unsure of how this long distance relationship will last?

[Tialou174]

I have been with my partner for a year. We rent a home together and have been happy in this relationship.

 

we have always had a great relationship however about 3 months ago he was called away for work, i see him usually once a month for around a week on average.

 

My issue is that as soon as he started this job i have been on an emotional roller coaster.

 

I have started getting jealous of his past...he has been with over 100 women and i am his first relationship. I do not think he would cheat at all but i worry his past might come back to bite us and i worry that maybe i need some more experience....

 

So I have started questioning if i need more sexual experience (mainly more sexual partners which sounds ridiculous but i am being honest with myself and that is all this is i think) and now i am going away with friends for a long holiday and keep thinking that this is my chance to have my sexual experience.

 

Why am i feeling like this?

 

I love him but i dont know if i can do long distance. At the moment he will be continuing for at least another 6-8 months.

 

I have told him that i need time to figure things out and need some time to myself (which is crazy because i dont see him enough as it is) and he has agreed to give this to me but has asked that i do not cheat.

 

How can i love someone, want to spend the rest of my life with them but not be able to cope with distance and question my morals at the same time.

 

Would i be an awful person to act on these feelings when away?

[Lois_Griffin]

More than likely, just because he's your first serious relationship doesn't mean he'll be your LAST.

 

You're clearly not ready to make any type of long-term commitment to him and that's not the end of the world. You're just not ready.

 

Why don't you just tell him that and then go out and date and experience LIFE, rather than having some sleazy one night stand while you're away, just so you can get more "experience?'

 

Don't lower yourself to that type of sleazy behavior.

[StalwartMind]

You question things because the current situation is not ideal or to your preference. Most aren't capable of long distance relationships even if the person they are with is absolutely fantastic. I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling some kind of despair, but I hardly doubt having sexual experiences is going to do anything for your confidence and fear of the relationship.

 

I do however believe that it depends on the person you are, both men and women connect intimacy with different things. Some people prefer to create a deep connection with their partner, others are less dependent on that. Non is more right than the other, it's up to you to find out what appeals to you the most and end up with someone who feels similar.

 

There's every chance a long distance relationship simply isn't for you, no shame in that, but better to realize it sooner than later. You can always question others and fear the worst, but that will do you no good. It would likely be the best for you to actually be in a relationship where you are comfortable. Maybe you can learn to become that with time, but consider being honest as emotional roller coaster rides can take it's toll on you. Stability is the best recipe for something to give you a more peaceful mind and heart.

[OldSoul86]

I have been with my partner for a year. We rent a home together and have been happy in this relationship.

 

we have always had a great relationship however about 3 months ago he was called away for work, i see him usually once a month for around a week on average.

 

My issue is that as soon as he started this job i have been on an emotional roller coaster.

 

I have started getting jealous of his past...he has been with over 100 women and i am his first relationship. I do not think he would cheat at all but i worry his past might come back to bite us and i worry that maybe i need some more experience....

 

So I have started questioning if i need more sexual experience (mainly more sexual partners which sounds ridiculous but i am being honest with myself and that is all this is i think) and now i am going away with friends for a long holiday and keep thinking that this is my chance to have my sexual experience.

 

Why am i feeling like this?

 

I love him but i dont know if i can do long distance. At the moment he will be continuing for at least another 6-8 months.

 

I have told him that i need time to figure things out and need some time to myself (which is crazy because i dont see him enough as it is) and he has agreed to give this to me but has asked that i do not cheat.

 

How can i love someone, want to spend the rest of my life with them but not be able to cope with distance and question my morals at the same time.

 

Would i be an awful person to act on these feelings when away?

 

I put a couple of things in your post in bold that I find quite interesting.

 

Like people have said here, a long distance relationship takes a TON of effort to make it work. I did not have a successful go at mine insofar as we're not together anymore, but I did learn a heck of a lot about what I do want from a relationship.

 

I asked myself a very similar question to the one you posed (sans the wanting to get more sexual experience part - not a judgment by the way.) People are physical beings. You spend a lot of time apart in a long distance relationship and unfortunately you are not made privy to a lot of non-verbal communication, and cannot be there physically when your significant other has a bad day and you want to comfort them (IMO that is an awful feeling.) If you have spent any sort of time with a person physically, having to break away from that is crappy and it definitely is a downgrade. Myself, I need the closeness and the spontaneity that comes with a close proximity relationship - how do you feel about this?

 

Not everyone is wired to be in a long distance relationship, and there is no shame in analyzing your situation and doing what is best for you. Ultimately if you are not happy, you need to take steps to ensure that you find happiness again. It may seem greedy, but it is not. What is greedy is holding on to something that no long suits you (I learned this the hard way.) Holding onto something that is not good for you will only make the pain that much worse once you finally realize that you want something that your partner cannot provide for you. It is the worst feeling in the world, but ultimately it is extremely liberating at the same time - you become cognizant of what you truly want, and then once you've mended you can go seek exactly that.

Edited June 17, 2015 by OldSoul86
Additional thoughts

[TMichaels]

Geez, now we have two new threads started by new women posters who are involved with a man who has a significant appetite for sex whom they are afraid they won't be able to satisfy in bed.

 

Wow. What an amazing coincidence!

 

Unless, of course, you're a bored and testosterone-laden schoolkid getting his jollies at the expense of others on an online relationship forum.

 

Nope, sorry. Not feeding this troll, either.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[justwhoiam]

I have been with my partner for a year. We rent a home together and have been happy in this relationship.

How old are you both? What happens in 6-8 months? He will be back to the apartment for good?

 

I have started getting jealous of his past...he has been with over 100 women and i am his first relationship. I do not think he would cheat at all but i worry his past might come back to bite us and i worry that maybe i need some more experience....

Have you ever thought that maybe that was what set you apart from the others? Think about it. And if you change that state of things, you could jeopardize the nice relationship with him. So it's up to you. You can go by the saying: better the devil you know than the devil you don't know, or you can simply take the risk and have new experiences. Just be aware that there might be no turning back. So go for it only if you're ready to lose him.

 

Why am i feeling like this?

Because he had something you didn't have. And you'd like to have some taste of it too.

 

How can i love someone, want to spend the rest of my life with them but not be able to cope with distance and question my morals at the same time.

Because you wonder what's out there? How many guys did you date? And how many did you have sex with?

 

Would i be an awful person to act on these feelings when away?

That just depends on your conscience, on your values, principles, etc.

[Tialou174]

Wow thank you all for the advice. I really appreciate it

 

And no sorry i am not a troll, nor do i feel like i am bad sexually. He has told me i am the best lover he has had which has made me feel great but i still feel a need to experience more.

 

I have had a few relationships...i have been with 13 guys...in no way do i feel like i have been a saint but i have always held myself back.

 

I am in my late 28 and he is 34, and i know that sounds old to be questioning myself but i have had long term relationships and never experienced being single.

 

My last relationship was 4 years. I had a year gap between him and my current partner and never experimented because i was quite broken from the last 4 years.

 

In 8 months he will be living back with me and the long distance will be over and i will love him as i do now and did before and we will be happy like we were before but right now something is missing.

 

I think that as i am going away with my girl friends maybe i should choose that time to act on these feelings if i can bring myself to, rather than wonder forever? this has been something i have always felt even before i was with my partner but somehow his past has made me question mine even more.

 

some days i feel that i am willing to potentially lose him in order to experience more and then other days i know that all i want is him. Really this has absolutely nothing to do with him and these feelings and my feelings towards him are so so separate.

 

I have never found sex emotional at all but i have been tought that the act of sex is bad. I am an extremely sexual person and have never allowed myself to explore this more.

 

Don't get me wrong...i have tried many different things with my ex partner and with my partner now including toys and dress up etc but its the number that is bothering me and that sounds ridiculous but i have to explain how i feel

 

i have tried talking to him but can never seem to say that i want more experience. I know it would hurt him even though those people that i would potentially have more experience with could never take his place and would never have my love or emotion. They would be there to help me experience more

Edited June 18, 2015 by Tialou174

[Tialou174]

Also, do you have a link to that other post. I would be very interested in reading what that persons feelings are about their partners sexual past

[OnlyHonesty]

One of the most important parts of every relationship are honesty and communication. Since you find it difficult to communicate your need for more experience, maybe it would simply be easier directing your bf to this forum thread...

[Tialou174]

'One of the most important parts of every relationship are honesty and communication. Since you find it difficult to communicate your need for more experience, maybe it would simply be easier directing your bf to this forum thread'

 

Thank you so much for your response,

 

However I do not believe honesty is the most important thing and neither does he.

Yes there must be trust and communication but when i asked him if he would want to know if i cheat he basically said he would not.

 

I have many secrets that i would not speak with him about and he probably has also. I dont believe telling someone everything about yourself is necessary or healthy for that matter. I dont thinke he needs to know every thought that enters my mind and he does not want to know every thought either.

 

I have had 'too honest' relationships before which caused a break down because we knew too much about eachother and didnt like what we knew.

 

I believe everyone is different and so you cannot fully understand and accept another human being unless they are your child. We all have different beliefs and i am sorry for me too much honesty is a problem. That is actually what has led us to this jealousy, how is that in any way productive?

[justwhoiam]

right now something is missing.

[...]

I have never found sex emotional at all

I guess that's the key to everything. You can try whatever you want and be left with a sense of (extreme) dissatisfaction. There's no number of things you can try that will change anything. You lack the most important part of sex: emotion. I guess you need help to know how to. It's not that unusual to have emotionless sex for people who've been taught that sex is bad. Maybe you need some consulting.