country we're talking about, but I'm assuming it is.)

 

Your trying to convince her to behave herself based on your own experience with having an affair is on-point and compelling imo, altho I still disagree that the OP is reachable with that line of thinking. I'm willing of course to allow you to voice your opinion on that regardless, but please do me the courtesy of allowing me to voice mine. It's not you I'm trying to reach, it's her.

 

 

Jen, I meant no disrespect so please don't take it that way. My advice was based not just on my own experience but from reading and hearing the experiences of countless others. Frankly, I do believe that once she gets handsy with this man, the desire will only grow and grow until it culminates into a full blown A. Obviously I understand your point about how warning a person (especially in this case) will get you nowhere once their mind is made up. I will say, however, that I can not in good conscience advise this woman to just "have a little fun and get it out of her system" with someone else's husband. I get where your going with it but I personally just can't do it. The pain runs too deep... the consequences far too great and even if it's not full blown intercourse, it's still a huge betrayal. The damages are still great to all parties. If this guy has been married since 20 and his wife is all he knows, his nose will be WIDE open if he makes out with this young lady. He will be distracted, curious.. His marriage will suffer, his children will suffer and the addiction process will begin for him as well. When I embarked in an A, I was out for myself. My AP flirted with and pursued me. Although he is a willing participant, he was also a victim. He didn't realize how a little "harmless flirting" could lead to the miserable weakness we've created in each other. I sometimes see the pain, turmoil and guilt in his eyes as well.

 

So no, I can not sit back and let your comment to "play grabbies" ride. To do so would be completely irresponsible and I stand by my statement that it would be the stupidest thing she could ever do. It would be like telling someone to snort just "a little blow". And from one addict to a prospective addict, that ain't going down.

 

Again, no disrespect to you Jen. I know you mean well and I respect your opinion but I respectfully disagree.

[jen1447]

That's fine, thanks for clarifying. But do you really think that a one-time make-out/groping session that she cuts off before it goes any further is really stupider (and more potentially damaging) than having full-on sex with the guy?

[MuddyRock]

It may not be worse then full out sex but it is still an affair. It is still grounds for divorce if found out and still may tear a good family apart.

[MuddyFootprints]

It's further emotional entanglement and detrimental to everyone's mental health.

 

Someone is going to get hurt. Why invest in long-term pain?

[minimariah]

That's fine, thanks for clarifying. But do you really think that a one-time make-out/groping session that she cuts off before it goes any further is really stupider (and more potentially damaging) than having full-on sex with the guy?

 

the thing is -- they won't stop on that. at least she won't. she wants a fullblown relationship, not just a one time hook up. although a one time hook up can "break" the spell.

[Sassy Girl]

OP why are you starting trouble?

 

You started this and made a move on someone else's man.. Stuck your nose in someone else's marriage for what?

 

Are you that hard up for attention? If you're that attractive you can go and find your own man, not make aggressive moves on someone else husband and father. And a colleague to boot. Guess you don't care about our own reputation at work. How utterly unprofessional. This will not end well for you.

 

Sounds like you work hospitality. You know what happens in those environments? Word spreads like wildfire. I wouldn't be surprised if he shares your little messages of adoration with his wife or other colleagues... Then it's only a matter of time before the whole place is talkin about you and the kind of person you are. You'll have a reputation that follows you and the wife will make sure everyone knows.

 

Not smart. Not smart at all. Stop drinking because you're obviously making really crappy choices for yourself when you do .

 

And grow up. One day you'll be married with kids and some 22 year old entitled attention seeker will try and poach your husband. What will you think then?

[Doublegold]

Is this the OM/OW posting area of LoveShack or the let's beat down the OP section? I seriously have no agenda here but it is obvious some do.

 

All you anti-affair XOW/BS/XMM whoever know it all's have a forum--It is the Infidelity Forum under Marriage/Infidelity/Partnerships. If someone posts here looking for a soft place to land they sure don't need a beat down from the likes of you all.

 

Move along.

Edited June 20, 2015 by Doublegold

[minimariah]

All you anti-affair XOW/BS whoever know it all's have a forum--It is the Infidelity Forum under Marriage/Infidelity/Partnerships.

 

you can't tell others where they CAN or CAN'T post.

 

If someone posts here looking for a soft place to land they sure don't need a beat down from the likes of you all.

 

the OP isn't looking for a safe place to land, she asked for an advice & she is getting some good ones from people with experience. it is up to her to either take it or ignore it.

 

stop calling those comments you dislike and those comments that aren't kissing the OP's a** "beating down" -- there were maybe two harsher comments in this entire thread, what "beating down" are you talking about?

 

telling the OP that entering an A is a bad idea is your definition of "beating down"? OF COURSE people will tell her NOT to enter an A, come on. you don't need to be an OW or an BS to know that most A are a bad idea and do more harm than good.

Edited June 20, 2015 by minimariah

[Doublegold]

The replies speak for themselves. We can leave it up to the moderators to decide. Have a nice night.

[William]

The way it works is the same players show up and disrespect people until moderation shows up, then they go back to their off-site forums to regroup for the next attack. I'll talk to the other moderators, since we have five now, about what we should do about this. In the meantime I'll close this up pending a review. Long work day -> not interested in doing it right now.