i am desperate for you

[symphonyofwolves]

he asked me to be his gf after no contact for almost 3-4 months. i said no because i wanted him to chase me. i hate that he thinks he can come and go out of my life and expect me to take him back so easily. but i would in a heartbeat, i just was not able to put my complete vulnerability for him out in the open like that. he told me to at least think about it and i told him of course i would and of course i did. every damn day, but he never brought it back up again. and i was too afraid to. he had been texting me everyday for about 2-3 weeks up until that encounter. after that day, it eased up. we had made plans several times but they never fell through. i have not seen him since. we had a few fights via text over our miscommunication issues and how i play hard to get. i don't mean to, i just wanted to feel wanted and he said he did too. i never texted him first. well, now almost 2 months since our encounter, he has changed his profile picture to him and his ex. i guess they are back together again, and i am absolutely crushed. i think about him all of the time. i can't sleep. i have stopped eating. i never would have played hard to get if it meant losing him, but i feel deep inside my soul, he always wanted her more. i was initially a rebound from her last summer. throughout our entire relationship, she would post pictures of herself wearing the tiffany's necklace he bought for her before they broke up. and she would post quotes and songs clearly relating to him. i know all of this because i felt i had to stalk her because i knew he was still talking to her and seeing her all throughout our time together. they even had sex while i was with him. and sometimes she would come to his house while i was there and he would disappear for almost an hour or two at a time. he never respected me and was always calling me naive and gullible. i stayed with him because he made me the happiest person in the world. the sex was the best i've ever had, and i just loved everything about him. i was sincerely in love with him for who he was. nothing more or less and that was the first time i've ever felt that intensely for someone. i know it's better for me to not be with him because i know he never truly loved me, but i loved him and i'm so scared i will never love again, and i want him back so bad at whatever cost. i wish his ex would die so he would be forced to come back to me as his second best choice. we look nothing alike but she is pretty. and his friends said she is prettier than me because i'm "black." (i'm actually biracial, not that it matters, but he and his friends are ignorant af and that statement really really hurt me because i kind of wanted his friends to like me but they diss me because i don't look like his ex). anyway, he's the type who really cares what his friends think of him. and he got 25 likes on his new profile pic with her. i feel now he can't be with me because he's already made it known to the world that he's with her. his relationship status is still single but still. it's kinda obvious she's his girl now, and i feel so hurt that he could throw me away to the side like garbage. he will come back to me though when **** hits the fan, like all the other times. i just am sick of him using me like this. i wish he could truly love me the way i love him, the way he loves her. i know he doesn't think of me anymore but he is all i think about and i fear that he relishes in my pain. i didn't mean to hurt him if i ever did. i wish i knew where i went wrong. i feel so hopeless and pathetic i want to die. i hate that i can't get over him. i need some real therapeutic help but nothing works. i've considered taking drugs or swallowing pills to kill myself. (i most likely will not do that but i want to crash my car sometimes, i seriously cannot stand living some days:'( ) anything to help escape this hell. i'm scared i will never get better. my best friend lost respect for me for not being able to get over somebody who clearly doesn't love me, but i can't. i just can't. i don't know what's wrong with me. i have an obsession and i can't shake it or conquer it. please if anybody has any kind of advice out there for me or just some kind words for me, i would greatly very much appreciate it.

love,

symphony

Edited June 17, 2015 by symphonyofwolves

[Emilia]

Playing games results in this usually. It gets old fast. I can tolerate some of it but when I see from a man that he turns everything into powerplay, I go off him.

[symphonyofwolves]

that's exactly how he put it too. he said i played games and it got old. **** i hate myself so much, i wish i could rewind time and fix all of this and just would have run to his arms and told him i would be his instead of act stupid. i can't stop crying. i made the ****ing mistake and it's all my fault now and i'm left to dry n rot. ='(

[d0nnivain]

You never had him. The only thing you did right in this scenario is not immediately take him back after 3-4 months of NC. The man disappears for 1/4 of the year & then just pops back up. That's BS.

 

 

You reasons for not taking him back as stated, because you wanted him to chase you was a bit of gamesmanship but your instincts that he wasn't serious were dead on.

 

 

honey, you dodged a bullet.

 

 

Now block him from social media so you can't see him & his GF or her necklace Concentrate on healing your broken heart then go out & find a healthy happy relationship

[symphonyofwolves]

I know I should block him from Facebook but I'm afraid it will show him how weak I am by seeing him with her. ='(

[d0nnivain]

I know I should block him from Facebook but I'm afraid it will show him how weak I am by seeing him with her. ='(

 

Who cares what the F he thinks? You need to do what's best for you.

 

If you put your hand on a burning hot stove & it hurts you take it off. Stop being masochistic.

[symphonyofwolves]

:(my main fault is falling in love with people who never deserved my love in the first place. even though i didn't exactly show it or say it, i felt it, and what i felt was deeper than i've ever felt for anybody else. i loved him mind body and soul. but i couldn't even reveal to him my true feelings because i knew he never felt the same way. the humiliation hurt too bad to bare my soul to somebody who didn't reciprocate my feelings so i never let him know how i felt.

 

i think he had an idea though. that's why he felt like he could mistreat me the way he did. he played games with my mind and heart, lied, would have cheated most likely if i would have committed to him, which is exactly why i didn't. who needs someone like that? just utter toxicness. ugh. it makes me sick when i sit and think about it, but hey we need to live through the bad so we can appreciate the good, and i am hopeful that i will experience something good and healthy, something that i deserve. i just want everybody to love someone that they can love back in return. there's nothing like that.

 

i thought that's what i had at one point, or i made myself believe it was so and got caught up in the fantasy of it, but i was slapped with reality more than enough times to realize it was all just a fairytale. i wanted it to be real so bad because what i felt for him was so real, but it will never work if they don't reciprocate the feelings. it sucks, but it's life. who knows, maybe someday i will feel the same way for somebody else again or even more, and maybe they might even actually return the feelings back. 　

 

forever hopeful until then, i have to accept my life for what it is and continue to learn how to find my own happiness within myself. he's definitely weaker than me running back and forth to people as soon as things get tough or turning to drugs and alcohol. i deal with my pain, and maybe that makes me an outcast in life because i sit and feel my hurt for months and months with no friends no one to confide in no one who cares enough to want to listen or try to help me through this. i'm all alone with just my thoughts. it's hard but i haven't killed myself or resorted to self destructive methods. i feel insane and crazy. i feel so weak and sad and pathetic.

 

i cry way too much. i try to work out, eat, shop, sleep. nothing really helps. i write a lot, listen to a ton of music, drive entirely way too often. still nothing. i've tried dating. i simply just do not desire anybody. hanging out with the few friends i do have is no use, i end up having the same thoughts even with them and it only takes a certain thought or a song or some kind of reminder that instantly gives me flash backs and my eyes just glaze over with tears that are very difficult to control or conceal.

 

i can't wear makeup anymore. there's just simply no use in that and that is honestly probably what hurts the most because i feel unpretty without it. i'm just a mess. i quit my job because of this. my depression is at an all time low. i still refuse to take medication. my family hates me. i have no desire or drive or ambition an yore. when i was with him i was a whole other person. i was happy with myself and my life and the way my life was heading. i dropped out of grad school so i could spend more time with him because i was so scared he was going to leave me otherwise.

 

now i have nothing but time and he knows it and chose to act like everyone else in his life all of a sudden are more worthwhile than me. he was never supportive of me about anything. i couldn't open up to him about things because he was just so damn judgmental all the dang time. it hurt so much but i still stuck around because i loved him. i loved the good in it. even though it wasn't much good when i look back, that is all that comes to light when i think of him. and let me be clear, he is not a bad person. i'm just shedding light on the bad right now because he hurt me good. i allowed it though. i was weak and vulnerable and going through some things when i first met him and i guess he caught on to that and played me well. he was hurting too.

 

our timing was just so off. i feel if we had known each other longer, or found each other at a different stage in our lives, maybe none of this would have happened. but these are the kind of thoughts that i can't control and they consume me. they are pointless what if type ramblings that have no meaning because we will never know. it's just hard for me to let go. it has always been this way for me. idk why. i'm a hopeless romantic and i wish for the impossible to happen. i wish i wasn't this way. i wish i could turn the switch off and on like healthy minded dignified strong people so easily do, but i am just not wired that way. i hurt all the time and wallow in my shame and pain.

 

i don't want sympathy or pain or even empathy. i just want my best friend back. i want to be enough in his eyes. i want the courage to walk away. i want to feel less. i want numbness, but i don't want to lose my good heart. i don't want to end up bitter over this. i'm sure that won't happen because i'm learning already quite slowly how to deal and accept the pain of his absence. he is gone and is never coming back. at least i sure hope not.

 

i can't take this again. i hate being second best. i hate all of the crying and emotional trauma this has done to my damaged spirit. i just want to be well again. it is so hard to see the light. all i see are clouds. gray haziness.

Edited June 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs, please use them in the future

[symphonyofwolves]

I respect and love myself way too much to Ever go back to whatever broke me down or made me cry. No matter what it is. It is better to face the pain alone in solitude than to be with someone who causes you more pain hurt and anxiety by being with them. The only person you should ever cry over is the one person who would Never make you cry. If you are with somebody and you are constantly still trying to validate yourself through other people, then you have an issue with yourself. You will always hurt whoever you are with because you yourself are in pain. Don't hurt somebody because you are hurt. Don't make someone fall in love with you because you are lonely and hurt over an ex who quit putting up with your stupidity. Deal with your issues like a person. Love yourself and allow yourself to feel your pain. There is nothing wrong with allowing oneself the time to experience their personal period of weakness. You need to in order to grow. Accept your faults and unless you don't want a different outcome, make the attempt to do something about them. The only person you will end up with is somebody who is incredibly vulnerable and weak themselves, but that is still no reason to hurt them. Stop preying on weak people and treat people like you would want them to treat you. Never awake the love inside another human being whom you have no intention of loving. It is cruel, disgusting, and you will only hurt yourself by the end of the process. If you don't see an issue with your ways, then someday when you actually love somebody for real and they leave you because of this same thing, it will hurt. I just hope you can see your issue. We all have our own issues, but this is one that I just lose all respect for. Get some dignity and respect for yourself. Those who truly love themselves radiate the most beautiful vibes.

[symphonyofwolves]

You are constantly on my mind. I think of you in my sleep. I can’t seem to shake the thought of you truly not loving me away from me. You have been all that has consumed me from the first time we spoke on the phone last summer. I wanted you so bad. I still do, and am ashamed to say so. You told me you made some poor decisions, one of them being “us.” I wish I had the courage to ask you what you meant by that. Did you really even mean that? As humiliating as it is to even have to admit this, I knew it would be reading into things way too much so I just left it alone. I do this all the time. You give me small incidences to open up and I never take them. I’m too afraid of what you will say. I always anticipate the worst based off of your actions. I mean I guess it is possible that you could actually love me, you just don’t know how to express it. Maybe you deny your feelings and push me away. I can understand that logic, but it hurts if it’s true because I truly do love you with a passion that is fiercer than fire. I really wanted us to be together for real. I wanted it all with you. A family, kids, a home, love… you told me once that you wanted all of these things, but I should have known you never had me in mind when you thought about them. It was always her from the start. I was just your diversion, your other woman, side bitch, chick on the side, lover, “friend.” God I hated being introduced as “This is Stephanie,” or “and this is my friend, Stephanie.” Like wtf? That hurt me so bad. I was never given the title, and as soon as you introduced me like that I realized then more than ever how ****ed up it really sounded out loud. I was nobody to you. I would never be anybody to you. All I ever was and ever would be was simply a body. Nothing more, nothing less. I wasn’t even a person to you. I had feelings that you ignored and walked over. I brewed and steamed and boiled in rage, passion, fury, and sadness, while you just sat there getting high and drunk deep in silent thought about your woes, texting ex bitches and work bitches instead of talking to the main bitch right next to you. I was right there under your nose, but not close enough I suppose. I was always there, and that was the problem, I’ll admit. I became hella clingy attached and desperate towards your ass. I was so afraid of losing you even after I knew I already lost you. I lost you such a long time ago. I am so hurt even thinking about it, like it literally makes me develop a large lump in my chest and throat and brings tears to the brims of my eyes. I refuse to cry though. I won’t say I haven’t, but I will not any more. You have hurt me intentionally and I cannot forgive you. I know you get strung out on drugs, and you have dealt with a lot of bull**** and you create a lot of bull**** for yourself…but I can no longer make any more excuses for you. You have found someone in this world who is willing to take care of your ass. Good for you. I hope you two remain happy, and you get the fairytale ending you have always dreamed of. Just know if you were mine, you would have experienced something you have probably never had before. I would have given you the world, but instead, i want to thank you for showing me a small piece of the world that I never want to return to, no matter how intoxicating it may be. You were a dream, and that is all you will ever be to me. None of it was real, everything I loved about you was all inside my head. It may have been real at one point in time early on, but reality blurs with fiction very easy with you. You got me good, you’re good at creating **** that’s for sure. I just wish you wouldn’t **** up good innocent people’s emotions because that **** stirs up unnecessary drama in other people’s lives. You are selfish for doing that and you know it. I know what it’s like to want company to join you in your misery. I know what it’s like to be addicted to pain. Honey, I know it so much better than you would think. Why the **** do you think I stayed around your ass? I mean as much as I wanted to be there for you and help you, I wallowed in my pain too. My pain for you. My pain that I was not good enough. I would never be her. I felt I wasn’t pretty enough. You started critiquing small things, making me feel insecure about myself. You wanted me to hate myself. I guarantee you that she does all of those things to you. She probably calls you a fat drunk, a loser, tells you that you’re nobody, you’re stupid, no one will ever love you, I could go on… I’m like A1 that she does. I guess that’s what you like though. It’s funny because I was like that to my ex. I was cold to the core with him. I wish I could tell you or have him rather tell you in person all of the ****ed up mind games and tricks and **** I put him through. But at the end of the day, I was being real with him. I thought I was too mean, and that nobody would accept me like he did after seeing my ugliest sides. I threw glass plates at him, broke a lot of his ****, I was ****ing crazy when I was with him. I could still be that way, but I couldn’t gage you. I don’t know what your reaction to insanity is. I have never seen you angry and that honestly bothers me. I didn’t want you to not wanna like me anymore if you saw this other part of me. I hid myself from you because I was so afraid of losing you. But I guess you needed to see it. But I also know you would have seen it then ran. Back to your ex, then after she blows up you youd run back to me again. And just no. I am not putting up with that kind of foolery. You either work **** out or don’t be with me. I didn’t even have the energy to try with you. There was no point. Hell, there wasn’t anything to work out anyway. It was her. It was never me, was never gonna be me, and you know it. So, anyway, yeah, and the reason I know you would run the minute things get tough and **** hits the fan is because 1. That’s what you do. History proves this. And 2. The one time we actually sat down face to face to try to talk **** out, you got up and left. You walked away like a little bitch. I wasn’t even close to going in on your ass yet and you couldn’t handle me saying I hated you. You’re weak, Derrick. Like super weak. If there was a super hero for being weak, you’d be it. Despite all this bull**** and negativity and drama that YOU have created, let’s be clear, this is all YOUR doing and YOUR fault…,I still am actually really truly madly and deeply in love with you. I’ve had better than you, but I’d still choose you. I never told you exactly how many guys I’ve been with and loved. I didn’t wanna scare you away by that, and quite frankly I don’t think something like that even matters, unless the past is still in the present, like in your case. I refuse to be with you as long as that bitch is in your life and still attached to your dick. I’ve told you before, you will only hurt her or she will hurt you. Or both, but whatever. I’m sad I couldn’t have you all to myself, but I’m glad I can see you for who you really are, and I hope you have the courage and the strength one day to grow up and walk away from what is comfortable so you can give yourself the opportunity to enjoy something real. It won’t be easy, but it will be so worth it I promise you. Good luck and best wishes

 

how do i get over you??? why did you do this to me and how could i let this happen???? ahhh i could scream at the moon but nothing helps. i feel so hopeless i wanna put a bullet in my head =(

[symphonyofwolves]

I just talked to a suicide hotline and was given advice to weigh the pros & cons of my toxic relationship i was in. I didn't discover anything I already knew, however, I need some advice on how people cope when they choose to walk away from the love of their life. It is excruciatingly hard for me. It is so hard seeing him back with his ex and I am too weak to block him. It's like I have an addiction to him and social media and am just waiting praying and hoping for everything to fall apart so he will come back to me again ='(

I know how pathetic this sounds. I'm sorry, I suck as a human being.

[symphonyofwolves]

you're right. i'm just too ****ed up to function properly anymore. i think i have a problem. i must enjoy this pain on some level if i find it this hard to simply block him.

[fireflywy]

I just talked to a suicide hotline and was given advice to weigh the pros & cons of my toxic relationship i was in. I didn't discover anything I already knew, however, I need some advice on how people cope when they choose to walk away from the love of their life. It is excruciatingly hard for me. It is so hard seeing him back with his ex and I am too weak to block him. It's like I have an addiction to him and social media and am just waiting praying and hoping for everything to fall apart so he will come back to me again ='(

I know how pathetic this sounds. I'm sorry, I suck as a human being.

 

You don't suck as a human being. PLEASE, don't be so hard on yourself. And please, don't let this destroy you. I don't know who you are, but the thought of you doing something drastic to.yourself, or ANY of LSers on here we devastate many of us though we be strangers.

 

 

I know it is hard to block someone especially when they meant so much to you. I carried my last relationship and I put all that was best of me in it, and like you, even after all of that, they are now in the arms of someone else. It is VERY hard to let go even if they didn't treat you properly because you invested, and not just any investment, but that of time, memories, and emotions.

 

You have to believe that you'll make it through this. You have to believe that YOU are worth something and that YOUR value doesn't decrease just because they went somewhere else. Its hard, it sucks, its tremendously painful to wrestle with, but its true.

 

look up a man named Mehran Dadbeh on youtube. Look through his videos especially the one about Why we want them back.

 

The guy ilhas some fantastic things to say, and after befriending him, he is genuine and speaks truth.

Edited June 18, 2015 by fireflywy

[symphonyofwolves]

it just hurts because this is somebody who hurt me and i never would have hurt him. I don't even want to hurt him in return because i still care that much about him. but even if i tried, i wouldn't be able to because he doesn't care about me. i just can't believe it.

[Robert]

moderator bump

[William]

William chiming in to add that not only are walls of text against our guidelines, so is starting five threads on essentially the same topic in the span of an hour. Six threads merged, readers optional on the walls of text and please continue the discussion in this thread. Responses from the thread starter may be delayed. Thanks!

[fireflywy]

it just hurts because this is somebody who hurt me and i never would have hurt him. I don't even want to hurt him in return because i still care that much about him. but even if i tried, i wouldn't be able to because he doesn't care about me. i just can't believe it.

 

Some people just are the way they are. You can pour your whole heart into them and they just aren't capable of giving back.

 

You will be okay though. Believe.

[fireflywy]

One other thing: Get back to Graduate School. Go back there in September. Focus on your energy and goals.

[Emilia]

Tell us about your family OP. Did you have a happy childhood?

[symphonyofwolves]

Yes actually, my childhood was very fortunate and very blessed. My parents are together. They love me very much and still do to this day. I moved around quite a bit though so I didn't get to keep many of the friends I made, but whenever I did make a friend, I grew very attached to them. And I'm still that way in my relationships. I'm not super close with my siblings or parents, but I can talk to them, it's just a little weird. We're all so different and everyone in my family handles relationship issues somewhat privately whereas I'm an open book and have blogs online dedicated to writing about it because right now I have very few friends in my life that I can talk to.

[15Love]

Hi symphonyofwolves,

 

I'm moving my response to your comment on my thread over here

 

I'm so sorry you're feeling discourage and depressed. Please know three things.

 

1.When you write about your feelings for him I feel like you're writing my feelings exactly...so you're not alone. Not by a mile.

 

 

 

2.

You never had him. The only thing you did right in this scenario is not immediately take him back after 3-4 months of NC. The man disappears for 1/4 of the year & then just pops back up. That's BS.

 

 

You reasons for not taking him back as stated, because you wanted him to chase you was a bit of gamesmanship but your instincts that he wasn't serious were dead on.

 

 

honey, you dodged a bullet.

 

 

Now block him from social media so you can't see him & his GF or her necklace Concentrate on healing your broken heart then go out & find a healthy happy relationship

 

 

^^^! You really did dodge a bullet.

 

3.

One other thing: Get back to Graduate School. Go back there in September. Focus on your energy and goals.

 

This is a great idea^^^

 

Ride the waves of your feelings and hopefully soon the swells won't be so high and the troughs won't be so low. Just let yourself feel it and wait to get to the other side of that feeling. Just remember...I'm over here doing the exact same thing. You're not alone!!