What is going on?

[manfromthesouth]

Hi guys, nice forum.

 

First post here. Sorry if I ramble but my head's in a spin at the moment. I'm hoping that this post might encourage some readers to offer advice but I also expect to to kind of write myself into the truth as I type this.

 

I'm a recovering alcoholic/addict who met a girl in AA three months or so ago. Both of us are stable in recovery.

She was quick to ask me out for a coffee and so we went out and chatted for a while. All went well.

 

Over the last two months we've been seeing each other pretty much every day and, you've guessed it, I'm kind of falling for her in a...more than slightly big way.

 

There are (of course) many complications.

 

In the beginning it was her who did all the first texting, first asking to go for coffee (she always pays and I must insist I do to even have a chance), etc, still is, and I explained to her that I wasn't working at the moment (although I run a business) and so I was struggling financially but that I wanted to ensure I was doing well enough in recovery before going back to work full time. She had surgery in January and so is off work at the moment also.

 

She started to bring me bags into AA meetings containing food and toiletries and so on, which was a great help and she was proving to be a very good friend, only she continues to do this and I had began to feel a little awkward at being seen accepting her 'charity' in meetings by other punters.

 

This past week I've decided that I can't take it much more.

 

I was listening to her talking in a meeting on Sunday and this is when I noticed that I was feeling something for her. It hasn't been the same since.

 

On Monday she asked if I was going to a meeting in the evening. I said that I was and then opted to back out at the last minute. She got a lift from someone else and I ended up going, but arrived late. At the interval she came straight over to me and began saying that she thought I was going to be a 'no show', eyes all lit up, etc, and had another little bag of goodies waiting for me.

 

Yesterday I mentioned to her that I was thinking about not going to the daytime meetings where we met and go to twice a week anymore as they were getting too busy but she persuaded me (it would be really sad if you weren't there/I don't think they're getting too busy, and so on) and so I went.

 

Last night we went to another meeting at her suggestion (sometimes I wonder if I'm going to all these meetings for my recovery or simply so that I might spend more time with her) and then she invited me up for coffee and we chatted until late although nothing happened.

 

Today we, as part of a group of eight, went bowling and everything was okay. Afterwards the two of us plus one other guy who is good friends with her but who I hardly know, went for coffee. She seemed to totally blank me and the two of them talked as I sort of 'fifth wheel' listened. Then, when he dropped us off at hers, she seemed to be fine being close again. It was strange.

 

She has suggested a mindfulness course that starts tomorrow and that we should go. Then we're taking a trip to a meeting further away. More time to talk in the car?

 

Tonight she was asking what I was doing but I am busy doing something she can't attend. She texts that she'll be thinking of me tonight while I am doing it and that she really hopes that I have fun.

 

I don't have problems with female friends usually but this time it's different. She's gotten into my head too much.

 

Maybe I just read too much into what she says and does.

 

Baking cakes for a group meeting but baking a different one especially for me? Maybe she's just being nice.

 

Texting at night things like 'been thinking about you,' 'was thinking a lot on what we talked about last night.' Doesn't mean anything, right?

 

The dreaded 'you're such a lovely guy' probably doesn't bode too well for me and she's said this a few times now but only in text.

 

I'm not her and so I have no idea how she feels or what she thinks.

 

The whopper? She has a boyfriend but she is unhappy and doesn't see him much now at all. She isn't even sure if they are still together I overheard her say at bowling today. Last week she told me that there was no intimacy between them at all. I cared little for that comment when I first heard it but smile to myself about it now.

 

Here's what I've decided to do:

 

Go to the mindfulness course with her tomorrow and the AA meeting later on (I'm driving and have already agreed) - grind through them both - and then, when I'm dropping her off I'm sure that she'll say 'So, I'll see you at the meeting tomorrow morning?'

 

This is where I will tell her that, no, she won't. I'll tell her how I've been feeling about her this past week and that I've decided to take a break from meetings that I think she will be at for a week or so until I can clear my head a little as I don't want to lose our friendship. That hopefully these feelings are just silly and will pass over quite quickly. Then I'll see her at a meeting again the week after next. If I feel up for it.

 

I really don't want to lose her friendship so this may be quite an embarrassing conversation for both of us.

 

The truth is that I do need a break from all of this.

 

Good God, I don't half ramble, eh?

 

Thanks for listening.

[Thejerrybest]

First off, I am happy to hear are going down the right path, correcting your issues, going to AA, and then going after a career. I wish you the best of luck!

 

I was thinking the entire time, man she is really really into you, until the kicker.....the BF. Seems to be a lot of people on these forums catch this situation. The thinks she says to you and the amount of time she spends talking/texting with you indicate she is into at some level. I recently fell for a best friend that I had for awhile, and what made me see thinks changed on her end from me being a friend to me being someone she romantically loved was the "I am thinking of you" type text messages which increased overtime.

 

So here is what I think, mind you I am no expert and sought alot of advice on here when dealing with my recent situation. I think she is really into you, she has feelings for you and she might be looking for an option as she is thinking of breaking up or ending her situation with her current BF.

 

Does she specifically tell you she is having problems with her BF, she is not happy, etc? What exactly does she say, I feel this is important. How often have you been hanging out with her recently?

 

I think the next step is to increase time hanging out with her and see how that goes. Also don't be afraid to probe into her situation with her BF once she starts talking to you about it.

[manfromthesouth]

 

Does she specifically tell you she is having problems with her BF, she is not happy, etc? What exactly does she say, I feel this is important. How often have you been hanging out with her recently?

 

I think the next step is to increase time hanging out with her and see how that goes. Also don't be afraid to probe into her situation with her BF once she starts talking to you about it.

 

Hey, Thejerrybest.

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

How often we've been hanging out this past week goes something like this:

 

Thursday - met her at 'restoration' (another recovery-based thing, more sociable than AA) as is the norm on this day before walking with her up to the meeting in the evening and then drove back to hers for coffee afterwards.

 

Friday - The usual AA meeting in the morning when she brought me another 'charity bag.'

 

Saturday - Drove her and two others to meeting in afternoon. We all went for coffee before the meeting started.

 

Sunday - Drove the same three guys to meeting in the afternoon.

 

Monday - This was when I decided to bump the meeting but ended up going anyway, to another 'charity bag.' I told her that night that I wouldn't be going to the Tuesday meetings anymore as they were too busy now. She 'texted' me out of that idea.

 

Tuesday - Saw her at meeting during afternoon where my special cake was presented. We went for coffee afterwards until I had to leave to pick up my employees. Then we went to yet ANOTHER meeting in the evening and ended up at her flat afterwards talking for an hour or so.

 

Today - Bowling with the restoration and then off for coffee with her and another guy she knows but I don't so much. He drove us back to hers and then drove off while she showed me through her CD collection until I had to leave.

 

Tomorrow she is to be contacting me to let me know if I am allocated the vacant mindfulness course space and if so we'll be going there before restoration activities with the others in the group and then her and I are driving to an evening meeting an hour's drive away.

 

There's an 'every day' pattern emerging.

 

On Tuesday during coffee (which she refused to let me pay for, as always, which can become annoying over time) she was talking to me (confiding - in the friendzone?) about how she's often unhappy at the moment. I asked her what was the main thing causing her unhappiness. She began thinking about it. I said not to think about it - just mention the first thing that popped into her head. She mentioned her 'relationship' as the biggest problem, saying that she missed her best opportunity to finish with him last weekend. I (very stupidly) didn't pry.

 

Last Wednesday we were driving back home (yes - from ANOTHER meeting) and she began talking about him. She had been struggling with something and he walked out on her the weekend before. She says that most days they only spend ten minutes or so together but now they barely see each other.

 

She was speaking to a friend earlier in the day and had been asked about how she was getting on with this guy as I was listening in the background. She said not good. That it just isn't going like it should be going. That she was considering ending it. That they both want different things.

 

In the car she said to me, 'I don't know why I'm telling you this, but there's no intimacy there either. He's kinda cold. I asked him if he still found me to be attractive. He said nothing.'

 

Unfortunately, neither did I.

 

Everything points to the boyfriend and her ending soon. Everything points to her interest in me.

 

But there's a reason I have felt the need to post about it here.

 

I don't know for sure how she feels.

 

Surely she would have sent a clear message by now.

 

But thanks again, Thejerrybest.

 

You've given me something to think about and I shall go look for your thread.

 

Thanks

[Thejerrybest]

There definitely is an everyday pattern emerging and it seems somewhat clear she is the one making sure she sees you everyday.

 

She isn't into her BF based on what you have heard and what she has said. In someways I almost feel she might be intentionally letting you in on the issues with her BF and I think she plans on ending it soon. It does not seem like there is anything there between them.

 

Do you text her things back like "missing you" "I was thinking of you tonight" etc? If so what does she say back? If not, start doing that.

 

You can stay the course, continue to see her everyday, talk to her, text, flirt with her and just show her you appreciated her being around as a friend and in your life. You could even tell her how you feel, it might seem risky since you haven't gotten a clear message from her, but to me at least it seems like there is positive vibes there.

 

You are in the process of getting your act together and I like the direction you are going in. Continue that and really work towards getting a career back and putting much effort into. Make it clear to her you are going in the right direction.

 

I also think you should try to plan a dinner or night out with her, that doesn't involve anything to do with AA or any classes you are taking. See how it goes and if you really feel things are right, tell her how you feel.

[manfromthesouth]

There definitely is an everyday pattern emerging and it seems somewhat clear she is the one making sure she sees you everyday.

 

My god, I must be worse at this than I thought.

 

After the mindfulness class she tells me that she won't be seeing me for the next couple of days as she's going away.

 

I already knew this from overhearing her talking with a friend a few days before. She's going to a show with her boyfriend. Nightmare!!!

 

She texts later that night to tell me that she is glad I agreed to go on the course with her, that it was good to have some 'eye candy' in the room for a change. Then she is off to the show for two days.

 

Yesterday she is is first to contact me and asks if I could give her a lift to the AA meeting this afternoon and I just dropped her off home ten minutes ago after spending most of the day with her.

 

I'm not really sure what's happening anymore.

 

Do you text her things back like "missing you" "I was thinking of you tonight" etc? If so what does she say back? If not, start doing that.

 

 

I did try this out over the weekend and she responded as I might have hoped, 'was just thinking of your good self there,' 'I really missed you too,' etc. I'm nipping out this evening but will be back late and so may try this again when I get home.

 

All seems good and well to me except for the matter of that ****in' boyfriend who wasn't mentioned at all over the five hours I was with her today.

 

Oh well.

 

Still a work in progress. . .

[Jeff28]

Thanks for commenting on my thread....just read through your situation.

 

We have some similarities.......its a close friend we have fallen for......they talk to us or hang out with us daily.......they aren't happy with their current BF...........they show us both love but whether its love for a friend or something more isn't so obvious.

 

I feel in your case there is some reason to make me thing she has feelings for you. Some of the stuff she texts you & her behavior suggests it.

 

Like you my situation is weighing heavily on me! In my case though I think its fairly clear she just loves me as her BFF. The hard part is these feelings I developed.....the fact I really can't tell her......and seeing or talking to her all the time.

 

Just curious have you tried to plan a night out? Grab a nice dinner, catch a movie and just see where things take you?

[Highlow]

Hey man, your thread just stuck to me a little since I was in this kind of situation about 4 years ago.

 

I had just changed gyms I was going to and started these fitness classes. There was a girl that was a few years younger than me that started talking to me after one class. I was 23 at the time and she was 20. We exchanged numbers and started texted after these classes. It got to a point where I would pick her up since she was on the way to the gym and if I missed a class she'd go on about how the class sucked because I wasn't there, she was thinking of me because she didn't see me.

 

She had a boyfriend at the time but she complained alot about him. Said he took her for granted, was cold, etc.

 

She was very attractive and so nice to me. So I liked her and felt she liked me back. I finally just one day really got to asking her what the deal is with her boyfriend. I was bold and said something like "hey if things don't work out I'm here for you". Not sure if that was the clincher but a week later she broke up with him. Two weeks later we were dating.

 

We dated for a year. We both sadly moved to different states and things fell apart. I had to move for a graduate program and she moved shortly after I did for a college program.

 

Not sure if you want to be bold on this but might not hurt to throw in a line like I did one day.

 

Good luck!

Edited June 24, 2015 by Highlow

[preraph]

I think you need to talk to your AA sponsor and have them explain why the rule is in place not to get into relationships in the first year of AA. There's very good reasons for it. It's natural for your emotions to be all over the place. Sobriety is like taking off a layer of skin for the first time and you can be all over the place emotionally. So talk to your sponsor about this first. If she's your sponsor, then tell her you need another sponsor! If you stay sober you will have some developmental catching up to do over the next few years but it's especially accelerated and confusing in the first year or two. Basically, your maturity was put on hold during your addiction, so you need to equalize and get your mental age and maturity up to your physical age before diving into relationships.

 

This is what AA is for. You can tell them anything and they will not judge. Sponsor is there to help you over hurdles. This is a hurdle. You can't do this without jeopardizing both your sobriety. So don't. But talk it out with an AA leader or sponsor. Good luck. Congrats on getting this far!