A Stripper Question

[HOTRODDERS WIFE]

My husband is a mechanic and loves to work on old cars. One of his car buddies is having a party to chop the top on his hotrod. He is going to have a BBQ and a Stripper. I am not thrilled with the whole stripper deal. He does not know I know there will be one there. I have heard many horror stories about partys with strippers. I love him very much and trust him but not sure I can trust that the stripper will not try anything.

 

So should I say anything to him or just try to do my best not to think about it and not let it bother me?

 

Thanks for your help!!

 

~Hotrodders Wife

[wanting to heal]

I am married and uncomfortable around strippers. That is just me.

 

Tell him you heard about the stripper and would love to do this for him. I think he would love it.

[Jlmic1]

PLEASE TAKE MY ADICE ON THIS ONE....

 

Tell him you know and don't let him go. It's not that he would do anything with the stripper persay.. but those parties are BAD NEWS! Those women do nasty things and you know a guy party, guys will be pressuring him into things, and the alcohol will be flowing. That is no place for a married man to be. Not to mention the whole reason for hiring a stripper is for some type of sexual arousal.. and then he's gonna come home and try to get some from you.

 

As not to offend anyone, I know that strip clubs are different than strippers that attnend private parties.. so I'm not trying to lump all strippers into one group.

 

Good Luck

[HOTRODDERS WIFE]

Wanting to heal~

 

Thank you for your quick response. I do things like that in the privacy of our home but the stripper will be at this guys house in his garage!

[HOTRODDERS WIFE]

Originally posted by Jlmic1

PLEASE TAKE MY ADICE ON THIS ONE....

 

Tell him you know and don't let him go. It's not that he would do anything with the stripper persay.. but those parties are BAD NEWS! Those women do nasty things and you know a guy party, guys will be pressuring him into things, and the alcohol will be flowing. That is no place for a married man to be. Not to mention the whole reason for hiring a stripper is for some type of sexual arousal.. and then he's gonna come home and try to get some from you.

 

As not to offend anyone, I know that strip clubs are different than strippers that attnend private parties.. so I'm not trying to lump all strippers into one group.

 

Good Luck

I feel the same way.......

 

But then it will turn in to a huge fight of him telling me I am running his life and he never gets to do what he wants. Then he will throw in you should trust me which I do. I just don't trust everyone else involved!

 

Thanks for your response

[yuv]

Wow, I'd say the exact opposite, Jlmic1.

If you want to make him feel like you don't trust him, by all means, tell him you know and forbid him to go.

This is something that I have seen a number of times. Women seem to think that strippers have magical powers that will steal their husbands, or that offering a few dollars to a woman who is making money on a weekend will suddenly make her want to prostitute herself to some random guy at a bar-b-que at some guy's house.

 

Just because she is a stripper does not mean that she's a prostitute. It does not mean she will take that crisp fifty in your husband's wallet and have sex with him for it. She's one woman at a bar-b-que full of men at some guy's house, not a seedy dancer at a peep show making offers to guys going in and out of the booths!

[UCFKevin]

For every bad story you've heard about a stripper at a party, there are five stories where all that happens is she dances and goes home.

[Jlmic1]

Well... I don't think that strippers have magical powers that take husbands away-

 

I think that a married man doesn't need to be entertanied in that manner by anyone other than his wife. Those type of parties are fine for unattached men, but a married man doesn't need to be in an environment like that.

 

I shoulnd't have said " don't let him go" Let me rephrase that... It's his decision, however, you could say that you would feel disrespected if he went.

[jade_nc]

has the subject ever come up before, as far as strippers or strip clubs, etc?

 

you need to tell him how you feel.....and i would be concerned as to why he didn't come forward with the information himself. to me, that says he already suspects how you're going to feel about it and doesn't want to discuss it with you.

 

regardless of whether or not she just dances and goes home - he should know how you feel and the decision should be made together. maybe you can negotiate the situation instead of it being an all or nothing.

 

everyone has there own opinions of whether or not it's an ok thing for a married person to participate in. however, the only opinions that matter are yours and your husbands. what works for some marriages doesn't work for others.

[Cecelius]

I wouldn't give it much thought, other than to separate it into these two segments:

 

1) Are you bothered by him looking at a naked or scantily clad woman other than you and

 

2) Do you believe he will cheat?

 

The first one, I'm not sure what to say about that. Most women don't care that much about strippers, since they know that the stripper is a pro who doesn't care who the guys are, has no interest in them, etc., and most people recognize that its silly to claim that only they should be the erotic force in their SO's life.

 

If its the second, then frankly you've got bigger issues. He's more likely to cheat with a girl in a bar than one stripper (hired out of the phone book) in a room with a bunch of guys.

[Jlmic1]

Well, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

 

I just know that if my husband went out on a friday night to drink booze with his buddies at a party and slip our hard earned money into some naked dancing girls g-string, I would be EXTREMELY UNHAPPY.

 

It has nothing to do with not trusting, or low self esteem, or jealousy on anyones part. The vows say " Foresaking all others" I take that very seriously.

 

The women at those parties perform sexual acts- sure, maybe they don't go around having actual intercourse, but they DO perform some sexual acts. I don't think that's a secret to anyone.

 

I would never expect any man not to find other women attractive, but purposely going to a place to see a naked woman besides his wife is immoral and just wrong... IMO

[Pocky]

Originally posted by HOTRODDERS WIFE

My husband is a mechanic and loves to work on old cars. One of his car buddies is having a party to chop the top on his hotrod. He is going to have a BBQ and a Stripper. I am not thrilled with the whole stripper deal. He does not know I know there will be one there. I have heard many horror stories about partys with strippers. I love him very much and trust him but not sure I can trust that the stripper will not try anything.

 

So should I say anything to him or just try to do my best not to think about it and not let it bother me?

 

Thanks for your help!!

 

~Hotrodders Wife

 

In my opinion, you should probably say something. If he goes and you become paranoid at what is happening you may do something stupid - like show up or be angry for no reason when he gets home and assault him with twenty questions.

 

Just be honest - tell him you found out that there is going to be a stripper and you wanted him to know that you're concerned.

 

The stripper isn't going to be there for the entire duration of the party - it's possible that your husband may not even be there when she is.

 

Just talk to him - find out how he plans to handle it and don't assume that just because a woman is doing a dance in front of your husband that he's automatically going to do something he shouldn't. It's insulting to the male gender and nothing more than a stereotype.

[HOTRODDERS WIFE]

Thank you for your responses.

 

I do not feel that my husband would cheat on me. I know he loves me very much and would never do that. I just feel that having some stripper rub her boods in his face or her crotch on his leg is a slap in the face to me as his wife. That and not to mention the thought gross's me out

 

It isn't going to happen for a couple of weekends so I think I'm gonna wait and see if he says anything. If he doesn't I will bring it up to him. I'm not going to tell him he cannot go but how I will feel if he does.

 

I am probably blowing this way out of per portion but I have a hard time feeling ok about this whole stripper thing with all the stories I have heard.

[HOTRODDERS WIFE]

Originally posted by Pocky

Just talk to him - find out how he plans to handle it and don't assume that just because a woman is doing a dance in front of your husband that he's automatically going to do something he shouldn't. It's insulting to the male gender and nothing more than a stereotype.

 

Thanks Pocky

 

I don't mean to insult anyone. I was just looking for some advice on how to handle it. I don't want him to think I don't trust him because I do. He has never given me a reason not to. I just don't want to make that big of an issue and it cause problems between us. But on the other hand I have to let him know how I feel one way or another.

[FolderWife]

Honey, you aren't blowing anything out of proportion. I don't want my husband going to a strip club! I don't want my husband anywhere NEAR a chick taking her clothes off. It's disrespectful!

 

I do not feel that my husband would cheat on me. I know he loves me very much and would never do that. I just feel that having some stripper rub her boods in his face or her crotch on his leg is a slap in the face to me as his wife.

 

I totally agree. I know my husband isn't going to have sex with a stripper if he goes to a strip club...or a party where there's a stripper. I don't want MY HUSBAND the man that I MARRIED, and promised MY LIFE AND FEDELITY TO watching another woman doing a dirty dance and taking her clothes off! NO WAY!

 

Further more, if he wants to go so bad, he should be striaght with you.

 

Confront him! Say, "GEORGE!!!! I HEARD THERE'S GOING TO BE A STRIPPER AT THIS PARTY!!! YOU CAN'T GO TO A PARTY WHERE THERE'S GOING TO BE A STRIPPER!!!"

 

Act totally SHOCKED that he would even CONSIDER going to a party where there's a STRIPPER. Act like you think it's totally out of the question. Act like you can't BELIEVE he'd even IMAGINE going where there's a stripper. Make him think he's crazy for thinking such a thing, and him a married man.

 

good golly!

[Pocky]

Originally posted by HOTRODDERS WIFE

Thanks Pocky

 

I don't mean to insult anyone. I was just looking for some advice on how to handle it. I don't want him to think I don't trust him because I do. He has never given me a reason not to. I just don't want to make that big of an issue and it cause problems between us. But on the other hand I have to let him know how I feel one way or another.

 

I don't think you're trying to insult anyone, but the way the conversation is heading, it appears as though the universal opinion should be that men who attend parties with strippers will automatically do something they shouldn't do. And that shouldn't be the standard expectation from all men.

 

Just talk to him - he's your husband. Honestly should always be acceptable.

[HOTRODDERS WIFE]

Originally posted by Pocky

 

 

Just talk to him - he's your husband. Honestly should always be acceptable.

 

You are right. I'm gonna talk to him and tell him how I feel and see what his response is. Who knows he may totally blow me away and say he understands how I feel and will not go!!!!

[Jlmic1]

MONDAY- I just have to say:

 

YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!! I feel exactly the same way- I could not have worded that better myself!!

 

It's good to know that I'm not the only married woman who feels that way.

[yuv]

Chiming in again because I can almost see this situation in my head and how it might run between you and your husband, and I want to tell you how the event will probably play out so you know what you're dealing with.

 

Context is everything. Initially, I wrote a few lines about how dumb it is to throw money away by paying the cover charge, paying for a few lap dances from women who don't even like you but have to pretend to, paying for overpriced drinks, etc, but then deleted it. Because that's a club and this is a barbecue at some guy's house. You could go with your husband to a strip club or go yourself to see what it's all about, but that wouldn't be a good representation, because... it's a barbecue. At some guy's house.

 

UFKevin's statement is truer than you might think. Here's how it runs. She arrives after a while and won't be staying long. The host, if he hasn't agreed to the exact price yet, makes an agreement now. Part of her income may come from tips in the form of - ONE - dollar bills in a g-string. She has a little boombox that she sets up, and then starts her thing. There are guys all around and some don't look sane, some smell bad, some are drunk on cheap beer (and smell like it), and she doesn't really feel as comfortable as she might, say, in her own bedroom. She does a striptease and most of the men will sit in chairs in a circle so she can make the rounds and spend a few seconds pushing her breasts in each one's face, but as with any strip routine in the nation, there's no touching allowed. Oh, she'll make that clear with the host -- if someone touches her inappropriately, she'll be out of there, because she's doing this for money and trust me, she hates that she has to, but what else brings so much cash (that she'll leave off of her tax forms) in such little time. More than likely she'll take off every last stitch of clothing (you likely know this but I'll say that anyway). That's where the barbecue scenario would end.

 

If this were at a hotel with private space, she might have a friend or two (strength in numbers) so she feels safer, and at this point she might offer private dances for $20. Under those circumstances, she'd take a guy into another room and explain ground rules. No touching or everything stops. Some bolder guys and undercover cops will offer more for more things that involve sexual contact, and they're either told "no," or she'd accept. This is prostitution, it usually happens in an escort service context, it's a crime of course, and it's not as common as some probably think. (All it takes is one police officer to give her a record, and everywhere she goes, she'll have to put a "yes" under "ever been convicted of a crime?" unless she puts "no" and wants to get fired when they run a background check.)

 

But let's get back to this barbecue. You can be sure right there that it's going to be a lot less wild than the movies might portray something like this -- it's not going to be like the film "Very Bad Things."

 

Tell your husband that you know about it, be overly nice because the second those words come out of your mouth he'll go into Defense Mode and think you have no clue what happens (if you didn't before, I hope this helped). If someone passed a joint at the party, you might expect him to keep passing it and not partake, so try this -- perhaps when the guys circle up in the chairs, he can simply not partake. He can remain standing for whatever reason. He can be the grill man, or leave when that moment arrives, or simply just flash his wedding band and say 'no thanks' when the guys tease him a little bit. There are simple ways to avoid contact, he knows it, and (now) you do too. Good luck, and please don't let this drive any sort of wedge between you, because it just does not rise to the occasion of something to be concerned about once you voice your concerns. It sounds like your husband will respect those concerns, and choose not to participate in the "everyone sit and now she presses her boobs into each guy's chest" part.

[yuv]

And a BTW.

To get a sense of what some posters might think of men, read their past posts.

This might be a good idea for those who suggest that you flip out and act totally shocked.

[binturong]

Funny, because I trust my husband 100% and if he wanted to go to a party where there'd be a stripper, that'd be fine with me. Because I trust him. It's not a matter of trusting anyone else: the stripper, his friends, etc. It's a matter of trusting HIM. Do you trust him enough to know that even if he gets drunk, he won't do anything? Do you trust him enough to know that if there is peer pressure, he won't succumb to it? Do you trust him to not do anything he knows you wouldn't approve of? I wouldn't like it if he wanted to do something like this on a regular basis, but every once in a while? Sure, why not?

 

I like to go out clubbing with my girl friends. He trusts that even if I drink, I won't make out with a random guy. He trusts that I'm not going to be grinding on some stranger. He even is the designated driver sometimes, so that we can all go out, drink, have a good time, and not worry about getting home. Again, not something I do a lot, but it is something that I like to do every so often. If he were to tell me I couldn't have my girls' night out, I'd be pissed off. Just like he'd be pissed off if I told him that he couldn't party with his friends.

 

If you say you trust him, you REALLY NEED TO TRUST HIM.

 

P.S. He went to a bachelor party once that involved a stripper in an apartment and a strip club visit afterwards. Yeah, he came home and was horny. Far be it for me to complain, since I enjoy sex with him and I was happy to know that even if it did turn him on, at least he came home to me.

[TUDOR]

What happen to innocent until proving guilty? Say your peace to him about your concerns and then give the guy the chance to do the right thing.

[HOTRODDERS WIFE]

Originally posted by TUDOR

What happen to innocent until proving guilty? Say your peace to him about your concerns and then give the guy the chance to do the right thing.

 

Your right! And I feel strongly that he will. But I can't help to feel the sick at your stomach feeling. Because it just gross's me out. And yes I realize that is my personal issue!

 

 

 

binturong~

 

I see were you are coming from and I would feel the same way if he told me I couldn't go out with my friends. I do trust him and I will until he gives me a reason not to.

 

Thanks everyone!!!!! This has been a huge help.

[New_Wife]

New here - pls bear with me. One thing that came up with me and my man was the fact that I was not comfortable with the idea of some other woman grinding on him in a sexual fashion either. I didn't particularly care if he went to a strip club and dropped a few bucks in a cute girls drawers, but that intimate contact felt wrong to me.

 

I asked him how he would feel if I were grinding up on some other guy - and he definitely didn't like that image. I explained that to me - the idea of some other woman sharing the same intimacy with him that I do just didn't work. I think it helped him understand where I was coming from to flip the script & try to picture me giving the lap dance.

 

Anyway - he respected my feelings and I respected his right to go be stupid with his friends and drink a lot of beer and make dumb noises at girls and it all worked out. I hope yours does too!

[rble618740]

I think one the main difference between the posters who are saying, "trust him not to do anything wrong" and the ones who are saying, "you should ask him not to go" is that the former group does not consider watching a striptease "wrong," the latter does. I think whether viewing a striptease is "wrong" is to be established by the couple. You can't control your husband, you can just let him know the impact his actions have on you.

 

On the issue of this stripper being at a friend's house, versus in a strip bar, I think there's a difference. I am imagining my husband walking into our home to find me sitting in a chair with a naked man rubbing himself on me - and I think he wouldn't be very happy. Does adding 5 other women who will engage in the same conduct make it alright?

 

I talked to my husband once after he had gone to a batchelor party (for one of his friends) where he (and most of the other attendees, married or single) received a lap dance. I was REALLY disappointed about it. I gave it some time until I felt I could talk with him calmly and logically (and not get overly emotional or upset). I presented the scenario about me and another man in our living room, to give my husband a hint of how I had felt. Then I, very matter-of-factly told him that he was a grown man and I would not tell him where he could go or what he could do. However, I wanted him to know that I cherished and valued the intimacy that we shared as husband and wife, and that it bothered me to think of someone else touching him in some of the same ways for a couple of dollars. I also told him that I felt disrespected and dishonored. The entire conversation was very low key and lasted five minutes, tops.

 

It just so happened that a few weeks later, another batchelor party rolled around. My husband told me he was going and I didn't overreact, or grill him about it. The day of the batchelor party I heard my husband on the phone making plans. He was in the other room but I could hear him say, "A stripper? I didn' t know there was going to be a stripper. I'm married, man, and have you seen my wife? I don't need to spend time with a stripper. I'll catch up with you guys when she leaves and you head out to the bar." I never told my husband I heard the conversation and he never told me about the conversation. He didn't leave the house that night, because we were doing what he wouldn't have been able to do with a stripper. He was happy to call his friends the next day and apologize for missing their calls to come to the bar. I don't keep him from going out, but I think it's all in your approach on these things.