Life has been hell

[Akashsingh]

I was separated in Apr 2013. It was a day when my ex got me arrested over some argument. She wasn't hurt or anything but she wanted to get back at me. So she called cops on me. Took out a restraining order for 2 years. Filed for divorce. It went on until Jan this year when the restraining order was dropped.

 

She and her attorney were more mad at me for getting the order dropped. I asked for reconciliation and opposed them in divorce, so they wrote a lot of bad stuff about me (some of that not true) in court papers. So finally I agreed to sign the papers because the judge ordered us to show up.

 

--- Anyways, thats the background of our separation and 2 years there after. Quite nasty if you ask me. When we first got separated, I didn't miss my ex much, intact I felt better for a few days. I was , of course, quite mad at her for calling cops on me. But ever since we came close to divorce and when she filed for divorce, I have been missing her each day of life. I have stopped working since my divorce was finalized, 5 months ago. I have a new job lined up in the BEST company in the world with tons of money. However, deep inside me, I feel empty. I dont even want to show up for this job.

 

I just want to be with her. However, she has not contacted me since and I have not. I have not because, I am partly scared as her attorney warned me to stay away from her. I don't want to get in further legal trouble.

 

None of us both have been in any relationship ever since. Both of us have tons of ego problem. Even when we were together, she would not call me or initiate contact. It was always me, but she didn't mind me calling her.

 

However, she just tagged along with everything I ever wanted to do and gave me company. I love her for that. I miss her. How do I go about reconciling with her?

[TaraMaiden2]

You don't.

Every contact you've had with her has ended in total disaster.

 

You wait for her to contact you.

Judging by your post, "never" will come sooner.

 

Tune out, turn off, drop everything.

 

And move on. .

[Lois_Griffin]

I was separated in Apr 2013. It was a day when my ex got me arrested over some argument. She wasn't hurt or anything but she wanted to get back at me. So she called cops on me. Took out a restraining order for 2 years. Filed for divorce. It went on until Jan this year when the restraining order was dropped.

 

She and her attorney were more mad at me for getting the order dropped. I asked for reconciliation and opposed them in divorce, so they wrote a lot of bad stuff about me (some of that not true) in court papers. So finally I agreed to sign the papers because the judge ordered us to show up.

 

--- Anyways, thats the background of our separation and 2 years there after. Quite nasty if you ask me. When we first got separated, I didn't miss my ex much, intact I felt better for a few days. I was , of course, quite mad at her for calling cops on me. But ever since we came close to divorce and when she filed for divorce, I have been missing her each day of life. I have stopped working since my divorce was finalized, 5 months ago. I have a new job lined up in the BEST company in the world with tons of money. However, deep inside me, I feel empty. I dont even want to show up for this job.

 

I just want to be with her. However, she has not contacted me since and I have not. I have not because, I am partly scared as her attorney warned me to stay away from her. I don't want to get in further legal trouble.

 

None of us both have been in any relationship ever since. Both of us have tons of ego problem. Even when we were together, she would not call me or initiate contact. It was always me, but she didn't mind me calling her.

 

However, she just tagged along with everything I ever wanted to do and gave me company. I love her for that. I miss her. How do I go about reconciling with her?

At first I was angry FOR you that your ex would supposedly do such a heinous thing as to 'embellish' a story in order to get a TWO YEAR restraining order.

 

But quite honestly, there has to be pretty substantial and compelling evidence for someone to get a permanent 2 year RO on a person.

 

After having read your post that you're STILL obsessed with getting back together with your ex, it all makes sense to me now.

 

There was a good reason for that RO.

[GoBlue]

Listen - so easy for someone to make a judgment based on reading a post and filtering it through their own experience. I will do that myself now because I completely understand what it is like to miss someone whom you may have taken for granted while married. Many men, like myself, don't realize how good they had it until the relationship is gone. Then comes the reality and the willingness to change. "If she would only give me another chance," we reason within ourselves, but very few women are willing to put their hearts at risk again once they get out of a relationship they deem was not very loving. They will also protect their hearts by doing uncharacteristic things like call the cops, turn to another man, and even, in my case, leave the faith the two had in common when they married in the first place.

 

If there is still an active RO you don't have a lot of options. Have you considered writing her a letter? If you are truly concerned about legal ramifications you could send it to her attorney and ask him/her to notify her to come get it if she so chooses. I don't know if there is any hope of reconciling with your ex, but I do know that what is happening to you right now is not healthy. A relationship requires two people who willingly choose one another. It's fine and normal to have regrets after a break-up - especially a divorce - it's also normal to miss your wife and wish for another chance. What you cannot do, however, is let this extreme hurt cause even more problems for your life. Do you have a mentor, support group, or a Pastor you can talk with? One of the best things I ever did was join a Divorce Recovery group.

 

I truly am sorry for your pain. I believe in reconciliation but you can't make her do something she doesn't want to do. I pray for your peace and hope things start to get better for you. Hang in there my friend.

Edited June 17, 2015 by GoBlue

[Akashsingh]

At first I was angry FOR you that your ex would supposedly do such a heinous thing as to 'embellish' a story in order to get a TWO YEAR restraining order.

 

But quite honestly, there has to be pretty substantial and compelling evidence for someone to get a permanent 2 year RO on a person.

 

After having read your post that you're STILL obsessed with getting back together with your ex, it all makes sense to me now.

 

There was a good reason for that RO.

 

Your post is a bit prejudicial to say there has to be substantial evidence against me. Having gone through a divorce myself, it's not uncommon for a woman to say justice system is fair and men to complain it to be unfair. First of all you don't know me and let me address the evidence ...... " It was her word against mine..." The restraining order was actually a no contact order pursuant to charges filed of simple assault against me, based oh her "word" that I had grabbed her. The case never went to jury and I never pleaded guilty. They offered me pre trial diversion, where in I did BIT for 52 weeks after negotiating with prosecuting attorney for 6-8 months. The charges were dropped thereafter and hence the no contact order. My ex only made statements to the cops. She never gave any declaration or testimony in any courtroom. Obviously to a lay person like you you want to cover your back and not actually let couple seek counseling. I was quite mad at the "liberals" govt. in my state for giving no chance to seek counseling. My ex isn't a piece of material that I would not have emotion over. I was emotionally and financially invested in her. I sent her to school here. I helped her get established in her career early on. Obviously, to your eyes you can call that obsession, but she was no stranger to me. She was 21 when I met her and 22 when we got married. I helped her get set up and become independent in life. I truly did care for her. So it does pain me a lot when someone says , oh you are obsessed or something like that..... because you are not the person who put effort in this, I did. It's also your perception that courts are fair. The standard for RO is "probably did 51%" which the judge will almost always find a woman credible for entering an RO. I asked that time that the NC be removed so we could communicate by email, she refused. But during this time she did send me a couple of demeaning emails. My attorney said let it go. When I went to a BIT class, there were a couple of guys there, one a pilot with major airline who had an RO against him for "grabbing" his wife by arm and one guy was there for emotional abuse of his wife "for not talking with her" Anyways , when it comes to divorce, i know now justice system is one sided. If I were truly obsessed with her, I would not have respected RO. The point I was making was, despite her being mean to me so much, I had soft feelings for her and I still wanted to reconcile. I haven't been brought up the way you were. I do believe in marriage as a marriage with a soul mate and marriage for a lifetime. I am willing to forgive and forget everything. So stop being judgemental and justifying actions of courts. We know they have killed innocent people for murder in the past. Those guys are there to cover their backs and keep their jobs. If you can give some constructive idea on how to reconcile / cope then by all means chime in. Otherwise, I don't have patience for opinions that don't address the core question asked here.

[d0nnivain]

The minute the cops get involved there is no hope. Even if you got the TRO dropped, she was still either scared or vindictive enough to have called them in the 1st place.

 

 

Rather than focusing on getting her back. Focus on getting over her, healing & moving on to a healthier relationship