elaine567 Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 The men that will remain perpetually single simply don't have what it takes to generate a spark with any woman. If it's not there, it's not there. He can look great on paper, seemingly have it all and be a good catch, but it he can't generate the raw emotion that creates chemistry he's going to be single forever and he has to accept that. Defeatist attitudes never create sparks ... Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 V44 I hate to say it but this post has an underlying hint of anger and frustration... I suspect that is your problem rather than anything else. That frustration can come across as anger... Anger is dangerous... Women run from danger... There are not all the "many options" for women that you are talking about. However she will have many idiots, players and blokes that are cheeky enough to give it a go try. These cheeky blokes and players succeed for the pure reason that they try. Imagine all the boys on one side of the room and all the girls on the other. Stands to reason that the bloke that crosses the room will have a better chance than the ones that don't... I think a degree of frustration is justified, anger not so much, anger is of no benefit to anyone at all. It tends to take away the rational mind and I don't know of any good thing which was done by a person while angry. Personally I do agree that some people no matter how nice never really have chemistry. At the end of the day both males and females set their benchmark and if you don't make that benchmark then rejection is the result, it would be useful for both if there was more transparency though. Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Defeatist attitudes never create sparks ... I'd agree there but sometimes its very difficult to find the positive in a situation. Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 I don't know your age but some give up too quickly. I'm 44 and have never generated the chemistry. It's not looking so good for me. Lightning may strike but it'll take that. If you are in your 20s or even into your 30s you have a lot of time. I am early 30s but have literally had no success to speak of with females, I have yet to be kissed. Like a duck I try let the rejection water roll off my back but the at the moment I am really not interested in trying anymore with females, if one approaches me and we get on well great but beyond that I am finished actually trying. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Heh, looks like our hydra, this morning known as v44, loved this thread so some posts were deleted. I left some hanging quotes since the responses were valid and conforming to the topic, tangentially anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
MGX Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Perhaps everything will be better when guys stop taking rejection to heart and learn to let it go as one of those things. I fully expect to be rejected several times a day. Every day. That is why I take breaks. To keep my self fresh and happy and remembering that rejection is not personal. It is just one of those things. I get rejected FAR more than I reject in general. Both in every day life and with on line dating. I am picky about who I start talking to because I am looking for something serious not just a wham bam. I look for signs that a chap is also looking for something similar in his profile. I look for men who are active and self sufficient. Men with morals. If I can't see any of that in evidence then I don't respond. Rejection is just a part of life. It really is that simple. Being rejected romantically is no different than being rejected for a job etc... Guys need some wins first. Alot of these guys are no wins and all losses. They have to actually attract the opposite sex. Experience and confidence has to start from somewhere. Unfortunately, some guys aren't even reaching THAT point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 It's pretty easy to armchair quarterback and tell some one they need to change their attitude when all they have ever experienced is rejection, failure, and loss. Success breeds confidence, and confidence breeds success. But if you never have the success it's difficult to create confidence, and you are stuck at the starting line. people toss around the word confidence like it's in aisle 4 at Walmart. Not really that simple in a psychologically complex shift in attitude. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dangerbang Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 (edited) I fully expect to be rejected several times a day. Every day. Are you counting someone not responding to a message on a dating site as rejection? That doesn't really count Toodaloo! I think everyone expects that. For every 5 or 6 I would send I might get one response. And I'm a man! I'm taking a break from it after my short foray into it. It's a tough old game and you need thick skin, I think I'm a bit too fragile at the moment! Edited June 18, 2015 by dangerbang Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Guys need some wins first. Alot of these guys are no wins and all losses. They have to actually attract the opposite sex. Experience and confidence has to start from somewhere. Unfortunately, some guys aren't even reaching THAT point. This in my opinion is SO true! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 I was thinking about online dating and stuff like that recently, just random thoughts. With so many options with meeting people online, Women seem to be having their cake and eating it too...according to a lot of disgruntled male posters. Is there truth to this? With all the options have women gone into a "hyper selection" mode? Meaning there is no room for even one mistake? Have people in general stopped giving second chances, preferring to just go onto the next? Ladies: Have you ever rejected a guy prematurely and then deeply regreted it later? Oh, it's not just women, it's men. Both genders OVER filter for sure and limit their dating opportunities from the get go sometimes. I used to "give a little" on a first date. Allow for nervousness, awkwardness. If things weren't quite on, and he asked me for another date, I'd go. Sometimes, I would make a faux paux too and say "boy, I screwed this one up". If it was some kind of blatant disrespectful behavior or something significant for you, of course, I'd move on fast. But if he was being respectful, not overtly sexual, and just a little awkward and he asked me again, I'd go. I'd usually give it at least two dates. I see this on these boards often -- a woman goes out with a guy and he says one little unclear statement or just worded something wrong and she's not really sure about what he mean't, they don't dig a little deeper, they just sit there like a deer in the headlights. They go home and start making assumptions. Talk to the person you're dating. Ask questions, get clarity. This can be done in a non-pressuring, non-confrontational, casual conversation. Instead of going home and thinking "I didn't know what he mean't by that but I was scared to ask him. Really? You're two adults engaging in a conversation intended to allow you to get to know each other. That involves asking questions and a mutual exchange of information. If you can't think on your feet and get "blindsided" by something someone says to the point of being "paralyzed", you need to work on your social skills. The first couple of dates is for a) having fun b) finding out if you're on the same page in terms of dating goals and c) actually coming away with something a little more concrete as to whether or not you want to continue. Not a collection of "blips", faux paux, and assumptions/notions. They start focusing on every little negative and overlooking some possible real positives. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 In addition to applauding the wisdom of the prior post, I can reflect that, at the time I was getting rejected a lot for first dates, I may have generalized that women were too picky and rejecting men right and left but the truth of the matter was they were simply rejecting me. The single ones were single for only a brief period and the married ones generally only until they moved domiciles. They weren't rejecting men too often, rather myself. Any generalities I may have projected from those experiences were baseless. However, it did feel good to generalize at the time Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 And, another thing that happens, is you have a date scheduled, you're excited and you start fantasizing and idealizing the person, projecting what it could be like, what you want it to be, and when the person doesn't live up to that fantasy, you're almost immediately disappointed and become tuned out. These are real people. Not Snow White or Prince Charming. I think this happens a lot from OLD. You have a picture or vision in your head before you get down to the real person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cessna Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 For starters I absolutely hate terms such as 'spark' and 'chemistry'... What a load of nonsense. To answer the question, from my experiences, yes. I have a good friend who is into the PUA thing and I often tell him about my (mis)adventures with women. He will always be quick to say 'oh you blew it when you text her twice in a row' or 'you came across as needy when you replied too quickly'... I mean if that is true how on earth is any bloke meant to get a date? If such a tiny non issue is enough for a woman to vanish and never be heard from again... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 I have a good friend who is into the PUA thing and I often tell him about my (mis)adventures with women. He will always be quick to say 'oh you blew it when you text her twice in a row' or 'you came across as needy when you replied too quickly'... I mean if that is true how on earth is any bloke meant to get a date? If such a tiny non issue is enough for a woman to vanish and never be heard from again... Untrue. If she liked-liked you she will be thrilled that you double text. Men have to stop thinking that winning a woman is about having the right recipe. It's not ! You meet her, if you both feel it, than there isn't much you can do to turn her off. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 In addition to applauding the wisdom of the prior post, I can reflect that, at the time I was getting rejected a lot for first dates, I may have generalized that women were too picky and rejecting men right and left but the truth of the matter was they were simply rejecting me. The single ones were single for only a brief period and the married ones generally only until they moved domiciles. They weren't rejecting men too often, rather myself. Any generalities I may have projected from those experiences were baseless. However, it did feel good to generalize at the time Rejection is too harsh a word for deciding not to date someone after a couple of dates. Don't view it as rejection. They simply weren't the one(s). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 I am known for giving 1 - 2 - 3 chances and it never amount to nothing. Example: I had a 1st meet this afternoon. Out of the blue the man started telling me how he was an expert at finding the G spot. I said to him: no no no, NO talk about sex, I disqualify anyone talking sex on a first meet. He said ok sorry but 2 minutes later he's back at talking G spot and clitoris. Am I too quick to dismiss him you think? Ok this story is perfect for this thread. This man contacted me last night and this morning so I had to gently reject him. I did it with a lot of kindness but I was clear and left no room for misinterpretation. His reaction? He asked me if he had done or said something negative because he wants to better himself for next time. See I know what he did wrong with me but it doesn't mean another woman would have been turned off by it or as much turned off as I was. Another woman could see it as something wonderful that he talks about g-spots on a first date lol. There is no recipe, there is no procedure, there is no step by step guide lines that will have you win a woman. Yes it's all about attraction, you both have it, or you don't. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Ok this story is perfect for this thread. This man contacted me last night and this morning so I had to gently reject him. I did it with a lot of kindness but I was clear and left no room for misinterpretation. His reaction? He asked me if he had done or said something negative because he wants to better himself for next time. Oh dear, I feel really sorry for him now... Can't you just go out with him for at least one date? Link to post Share on other sites
dangerbang Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 I had a great date with someone a week ago, great kissing at the end before I put her in a cab. I heard from her on Sunday saying could we hold off on a 2nd date for a while if that's ok with me, as her dad died a few weeks ago (I was aware of this before I met her), and it's hitting home at the moment. She said she'd be in touch. We really had a great date, I had her laughing her head off all night and we've many similar interests. I thought I'd hear from her in the next week or two but reading this thread I'm starting to think otherwise! I also saw her online a couple of times on the dating site we used. I'm no longer logging in as of yesterday but this doesn't look promising huh! I would have preferred an out and out rejection rather than that kind of on the fence answer. Although maybe it's genuine, we shall see. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Oh dear, I feel really sorry for him now... Can't you just go out with him for at least one date? Really? lol He's been un-employed since January. He is not officially divorced yet His ex is present to every visit he does with his daughter and the kid is 17. Ex still hopes he will get back to her. His credit is down the drain since separation. He told me all that on our first meeting. Link to post Share on other sites
dangerbang Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Really? lol He's been un-employed since January. He is not officially divorced yet His ex is present to every visit he does with his daughter and the kid is 17. Ex still hopes he will get back to her. His credit is down the drain since separation. He told me all that on our first meeting. I bet you were sliding off the chair... Link to post Share on other sites
empresario Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Really? lol He's been un-employed since January. He is not officially divorced yet His ex is present to every visit he does with his daughter and the kid is 17. Ex still hopes he will get back to her. His credit is down the drain since separation. He told me all that on our first meeting. Sounds like he needed someone to vent to rather than go on a date. Tell him therapists may be more expensive...but they at least won't judge him. Either way there won't be sex at the end of the session. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmartDude Posted June 18, 2015 Author Share Posted June 18, 2015 I see this on these boards often -- a woman goes out with a guy and he says one little unclear statement or just worded something wrong and she's not really sure about what he mean't, they don't dig a little deeper, they just sit there like a deer in the headlights. They go home and start making assumptions. Yes, this is what I was trying to get at when I asked about women feeling they have rejected a guy prematurely.. Women have great intuition except when it comes to dating:) They will think about the smallest detail, then ask their girlfriends what it all means. If it gets to the point were she has to ask her girlfriends, its over hehe. I don't think I am getting honest responses from some of the women on this particular question. Yes, I know that there are rejections that make sense. Im not talking about those. I am talking about rejecting a guy for something that you thought was 100% reality, only to find out later that you were wrong about a guy...and regreted rejecting him, perhaps when meeting again later in life or something. I was rejected once because I had spots on my carpet from the previous tenants pet. Never rejected for stepping on the cracks in the sidewalk instead of stepping over them...Not yet, but anything is possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 I bet you were sliding off the chair... You bet ! Bless the man for being honest and transparent but are those things you tell on a first meet? Am I shallow for passing this one? So yes modern women do reject men quite a bit but we don't do it for fun and for no reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
dangerbang Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 You bet ! Bless the man for being honest and transparent but are those things you tell on a first meet? Am I shallow for passing this one? So yes modern women do reject men quite a bit but we don't do it for fun and for no reasons. The guy sounds like a train wreck. You can do better than that I hope 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Are you counting someone not responding to a message on a dating site as rejection? That doesn't really count Toodaloo! I think everyone expects that. For every 5 or 6 I would send I might get one response. And I'm a man! I'm taking a break from it after my short foray into it. It's a tough old game and you need thick skin, I think I'm a bit too fragile at the moment! Well you are getting better odds than I am from the messages I send out... I talk to lots of men in day to day life. At the moment the only takers have wives already... not my cup of tea!!! If you are fragile DO NOT DO IT. It will only damage you! Also that girl you went on the date with... TALK to her. Good old fashioned talking. Say you have seen something you thought she would like, say you are thinking of her and you would like to see her again. But keep talking to her. When I say rejection I am talking about someone saying in whatever form "I do not want to go out with you". It could be they have a wife, they don't fancy me... It could be anything. I do not count messages that have not been responded to. Link to post Share on other sites
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