Why was HE cold to ME?

[crazyyetsane]

Little summary: the ex and I broke up a few months ago (his decision) under very hurtful circumstances (meaning he did something incredibly disrespectful and broke my heart). We did no contact (my decision), and I've been dealing with the pain for about 5 mo. now. He has a new gf who he has been seeing for a while now. I thought I wasn't over him, until I ran into him at a party last night. It was very awkward at first and we kind of avoided each other. Ironically he seemed to be avoiding me more than the other way around. The weird thing was that seeing him gave me a sense of closure. I realized that he wasn't the perfect man my imagination made him out to be, and that the spark between us had died, and I felt a kind f calm come over me as I accepted it.

 

Since I didn't want to leave things on a bad note, I smiled at him and congratulated him on his recent job promotion. We chatted briefly, and I was very friendly and warm towards him, asked him about how things were going, and had he read this and that book, basically just playing catch-up. I tried to keep things light and simple. He was acting kind and courteous, appeared to be totally over me, but he seemed very distant and a little cool, and that really bothered me. I felt like I was the one who was reaching out to him in the conversation and trying to make him feel comfortable, and he seemed really distracted and awkward while we talked. The questions he asked me were very generic and typical, and he didn't seem very happy to see me, nor interested in what I was saying, and barely even looked me in the eye. When I went to leave we gave each other an awkward hug goodbye and I told him it was good to see him, and he said the same.

 

What I don't understand is that he was the one who broke MY heart, so why was he acting so cold and distant? I thought it was very big of me to put myself out there and be kind. This is the first time I've ever seen him act like this- we'd broken up once before and he was always sweet whenever we'd see each other after that, making it clear that he still missed me and wanted to try a friendship whenever I was ready. Now this is the longest we've gone w/out seeing each other and he doesn't even seem like he misses me at all! It makes me sad that he didn't even seem that happy for me when I told him about the job I just got that knew I wanted for a long time, and that we had talked about endlessly. It stings. I'm not gonna try to contact him or anything since he clearly doesn't seem that interested in hearing from me, but I just wish I knew why he was acting so cold because I feel like I did something wrong or offensive.

 

Guys, what's his deal? And why did being nice end up working against me? I guess it's true what they say..."no good deed goes unpunished."

[crazyyetsane]

By the way, his girlfriend was NOT at the party so I know he wasn't acting strange because she was around.

[deemanct]

Hey there crazyyetsane.

You ask: What I don't understand is that he was the one who broke MY heart, so why was he acting so cold and distant?

From the stand point of being a guy, I can say that I find most guys deal differently with break ups than do girls. I think most guys tend to be cautious of certain feelings that accompany conversations with an ex. Just feeling certain familiar feelings is considered risky, if they are contrary to choices recently made. He's trying to stay safe in his new choices.

 

I thought it was very big of me to put myself out there and be kind.

 

No doubt, it was big of you. It's not easy in that situation. I bet he also has a level of guilt/shame involved in the choices he's made. I think that's part of him being distant too.

 

Guys, what's his deal? And why did being nice end up working against me? I guess it's true what they say..."no good deed goes unpunished."

 

Whoa! Don't jump to conclusions. I think this is important...you only have control over the choices that YOU make, and no one else. An it sounds like you are making good ones, at that. However, that is no guarantee things will go the way you'd like to have them go, only that as you look back, you'll feel as though you did in fact make the best choices you could make at the time you made them.

 

I don't think you did anything wrong at all. I think he's made choices that have changed his life, and he's still seeing the dust settle, as are you. It's tough being on the receiving end. I was married 10 yrs when I asked my wife is she was sleeping with a mutual friend. Her response was "it's none of your business who I sleep with". I t changed my life in a heart beat. It was really tough.

 

I can tell you broken hearts take a VERY long time to heal, and once healed, they don't "flex" as easily concerning certain people who were involved in the breaking of them. I have to say, I'm very sorry that he broke yours. I know it really sucks getting it broke. But take heart... It can bring you to a deeper understanding of human nature and caring for a mate inthe future, if you listen to the "softer feelings" in your heart about it. The hard, bitter feelings will only spin you out, keeping your eyes on yourself. You sound like a sweetheart and I know you'll find better things to come. Congrat's on the new job too!!!

[BrotherAaron]

I ran into an ex of mine at a party recently. I had broken up with this girl over 3 years ago. She came and talked to me, and I was very uncomfortable, as I was still with the girl I started dating fairly soon after breaking up with her. I was not very open, relaxed, or warm to her, because I still felt somewhat guilty for breaking her heart and didn't really think I deserved her attention the way I was getting it. In a way, I was cold to her because it was me who initiated the breakup, and she was devastated.

[SadAndLonely]

I'm thinking maybe he was concerned that you still had feelings for him, and he didn't want to lead you on. Or else maybe he felt embarrassed for hurting you. Could be both.

[BrotherAaron]

That's why I'm cold to my ex who I dumped, and my most recent ex who dumped me but has since started trying to get back with me.

[Merin]

Well...

 

From what you've said, I guess I would question a little if you're really over this Guy...

 

I've found in My own experience when I'm over someone it doesn't bother me if they seem to not care how I am if we happen to run into one another.. I don't look for signs that they miss me and if they don't congradulate me on something I've accomplished I chalk it up to "Good to see you're still a dick"

 

The opposite of Love isn't hate.. it's indifference.. when you reach a point that you REALLY no longer care what that other person is doing, who they are seeing, if they're happy or unhappy... while you may not wish bad things on them, you do not really care if they are doing well either.. because you're indifferent... and honestly IMO indifference stings a hella lot more than when you're no longer able to inspire even anger in the other person.. see what I'm saying?

 

My guess is your EXB is at a place of indifference.. if he didn't seem happy to see you, it's probably because he wasn't.. not that it means he was unhappy to see you.. it's just that he's removed himself from anything the 2 of you might have had and has moved on... you felt his indifference towards you and it stung...

 

At this point I wouldn't contact him.. keep on working on being happy with you and eventually you'll find yourself in that place (with any luck at all) of feeling the same indifference for how he is....

 

Good Luck.. AND never be ashamed for being nice to someone.. even when it's an a**hole EX.. LOL you're still a good person for trying.. just don't try so hard

[XNemesisX]

Ditto to all of that!

 

crazyyetsane,

 

I've been in your shoes. I could tell the indifference on the other end of the phone line the last few times I talked to my ex this past early April. Or..well okay so he was a bit more on the hostile end then completely indifferent but still..he really f*cked me over. He told me to call him on this specific date before he left to go back to Ohio and when I called on that day like he made me PROMISE to do his phone was already disconnected. So yeah..I think that was on purpose what do you think?

 

It really does sting especially when these people were such an important part of our lives for so long and now they act like they couldn't care less about us.

 

Eventually though, you will feel that same indifference when it comes to him just like Merin was saying.

 

Oh..and don't beat yourself up over being nice. Chances are, what goes around will come around and your ex is going to see what it feels like to be in your shoes someday. Oh..and next time if you do see him...try not even speaking to him. After how indifferent he acted toward you...I would say a really generic "hi" and just walk on past him.

[debs]

I've accomplished I chalk it up to "Good to see you're still a dick"

 

Now that Merin is priceless! roflmao

 

Yeah I agree why be uncomfortable seeing the exH!

Only thing mine had to worry about when we all lived in the same city was ME beating him and her senseless!

Nah I was a class act and I remain a class act!

 

But on a serious note his present wife is scared of this 50 yr old broad!

 

Which in itself is apprapro!!!!

[fire]

while i love this:

"I don't look for signs that they miss me and if they don't congradulate me on something I've accomplished I chalk it up to "Good to see you're still a dick""~merin

 

i dont really agree that it means one still has feelings in that way.

when i saw my first love again after about 2 years of me dumping him, i was really really hurt that he was cold to me. the way i saw it was that we had shared so much and whilst i no longer had feelings for him in that way i felt a certain warmth towards him.

however, after a lot of time if i saw him now i probably wouldnt even recognise him and probably would be quite glad if he didnt speak to me.

i agree about indifference but having feelings of warmth and hurt dont mean you would want to get back with somebody, or feel things in a bf/gf kinda way.

[st8toftheheart]

If the guy has an ego, he'll probabaly think you're being nice to him to get back into his good graces or that your up to something.

[lindya]

crazyyetsane. An awful lot of people seem to believe that class equals treating other people with icy politeness. By behaving in a warm, friendly manner you showed your ex true class. His failure to reciprocate is just further confirmation that he isn't quite the guy you once thought he was.

[faux]

Originally posted by crazyyetsane

...Now this is the longest we've gone w/out seeing each other and he doesn't even seem like he misses me at all!

 

What were you expecting? He dumped you. Why would he go out of his way to talk to you or to be 'sweet' to you? Why would he miss you if he chose to end a relationship with you, and tried to avoid you?

 

It makes me sad that he didn't even seem that happy for me when I told him about the job I just got that knew I wanted for a long time, and that we had talked about endlessly. It stings. I'm not gonna try to contact him or anything since he clearly doesn't seem that interested in hearing from me, but I just wish I knew why he was acting so cold because I feel like I did something wrong or offensive.

 

He just does not want anything to do with you any longer, and has moved on with his life.

 

Guys, what's his deal? And why did being nice end up working against me? I guess it's true what they say..."no good deed goes unpunished."

 

Being nice is not going to change how this man feels. One should not be nice to others and hope that such behavior will bring some sort of a reward. It does not matter if he did something horrible to you in the past. He has no obligation to 'make up' for what he did by being nice to you; that is his choice.

[crazyyetsane]

Thanks guys. I appreciate all the responses. I think it just gets to a certain point after you've been broken up for a while w/ NC, where your feelings for your ex start becoming more of an obsession than an emotion. The funny thing is that I when I walked away from him I felt like I handled it well and had the upper hand, and I thought "hmmm, he's really not as great as I remembered him, and I can see he's over me, but that's okay because maybe I'm over him too." I didn't cry or break down at all.

 

Then slowly over the next couple days I started going over what happened in my head, overthinking, and overanalyzing, and basically just making myself more and more curious. I started rebuilding his image as "the perfect man" in my head, completely forgetting about my lack of feelings for him the day before. Does that ever happen to any of you? It's almost as if your mind is tricking you into staying in love and being miserable. It starts to become less about the other person and more about your feelings. Infatuation maybe. Strange how the mind works.

 

Anyway, I guess what I'm dealing with right now is trying to figure out how I can keep remembering that I don't have feelings for him anymore, without holding on to the image of the man he used to be. I'll let you all know if I come up with any tricks that help, because I'm sure a lot of people here might find them useful. Thanks again!