Bf wants to breakup but unsure... what should I do?

[lovesick123]

Hello everyone. This is my first post, and I am currently feeling quite heart broken. My bf and I have been dating for 8 months now. We stay 8 hours away from each other. We see each other at least once or twice a month. Everything is great in person, but distance has truly torn our relationship apart over time. In person, he takes me out, we spend all of our time together and really enjoy each other's company. His mom even called me her future daughter in law while I was down there the last time as she introduced me to people at their church. Both his parents and brother love me. He has expressed wanting to marry me, but now he claims he doesn't know.

 

At one point he was working two jobs and going to school full time. The amount of time we talked began to wither away. I began to ask for more time, and then I proposed a mutual breakup where we got together in the future once he was able to devote time to a relationship. After this, he quit one of his jobs and made an effort to talk to me a bit more, but not much. I wasn't completely happy. He told me, "You're not a priority right now. You just need to accept that." That along with other things made me question his love for me. So, I broke up with him. He really rocked our foundation by making me feel like he didnt care with all of the proposed breaks.

 

He has asked for at least three or four breaks in the last couple of months. Each time he took a break, I never agreed with it. I didn't understand the purpose, especially in a long distance relationship. After a disagreement, he would say something mean like, "I don't even know why I deal with you." Or "I don't even know why I'm in this relationship." And one that really hurt was when he said, "I just want to take a step back from this whole relationship." Everytime he would say something like that, he would call a break, which I consider a break a breakup especially when there's no purpose and it ends on mean terms beforehand.

 

However, when I would breakup he would be in complete panick mode and call and text my phone constantly. The last time I broke up with him, I was done, because he had called another break from the relationship. Then he drove to 8 hours to my house. He begged for me to come back. I took him back.

 

After that, I went down there where he stays for a week. We had a good time. He was still hurt by the breakup, but he got over it. We were good. Now, he is suggesting being friends at one moment, saying he wants out the next, and saying he loves me the next minute. He has been calling me everyday, but once I realized he was trying to string me along and that we were just on another break, I just stopped answering the phone. I feel like he is playing with my feelings at this point. So, I'll let him deal with that on his own. He said he is training for his new job and is still hurt and wants to commit to me fully in about a week and talk things out. I can't keep putting my feelings out there to be hurt again. It's getting old. He said he doesn't want to go right back to doing what we were doing previously.

 

What do you guys think? This a rather short version. If you have any clarifying questions, please ask. I look forward to hearing your feedback.

[spiderowl]

I think the guy always wants what he can't have. He wants a break when he thinks he isn't having one, then he wants you when he thinks you have dumped him. I don't think he'll change and you will always be in the position of having the rug pulled out from under your feet. This guy is either very indecisive or he actually enjoys destablising you to see how you react.

 

Honestly, what can you gain from being in a relationship with a guy like this?

[twoneighty]

He probably wanted a break every time he felt he had a prospective hookup. Have you asked him if he was faithful during your breaks? He will probably justify it in his head pretty easily since you weren't "dating". I've seen this happen before, he is stringing you along as a backup and he is using you. He is selfish. Move on.

[lovesick123]

Yea I'm starting to realize how selfish he is too. I'm not sure if he is feeling the pressure to marry and has to sort through his thoughts. At the beginning, he just knew he wants to marry me. He even wanted to get married over the summer, but I told him I wasn't ready. He seems more confused than anything. He says he doesn't want us to hop right back into the same relationship and make the same mistake we did before. He says he wants to do it the right way. However, he wanted a few days. I don't really understand what all that meant. At the moment, I'm just going to give him a deadline by Monday. He says he is wondering if I will leave him if we were married. I told him I felt like he ran away everytime things got tuff. So, I wasn't able to throughly trust him either. He claims he hasn't hooked up with anyone, but who knows? He says he wants to be better for me and has done everything I wanted him to do that I was frustrated about previously. He says some days he wakes up and it feels worth it and other days he isn't sure. So, im super confused. I will definitely stop talking to him after Monday to protect my own feelings and start to heal for myself. Howvever, I'm trying not to rock the boat as much now amd just see where he takes it. I've asked questions and he repeatedly tells me he doesn't want anyone else and he doesn't want to go anywhere, but that he was still a bit wounded emotionally and wanted to take a moment to see where we messed things up.

[mystikmind2005]

Emotions have their ups and downs and all kinds of other things going here and there and its all so transient. It is not a very reliable foundation to build a relationship upon.

 

That is why they invented a thing called commitment - and this is what you hold on too, especially during those times when emotions take a dive.

 

unfortunately way too many people just don't get it, they all prefer to knee jerk this way and that chasing after the whim of their emotions and this guy sounds like one of them, dump him.

[d0nnivain]

There's nothing worth hanging onto. He's not as committed to this as you are. Not everybody can handle an LDR; he is one who can't.

 

 

Let it go. Find somebody more local

[lovesick123]

Thanks you guys. As you all know, letting go is hard to do. Unfortunately, he has been asking for breaks almost everytime our relationship got difficult. Like I said, we are inseparable in person, but in distance...it's been quite distant at times. I've felt like I've had to beg for his time at times. He even still justifies the breaks as if he did nothing wrong by saying things like, "I just really got tired of you." I can't play these games. I think he just felt a blow to his ego when I wasn't stupid enough to do those breaks and considered them breakups. I've never cheated and I've been faithful throughout.

But he has gone from saying we will do this and that in the future to saying things like, "We will see." And "let's take it one step at a time." I've been talking to him still, but he still tries to act like we are together even though he broke up with me. I told him I couldn't be friends. I think he just wants to hold on to me while he has his freedom. I'm not tooting my own horn, but I'm a good catch. I'm a teacher, I work hard, I display confidence, I don't get jealous easily, I'm supportive and I make sure he feels special. Plus, I've only had three relationships and in all of them, their families loved me and wanted me to be their daughter in law. Distance is already difficult especially with someone who is already not fully committed. I love him dearly, but with him holding me on a string until he gets ready to pick the relationship back up makes me feel I deserve better. I just need help letting go and not contacting him completely.

Edited June 20, 2015 by lovesick123

[elaine567]

He wants to break up but he doesn't have the confidence and courage to do it yet. He is immature and like another poster said he may be using these breaks to pursue other women and he comes back to you when he has either achieved his goal or he has been unsuccessful.

Blowing hot and cold is what he is doing and that will drive you crazy.

He is messing with your head.

 

Make the decision for him and block him from everywhere.

You cannot marry a man like this - this relationship has no future.

He cannot make you happy.

Move on

[lovesick123]

One second he wants to marry me, and he is sorry, then next he is unforgiving and blaming me for what went wrong. I'm starting to truly hate him for getting my hopes up. I hate that I love him. Of I didn't, this whole process would be alot easier. I broke up with him, but my heart still hurts. If only my heart could agree with my head. He actually put me in the friend zone and I didn't completely realize it. He said he still wanted to be with me, he isn't going anywhere, we just didn't have to have titles or be in a relationship to woke on the friendship part of our relarionship and that we coukd still talj everyday. That didn't set well with me. Everytime I think we are progressing, he says something that makes me think differently. He doesn't want to talk about the relationship at all like he said before. We are in a ldr and he doesn't even want to see me to discuss anything in person even when i offered to go meet uo with him for a couple days. He sais he didnt want to see me, because he said its always the same. He sais we see each other, eveeything is good and then we get back to distance and not much changes. One second, he is saying I'm his woman amd the next second he is saying something else negative. He didn't want to be romantic with me anymore, just keep it as friends for awhile until we get over all the negativity that happened. I'm really hurt. So I broke up with him like he has been suggesting. He was mad that I didn't agree with the whole "friend" thing, but I feel that's giving him too much power. I need to trust my intuition. I just hate I love him now. Cam anyone relate to the feeling? Please be kind and give me some support during this difficult time. I know I deserve better, which is why I've been breaking up with him, but his words and everytime we are together it's perfect just tricks me and makes me forget everything.

[preraph]

I think you're holding him back from his career by making demands for more time and creating an impossible situation for him. I don't think loving someone means quitting one of your jobs. I think he's more mature than you are and more responsible and that you are only thinking of yourself and not his well being nor long-term well being.

 

Get yourself a new bf who lives down the block and has nothing else to do.

[lovesick123]

Well I actually didn't ask for him to quit. He did it on his own. I've gave him ample opportunity to just breakup, but he says he doesn't want that. Being in the friend zone is not a good feeling. It's like up and down...one day he's positive the next days he's negative even when im.not complaining or nagging and responding positively. Then, he will just shut down. I think you are right. He is trying to get a career going and I've been a distraction, but wanting a guy who does nothing is far from what I was communicating here.

[lovesick123]

Thanks for the feedback. Since I'm settled in my career, I think we are in two different places even though we love each other. I never asked him to quit one of his jobs. He was already complaining about it and made it seem like he quit for me. He may have been partially for me and partially for him. I know he is a good guy, but the breaks have really shaken my confidence, especially this last month. I've been hanging on for dear life. But it is what it is I guess.

[Noproblem]

Dump him............