Ex-MM finally divorced

[Hope Shimmers]

This last 24 hours has been a blur. So much has happened I feel like I should write a book.

 

I was on the road most of today. Got a speeding ticket for $128 driving through Illinois that I wasn't able to talk my way out of. Guess I am losing my touch. Don't speed in IL....

 

But I got home and my son had brought the mail in, and there was an envelope from ex-MM. I don't check my mail everyday so I probably would not have seen it for a couple of days if he had not brought it in earlier today. In it was a photocopy of ex-MM's signed and legalized divorce papers.

 

I honestly never thought he would do it.

 

There was also a handwritten note (I hate handwritten notes; harder to ignore). It said: "When you really think about it, you have so much to be thankful for. You have intelligent, well-mannered children who love you, a good home, and a close family. Yes, there have been bumps along the way, and even devastating falls, but you have bounced back from it all. You are a strong woman.

I am not asking for anything other than for the door to be left open. Talk to you soon."

 

I honestly have lost all feelings for him, and I just feel nothing. My first thought was... okay, he was an a**hole before, now he's just a divorced a**hole.

 

I have to wonder why it wasn't good enough before, but it is now. When he was going to lose me, it wasn't enough to do it, but now, for whatever reason, long after he did lose me, it was enough. That is what is in my mind now.

[veryhappy]

Oh wow...didn't expect that to happen! I know how much it would shock me to find that my guy got divorced, as I see him as he said not changing his...situation.

 

That's a tough one for sure. If you're not done, it would be worth finding out how the divorce happened, who wanted it, who filed, how their religious environment didn't stop it. It would also serve him well to vet over it if you'll entertain anything with him.

[minimariah]

who knows.

 

who knows what had finally pushed him to divorce. it is fascinating though... i can tell from my experience (not even a love experience, just life in general) -- i was NEVER able to do anything under pressure. school exams, jobs... whatever. i KNEW i had something valuable to lose but i couldn't do it. and when it was all over... i finally did something and chose a direction. it's weird.

 

i'm happy that you're handling all of this extremely well. you're in touch with your feelings, you learn about yourself and you're self aware.

 

you mentioned on the other thread that xMM is patiently trying to win you back... what is he doing? is he sending you messages or...?

[MissBee]

He divorced, great for him. He can kiss your ass still though. If this is the guy who you went through the death of your daughter with, who I've read about before with his gaslighting and manipulative behavior and such, he could be divorced 50 times over I'd never look back, as this point I'M it's not just about if he's married or not but his less than stellar character and all the awful baggage and trauma you amassed with him.

 

Yes you're blessed with your kids and all the rest he said and you can continue being blessed without him.

[MuddyFootprints]

Wishing you continued strength and further indifference, Hope.

[bentleychic]

You know, I'm going to say this and then I'll comment on your situation.

 

When people want/need to leave a marriage, they have to get to that point themselves. They cannot force it. No one else can force it. Only they will know when they are ready and only they can leave when they are ready. It can be forced, of course, by the other spouse, etc., but even then they will not be able to fully move on until they hit that point. All this time I was wondering the same thing about me, why am I not good enough, why can't he leave if he claims to love me this much, etc.? It's not about us. It's about when they get there. The only thing WE can do is make our own decisions, leave the A, stay in the A, etc. The other choices...those are theirs and may not have a thing to do with us at all. I realized this b/c I, too, took a long time to leave my M. I didn't have someone else in the picture, but it wouldn't have mattered if I did. I had to get where I needed to be on my own time and nothing and no one could have forced that.

 

With THAT said, if you're truly over him and want to close that door, tell him so. Or ignore him. Don't open the door if it's not something that you really and truly want. There's not a thing wrong with saying no, you're no longer allowed in my life.

[MrAlready2]

Hope,

 

I've read your stories of this exMM. The years of heartache and anguish come through in your threads. Though I really do not know you personally, I do know you are a good woman, and you deserved better treatment than this man gave you. It appears that this man is playing head games with you by sending you his divorce papers. If he truly cared about you, he would have let you move on, and not have strung you along for his own selfish reasons for so many years.

 

Your story about spending the night alone at the hospital with your late newborn daughter, brought tears to my eyes. This is the same man that didn't care enough to be there with you. You deserve better Hope. You are a strong woman, that comes through in your writings as well. You should send him those copies of his divorce papers back, along with an invoice for the balance of the money he owes you!

 

Stay strong Hope!

[Hope Shimmers]

Oh wow...didn't expect that to happen! I know how much it would shock me to find that my guy got divorced, as I see him as he said not changing his...situation.

 

That's a tough one for sure. If you're not done, it would be worth finding out how the divorce happened, who wanted it, who filed, how their religious environment didn't stop it. It would also serve him well to vet over it if you'll entertain anything with him.

 

Hi cutedragon... it's been a long time since I have heard from you!

 

I'm done. I am still asking the questions though. Why now.

 

who knows.

 

who knows what had finally pushed him to divorce. it is fascinating though... i can tell from my experience (not even a love experience, just life in general) -- i was NEVER able to do anything under pressure. school exams, jobs... whatever. i KNEW i had something valuable to lose but i couldn't do it. and when it was all over... i finally did something and chose a direction. it's weird.

 

i'm happy that you're handling all of this extremely well. you're in touch with your feelings, you learn about yourself and you're self aware.

 

you mentioned on the other thread that xMM is patiently trying to win you back... what is he doing? is he sending you messages or...?

 

Thanks. He has started to call me, several months ago. I ignore most of them, but have talked to him some.

 

I don't know if he is trying to win me back, or if it just ego. Not that it matters.

 

He divorced, great for him. He can kiss your ass still though. If this is the guy who you went through the death of your daughter with, who I've read about before with his gaslighting and manipulative behavior and such, he could be divorced 50 times over I'd never look back, as this point I'M it's not just about if he's married or not but his less than stellar character and all the awful baggage and trauma you amassed with him.

 

Yes you're blessed with your kids and all the rest he said and you can continue being blessed without him.

 

Yes, exactly.

 

You were here and read all my posts from before my new member name even. Thank you for replying. You are spot on, and you have helped me more over the years than I can say. Thank you.

 

Wishing you continued strength and further indifference, Hope.

 

Thank you - for all your posts to my threads.

 

You know, I'm going to say this and then I'll comment on your situation.

 

When people want/need to leave a marriage, they have to get to that point themselves. They cannot force it. No one else can force it. Only they will know when they are ready and only they can leave when they are ready. It can be forced, of course, by the other spouse, etc., but even then they will not be able to fully move on until they hit that point. All this time I was wondering the same thing about me, why am I not good enough, why can't he leave if he claims to love me this much, etc.? It's not about us. It's about when they get there. The only thing WE can do is make our own decisions, leave the A, stay in the A, etc. The other choices...those are theirs and may not have a thing to do with us at all. I realized this b/c I, too, took a long time to leave my M. I didn't have someone else in the picture, but it wouldn't have mattered if I did. I had to get where I needed to be on my own time and nothing and no one could have forced that.

 

With THAT said, if you're truly over him and want to close that door, tell him so. Or ignore him. Don't open the door if it's not something that you really and truly want. There's not a thing wrong with saying no, you're no longer allowed in my life.

 

You make a good point. But it's too little, too late. I can't get past indifference.

 

Hope,

 

I've read your stories of this exMM. The years of heartache and anguish come through in your threads. Though I really do not know you personally, I do know you are a good woman, and you deserved better treatment than this man gave you. It appears that this man is playing head games with you by sending you his divorce papers. If he truly cared about you, he would have let you move on, and not have strung you along for his own selfish reasons for so many years.

 

Your story about spending the night alone at the hospital with your late newborn daughter, brought tears to my eyes. This is the same man that didn't care enough to be there with you. You deserve better Hope. You are a strong woman, that comes through in your writings as well. You should send him those copies of his divorce papers back, along with an invoice for the balance of the money he owes you!

 

Stay strong Hope!

 

Thank you MrAlready2, for signing up to post this and for reading my threads.

 

You are spot on. There is really nothing that can fix the fact that he was not there for our daughter.

[MuddyFootprints]

Have you considered a criminal harassment threat, yet?

 

I'd just want him gone. No more. Done.

 

Never contact me again, unless you are willing to face legal repercussions. Here, if there is a conviction, it's a minimum of 10 years in prison.

 

I had to make that threat and was completely willing to follow through and finance it.

 

He's poison.

 

Please, do everything in your power to keep your heart and home safe from this person.

[Popsicle]

This last 24 hours has been a blur. So much has happened I feel like I should write a book.

 

I was on the road most of today. Got a speeding ticket for $128 driving through Illinois that I wasn't able to talk my way out of. Guess I am losing my touch. Don't speed in IL....

 

But I got home and my son had brought the mail in, and there was an envelope from ex-MM. I don't check my mail everyday so I probably would not have seen it for a couple of days if he had not brought it in earlier today. In it was a photocopy of ex-MM's signed and legalized divorce papers.

 

I honestly never thought he would do it.

 

There was also a handwritten note (I hate handwritten notes; harder to ignore). It said: "When you really think about it, you have so much to be thankful for. You have intelligent, well-mannered children who love you, a good home, and a close family. Yes, there have been bumps along the way, and even devastating falls, but you have bounced back from it all. You are a strong woman.

I am not asking for anything other than for the door to be left open. Talk to you soon."

 

I honestly have lost all feelings for him, and I just feel nothing. My first thought was... okay, he was an a**hole before, now he's just a divorced a**hole.

 

I have to wonder why it wasn't good enough before, but it is now. When he was going to lose me, it wasn't enough to do it, but now, for whatever reason, long after he did lose me, it was enough. That is what is in my mind now.

 

Wow, that's so crazy. It's always not until you could care less that they do what you wanted long ago.

[OpenBook]

My first thought was... okay, he was an a**hole before, now he's just a divorced a**hole.

 

ahahaha!! You go girl. Keep it real. And keep listening to your gut. You will be just fine. You will make the right calls. I'm not worried about you. I hope you're not either!!

[Popsicle]

who knows what had finally pushed him to divorce. it is fascinating though... i can tell from my experience (not even a love experience, just life in general) -- i was NEVER able to do anything under pressure. school exams, jobs... whatever. i KNEW i had something valuable to lose but i couldn't do it. and when it was all over... i finally did something and chose a direction. it's weird.

 

Yeah, I suspect it's this.

 

He probably didn't want the possibly of divorcing under influence. As they say, "I want to do it for the "right" reasons".

 

Or, maybe his wife threw him out. Who knows?

 

I also have a feeling that you will start speaking to him again and maybe he will grow on you again.

 

Anyways, it wouldn't bother me if my xMM took the stance of not wanting to divorce for the "wrong" reasons, I understand it, and would probably do the same if I were in his position. However, the process of it all is very hurtful for the OW and I would likely lose my feeling for him along the way. What can I say? I'm idealistic.

[AlwaysGrowing]

You ask why?

 

He simply wanted options. He wanted and did exercise his options with no regard for anyone else.

 

And now?

 

He wants different options.

 

It is up to you...if you want to play his game, by his rules. No holds barred.

 

I have to be honest Hope, I am surprised that you give him a second of your day/thoughts/energy.

 

Maybe next time, consider sending any mail back "Return to Sender". That would be the pinnacle of indifference.

[Mount]

Hi "Hope Shimmers", is there anywhere I can your original/previous post. BTW you had another username, correct? Or I completely lost the track...

 

Pls enlighten me.

[Southern Sun]

I have to wonder why it wasn't good enough before, but it is now. When he was going to lose me, it wasn't enough to do it, but now, for whatever reason, long after he did lose me, it was enough. That is what is in my mind now.

 

I think what really matters, is that now, it's not enough for YOU.

[anika99]

This last 24 hours has been a blur. So much has happened I feel like I should write a book.

 

I was on the road most of today. Got a speeding ticket for $128 driving through Illinois that I wasn't able to talk my way out of. Guess I am losing my touch. Don't speed in IL....

 

But I got home and my son had brought the mail in, and there was an envelope from ex-MM. I don't check my mail everyday so I probably would not have seen it for a couple of days if he had not brought it in earlier today. In it was a photocopy of ex-MM's signed and legalized divorce papers.

 

I honestly never thought he would do it.

 

There was also a handwritten note (I hate handwritten notes; harder to ignore). It said: "When you really think about it, you have so much to be thankful for. You have intelligent, well-mannered children who love you, a good home, and a close family. Yes, there have been bumps along the way, and even devastating falls, but you have bounced back from it all. You are a strong woman.

I am not asking for anything other than for the door to be left open. Talk to you soon."

 

I honestly have lost all feelings for him, and I just feel nothing. My first thought was... okay, he was an a**hole before, now he's just a divorced a**hole.

 

I have to wonder why it wasn't good enough before, but it is now. When he was going to lose me, it wasn't enough to do it, but now, for whatever reason, long after he did lose me, it was enough. That is what is in my mind now.

 

Who the f*ck is HE to tell YOU what you have to be thankful for?! After the way he abandoned you and your baby he tells you what you should be thankful for ? He makes me sick!

 

 

I'm sure you do have plenty of good things in your life to be grateful for but he's the last person who should be saying this. I'm don't know why you even speak with that loser.

[anika99]

Oh and the way he mentions your bumps and devastating falls and talks about how you bounced back. Yeah NO THANKS TO HIM! How the hell does he know anything about your devastating falls and how you bounced back? He abandoned you in your worst moments and now talks about how you bounced back. Oh man!! doesn't that make you want to punch him in the face? He has no right to even speak to you about these things. He should never even utter the words.

[Furious]

This last 24 hours has been a blur. So much has happened I feel like I should write a book.

 

I was on the road most of today. Got a speeding ticket for $128 driving through Illinois that I wasn't able to talk my way out of. Guess I am losing my touch. Don't speed in IL....

 

But I got home and my son had brought the mail in, and there was an envelope from ex-MM. I don't check my mail everyday so I probably would not have seen it for a couple of days if he had not brought it in earlier today. In it was a photocopy of ex-MM's signed and legalized divorce papers.

 

I honestly never thought he would do it.

 

There was also a handwritten note (I hate handwritten notes; harder to ignore). It said: "When you really think about it, you have so much to be thankful for. You have intelligent, well-mannered children who love you, a good home, and a close family. Yes, there have been bumps along the way, and even devastating falls, but you have bounced back from it all. You are a strong woman.

I am not asking for anything other than for the door to be left open. Talk to you soon."

 

I honestly have lost all feelings for him, and I just feel nothing. My first thought was... okay, he was an a**hole before, now he's just a divorced a**hole.

 

I have to wonder why it wasn't good enough before, but it is now. When he was going to lose me, it wasn't enough to do it, but now, for whatever reason, long after he did lose me, it was enough. That is what is in my mind now.

 

I have a feeling the "divorce" was not his choice, but that his wife was finally done with him. Two thirds of divorce are filed by women and odds are he was kicked to the curb. Who knows, what the last straw was that ended his marriage.

 

This creep is beyond creepy, it's as though he has selective memory and it's cruel and insulting to sugarcoat how well you've managed the "bumps in the road", as if abandoning you as you lost his and your child is a "bump in the road".

 

If I could, I'd punch him in the face for you. It's sick how he intrudes in your life, how he has the gall to continue contacting you. I think he's a sociopath, and a lost cause.

 

HopeShimmers, you deserve respect, and I wish only the the best for you.

[the_artist_1970]

This last 24 hours has been a blur. So much has happened I feel like I should write a book.

 

I was on the road most of today. Got a speeding ticket for $128 driving through Illinois that I wasn't able to talk my way out of. Guess I am losing my touch. Don't speed in IL....

 

But I got home and my son had brought the mail in, and there was an envelope from ex-MM. I don't check my mail everyday so I probably would not have seen it for a couple of days if he had not brought it in earlier today. In it was a photocopy of ex-MM's signed and legalized divorce papers.

 

I honestly never thought he would do it.

 

There was also a handwritten note (I hate handwritten notes; harder to ignore). It said: "When you really think about it, you have so much to be thankful for. You have intelligent, well-mannered children who love you, a good home, and a close family. Yes, there have been bumps along the way, and even devastating falls, but you have bounced back from it all. You are a strong woman.

I am not asking for anything other than for the door to be left open. Talk to you soon."

 

I honestly have lost all feelings for him, and I just feel nothing. My first thought was... okay, he was an a**hole before, now he's just a divorced a**hole.

 

I have to wonder why it wasn't good enough before, but it is now. When he was going to lose me, it wasn't enough to do it, but now, for whatever reason, long after he did lose me, it was enough. That is what is in my mind now.

 

Hope, this guy is not a nice man, married or not. The way he left you when your precious daughter was born makes me so sad to even think about you letting him back into your life. You seem like such a wonderful person. I am sure the universe has someone who will treat you much better than this guy. He has low character.

[gettingstronger]

Its not uncommon for marriages that have experienced infidelity to fail even years later-does not matter if it was his choice or her choice-he has never made you a priority or done what is in the best interest of you-

 

I know from your posts that your personality is to see the best in people- I think they call it, kind to a fault-as someone that also does this-please, protect yourself-you are more sensitive than those around you, you feel deeper and hurt more than those that use your positives to their advantage-

 

Watch out for you- been there, done that...

 

Good luck-

[Popsicle]

So this really boils down to forgiveness...

 

Can you forgive him or not?

 

I am a firm believer in forgiving and forgetting. A lot of people forgive, but that only amounts to staying with them or keeping them in their life, but they never forget and their resentment/unhappiness shows. You need both forgiving and forgetting to heal and move on. I'd even venture to say that the forgetting part is more intregal and effective than the forgiving part.

 

If you feel you can not do both (and you have every right to conclude this with no judgement from anyone) then you should let him go and block him. Request that he leave you alone or you'll file a restraining order. Getting a new man who physically spends a lot of time at your house will also help. This really helps men get the picture more than anything.

[Hope Shimmers]

Thanks so much everyone.

 

Reading these replies made me angry all over again (a good thing).

 

I too saw the irony about the "bumps in the road" - which he caused - and how "strong" I am.

 

I am horrible at picking men. I always think I am picking strong men, but they turn out to completely lack any balls whatsoever, after telling me they are going to be my "rock". What a crock of sh*t. The only "rock" I have is me.

 

I have no desire to talk to him. It's way too little and too late.

[bentleychic]

Hon, I have to apologize for my post yesterday b/c I didn't pay attention to who the original poster was. I have different advice for you than what I posted. I still feel that way about when people leave marriages, but my advice to YOU is to ignore him and/or go tell him to take a long walk off a short pier. He deserves nothing from you, not even a second thought. What a worthless piece of s*** he proved to be for you AND your daughter.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hon, I have to apologize for my post yesterday b/c I didn't pay attention to who the original poster was. I have different advice for you than what I posted. I still feel that way about when people leave marriages, but my advice to YOU is to ignore him and/or go tell him to take a long walk off a short pier. He deserves nothing from you, not even a second thought. What a worthless piece of s*** he proved to be for you AND your daughter.

 

You are right, and no one could do anything worse than what this man did to me.

 

In fact I shouldn't have lumped any other relationships in with that one in my last post. Nothing is comparable to that, and the fall of my most recent relationship was probably more my own fault than anyone else's.

 

There just is no way to forgive him denying his daughter.

[sunburned]

My first thought was... okay, he was an a**hole before, now he's just a divorced a**hole.

 

 

Nailed it!